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It had been over three weeks since the release of Pins and Needles.
My platforms were skyrocketing with traction, gaining followers faster than I could imagine. This is where my attention should be drawn, but it’s not. Every chirp of my phone fills my insides with anxiety soaked in acid and bile. I am unnerved every time I pull the device up to see what notification awaits me. I am terrified to see the words staring up at me.
I removed the contact name after the first text came in the night the song dropped. I couldn’t bear to see those three letters staring up at me in a daunting mockery of all that I tried to be without him. Removing the name didn’t help matters, I always clocked the last few numbers of any unknown message and could easily figure out if it was his. After a week or so, this didn’t help anymore. He’d randomly text through burners, I guess to try and snuff out any trail.
Clairebear.
My Claire.
Babydoll.
Every pet name that stretched across my phone’s screen that didn’t come from Juno caused a deep ache in my soul that scraped away at all the light that Juno poured into me. I hated this man. I hated him with a passion. But also, in some sick way, I didn’t. Part of me knew I wouldn’t be here without him. He clawed his nails so deep into my soul when I was barely eighteen and he rooted them there. It didn’t matter that I got away. The darkness that he planted inside of me has been growing since the moment we met. The first time he called me his special girl. The first time he forced himself on me and said that it was love and desire. A part of me never recovered from this. He stole the light inside of me, bottled it in a jar and has been taunting me ever since.
You know I’m the only one that believes in you. I made you what you are. I can ruin you. I can ruin her.
All of this is lies. You’re lying. You’re lying to her, to my daughter, to everyone. You’re the one that should be put away.
You killed your friend. Tommy is gone because of you.
Stupid bitch.
Baby… my baby.
The agonizing texts come sporadically but they echo inside of my head all the time. I hate him. God, I hate him. I want to claw my fingers into his eye sockets until there’s nothing left. I want to tear him apart with my bare hands. I hate him so much and I hate that I hate him. I hate that I have this much darkness inside of me. I hate that he knows there is so much darkness inside of me.
A sudden bump pulls me from my thoughts and I’m in the back of the car with Juno and Lotus, Frank driving us away from the propaganda that exploded on the courthouse steps that Juno unleashed. I’m still holding her hand but we’re silent. There’s vibration from the pocket of my dress. I pull the device out and see the words on my screen. I know it’s him.
Shut your bitch up or I will. For good.
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Pins and Needles dropped promptly at 12:01am on Friday, May 30, 2025.
I could barely believe it. It felt strange to have the anthem blasting through the speakers in Juno’s car. It was the first song we began working on once her and Aya tracked me down in AZ. And now here we were, cruising down the highway at midnight, singing with the top down. Screaming FUCK YOU to Dax and all that he had did to us, to Lotus, to everyone.
The crazy thing is he almost stole this moment from me. I would have let him take it, too. But Juno wouldn’t allow it.
The memory of that night tries to coil around my thoughts, but I refuse to give it access. I focus on the lyrics. WHO ARE YOU? Seriously, who IS Dax Holloway! Fuck that bastard. Fuck. Him. Fuck him for hurting me for the last four years and mind-fucking me. Fuck him for hurting Juno. FUCK HIM. Fuck him for trying to hurt me again just weeks ago. FUCK HIM.
I scream the lyrics to the top of my lungs, holding Juno’s hand, and I’m crying.
We drive around town for nearly three hours; the song stays on replay as we sing until we’re hoarse and out of tears. And then we’re in their driveway. Lotus would definitely be asleep, but not us. Not yet.
It feels strange now that the song is gone, the car is off. And it’s just us sitting in the driveway, staring at each other through the shadows of the night. “I love you,” I say softly, reaching for her—always needing her in my grasp. My lips are on hers and I can feel light pouring into my soul. That’s her. That’s my Juno. She scares away all the shadows in me. She scares away all the scars Dax left on me. I wanted to keep kissing her but she pulled away.
“Let’s go to bed,” she whispered with a nudge of her nose against mine and we’re already getting out of the car to tangle ourselves back in each other’s embrace, hungry for each other’s kisses.
It took longer to get up to her room than it should have. There was the groping session on the front porch, the intense kissing on the staircase, and several stumbling dances through the hallway before we’re in her room finally. Just as we approach the bed, she suddenly stops. “Wait! I didn’t lock the front door.”
I try to pout in protest but she’s already out of the room. I sigh and flop down on the bed, taking my phone out of my pocket for the first time that night.
I scroll through the notifications in case there’s anything important enough to occupy my time in the moments it will take her to return, but then I’m not smiling. I’m staring. Staring down at the screen as the name stares back at me in mockery.
Dax H.
I can feel bile rising in my throat and I run to the bathroom with my phone in my hand. I lock the door and run to the toilet, but vomit doesn’t project from my mouth. There’s some dry heaving but it stays at bay. Now, I’m sitting on the closed toilet seat, trying to keep calm. I can feel the panic setting in. The need to flee. To run. But I can’t. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to run from Juno.
Clairebear, love the song. It’s complete bullshit, but it’s a cute song. Some girls will enjoy it. But you will always have me and I'll always have you.
I read the message again, shuddering. There’s a knock at the door. It’s Juno.
“Just a sec,” I say, trying to remain calm. I force myself up and wipe the tears from my face before opening the door with a shaky hand. “Hi.”
“Are you okay?” Juno looks so worried and it breaks my heart.
“Yeah… I’m okay.” I realize I’m holding my phone. “I just… it’s been an intense night. The song… you know.”
And then she’s kissing me again—this kiss was slow and calming. She pulled me to the bed and now we’re lying in each other’s embrace and having silent conversations with our eyes. There’s no chance of running. She’s all I need.
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