cjthecaffeinejournalist

[cjthecaffeinejournalist]

On Loving An Emotionally Broken Man

Maybe in a similar way I'm addicted to pain too, the friction of something as beautiful as love causing me so much misery. It's almost like I'm turned on by something destroying me so fully from the inside out, touching every nerve and shaking me.

[cjthecaffeinejournalist]

when I tried to kill myself you never even crossed my mind,

when I wanted to live you were all I thought about

[cjthecaffeinejournalist]

Rewriting Pretty Little Liars: Revisit - Aria AND EZRA Should've Been A

A couple years ago, I rewrote the final A reveal for the tv series Pretty Little Liars because the series finale left many PLL fans (including me) greatly confused and disappointed. When I rewrote PLL the first time, it literally gave me a headache trying to draw a cohesive storyline from the plot-hole littered source of the show, and the book series is even more disturbing and darker despite its cohesiveness - not to mention its eye-rolling cliches and cheesiness at times. I told myself back then that I was done with the show and would likely never rewrite it again.

Now, rewatching it casually for the first time in almost a decade (I literally felt the grey hairs grow out of my head), I see that the show as a whole just couldn't run as is in 2025; specifically, the ick-inducing relationship between Aria and her literal English teacher Ezra. So, I'm back at it again y'all rewriting Pretty Little Liars for a show-line that would pass the vibe check for gen z.. sorta, I guess - I mean as a zillennial I'm a sucker for nostalgia so I'm gonna outline a PLL series that honors the nostalgia of the 00's but compliments the gen z aesthetic compared to shows like Euphoria.

*disclaimer: this is like a rough TLDR version for now, I might flesh it out later but no promises

First, let's fix/rewrite the biggest problem: the Ezra/Aria relationship.

In my rewrite (fan-fiction, ig?), Ezra would be revealed to be another teenager like Aria who stole the identity of the real Ezra Fitz to pass as an English teacher. In this version of the show, Ezra's real name would be Ezra Fitzgerald (like we learn from the show) BUT he'd be a fellow high-school student who met Allison when she paraded as Vivian Darkbloom. Ezra would be brilliant and years above the literary skills/knowledge of his peers, making passing as an English teacher easy. He would still be Board Shorts, meeting Allison when she attended a summer arts/acting camp as Vivian Darkbloom (I thought this made sense in context of the whole black-and-white retro movies everyone in this show seems obsessed with; Allison wanted to be an actress, Ezra wanted to write films/direct). Allison dumps Ezra and he became kinda obsessed with her, so he moved to Rosewood to learn more about Allison and "write her story," only to meet Aria and suddenly fall in love with her instead. Ezra would be what Toby was supposed to be; stalker-ish, creepy. Ezra learns about the creepy stalker group the N.A.T. club with Allison's brother Jason to better stalk Allison, but as he falls in love with Aria and begins stalking her instead, he realizes she's A and confronts her to team up because he loves her and believes that she's a victim to Alison, and Alison should suffer for it.

Allison would be alive and would actually fulfill the redemption arc. The girl buried in her yard would be Allison's twin under the alias Bethany Young. Allison was first hit in the head with a shovel by Melissa Hastings (triggering a crash-out character arc for Spencer like Betty in Riverdale), but then she was rescued by Mona when she was secretly invited to the barn party by Hanna. As a thank you, Allison teaches Mona all her tricks and promises her she'll be "part of the group" before running away as Vivian Darkbloom. Aria would kill Bethany Young with her younger brother's field-hockey stick (wrongly implicating Ian), then her and her family would move to Iceland to try to treat her recent patterns for unhinged spontaneous violence (i.e. wrecking her dad's office, etc.).

Upon return from Iceland, Aria realizes that Mona has been become the new Alli/queen-bee and wants to join the group, so she entices Mona as A (pretending to be Alison) and instructs her to become A/take the fall for A so that she can become part of the group. Mona is revealed to be A and for the rest of the show has no clue who A is, but presumed it was Alison.

I think in this version Mona would need to actually die, but she'd visit Spencer as a ghost because the two think the same.

Aria would've killed Maya because Maya would catch A creeping around her house in the red coat (this is actually Alison trying to figure out who A is so she can return home). Before A sneaks into Radley and kills Mona, she would say "Miss Aria You're a Killer Not Ezra's Wife" because Mona has realized that Aria is A and A thinks she killed Alison, but Alison is unknowingly alive.

Aria's motive for becoming A would be to find someone to blame for Allison's death because she thinks she killed her. By finding out her friend's secrets, she manipulates them to do whatever she wants them to, all while protecting her own secrets - seeing her presumed teacher and killing who she thought was Allison. Soon the power and control becomes too addictive for her and Ezra aggravates it further as a field-study for their writing.

TBH I'm struggling to think of a motive for Aria killing Allison aside from a buildup of their frenemy shit, but actually what I think might be tea is if Aria's family decided to take her to Iceland because Allison snitched on her for her erratic/misbehavior and Allison found out that Aria was a previous Radley patient. Aria would've killed Allison to protect her secret and so that she and their friends couldn't continue being friends without her, hence why the group is suddenly forced back together when she returns from Iceland as A.

Aria would be caught by Spencer when she realizes its like Scream and there are two killers; the endgame plan for catching A would be like writing their own movie, playing into the character's motifs of vintage movie stardom. I can't think of what the smoking gun would be off the top of my head, other than maybe Spencer would reread diaries Mona wrote during her time as A and realized it's similar to the script of Aria's favorite retro movie. Maybe Spencer would use Allison's diaries to lure out A.D. by treating them like a coveted manuscript for a movie Ezra and Aria want to star in, idk.

I think it would be more cohesive to the plot if the only A reveals were Mona, then Aria and Ezra. Or, in between Mona and A.D., have CeeCee or Melissa be revealed to be recruited by A because they thinks it's Alison disguised as Vivian Darkbloom when it's actually Aria. Ultimately, the primary storyline would be about how one liar (Alison) created a monster in Aria, the prettiest littlest liar. I think in the end Aria and Ezra would be arrested by police but then escape to France to live under aliases Daisy and J Gatsby, powerless against the liars because they no longer had lies to protect, but never quite guaranteed to be gone for good; it would be like a coming-of-age story about growing out of petty lying/vengeance and maturing to trust friends/partners when hurt/threatened. A major theme would also be that people can change for good, especially from who they were in high school.

This is all for now, may or may not revisit this and elaborate more in the future, but just thought it'd be fun to readapt such iconic source material.

[cjthecaffeinejournalist]

Black men should be able to experience joy and black women should be able to rest.

[cjthecaffeinejournalist]

Going to law school is learning that white frat bros created laws that allowed the federal government to bail out Real Estate and Finance companies from over $60 trillion of debt but the federal government will never bail out the everyday person from $2,000 of debt on a credit card

[cjthecaffeinejournalist]

When People in the Bible felt immense emotions of love or anguish, they wrote songs

Verse 1

We were electric, lit up the night, But you’re lost in the shadows, can’t see the light. Promises whispered, now just echoes fade, You say you want me, but you’re so afraid.

Pre-Chorus

Caught in your head, you’re a puzzle, a maze, Searching for something in this restless haze. But I know the truth, it’s written in stars, You’re my soulmate, despite all the scars.

Chorus

Oh, you don’t know what you want, but you’re all I see, Caught in this limbo, can’t you feel the chemistry? Every time you run, I’m right here on the line, You’re my heart, my chaos, a love so divine.

Verse 2

Days turn to questions, nights filled with doubt, You’re standing at the edge, still trying to figure it out. I’d fight through the silence, break down these walls, But you’re tangled in your fears, and I’m here with my heart on call.

Pre-Chorus

Caught in your head, you’re a puzzle, a maze, Searching for something in this restless haze. But I know the truth, it’s written in stars, You’re my soulmate, despite all the scars.

Chorus

Oh, you don’t know what you want, but you’re all I see, Caught in this limbo, can’t you feel the chemistry? Every time you run, I’m right here on the line, You’re my heart, my chaos, a love so divine.

Bridge

Maybe someday you’ll find your way, Through the confusion, through the gray. I’ll hold the space while you learn to be, The one who knows love, the one who’s free.

Chorus

Oh, you don’t know what you want, but you’re all I see, Caught in this limbo, can’t you feel the chemistry? Every time you run, I’m right here on the line, You’re my heart, my chaos, a love so divine.

Outro

So take your time, I’ll be waiting here, With open arms, I’ll chase away the fear. You’re my soulmate, in this tangled dance, Just find your way back, give love another chance.

[cjthecaffeinejournalist]

Hourglass

In the time it took me to fall in love with you,

An entire class morphed from baby-faced kids to pimple-faced teenagers.

In the time it took me to fall in love with you

an apartment lease reached its end.

In the time it took me to fall in love with you

I took off and landed in a plane for the very first time

2 hopeless romantics were happily married

3 gal pals moved 3 states away from each other

4 roommates became best friends

5 hours were spent finally embracing the culture of having Black hair

6 novels were read

My credit score improved by 7 points

8 weeks passed between an application and an acceptance letter

9 strangers followed each other on Instagram promising to hang out again soon

And in just 10 months I felt like I learned and loved myself better as I learned and loved you.

I feel like I’ve waited my whole life for you. And after the year of time it took for me to fall in love with you, these minutes away from you feel like an eternity.

[cjthecaffeinejournalist]

[cjthecaffeinejournalist]

LOVE like LSD

When you attempt to love others

Without first loving yourself,

You’re nothing but a drug dealer.

You have something that everyone wants

That you’re generously providing.

Love like drugs.

Compassion like cocaine.

For your love you’re rewarded with tokens.

Gratitude like coins.

Trust like dollars.

They need you.

They think your love is helping them,

Is getting them through til tomorrow

Is going to numb their pain

Is finding value in their existence.

But you don’t love yourself,

So the love you give is hazardous.

Like a drug dealer

You don’t partake in your own goods.

Your clients come back hooked,

Running the risk of an OD every moment of their lives.

It’s your fault you sold your love for cheap.

Like a drug dealer

You sacrifice strength for wealth

Boundaries for popularity

Love for tokens.

Like a drug dealer

You have blood on your hands,

The blood of those who loved you and OD’ed

Because the lack of love for yourself

Made them overcompensate.

Without first loving yourself,

The love you give is a placebo.

[cjthecaffeinejournalist]

“Your Pain is a Dominatrix”

You are a slave to your pain

You have become hypnotized by the agony of your past.

Like every Black man Richard Nixon knew,

you shoot up the cocaine of your pain straight into your arm,

the sting of the needle getting you hard

The rush of poison into your bloodstream turning you on.

While you sit on the gravel in the middle of a tunnel,

You lecture about allegories best enjoyed outside of caves.

You extend your arms

Skin shivering at the excitement of your pain’s

Cold shackles.

The agony of the past you refuse to let go of brands you with a hot iron switch

And blood rushes to your face as you burn in your misery’s ecstasy.

Though your cum’s on my lips

It’s not the articulate vulnerability from my tongue that satisfied you -

It was how I reminded you of the long hard scars you refuse to heal.

I take off my clothes

but your eyes are locked onto the

chain of resentment

binding your leg.

Patterns of the past lick you

Like whips,

But through gritted teeth you beg for more.

My legs are spread open

Patiently waiting for you to take me in full,

But you’ve finished early at the feel of your pain tying a noose around your neck.

You remember your pain, bask

In your distrust and resentment

To get high above clouds where you can forget

About healing for another day.

I give you my heart

But your fears of this always ending the same

Have afforded your pain the entirety of your soul.

Your pain tells you to run and hide and ruin,

And obediently you say

“Yes master.”

[cjthecaffeinejournalist]

We’re so haunted by our pain.

Can we enter and exit the haunted mansions of our past? Can we look demons and poltergeists in the face and tell them to fuck off? Can we distinguish the ghosts from the guests, the living from the dead?

It’s time to walk towards the bright light of the afterlife. It’s time to move on.

[cjthecaffeinejournalist]

The Real Gotham: Volume One, Issue 1

It's been over 9 months since I moved to New York City and I've learned and observed so much - in both empowering and in painful ways.

For some reason, I thought moving to Gotham would just remind me of what I already knew - not make the shadows darker. Working for The Org has exposed me to a whole other side of corruption I had only fantasized about. The way supervisors cover for each other for severely breaking protocol, the toxicity of conservative higher-ups, the manipulation of subordinates subject to a poisoned system, the blatant disregard of mental health and employee wellness and the daring *audacity* to shame US for needing help/time off/etc. when we struggle, and to advertise the importance of mental health without providing any insurance coverage or appointment time for regular therapy sessions..

When I moved to Gotham, I knew - dare I say, I hoped - I would see the truth of real life in all its darknesses. I wanted to confront the maniacs and underworld King-Pins. I wanted to study Bruce Wayne and learn the rules of his world.

I wanted to continue becoming the Batman.

And in many ways I think all of my desires have come to be fulfilled, but I didn't expect to have to experience even more of the trauma that ignited Bruce Wayne's insatiable thirst for vengeance. I thought I had been traumatized enough, had witnessed enough. And more than any of that, I thought I could become the Batman without having to be Bruce Wayne first.

But the duality of hero and villain is ever-resounding through this vigilante narrative that has become my life; I have to be Bruce Wayne, serve [The Org like it's The League of Justice] when in fact it's a direct contributor to the villainous systems that oppress those that I'm serving. And to challenge The Org, to rattle the walls and puncture the ceiling of Bruce Wayne's offices, I have to risk getting called a villain between the whispers of very powerful people.

I know the path I have chosen; I know that my passion for vigilante justice in a cold world like ours makes the work for change exhausting. I know I sacrifice some sanity for this maddening hope that the world can get better, that we as people can be better before we become worse..

I've committed to this path where I hope that this work will make a positive impact, that my pain is worth it, and that empathy and revolution are not ideas lost in the myth and legend of 'the good ole days.'

But it's hard not to feel like a clown after delusionally hoping that Gotham's dark cloud wouldn't pour its toxic rain on me.

[cjthecaffeinejournalist]

Accepting love from anyone without first loving yourself isn’t a relationship - it’s charity.

And baby,

You are too rich and too wealthy

In wit and in love and in compassion and in wisdom and in ambition and in merit

For fucking charity

[cjthecaffeinejournalist]

And I realized more even still,

Including the terrifying fact that

It wasn’t his rejection that I was so afraid of;

I’m just deathly afraid

Of not being pretty enough

Not being funny enough

Not being smart enough

Not being sensual enough

To ever

Have someone I love be attracted to me back

[cjthecaffeinejournalist]

Mr. Potato Head

Mr. Potato Head,

why must you be

such a wise-cracking

idiot?

Can't you see how I smile at you?

Can't you smell how much my body craves yours? - all the

lotions,

body butters,

sprays and oils,

fruits and juices

I've been coating myself in for a chance to unclothe you?

Can't you hear

my sighs of bliss

whenever you finish an intelligent line?

Can't you taste

the extra costly toothpaste

and overpriced mouthwash

and regularly harvested chewing gum

on my breath whenever I say things

to probe more of your thoughts and voice?

Can't you feel

how much I admire you,

how much I adore you,

how much my soul aches to be paired with yours?

For as intelligent as you are,

and as wise as you are,

you really

truly

utterly impress me with how blissfully unaware you are

to how much I desire you.

[cjthecaffeinejournalist]

"Resilience often makes us less soft”

My pain was an intensity like ecstasy

Like the ecstasy I felt

When your lips said my name for the first time.

The golden gates the beauty of your soul brought me to

Parted for me

And I realize this is a floodgate

A dam for my pain.

I stood numb and shivering

Watching my pain well up to flood me

As your rejection

Formed behind your eyes

And began to drip from your tongue.

As my pain washed over me

Like molten gold

The same lava of sun

That burned Icarus

I collapsed.

My pain showed no mercy

Rushing over me

Filling me

Rubbing me

Tasting and choking me

Similar

To how you rushed to fill me, rub me, taste me.

And like your affection

My pain brought me to a sacred place

Leaving me breathless

Numb

Staring up at God

Naked and weak.

My legs were spread

My arms were open

And I watched what remained of my soul

Scatter into a billion pieces.

Maybe if my shattered heart

Split into smaller and smaller fragments

The wind of my pain

Could carry my heart far and wide

Across oceans and beyond boundaries

Where my heart had never been before.

Maybe those small remains

Would be found and held by nomads pacing in desserts

Pilots grazing skies

Sailors caressing oceans

And they could endure the journey

To bring my heart's shards back to me,

Honoring the duty of a bold explorer and

Cherishing the mysteries of my pieces like the treasures of weary travelers.

Perhaps

This is why I would love again after failing love so many times.

Perhaps I craved the high and ecstasy

Of both love and pain.

And because the resilience hardens me

This time I've surrendered to my blinding pain,

Pain that will always belong to me

But can only be gifted to me from failed lovers.

I've surrendered to the pain

And the molten lava of that pain

Molded what little remained of my heart

Into glass marbles

rolling into exotic lands

to be found by explorer's hands.

Perhaps to surrender to pain

Is the only way

To keep this from always ending the same.

[cjthecaffeinejournalist]

Like my lipstick

my blood stained my teeth as I smiled through pain,

as I smiled through agony.

The fracture of my heart proved that this was living,

That I was alive

And barely breathing through my sobs.

I felt my heart throb

The cut through my chest made my blood vessels pulse and twitch.

Every second I watched the world

New tears ripped shards of glass into my eyes.

Under my knees that gave out in the shock and torment

I feel the earth move

Spinning calmly

Turning slowly

Like everything continued in its circular course undisturbed

While I watched my corner of the world fall apart

Burn

Wither

in rejection's chaos.