cinnamoo-n
baby👼🏼
24, bisexual, existentialist, loves baked goods and getting baked.♐️keep going me💞
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hii reader. 👋🏼🌺
sooo i write articles for fun. i published an article on medium about nuances of female empowerment and the perception of self on what i see as a meaningful contribution on ongoing discussions about gender, identity, and empowerment. i will be very grateful if you could check it out and i appreciate any thoughts and insights into this!
happy week ahead!!
#women empowerment#content writing#loneliness#digital era#women’s experience#femininity#modern day feminism#academic validation#light academia#dark academia#academia aesthetic#these hashtags are so goofy lol#societal expectations#self identity#medium#blog
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sorry for acting batshit crazy I was feeling a little unwanted
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10 years of being online and this is the first time i've come across this much needed conversation
Sometimes I think about my best friend in my 20's response to when I told her I was envious of how talented and skilled she was cause she was always the friend that was doing a million new hobbies and just really had it together in my eyes and she seemed so disappointed in me and said how she's always been perceived as "talented" for things she was not a natural at and had actually worked tirelessly hard to learn to do and how it's never a compliment to assume someone has something you don't simply because they got lucky because more often than not they were just as capable as you and just chose to take risks, dedicate time, push through discomforts or doubts that maybe you succumb to, and really earned things that are often nonchalantly disregarded by peers as having walking in with already in hand
And I feel like that conversation really changed me cause I've always been bad at school and been a slow learner so I just sort of decided I wasn't smart and it wasn't my fault I wasn't born with the same advantages of people around me and I think that's something we all do as self protection from the truth that the only thing truly keeping us from what we want is usually ourselves and our decisions about our own narratives that aren't actually in stone even if we see them that way
I realized my friend was actually just not a quitter, and that she also felt not good enough often but decided to keep going in times where I know I would have stopped in her place
And I feel like taking ownership of my life a lot in the last few years has made me understand her better, even with stuff like chronic illness that practically begs us to victimize ourselves and then that way of thinking makes us sicker and more dependent on others when we could be accepting help without considering ourselves so helpless
It's really weird interacting with anyone once I've realized so much of that because I see my old self in people when they talk to me like I have something they don't because I am finally making different choices than I used to and honestly it is very irritating regardless of intention
If you want something someone else has that doesn't give you permission to assume how they got it or what it is even like having it - and I think more and more people have decided it's not their fault how they are choosing to live and that's why they are so stuck
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manifesting
please put me in an environment like this with the love of my life
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using tumblr for the righteous purposes it was created for; RANT TIME!!!
straight to the point- i need to emotionally withdraw myself from my boyfriend for a while. we were sleeping on call (well i was, its 4.5 hours behind for him) and i woke up at 2 am having a nightmare. i have those often but usually i distress mumble in my sleep and turn around n it passes. when i wake up from it, and he has seen it happen before, i am in a very disoriented state of mind as well as physical being. i cannot feel my body, i struggle to grasp for air, my hands are sweating, i have visual hallucinations of someone staring at me from the corner of my room. anyways, its BAD. i was crying out his name but he was not responding, having kept his phone somewhere else. i texted him. no response. so i call my bestie up instead n ask her to help me calm down. note; the reason for my nightmare also had something to do with the conversation i was havin w this bestie before i went to sleep + how it interacted with my overall terrible mental health atm. so yea when i calm down, i text him again n he doesnt respond again so i hang up the phone, ANNOYED and UPSET that its been over an hour n he hasnt checked him phone yet (the only medium of communication we have right now so its so important its basically our life line). so i angry text him saying “whats the point of sleeping on call if ,,, well ur not even gonna. BE on the call”.
too much shit later,, after being called stupid, annoying, entitled, we cut to today, and i have been collecting myself back from this episode for the past 2 days before addressing it. i am balancing my feelings and his feelings too. what does he do? makes me admit my faults alone while arguing that if he admits his then it will make him a doormat. more than anything, i am so baffled by the use of the world “entitled”… no one has EVER called me that before infact if u know me, u know i am not entitled in the least bit possible… it hurts me so much that he has this idea of me somewhere in the back of his head. its like he doesnt even know who i am. i do not care about accusing him of being a bad boyfriend, i cares abt the emotional needs it was underlying which is reassurance and availability. its so unbelievably hard to make him understand my side of the story.
anyways,,, this is not the cure but im emotionally withdrawing myself from him for im left believing that my vulnerability in seeking understanding and reassurance i was stupid to have allowed my hearts and minds bias of love and own sufferings to turn to sounding like wrongful ill worded accusations, and for this to be misconstrued as ego and entitlement on my part and to hear in response how annoying and stupid i am, it is stupidity to expect intentional softness and unconditional acceptance from someone who’s having a war with themselves about things that have nothing to do with me because that will only result in unintended hurt. my fault here is my over sensitivity. that i have to control my sensitivity before choosing to depend on others.
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GUYS. 1 year 1 month since i quit smoking
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
the journey is far from complete
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