circus-sys

[circus-sys]

Tw

I'm gonna be kinda specific so dont read if want I just need to get it out and yeah.

I really hate being self aware of whats happening to my brain but being unable to stop it. Ive been having a, what I can only think to call, passive flashback all day. Mentally I know I'm at work I know whats happening. But my heart is racing my body can *feel* things happening. I'm so violently uncomfortable and it just feels like I'm being touched and I just want it to stop but I know its not even happening so it cant stop its already stopped I dont know what to do anymore.

[circus-sys]

idgaf if my parents are disappointed in me I'm not impressed by them either

[circus-sys]

Some art we did of a recent fusion.

Their name is Novu

[circus-sys]

Why did this touch me more than any inspirational quote I've ever heard

[circus-sys]

"what was your childhood like?" idk I wasn't there

[circus-sys]

*guy who is very clearly going through. something* oh yknow. just a little tired haha

[circus-sys]

I hate when things are changing within the system and it makes me just feel off

We've been having a few small fusions which I think is part of it, but it feels like it's more

I just hate that everything feels wrong but i don't know why

[circus-sys]

sexual abuse isn't worse than emotional abuse btw. physical abuse isn't worse either.

abuse is abuse. it impacts everyone differently. we shouldn't be comparing trauma to see who had it the worst.

[circus-sys]

Realized with us attempting to be more active on here we should reintroduce ourselves.

So we are the Circus System. We're a Medically Recognized Polyfragmented DID System. We're bodily 24, born Feb 2000.

We don't really have a current host, we've been functioning with a small group of cohosts for the past couple years since our old longterm host integrated.

I'm not sure really what else I should put here lol.

We're most active on our tiktok circus_sys but our tiktok is much more lighthearted. We try to use this platform for our more "deep" thoughts.

If you guys have any questions for us our replies and asks are always welcome to be used!

- Vanessa ♟️

[circus-sys]

Someone drowning in 6 feet of water is as equally dead as a person drowning in 20 feet of water.

Please stop comparing trauma and making it a challenge. It’s trauma. Not a competition or medal.

[circus-sys]

I don't know if anything can ever convince me it wasn't my fault

[circus-sys]

[circus-sys]

DID but not in the fun alter disorder way, in the "people ask why I'm acting different but I'm literally acting the same way I always do why are you saying I'm acting different" way

[circus-sys]

i feel the crackling and burning of the embers

 insta 

(C.B)(2.19.19)

[circus-sys]

[circus-sys]

Me when the chronic pain pains me chronically

[circus-sys]

Reminder

DID isn't just having fun people in your head

Along with shifts in personality, it's often times:

amnesia: 'waking up' with no memory of what's going on

travelling and having no idea where you are or how you got there

dizziness

confusion

spacing out

headaches

feeling broken & worthless

fear

not knowing why or how you're wearing what you're wearing

nausea

pain

anxiety

finding things amongst your belongings you don't remember acquiring

time loss

depression

suicidal ideation & action

spikes in inexplicable emotion, especially anger, fear, and shame

body and voice dysphoria

depersonalization & derealisation

loss of control

hearing voices

finding injuries you don't remember getting

self harm

not recognising friends/family/colleagues

forgetting important events (birthdays, parties, graduations etc)

mood shifts with seemingly no trigger

finding notes in similar handwriting but something about it is slightly off

flashbacks: somatic flashbacks, nightmares, split second flashbacks to 'little things' but not getting more detail

bed wetting

age regression

inadvertently lying, or being questioned if you have

feeling like your body isn't yours

knowing something is wrong, but not what

wondering why your body doesn't align with your perceived sex (for alters whose gender/sex don't align with the body)

watching your body do things and having no control over it (feeling like a puppet or like playing a video-game in 3rd person)

mass fluctuations in libido: fluctuations from hypersexual to zero sexual desire

not being sure if things really happened, or whether you imagined/thought about them

identity confusion

+ many more

I have two book recommendations DID experiences: "All Of Me" by Kim Noble, and "The Girl in The Green Dress" by Jeni Haynes. Please check trigger warnings.