cjsbrainfarts

[cjsbrainfarts]

How I miss to hear my name upon those lips that I have kissed so rightly.

And yours on mine spoke in kind because it's the only word I can find to describe how I feel about you still

And the thrill of that sound when my lips wrap around your name still makes me feel the same as the first time you said I love you.

I'd rather have that than not. A love experienced and not forgot

-I did not write this, but I sure as hell felt it. And I know LBM won’t see this, but I can pretend she will…

[cjsbrainfarts]

Goddammit I miss you…

[cjsbrainfarts]

I think I have been lying to myself for a long time. I have always told myself and everyone around me that the reason I do for others is because I felt that it was my calling to do so. But I’m starting to think that the reason I selflessly help people is because it’s my penance for the fucked things I have done in my life and the all around asshole I used to be.

That actually sounds better than the former..’

[cjsbrainfarts]

And then there are the days when I hear a song…and out of nowhere, the memory of her assaults every fiber of my being. Even after this long, I still see the way those eyes look at me and the way her skin feels against mine. The smell of her hair. The warmth in her embrace. The softness in her lips.

Oh, and I know that nobody really gives a fuck..but my god, I miss her. And I know that I will never, ever see her again no matter how much I try to find her or how many hours I waste searching for her. Maybe in my next life we’ll meet and I’ll get it right.

I just needed to get that out so I can go on with the rest of this day…

[cjsbrainfarts]

I don’t really like how my thought process works. One second, I’m in a great mood and thinking things are going well. Then, I see something, or hear something, or smell something that reminds me of a thing and I am hurled into a whirlwind of emotions and the “what if’s” and the “I wonders” come knocking. I know I’m not the only one like this, but it fucking sucks. I hate being like this. It wasn’t always this way, tho. This all started a couple of years ago when I finally decided that I was the problem with everything (even tho I may not have been, in reality) and decided to not hold back on things. What a dumbass move that was!

Anyways, that’s enough for now. Toodles..

[cjsbrainfarts]

I’m having a decent day today, so I feel like tooting my own horn a little bit. I know y’all really don’t care what I have to say, but bear with me anyway..

It’s wild to think about where you are at this very moment in life, then think about where you have been and the steps it took to get where you are. Three years ago, I was married, unhappy and living a menial existence. Then the divorce came. Then the freedom. Then the alcohol. I didn’t care about anything, myself especially. I was drinking an entire bottle of Irish whiskey a night and not giving a damn about the consequences. Fast forward a couple of months..new place to live, new outlook on life, same questionable habits. Throw in not feeling right for a day with a trip to the emergency room and you have yourself a recipe for a raging infection coursing throughout your body and a foot that is on the verge of becoming extinct. Luckily, only a small part of it had to be removed. Luckily…..

Anyway, moving on. Now we are up to the time when I’m healed and ready to rejoin society. Not so fast, fat boy. You didn’t follow instructions on how to take care of yourself so you need to be taught another lesson! Wake up to an eye so swollen that it looked like someone has shoved a golf ball under your eyelid. But wait…you’re out of town, so now you have to get yourself home. Now comes the learning to do things with limited vision. Make it home, and after 4 needles to the eye (without any way to numb that shit up, mind you), another trip to the hospital is in order. A month later, you’re right back where you started. After all is said and done, you’re more than ready to get back to life. You’ve wrapped your brain around everything and moving forward. Hold up…back to work just to be fired. Lovely! Then a job opportunity falls into your lap. Soon after, the person you thought you might spend the rest of your life with shows up. But after a few months, that goes down the toilet too. So here you are again..back in that depression. Back to emptiness. But this time, there’s an answer. It’s in the nightstand drawer right beside you. So you reach over and grab it. Pull the slide and put it to your temple. Click…just like your life up to this point, nothing. Then the gravity of what you just attempted hits you. That was almost it. What did you do!?!? Right then, I knew I had to make a change.

So I did. And I made more changes. And yet more. And here I am today. Good job, amazing friends and family, bought a new car last year and a house this year. I’ve come a long way! And as long as I’m able, I’ll keep moving forward.

So look…even tho it looks like you’re at your wits end and all is lost..have faith. Trust in God’s plan for you. Pray. I pray every day. Mostly for all my friends and family to be happy and healthy. And I thank God on a daily basis for another day..and bad primers…

[cjsbrainfarts]

Who am I?

This is a question we have all, at one point or another, asked ourselves. It’s a perfectly valid question. We all want to know who we are. Who we REALLY are. I’ve been tasked with writing about who I am. Not the type of person I am, but who Chris is. And in these words, I am going to try to tell you. So, without further ado, enjoy.

So..who am I? I’m the product of decisions that I’ve made and the result of situations that I have been placed into, intentionally or not. Now, I’d like to believe that was the case, but I think that’s pretty far off the mark. Sure, those play a role in defining you but they aren’t absolute.

Me? I’m the monster you check your closet for before you slip under your covers. I’m the anger you feel when someone you care deeply for is suddenly taken from you. I’m the hatred for your worst enemy. But, I am also the warrior who gladly throws himself into battle for what he believes in. The tears shed for the friend who was just given bad news. I’m even the heartwarming feeling that you get when you receive an unexpected gift. I’m the generosity when you give up something dear to you so that others may enjoy it as you have.

In all actuality, I am none of these things..and I am all of them at the same time. Anger, rage, fear. Benevolent, protective and compassionate. It’s all a part of what makes me..me. So you’ll tell me that the first three are not good. From who’s perspective? To me, they’re vital to my survival. My anger drives me to do better and be better as an individual. My fear keeps me from making decisions that could negatively impact myself and others. And as for the rage, it’s always there. Simmering just below the surface, ready at a moments notice as needed. Yes, I am an absolute monster. But I have learned over time to control it.

Now for the second three. I am all of these as well, but sometimes to my own detriment. Being a benevolent person has often led to being taken advantage of. I’m protective as well. What I consider to be mine is deserving of it, but I have been known to take it too far and smother. Compassion, I think, is the cornerstone of me. I have given of myself more than I have ever asked for in return. That is my nature. People will call this having a big heart. I don’t believe that. We are all inherently compassionate in some form or another. It’s all about perspective.

So, who am I? Well, in the words of William Earnest Henley, “I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.” I am serenity one moment and a rage of emotion the next. And I have control of both, even though they both overwhelm me at times. And it’s amazing how quickly I can go from one to the other..

[cjsbrainfarts]

They say you can never go back to the person you were yesterday. I’m going to challenge that notion. Starting now I’m going back to the old, emotionally numb, dead inside me. I’m tired of the world and everyone in it taking me for granted. No more compassion. No more random acts of kindness. No more doing for others. It’s me and only me from here on out..

[cjsbrainfarts]

I’ve been doing a lot of reading lately. Mostly about recovery and detoxing. And it’s surprising the amount of articles and studies you can find relating to mental health and substance abuse recovery. But what you don’t see a lot of is recovering from disappointment, or “detoxing” from being rejected.

Me? I’m different. My drug of choice is performing acts of service. That’s what gives me that rush. The euphoric feeling. The escape from reality. Call me cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, stupid, or just plain crazy if you like. But it’s the honest truth. The caveat to that is, I only feel that when it’s for one person. No, I’m not referring to anyone in particular, I’m referring to someone who might be “the one”. When I choose this person, I make it my sole focus to do whatever I can for them even to the point where it completely consumes me. It’s all I think about. “What can I do for them?” or “How can I make sure they have a good day?”. I don’t ever ask for anything in return, but there is something I’m trying to obtain from them. Their love. Their heart. Once I have that, then I have everything I want. I do whatever is necessary to keep it.

Yep. Love. That’s it. My drug of choice. I really don’t give a fuck what you may think of me when I say that. And like any good addict..I’ll do whatever it takes until I can get my fix.

[cjsbrainfarts]

I know this probably doesn’t mean much and I know for sure it won’t change anything, but I miss you. And not because of the way I feel about you, just you in general. I just wanted to tell you that

[cjsbrainfarts]

I think I’m ok today. I’m not constantly bombarded with thoughts of you. I’m allowing the outside world to get in and distract me a little. But it’s not constant. There are the moments when you sneak in and break the cycle. Then I have to stop what I’m doing and let you linger for a moment. And then another moment..until you completely dominate my headspace. It’s then that I tell myself that I have to maintain focus on the task at hand and shake you away. Temporarily...until you sneak in again. Only then does the sadness creep in, and I think to myself how amazing it could be to have you not just in my head but also in my life....

[cjsbrainfarts]

[cjsbrainfarts]

Men shouldn’t be mocked for showing emotion or vulnerability, there’s no shame in it.

[cjsbrainfarts]

My days are getting longer and longer. I feel like I am walking in every direction at once. I keep breathing because it’s all I have left. I’m at a point in my life where I no longer care what people think of me. People have all but given up on me. And why shouldn’t they? I don’t have anything to offer anyone. The only thing keeping me from laying down in defeat is my family and my boys. Nothing else matters. To everyone else, I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed. I used to tell people that if they needed me, just call on me and I’ll be there. But who’s going to be there for me? Who’s going out of their way for me? Who’s going to be there at the end to say goodbye one last time? It’s completely selfish to think like that, but that seems to be the way of the world now. I’ll never ask anyone for anything. I’ve wasted a million dollars doing for those that don’t care. I’ve wasted a million words on those who refuse to hear what I’m trying to say. I’m tired, y’all. Tired of trying. Tired of fighting. Tired of begging for people to notice me. Tired of being...me. I’ve lost my will.

[cjsbrainfarts]

Guys like me, we don’t get the girl. We’re the ones who are there to help pick up the girl after she’s been broken by someone who never deserved her in the first place. The ones who are there to listen and offer support when it all gets a little too much for her. The ones that will make a special trip and pick up something silly just because they heard her say she wanted it. Then, we’re the ones who get to watch her give herself to someone else that doesn’t deserve her time and efforts. Once again, we are left behind, forced to hold our feelings in check and wait for the next time she falls. It’s a vicious cycle for her, and for us. But one day, we won’t be there to help her up. One day she’s going to wonder where we are. It’s then that she will realize that, all along, there was someone who was willing to go that extra mile for HER. Listen without judgement to HER. Burn this world to ash at a mere command from HER. We are a dying breed. There’s not many of us left in this world where most are only out for themselves. Sure, we aren’t the best looking or have the best jobs. We may have demons of our own that we fight with. But most of us are willing to carry our weight and yours as well without a second thought. We just need the chance. Give us that chance...

[cjsbrainfarts]

I love you

I miss you

You will always have a place in my heart

You’ll never see this

But I like to pretend you will

[cjsbrainfarts]

They say iron sharpens iron. That’s why I knew we were doomed from the start. Because baby, you will always be gold..much too soft and precious for the likes of me. They also say it takes a diamond to cut a diamond. But you told me you never wanted diamonds. You didn’t like them. And therein lies the tragedy of us.