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[cinnamonaddictsanonymous]

Musings - 3/21/2020

Oh god I feel so nauseated right now. 

This weekend with E has been quite different from the rest. 

Most notably we took molly together. I was really nervous, given how last time I did it with RJ I said “I love you” a lot! And talked so much - mostly about how excited I was about E and seeing him again when I get back to IN. 

But this was different. 

We worked on a puzzle most of the afternoon, took our first 1/2 around 7:30. I didn’t feel different until 8:30 - suddenly focusing on a puzzle was too much. We cleaned up and went upstairs to cuddle and lay in bed. 

E seemed the same, but said he was feeling something. We took another 1/4 but 10 minutes later I was coming up. Cue rolling and moaning, similar to my experience with RJ. We had sex but barely felt anything. E said I was mostly giggling and moaning and saying 1-2 words in between that didn’t make sense. 

I wanted to hug and hold him, and he reciprocated.  Once we hit that peak and stayed there we talked. I mostly talked about fears, family/gratitude, and what I liked about him. 

Some big topics: 

How afraid I was to say the L-word and why (fear of future pain, can’t take it back, how it may be the only thing in a relationship (similar to with A). 

He said that he definitely did Love me (wow scary to hear that, three times!) but in a caring, friend-ish way. That he had hang-ups due to his trust issues from past relationships gone bad. He asked me some questions about relationship stuff and said that based on how I answered it cleared up a lot of his apprehension; but he may just need more time to work through things or take a leap of faith? I felt happy but still wanted more, idk. I don’t like saying it first. 

Ugh. nausea rn. Need to eat? 

Things in my past that I was ashamed of. Cheating on A, and then how I opened the relationship like that with A. It was terrible and I felt terrible, but it was such a relief to share it with him. He said he’d gleaned from prior comments that I had probably done something like that, but that he was comforted by the fact that I felt guilty and recognized it was wrong and selfish. 

He told me about Marky and his relationship with her. How he had created a character based of her in his 3DX chat game, and the subsequent fall-out from their DnD group where she was the DM.  I get how that was invasive, a breach of trust, but also I felt terrible for him and how that must’ve felt. 

We talked some more about other topics - finances, stress, future plans, etc. 

Lots of cuddles and kisses. And visuals! I was vibrating (whole body), and my vision was vibrating. I loved the cuddles and kisses. At some point during the comedown he could not stop kissing me. Like a straight hour or so kissing me while I talked and spooned with him. It was maddening but also adorable. 

We became much closer I think. At least after sharing so much we were both afraid of bringing up. 

Oh, and discussion on monogamy/poly. How I am actually leaning towards monogamy, or at least to put poly away for awhile. That I don’t want to share him, and he was happy to hear that. We did the whole “you’re mine” thing for a bit. 

Explaining my whole history with exes, from D to A. Like *a whole timeline of breakups and hookups and allllll the relationships I have*. And even my weird current relationship with N. And poly partners, and C from SF. It was interesting. 

Also - I gave out so many compliments. How handsome he was, how great in bed he was (was also a discussion topic, he’s apprehensive of how much experience I have vs. how little he has, and where he stands in terms of my prior partners). I said he was *very honestly* the best partner I’ve had. Compliments on his emotional intelligence, his actual intelligence (and how I sometimes feel a bit nervous about how I measure up to it), how the sleep problem bothers both of us, and etc. How perfect he was. How he’s “Everything”; I still believe all of that. How happy I am to have met him, and how happy he is to have met me. 

We did *not* sleep at all. Both took another 1/2 tab around midnight? then E convinced us to take another 1/2 tab around 3-4am. Comedown was terrible... bad nausea, no appetite, no energy. Digestive issues.  The third 1/2 tab did almost nothing, except ease the comedown and nausea. Only a slight bump in euphoria and visuals. I bit my right cheek so many times I bled... gum turned red. We went through a *lot* of gum.

The next day 3/22 I had lots of feelings. I mean I’ve been feeling different the past week or two - like I *cannot* wait to see him!  And I miss him! A lot!! I always want to be around him and touch him. Not even sexually, just touch him. 

We talked about how he felt the relationship has progressed/deepened since Valentine’s when we became official. 

I was so close all day to saying I love you, but held back. It didn’t make sense to do it in such a weird comedown situation. But he was so kissy and I loved it all :) 

He makes me so happy, and I really do envision a future with him. This is scary! 

[cinnamonaddictsanonymous]

Fun times with E the last few weekends - or really all the 2020 weekends. 

Kinda scary how much I like him and miss him when he leaves Sunday evening. 

[cinnamonaddictsanonymous]

So E slept over for the first time this weekend. 

It did not go well, but on the flip side I didn’t want to stop talking til 4am :) 

He makes me happy 

I’m happy 

I revel in this happiness 

Yay oxytocin 

Excited for our weekend getaway: Chicago day-trip and Deadmau5 concert. 

Wondering how it’ll go with meeting up with Avi and Monling, but should be fun! 

(Esp after I’ve told Monling about bringing a date)

[cinnamonaddictsanonymous]

One thing that really makes my toes curl - 

Looking at E during “ “. His eyes move imperceptibly - across my face. Drinking it in. He’s so generous it blows my mind. STILL. 

I absolutely love what he does and how he treats me, esp in bed. It makes me want to make him even happier. I think that’s been the key; A was okay at this, he wanted me to feel as good as he felt. Or like - as good as I could given the times we’d be doing it. To his limits at least.

But E - he wants me to feel as good as I can, no limits (or fewer limits). Kink stuff is okay! He’s interested!  Well aside from muscle cramps or anything; that is truly rare and amazing.  And I can talk to him about what I want and not feel like I’m asking for too much. 

* Him trying on dress shirts and wearing them; dear god.  I feel ridiculous for loving it so much; endytophilia?  I feel like such a creeper for staring when he’s getting dressed or unbuttoning his shirt but wow it’s so hot. 

* We were laying in bed last night, after sex and food. Just cuddling. I really like just looking in his eyes. And he said “You know, you really are so beautiful” and I melted a bit. 

I live for this shit.

I feel really lucky. And grateful. And happy. 

Who knew

[cinnamonaddictsanonymous]

Nexus; 1/18

Okay what a trip. 

I’m trying to remember everything.  J’s going away party - he’s moving to Austin. Poor Cody

R invited me over to N + U’s house (married); I had a little to drink, like 2 shots worth of vodka.  took 2 tabs from R (1 at 8:30, 1 at 9); We spent time downstairs mostly talking and I met N, chatted with him some. He’s such an interesting person! Psychotherapist, really nice and funny as a person. 

Didn’t start feeling things until 9:30; noticed lights downstairs seemed different, music sounds different. 

R and I walked upstairs to use the restroom and check out the other rooms; I started tripping I think. 

Cuddle puddle with some people including U and C, and J.  Talked about brother and his new bf :) I felt happy to share that! Then oh man things started being different. 

R & I went back downstairs, and sat down. I started to get anxious; things were moving, and the music in the garage was really loud so we opted for the downstairs (basement) instead. Sat, chatted, he massaged me and held my hand while I talked. Like gasping for breath (similar to my trip on molly with RJ), and moaning a bit. He’d taken my watch/phone at this point, so that I wouldn’t be tempted to look at the time.

R and I went upstairs, he read cat in the hat to me by the fireplace. We cuddled (I was in between his legs laying down, he massaged my shoulders); looking around. Amazed at trying to focus on things; a painting, marriage certificate, books, trying to read things. 

No concept of time; bathroom, the floor tiles were moving. LSD visuals, body vibrating, everything was breathing. I could see and understand that what I was seeing wasn’t normal; and I knew how to navigate around and do shit. 

Extremely sensitive with all senses; teeth felt sharp, gum felt amazing to chew on. Touching things was a big thing; I was like a cat at some point, squeezing things because there was so much going on.  R offered to let me bite his hand lol, I declined (I needed to BITE and SQUEEZE things really hard. Idk why). 

 We went to the master bedroom and cuddled for a bit; I was really overwhelmed at this point. I remember looking at R’s face at one point and being like “omg your face is so big” oops.  Cuddles were nice! M walked in at some point and was like “oops sorry!” nope we were just cuddling. It was warm and cozy. 

Visuals; LSD, shrooms. Everything breathed; fractals everywhere. No concept of time.  Everywhere I looked, I could feel my thoughts  shifting normally - but then realizing how everything changed when I looked at things differently.

Anytime people came by I was somehow amazed that eveything shifted. I could talk to people normally, but  

We went downstairs (R got me some earplugs), and chilled by the dj area. Visuals were amazing to look at! A was fucking gorgeous (the guy with amazing glutes that I got to touch); dancing, I could feel his energy when he danced.  Slow coiled energy. Passionate but also perfect.

J - his dancing style was much more upbeat. He was perfectly on beat, but doing much more small movements here and there. Him dancing with his bf C was the cutest shit; C is shyer (bi also), and slower.  Their dance together was the cutest thing to watch. I was smiling way too much downstairs. 

The music determined everything; fractals along the ceiling. Visuals behind the DJ booth were insane to look at; everything moved. R let me use his kaleidoscope glasses, so I could focus more on the visuals screen. 

Things were starting to mellow out around midnight; R gave me back my phone. He took another tab; I missed E a lot actually. 

Got up and realized I’d peed myself somehow... went to use the restroom and ugh made the decision to go home. 

R was really nice; told me I should stay lol and offered to call me an uber. But since he was tripping still he wanted to stay at the house. A lot of people were leaving (around 1am). 

Ride home was crazy. 

Listened to music; songs lasted forever. I was texting E some; time both slowed down and sped up. 

Home; forgetful with everything. I cleaned up and got into bed; played music on google home. Still visually dizzy. I wanted E to come over and cuddle with, but also realize I couldn’t even do things correctly and waiting up for him to come over would’ve been stressful. Also I wouldn’t have been able to sleep well at all... oh well. I remember on the ride home, when I thought about him I could *feel* the oxytocin flooding me. It was so weird!

Chewing gum still, smoked some weed to calm down. Fell asleep around 3:30. 

So overall the trip lasted... 8:30 - 3:30.  I should’ve come down by around midnight, according to R. 

Better than molly. It was truly a “trip” in every sense of the word. 

[cinnamonaddictsanonymous]

I’m happy

Crazy to think it took this long. 

Or that I settled for an unhappy equilibrium.  

E makes me happy.

I like being happy. 

I guess it really is that simple. 

Recap: 

NYE - meeting his friends for the first time (Fred/Lindsey’s house party); getting more touchy-touchy and talking a lot more. 

Since then - 12-hour dates for a full week. 

Since then - chill dates with Netflix/Expanse, dinner, and “ “ 

Since then - “ “ that makes my toes curl with how lovely it is. He’s incredibly generous and kind and embodies all the qualities of a good man and long-term partner. 

I’m happy when I’m with him. 

I get anxious and scared of my own feelings when I’m away. Keeping my emotions in check isn’t hard but it’s not fun. 

Wondering how things will go as work gets busier and I get more stressed with life. 

Things with R are also good; he’s been closer to a back-burner guy. Amazingly smart, funny, and talkative. Generous with his time and money, and energy. High-value and thoughtful; deeper intellectual. 

He’ll be a good friend I think! But for now I’m enjoying the fun times

Poor E 

“Hungry puppy”

I listen to Backwards Love (Taska Black) - and I see him dancing/bopping along to it. I think it’s the new “Cool Kids” that A was. 

Who I don’t really think about anymore, except in passing.  Life is so weird sometimes. Love ebbs and flows; going back and seeing how I used to feel this way about A is disheartening. Or maybe I’m just maturing and learning? 

[cinnamonaddictsanonymous]

New endings and beginnings

I really like Evan. 

Super cheesy but I guess Tumblr is as good of an online diary as anything. 

Weird mental space this Christmas; 

My third time traveling out of Indy in 2 months and this time I’m feeling more whole and happy about myself and my future since the break up. Well honestly since... damn, since maybe 4 years in to our relationship. So since I was 22? 

Idk; Evan reminds me of how happy I can be with someone. 

He fits a lot of what I’m looking for, and we both are interested in monogam-ish lifestyle. I honestly thought I’d never find that in Indy. But there he is! 

And he’s nice! So nice!! And cute!! So adorably cute.  And doing things with his life, and interested in raves/festivals, and funny, sarcastic, smart, witty, and just a very interesting person. 

I’d gush over him more but I’m still trying to keep things slow; I’m not-so-subtly teasing and making it known that I have high standards, and like to be treated. I think he gets it; 

And it’s weird how little I’ve thought of A the last few weeks. Not weird, just different. I’m okay going back to an airport and not seeing his car there. I’m okay driving around Broad Ripple, and seeing the memories of us there. I still CANNOT drive by his house, but I can do most anything else. Oh except go into a fucking H&C cafe, that’s definitely a nope. I’m happier without him somehow. I’m getting new experiences and new hope for fun times; fun things I wouldn’t have been able to experience if I were still with him. He wouldn’t get why I would want to rave, why I would want to wear what I did (god forbid the jealousy of seeing me in booty shorts at a rave lol), he’d be too jealous for me to make guy friends at raves or festivals or anything. It makes me sad how little I think of him, but honestly at the same time I’m so happy and excited about what I get to do now without him. I don’t feel so encumbered. I can see more clearly what my potential is, where I can go, the things I can feel and experience, and people I can do it with. 

Idk. I’m tired of moving fast and being let down. And fuck being objectified by weirdos; I like Evan. There’s nothing weird so far.  I don’t want to pin all my hopes and fucking dreams and future on this guy so pacing it out and going on other dates is my best bet to keep myself level-headed. Goddamn though. I am reallly excited to go back to Indy and see him in person. 

I can still remember how on our last date - I was rushing down after parking my car. Coming down the escalator, I was 15 min late to meet up because of traffic and fucking parking - texted him on the escalator. Out of breath, stressed; and I catch his eye, he’s holding a coffee and just waves a little. I very obviously destressed in that moment. He was cute ☺️  and I felt shitty for being so late and apologized a ton but he was so understanding! 

Ugh fuck it I really like him so far. I’m excited to spend NYE and NYD with him. I’m really fucking excited and still feel bad about cancelling my plans with Monling but my excitement vastly eclipses the guilt. I’m happy ☺️ He makes me happy!  It’s nice to feel happy about someone and being someplace after a long time of feeling fucking shitty everyday. 

 Yay for NRE

[cinnamonaddictsanonymous]

First, my molly trip with RJ

Wow. 

Okay, so this is a diary entry for my molly trip with RJ on 12/27 (Friday) 2019; 

Gym in the morning, lunch, pregamed (I was hella nervous, I’d venmo-ed him $1k for molly 2 days ago and hadn’t seen him in a few weeks! Plus the last time we’d met up was when he saved me from complete harassment on the streets of SF when I went to see Audien in early Dec). 

Met up at the Westfield mall, he was tall and well-dressed! And very chill ☺️ Went to grab a drink at a hotel nearby, chatted, I felt a lot better once I got another drink in me. He had 2, and we kept chatting (and he gave me the molly); then we went to a hotel nearby that he’d booked a room in. 

Each took 1/2 a tab at around 5 got down to business and hooked up. The sex was good, a little painful and I wish there’d been more foreplay but it was so rough and perfectly what I needed. 

After he came (around 5:30), I got off, it was good! But by 5:40 I was feeling it creep; my field of vision was somewhat distorted. 

Around 6 it was definitely hitting some.  RJ was just chilling; I was cuddling, we were watching TV with the lights dimmed. At some point he hooked up his phone to the speaker and played some music. 

It kept creeping and around 6:30 it hit pretty hard. I was talking so fast and talking about family, love, friends, gratitude; lots of gratitude.  I couldn’t stop talking. And when RJ talked or when I stopped I was fucking moaning, just so happy and blissful. I couldn’t contain it. Just cuddling and touching him and biting him, and so much talking. Talking about Marisa, about my regrets with A, about the break up (Marisa & I’s), Michael’s new bf and what went down for that, and gushing over Evan.  (Also when I was talking, I’d get side-tracked really easily, and didn’t have any issues with tripping over words! Wow. RJ said he tended to have the same problem too lol)

RJ was so perfect to just stay and hold me and listen, and listen actively. He gave the right commentary; when I expressed regret over what happened with A and I, he said it was okay; that I needed more, and not to feel bad about wanting more than he could give or I could give to A. 

I told him I loved him; and it felt different. I told him that too, and he understood; but I truly loved him in some way in that trip. 

He talked about how our chance meeting was such a good thing, that we were really similar and had this mutual understanding. No expectations, and learning more about his love life and what he was looking for. He talked about wanting to protect me, and love me, and make sure I was okay. I loved him for that. 

I think around 7:30 it started to slow down; it was a slow creep down. I was still talking quite a bit, but we were listening to more music and chiller stuff. Around 8:30 I think that’s when it really slowed down; by 9 I was still off vision-wise, and really dizzy. So we just cuddled; Marisa called around 9:40 (I was still coming down), really unexpected.  We left the hotel around 10, and he drove me back to Fremont. We held hands on the way home; talked about us and the experience.  

I don’t remember much about the ride back except feeling more anxiety and wow my lips were still so sensitive. He said he’d keep up with me every once in a while; I was just so thankful to have shared that experience with someone. It was both of our first time getting a hotel room, and hooking up like that. And just tripping with someone not at a rave or anything; worth it x100000. 

He kissed me before I went inside; idk. It was a good night.  I really hope I can see him again next year; he’s like my new Andrey, but on the west coast ☺️ <3 

[cinnamonaddictsanonymous]

Breakthrough time. Minus the therapist, but a major break through. 

A was definitely emotionally unavailable. And codependent. And manic bipolar, but that’s a known fact. 

Emotionally unavailable - could not talk about his feelings, or really think about them in a normal way.  In a way where we could discuss past events, or bond over stressful things; it was always about moving past negative emotions and leaving them behind. Always had to be happy and positive/upbeat. I think that’s why I started to feel alone in the relationship - I didn’t ever have that time to be stressed and show him when I was feeling bad/depressed. 

And when I did get depressed - cue mental breakdown over work - he couldn’t help. He tried, and the ways he tried were so completely wrong but were things that would work for him?  Like pretending to be happy, being super active and going around doing stuff - I just needed someone to validate what I was feeling, and he couldn’t do that or really understand. Or he just fucking didn’t care. 

And how he rewrites narratives to suite him, to suite his “independent lifestyle” better - yeah fuck you that’s not how things went.  We got back together all those times because I recognized that you were manic, then depressed, and helped you through them.  We didn’t talk about feelings because you were so adverse to talking through stuff and would go cold whenever that happened . You broke up with me the first time because you were scared of a strong attachment; then came back because you were scared to be alone, and scared of losing someone that was special to you. 

Realizing that turned my day around 180 degrees.  It’s such a nice “aha” moment, that if we kept dating I’d always feel somewhat invalidated, would feel alone if I showed weakness or depression, that my partner and best friend could not support me or would not bother learning now.  

Hella depressing to think about but I guess he really was telling the truth when he broke up with me; he wasn’t willing to do any work to better himself or the relationship. He couldn’t communicate his feelings, much less articulate how he was feeling or why he was feeling a certain way. And I’m guessing he’s doing really well now, but will always suffer in some ways until he fixed himself.  

Like - what a red flag that he never had long-term relationships.  I think he loves work and his work friends because you can’t ever get too close to a work friend.  You can’t share that dark side of you, the conflicts, the anger and confusion and sadness.  So work is perfect.  And all the other “friends” that ended up being “needy” - they were just regular people who wanted to get to know the real him. But there wasn’t ever a real him - just a guy who actively avoids forming deep relationships with others.  

Fucker

[cinnamonaddictsanonymous]

I went to a Real Estate meeting thing last night! Called mum all anxious, and I was anxious - I was probably the youngest person there, and didn’t know anyone, and one of the handful of women too (and 1 of like 3 Asians); 

Learned some, got a feel for the monthly meetings, then bounced around 7:30. 

I felt proud of myself for going 

But I really wish I had someone to tell, specifically A.  

Still angry, still sad.  I feel like doing something new made things a bit worse 

But at least my weekend is packed with good things - 

Date tonight with a non-monogamous guy, Andrew (god why does his name have to be Andrew); 

Date-day with Monling tomorrow, he’ll help me unpack and put furniture together and make me a “special” dinner I’m so excited! (And sex obvi)

Date with Shaun on Sunday :) I missed him, he was very fun to talk and hang out with. I’m not sure if I want to get physical on date 2, but I do want to smoke with him. 

Then Monday (I GET MY FLOYD BED I’M SO EXCITED) drinks with the guy from the gym. He’s really into me, wow

But I still miss him.  And I feel so guilty for wanting more than what he could give, and hurting him in the process. 

I still wish he was thinking of me. 

[cinnamonaddictsanonymous]

Feeling more and more at peace with the BU. 

Not getting urges to write angry letters, sad letters, or any letter at all. 

I’m kind of worried about who I am now though - I’ve been falling for M a little more, but I know that’s almost more like a FWB situation. I don’t see myself dating him, but at least keeping up with FWB or just being friends :) 

I guess it’s good that I get to explore poly some; being more of myself, and doing what I want.  

I’m forgetting about A, and it doesn’t hurt as much now. 

It’s been almost month and a half now?  I’m not super wondering what he’s up to. I still wish that he’s unhappy or sad or something, but also I don’t really have the same *need* to wish that anymore. I’m just not really thinking about him... weird. 

I got asked out by this guy Chris at the gym today. Sort of asked out; coffee?

Also - coffee doesn’t sting as much as before. I’m still 20% leaning towards “I hate this crap, reminds me of A” but it’s more like “Ehh ok, fuck coffee but whatever” now. 

I’m not sure what to do with my social media (specifically facebook) with all these goddamn old pictures I’m in with the two of us; they’re the most recent pictures I have on my Facebook.  Mostly because I’m lazy and don’t feel like I need to post anything?? What to do

[cinnamonaddictsanonymous]

Things are still really hard. I spent some time crying and feeling shitty yesterday after work, and mornings are the worst.  Missed wrestling, missed Netflix and chill, missed how exciting things were when we first met. 

I’m still so sad and mad at him. Wtf. 

I’m not sure what else to say at this point. I know it wasn’t going to work out long-term - there was a lot I still needed to do, and our goals didn’t totally align. But still, wtf. 

Motherfucker. 

On the other hand I’m mad excited to grab ramen with Monling - he’s really nice.  Like such a nice person, and I want to make sure he is happy too. 

I can’t believe it’s been over a month since the break up, wow. 

My journal entry that day was “5 years and a month.” That’s it, but it said enough. 

Desperately staying busyyy even when there’s nothing to do at work. 

Fuck you 

[cinnamonaddictsanonymous]

Realized yesterday after my therapist’s appointment - I’ve been so focused on figuring out a closure letter, to apologize, to let him know I want to stay in contact.

For what?

I mentioned it to therapist and she asked why - I said so I could be there if he needed me. But also mentioned it wouldn’t be a friendship, since he’s really bad at those.

And I got home later and realized WHY am I obsessed with that. I just said he’s a bad friend in general.  He can’t follow up with people outside of work, they never last more than a month or two before he starts ghosting them - it wouldn’t work.

So I have my answer there. No closure letter. No need to unblock his number, I’m still sort of torn on social media. But it’s ok, I know there’s not an avenue for regaining any sort of relationship.  

Wow that was such a powerful realization. So much relief

[cinnamonaddictsanonymous]

So it ends

Haven’t been on here in years. 

I skipped the make-up after we’d moved in together, the break up and make-up a year later before I started grad school (I’d flown in to visit him, and got way too drunk and he became manic then depressive again) - then the break up at some other point, then another break up this past August. 

Final break up. 

It’s cathartic going back and reading the stories of how we met, what I thought of him, what all was going through my head over the first few years. Reminds me of The Last Five Years, fuck what a tear-jerker. Great to watch in light of our situation.

We’ve both changed. I’m at work writing this (post-10/15, no work AT ALL jesus christ) and I guess now I can say things are over. 

He did a bad job of breaking up with me. Having to “meet someone” new, then holding my stuff hostage for 2 weeks until I finally had to reach out and ask for it back. 

Then coming outside when I picked it up, and inviting me back inside to look around “in case he missed anything”.  I said no it’s okay and just left. I can tell he’s not processing this very well and that gives me some small satisfaction. I’ve blocked him literally everywhere, but am considering unblocking his number. I think I’m strong and secure enough now to be okay with that. 

I wouldn’t be here without my family and friends. Marisa has been such a great help. 

I’m sending a final closure letter (really short): 

My life has been full of reflection the past few weeks. Having baba visit this weekend was one of the best things to happen to me.  And I’m learning to move on. It’s scary as fuck and I hate the entire process but it’s been good. I understand why we needed to part ways, and it still hurts like a fucking bitch (hate using that word) but I see why it’s necessary. 

Still. 

He was only meant to be a FWB.  Things got out of hand, I was charmed, he was charmed, we fought, we made up x 1,000, etc. 

Five years and 1 month.  Insane. 

I still hope he’s sad and miserable.  Having an emotional crutch just to break up with me - fucking dick.  Then I want him to be happy, then flip-flop again. But I understand that’s who he is, and if he’s not willing to confront the hard truths about his past and how that shapes his future, then he won’t learn and will have trouble growing. 

[cinnamonaddictsanonymous]

Equinox 15 (Sept 21-23)

Ok well the whole psytrance festival was... weird, 

Hanging out with Andrey and Naomi (who is like, gorgeous, skinny, smart, and everything I wanted to be back in the day), was kinda weird, I definitely felt like the 3rd wheel a lot of the time. 

We left Friday, and drove all the way to Horse Shoe, NC - camped, walked around, “stomped” a little (it was meh), and I had trouble sleeping! They were over there cuddling, and I was sleeping alone... had to pee... kept hearing music, and couldn’t sleep! Ugh 

Morning, walked around the “lower” lake/pond, Andrey came out and talked a bit - he said Naomi gets anxious around new people, so that’s why she was so standoff-ish on Friday. That made sense... it was also nice to talk with him alone :) 

I missed A a lot. Spent most of the day Saturday chilling, walking around, just lounging - was microdosing shrooms, and generally had a great time chilling and thinking about life/what makes me “me”, and etc. Snacking with them :) 

Made a new friend, we all (Andrey, Naomi, and Katia (From Durham, she was nice and talkative!), hammock-ed a little hammock tribe up in the forest, and chilled for like 2 hrs! Andrey and Naomi fell asleep, I was just chilling/thinking (also sleeping tho), and Katia was just chilling. She left early, and just started wandering around down there I think. I ended up waking up Andrey accidentally, we all went down and I walked around after they got back to the camp. Snack, and walked around - back to camp around 7:30, starting to get chilly. 

Lay down for a bit, Andrey put his hand on my leg and that was a nice gesture! 

WHy am I so into these details about what he does/doesn’t do... 

Whatever 

We took the acid (2 little white tabs, each for Naomi and I), and got dressed - went down to the main stage 

Lights started to look interesting... like brighter, pulsing, moving. The psytrance music started getting way interesting, but then I started getting scared. Andrey went to dance, Naomi was just sitting/chilling, and I was on the grass getting scared, wishing Andrieu were there. 

Naomi and Andrey went for a walk, and I sat - with Andrey’s jacket - scared, it was starting to really kick in. Vision was kinda blurry... but weird. I was sooo sensitive to touch at this point, I’d changed out of my longer leggings into booty shorts but even that felt too constricting, or like too much friction. I didn’t want to move and get cold, I could feel my lips and face, really intensely. 

I was seeing life in different dimensions, like - space, and time itself was melting and moving like lava, in different directions. I kept losing track of time, and sometimes the stage looked so close, or really far away. A guy asked me if i was ok, he looked like a goblin (because of the acid), and I said yes I was ok! Lies... 

I kept debating if I should try to find Katia, and have her drive me to somewhere with service so I could call A :(  I saw her before the acid started kicking in, I’d admitted I felt like a 3rd wheel a little while back and she was really sweet about inviting me to hang with her friends! I turned her down but anyways she was so nice about that! 

They came back, and we all went to the camp and lay down. I felt so much better once I could relax and be warm, and Andrey (had taken shrooms earlier), so we were all tripping! We all saw the fractal patterns on the top of the tent, where moonlight was. It was gorgeous, and pulsing/moving. I played with Andrey’s hands, and Naomi looked really peaceful - she wasn’t really doing anything, not really touching Andrey at all. I was really happy playing with his hands, and stole the little glowstick bracelets from Naomi’s side and put them on my side (on Andrey’s hands) - had so much fun playing with those! 

Seeing lights change, and my vision literally blurred - if I concentrated I could see how it blurred things. What was trippy was when I thought of things, I could literally see it in front of me! So sometimes I’d imagine weird aliens, and I’d literally see them in front of me. So odd, and amazing. Though I imagined the “next day” and could literally see that too. 

Perception of self, and my thoughts and actions were all so wacky.  I sometimes could feel what I was doing, and sometimes I couldn’t - if I looked in one direction, that became my entire focus (so my hands under a blanket looked like a mountain, or a tiny crevace in comparison to my body under the blanket) - and it was so cool!   Andrey was talking about monkeys/consciousness, he was tripping it was funny :P 

I loved playing with his hands, he kept breathing in really hard which was kinda hot. 

Then I eventually guided his hands towards my nipples, and he played with those - it was so weird! I could feel it sometimes, and would react to it (physically, getting turned on) - but then it’d gradually switch and I wouldn’t even notice what he was doing, I’d be so centered on looking at something else or playing with his hands. 

At one point I had to pee so bad, and had trouble getting up (timing my perspective, waiting until I had “control” of my body again) - and got up and went outside. 

Might’ve peed on my foot... ugh. Got anxious about that the rest of the acid trip. 

Saw the clouds moving across the moon, and fractals! Cloud fractals! Moving and pulsing, and the moon was so beautiful. But almost too bright... almost a full moon too. I lost perspective on where I was, and I’d shift from looking at the moon/clouds to playing with my hair, to remembering where I was and realizing I was so “far” from the tent (really not, but it seemed like that). Andrey came out and helped me remember what I was doing lol, and we went back in. 

Continued to play with his hands, he played with me ;) nipples and down there a bit. It was really amazing, but I kept losing track of what I felt/would normally feel and react. 

Had my head on his chest, and I was feeling so playful and curious about everything. Glad I tripped with him, since he knew what to sort of expect and how to manage it - and also how to enhance my trip and give me different things to experience! 

We walked around in onesies after that (without Naomi, yay-ish) - around the main stage, around the lake/pond, and he hugged me. It was so sweet :) Was still coming down, so lights were so amazing to look at! No fractals though.

Fell asleep cuddling, Naomi and I on either side and him in the middle. Had trouble sleeping for a bit, but woke up with a lot of energy. Hadn’t pooped all weekend, which was expected (but not nice!), we had a snack, and started packing. Walked around the camp, the stage, etc - then headed to the car. I didn’t see Katia again, she was so nice :( 

We went to Mt Mitchell for lunch (had trouble eating, didn’t want food? But hungry), and then drove around - hiked a teeny bit to the very top, Andrey took a pic of all 3 of us, we went back down - driving home. Fell asleep, but anyways feeling so damn peaceful all the ride back. 

Apparently fam got worried about me (and why I wasn’t responding), so they all freaked out, especially baba of course - then Marisa called Andrieu and got the “down low” on what was going on. She warned me that Andrieu wasn’t feeling so great about what I was doing with Andrey :( 

Home, chill, love my bed, love my cats. 

Andrey actually acknowledged again how it might’ve been weird with Naomi, which was nice! I’m just glad I ended up going; I spent so long debating whether or not I should go, and in the end it was the best experience. 

[cinnamonaddictsanonymous]

Preparing for my Financial Reporting C exam, which is in exactly 12 hours... scary thought 

It’s been weird ever since we took a communication break. I ended up coming back, early, to NC, with the previous intention of visiting A for a few weeks... but instead I studied for classes, did CPA studies, got bored, hung out with Lance, then again, then we made tiramisu, and almost did stuff, then did do the stuff, and then he stayed over, and we did it twice... the first time, I was dead drunk. I was disgusted, and so sticky from whatever lube he’d gotten... took a shower, and woke up hungover and regretful. The second time I was a little tipsy, and just wanted cuddles. But we did of course have sex, and it wasn’t as bad. The third time, in the morning, was actually nice, and relaxing. And I wanted more, ugh. Kind of grossed out with myself, but also it was a kind of intimate contact I hadn’t gotten in so long, so I was grateful for anything. 

I missed A the entire time, I really did. I thought about him all day, every few minutes at least. But I was upset, and I feel like I justified it by feeling like he wasn’t going to come back. I mean, when we last had talked he was really happy even when I was crying, and seriously - when everyone is pitying you because your boyfriend is “too busy with work” to even talk/text then what are you supposed to think?? 

I knew he was busy, I know what he can be like - intensely focused to the point of exclusion of all else - but still. 

But, he texted on Saturday, (a few days ago), and besides the freak out that it was a break up for real it was alright. We’re doing ok. 

It helps that I’m busy, and I’m worried as hell about staying ahead in classes, because I can’t fail, not even a little bit! 

I still haven’t told Lance about A contacting me. He knows about my whole situation though, which is a plus. I don’t want to, but I also haven’t told A. I feel like he knows that something happened, but I don’t know how to tell him.  We’d be fine, I’m mostly sure, though it’s not an easy thing to admit to. If he were here - physically - I’d be better at this.

I’m also hanging out with David a lot, and that’s nice. I can’t tell if he has a crush on me or not, but he’s really great and we get along well.

I’ve started modafinil again, to keep motivated for classes. I kind of hate it, but also it’s really helpful. It’s meant a few nights of insomnia though, and my tolerance is building. It makes me so anxious, and the come-down is weird. Anxious, fidgety, can’t focus, and my heart pounds quite a bit. 

Sigh 

Long distance is *really* much easier when both people are busy. 

[cinnamonaddictsanonymous]

PUSH

So I got onto Tumblr half an hr ago to write this, but here I am now. 

PUSH yesterday... I stressed out wayyy too much beforehand. I spent too much money too... I did not need bodysuits or the coset or all the stuff I got.  I ended up going with a bodyharness and some black shorts that looked wrap-y, and some boots with fishnets that were always falling down. 

It was nice going with Andrey, and meeting Alana.  She was really odd in the beginning but I think it was because we were both shy, and she seems pretty reserved (like me, until she gets super drunk). 

Drove there, already kind of drunk - had a drink, hung out with Alana, and met Joe, some more people, a couple (Alaina and her friend) who had scarification, and then I went to dance some. That was my whole night, mostly dancing... I got pretty crazy. 

I kissed a girl for awhile, she was nice - I was afraid I was so dehydrated it was dry, but that was nice 

Then JOe... dear god he came up to me at the bar and said I had a great butt, and I said thanks I’ve worked really hard for it! And then he asked if he could kiss it and I of course said yes... damn he knows how to kiss a butt. I think I kissed him afterward because it was really sensual, but I can’t stop thinking about it all of today. 

I got on the table too, and danced, the guy also on the table had a rip off suit(?!) I witnessed that and it was amazing.

I had some great partners, 

I whipped a girl on a St. Andrew’s cross

I smacked some guy’s ass, that was satisfying

I got tons of compliments on how “hot” I looked, or my outfit, and honestly it was great. I felt on top of the world and dancing is so much fun, I do it so rarely

It was way too fun. I was wayyy too drunk. And Andrey was really nice, I was running into him all night and he’d always give me a little hug or pat me 

Woke up ridiculously hungover, and have been foggy-brained all day.  I think I burned close to 3,500 calories from dancing, ughhh but my digestion today is crazy horrible. 

I want to tell A about all the fun I had, but I also don’t, maybe. I think I pushed him away too much.  Even when I was drunk I didn’t really feel like talking with him. I mean I did, but also knew it wouldn’t be really fun. Plus I was/am still really upset that he was so apathetic over Thanksgiving, and idk. It’s easy to text and say I love you, but harder to show it in person. He seems really different. 

I loved hanging out with Andrey and his family. And all his friends. God - I’m still thinking of Joe kissing my butt. That actually... ugh. And he’s so cute, with his dreads, and how he’s not super skinny but actually adorable. Idk. 

What am I doing