bleakpersona

[bleakpersona]

Are you writing it down to remember it or are you writing it down so you can forget it?

[bleakpersona]

I get so uncomfortable when someone does something for me, or listens to me, or when something goes my way. Yet my love language is acts of service, listening to people.

I go impulsive/stress shopping. My love language is gift giving.

[bleakpersona]

Everyone has their own lives, you can't interrupt them, they wouldn't care enough

They don't have time, just fix it yourself.

No.

I care enough when someone tell me, which means im the living proof that people do care, so why do I think that people don't care? Cuz why would they or should they care?

Also the Maths teacher makes me uncomfortable. No, he doesn't make me feel comfortable.

He grabbed my shoulder the other day, why didn't I tell him not to do that ever again. How stupid of me.

He keeps looking, I think I should tell someone.

Then,

"What have you eaten all day for you to say no to eating?"

That's what my mom asks every time, and I always have eaten nothing

Yet why do I look so

And why do I always look worse than the last time

Why do I hate eating

Why do I keep wanting to cry

Why is my posture so bad

Why is my hair

Does complaining here count as being ungrateful?

Why do I not love myself?

Why is my throat so full?

Why do I not do productive things?

All I know is that i'm hiding it

[bleakpersona]

I feel like shit

[bleakpersona]

Who told you to talk?

[bleakpersona]

Can't you do shit right?

[bleakpersona]

Kill Yourself

[bleakpersona]

I'm not unhappy, but i'm not happy either. I'm just there. I feel as though I have too much to be grateful for, which takes my ability/right to complain, away.

[bleakpersona]

I think I hate smiling. Maybe it's my smile I hate? Man it pisses me off always having to be in a good mood, because if I'm in a bad mood, I'm a bitch. And no bitches in this household, no moody assholes, ain't no bad emotions allowed here.

Fake smiling pisses me off even more, cuz like wtf? Who's happy all the time?

[bleakpersona]

How dare I give my own fucking opinion? Can't I just shut the fuck up? It's not that hard. No one asked, and everyone as always gets pissed when someone says something. Why do I have to listen to everything you say? Why do I always have to be in a good fucking mood, with a stupid smile on my face while talking? Why do I always have to care so much about your feelings, when you don't even realize how I feel? Who fucking cares how you feel? No one, no one cares about anyone. If they say they do, it's a lie, they're just curious.

[bleakpersona]

I fucked up pretty bad. We tried to sneak my friend out from school, we got caught.

Sign was forged by one of my friends, 2 others made the plan, another 2 weren't even in the picture(the one was incharge of the original plan apparently), the one we sneaked out was in the principal's office for the longest, me and my bff were caught on CCTV with the permission slip, but we didn't even plan nor sign it, then another one who wasn't involved at all.

The thing is since me and my bff were caught on CCTV with the paper, the whole blame was put on us, and we both have the strict parents.

She and I are in the same boat, so both of our parents were called, so tmrw we're gonna meet with the HOS and talk it out, and clear the misunderstanding. Cuz ain't no way we talking the blame for something we didn't do, plus a crime, and our reputation.

My parents found out I went out from school, and didn't come straight home, so that messed shit up more (still lied about where I actually went).

Now my parents dislike my friend group, but the only thing im gonna do is stop being friends with the one who wanted to sneak out, the rest will have less contact anyway since im leaving the country. The one who wasn't involved, my now online friend, and my bff are those whose friendships I won't touch.

Funny how me and my bff are always the one's that leave the group together, it's been almost 5 years now since we've been together.

My dumbass should've gone home after that, I didn't even think about that.

[bleakpersona]

At least something good is happening, but there's always another side to things, so yeah shit could get messed up, like really bad.

I'd probably get disowned or beat up by my parents if they ever find out.

Oh well, sucks to suck I guess.

[bleakpersona]

I'm going on a private Yacht with my friends this weekend, just the 9 of us best friends HOWEVER my mom has to come in order for my dad to let me go, and somebody else's mom is also coming, so no shit am low-key scared. Cuz like what if they start talking and shit gets revealed. Cuz that woman knows a lot, she might let it slip out. Thankfully my sister is also coming, so she can keep an eye on them for me.

[bleakpersona]

Everything is falling back into place, finally.

As it should be.

[bleakpersona]

Time's the only thing I don't have...

[bleakpersona]

I'm so pissed at everyone. I can't take it out on them, so I have to take it out on myself, which is annoying. They're so fucking annoying. I can't be in a bad fucking mood in front of them, cuz I'll just be dRaMaTiC. Mom's literally like "Their she goes, mood off again" Like OKAY WTF IS IT TO YOU? MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS. WHY DOES IT PISS YOU OFF THAT IM PISSED OFF? WHY AM I NOT ALLOWED TO BE PISSED OFF? So I decided to just not show shit. I'll just be whatever the fuck they want me to be. I'm gonna fake my smile, till I hate smiles. Anytime I feel pissed off and it shows, i'll just say i'm tired or sleepy and smile it off. Cuz no one actually cares, so it works out. Especially in the long run, I can't wait to leave this shithole.

[bleakpersona]

Conflicts

Don't want to get married

Want to cut my hair

Don't want to take the same career path as anyone close

Don't wanna talk about myself

Don't wanna disappoint anyone

Want to live up to people's expectations

Want to run away from everything

Want to leave everything behind

Want to cut everyone off

Want to be alone

Want to be surrounded by people

Want an emotional connection with someone

Want to get married

Want things to work out

Want to keep my friends

Want freedom

Don't want to experience change

Crave change

Want to talk less

Want to talk more

Want to dream

Can't dream

Want to be myself

Want to hide myself

Want people to know who I am

Don't want people to find who I really am

Want to achieve something

Want to make myself proud

Want to be successful 

Want to be hard-working

Want to be enough for myself

Want to get out of my head

Want to get into my mind

Want to figure myself out

Want to keep ignoring it

Want to be invisible

Want to be seen

Want to be heard

Want to eat

Don't want to eat

Want to treat myself

Want to feel deserving of good things

Feel I deserve bad things happening to me

Don't want hope

Still have hope

Want to give up

Want to try harder

Don't want them to see

Don't want them to hear

Don't want them to know

Want them to know

Want to get out

Want to stay in alone

Want to stop lying