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cis-dichlorohexane · 8 years ago

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What it feels like to get dumped.

Its like.. I start to get better, and then I start thinking about you again, and then I’m like damn…… I always figured if this ever happened, we’d still hang out or something. 8:16 pm • 15 June 2017

Life update:

I feel pretty ok. Still miss you like hell. but I’m alright.

I hope you’re doing well.

10:58 pm • 13 June 2017

wow. I feel really good today 10:27 pm • 3 June 2017

Don’t read any of these posts

I got a moral boost today. \

feels great. The void is still there, but I don’t feel like the air isn’t working

4:26 pm • 2 June 2017

I feel a little better

I watched doctor strange. Its about an egotistical doctor who loses something very important to him. He eventually finds peace and purpose again.

Haydee, I still want you to be part of my peace. But, maybe one day I can not feel like this anymore.

I hope you’ll go to lunch/dinner with me soon.

10:39 pm • 1 June 2017

I’m losing you and I hate this so much everyday apart I lose you more and more I can’t do this I don’t want to live life without you last night I broke I was going to give you more space but I couldn’t and decided to call you today and then you called me at work. I shouldn’t have said I was at work, I should’ve said I was free and I could’ve seen you and picked you up Haydee I miss you so much and it hurts. Every day it hurts. All day it hurts. I want you to be happy But it hurts so much. Please let me see you Please give me another chance. “Well it was nice talking to you” That stings so much. I need to breath. I can’t breath

I want you to be happy. Please let me make you happy. I just want another chance. I called you and it I felt no care, no love in your voice. I miss you, and you know how I feel about you. And it felt like you were so over me. Six years, gone. I fucked up so bad I don’t know how long i can live like this Please let me see you

6:11 pm • 1 June 2017

“He makes me so happy”

“Everyone says I glow”

“I don’t want to hurt you…”

“I really believe I deserve better than this.”

I… don’t think you’ll give me another chance… and…

I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want to be with anyone else but you. I don’t…

i don’t know

I want you to be happy

And I also want to call you, talk to you, see you, hold you

I can’t remember when was the last time I looked into your eyes was. I can’t remember the last time I made you laugh.

I don’t want to lose you

I…. want to you to be mine

I wonder what you think of me

11:18 pm • 30 May 2017

Thursday May 30, 2017; 7:24 PM

not a day passes by where I think of how much I fucked up. I had every opportunity to fix us, make you feel special, and I let it fall through the cracks. Its so hard to lose someone that I’ve known and talked to for so long so abruptly. Like, with Sebastian I got sick of his shit and, yeah, I felt some remorse, but I felt better without him.

I guess thats how you feel about me right now. You broke up with me, so you are probably so sick of my crap that you don’t want to deal with me anymore. Thats such a strong emotion and resolve, and its so hard for me to accept that coming from you. Because that means there so little chance at me being with you again.

I like to think that you miss me, think about me– at least from time to time. Six years is a long time, even if… I hate how stupid I am, why would I let things go so far? How long where you feeling this way? Of course you would want to leave. Of course the next guy to make you feel happy would be better than me.

I lost someone so important to me due to my recklessness, selfishness, and stupidity

I hate thinking about you two. I avoided driving down waters today because I didn’t want to see your cars parked together.

Nowadays I’m happiest thinking about us, if you gave me another chance. How we’d be happy together.

But its just…. there’s so much against me, and I really don’t think you’ll ever want to be with me again. I fucked up too much.

I shouldn’t have begged you to take me back. That was wrong. I shouldn’t have put you in that position and I should have respected your feelings.

I want you to be happy. But its so hard not having you in my life anymore. There’s so many times a day I just want to call you, but I’m trying to give you space. I know I’m annoying. But I deserve this. So many times I should’ve called you and I didn’t. So much I should’ve done and didn’t.

I wonder how far away you are from me right now. What do you think of me? I get through the day at times thinking theres still some chance, but, I think about it and, I pushed you far away enough to break up and move on. You moved on. I’m pretty sure you hate me, maybe take pity on me. That night in the car when I mentioned this you didn’t deny it. And can I blame you? No.. this is all on me. It sucks, so much, knowing you care about someone else more than me.

If you’re reading this, like I told you not to, I’m sorry you had to read this. I wanted to talk to you, vent about this, but I can’t talk to you about this. This is something that I did, and it just feels a little better to be able to vent. its just… I miss you so much. And its so hard not being able to call you up and hanging out when you get off work, or like the next day when we’re not busy, or spending the entire day together like we used to.

july 23 can’t come soon enough

7:25 pm • 30 May 2017

I just wanna see you shine, ‘cause I know you are a star, girl. I’ve been in this club too long The woman that I would try Is happy wit a good guy But I’ve been drinking so much That I'ma call her anyway and say Fuck that nigga that you love so bad I know you still think about the times we had I say fuck that nigga that you think you found And since you picked up I know he’s not around 7:17 pm • 29 May 2017

Don’t read this, I just need to vent

Sunday May 28, 2017; 7:55PM

I was thinking about you, I always am.

But I was thinking about you, how much I miss you, how much I wish I could talk to you. And I was laying in bed, I’m still at my uncle’s, about to take a nap. Hopefully dream about you.

And then you called me. I somehow knew it was you, or maybe I was just hoping so badly that it would be. And it made me really happy. It sounded like you were super busy, and the reception here is pretty bad. I don’t know if the call dropped or if you hung up. But its put my heart at ease for now. Like, it was really nice to talk to you and tell you how I am. I wanted to keep talking to you. Tell you about Ron and Genie, an old couple I met last night. They’re going to Costa Rica with my aunt and uncle + another aunt and uncle from Colombia. Ron had open heart surgery, he even showed me his scar! He owns this time-share motel on the beach for the last 20 years and Genie does something or other. They’re not married, but they’ve been together fro 21 years (they’re in their 60′s/70′s. They were nice to talk to.

But it was nice to talk to you. So nice. I wish you were here to see this sunset with me. There’s birds singing, the trees are rustling, my uncle has this gorgeous gazebo type thing overlooking a lake. You can hear the cars in the distance but it somehow adds to the beauty of this place.

And then other thoughts push their way in.

Why did you call me? Did you want to or was it to make sure I wasn’t killing myself after snap chatting drinks last night? But you were at work and I’m guessing on your break? Part of me feels like you want to see me but the realist part of me knows/thinks/feels like thats not the case. I guess its just part of being human to think what you want most is reality. You know how guys are, right? The slightest bit of affection from a girl and they always think the girl wants them. I hate my guy brain.

Thank you for calling me. I needed that.

oh, yeah… My uncle was saying his wife is his parcera, it means homie in Colombian slang. How they sometimes has this telepathic connection. Like how he made her coffee in the morning and afternoon before she was going to. I know we’ve had little instances like this. I like to think you calling me was one of those. I so badly wanted to talk to you and you called.

fuck I miss you

7:54 pm • 28 May 2017

May 28, 2017; Sunday 12:31AM

I’ve been hanging with my aunt and uncle, drinking belvedere and grey goose, kickin with their Polish friends. I don’t talk to them much but its still really fun; they’re silly and nice to talk to/hear their Polish conversations

I miss you so much. I want to call you and tell you how I’m doing, hear how you are.

When I was coming here, my uncle asked if you were coming. I so badly wanted to say yes. I wish you were here, I know you’d love it. He has an open bar and my sun and uncle are the coolest adults I know. and Bourn, the rottweiler, is a teddy bear. I’ve missed this dog. I’m having fun. I just wish you were here to spend it with me.

I’m drunk/super tipsy off vodka. I love you

12:35 am • 28 May 2017

Saturday May 27, 2017; 1:06 AM Please read this post only

Dear Haydee Lei,

We’ve spent about a quarter of our lives together. We’ve had our ups and downs, the later of which I stupidly caused. And I pushed you away, and I know that. This may be the worst mistake of my life thus far and that I’ll ever make.

I don’t know if he’s really leaving in July, how you will feel about him, if you will really give me a second chance, or if I can ever make you love me like before.

But I do know some things: I care about you more than I knew, and should’ve known. I care about you so much that I don’t care what anyone else thinks, just what you think. I care about you so much… that I want you to be happy. I want you to be happy with me, but if thats no longer a possibility, then I want you to be happy in whatever way possible.

I’m never going to stop thinking about you. I’m never going to stop loving you. I’m never going to forget the way you used to look at me. I’m never going to forget your voice when you called me baby. I’m never going to forget how you said ‘I love you’ when you truly meant it.

I want you to be happy, and I don’t want you to hate me. So even if it brings me the end of the abyss, I will leave you to be happy. I still want you as a part of my life, in whatever capacity that may be.

I love you

-Juan David

1:18 am • 27 May 2017

As you can see, I have had a lot on my mind today.

I’m not going to stop fighting. I won’t let 3 months create a distance between us that can’t be fixed. I’ve made too many mistakes in my life, and this will NOT be one of them. I don’t care how long or hard I have to fight.

10:56 pm • 25 May 2017

You were willing to spend the rest of your life with me, and all I had to say was yes.

I hate myself. I’m so stupid.

I just want to hear you call me baby again. To see the sparkle in your eyes when you look at me.

to hold you in my arms.

I know you hate me

I can tell by the way you sigh. How annoyed you are that I’m still trying. How you probably said you’d give me another chance so I’d shut up and not hurt my feelings. How can I blame you? After the way I treated you? You were my queen and I never treated you that way.

6:32 pm • 25 May 2017

I’m scared

I’m scared that when you give me a second chance, you won’t be able to not think of him when we’re together

I’m scared that when you give me a second chance, you won’t be able to love me like you used to

I’m scared that you won’t give me a second chance

I’m scared of spending the rest of my life without you

6:27 pm • 25 May 2017

Me: “Thank you for seeing me last night. I feel ok”

You: “That’s good to hear”

I’m not ok

I still miss you. I still feel so stupid for everything I did to you, everything I put you through. If I hadn’t done any of those things you’d still be mine.

and….

I think the only reason I don’t feel like a void is that theres a slight chance you can be mine again. You said he’s leaving. But…

Can I make you feel like he makes you feel? I don’t know

that’s three months from now. Three months to fall in love with him. Three months to forget about me completely. Three months for all the good that we had to fade from your memory and just remember all the bad, and hate me. Three months to ignore me.

Even if you gave me another chance… how can I make you forget him.

I want you to be happy

with me

I’m so fucking stupid

9:34 am • 25 May 2017

Thank you for seeing me. You don’t know how much peace that gave me

and… its wicked… but I’m happy. Happy to know that he’s leaving

happy to know that, even if you were just saying that, you would be willing to give me another chance

12:16 am • 25 May 2017

Please take me back

Haydee I love you. More than I knew myself. I can’t lose you

If you’re reading this, please call me.