claireaequor

[claireaequor]

[claireaequor]

I’m an excel girl

[claireaequor]

[claireaequor]

skincare wip

to me skincare feels like girlhood and that makes me have complicated feelings about it. Me and girlhood are like colleagues who greet each other every day but don't remember their names and it's too late to ask again.

[claireaequor]

I wish I could tell you what I really think.

[claireaequor]

171224 — anxious sleep.

At first, I didn't like falling asleep with my boyfriend. Having his arms wrapped around me felt uncomfortable. The warmth of his skin felt like I was in an oven. Hearing his breath would distract me from a very important task that typically requires a ton of my effort, which is calming my mind enough to fall asleep.

My brain loves thinking, and when it stops thinking, it starts overly focusing on sensory stimuli, just to have something to keep itself entertained. So it's either of the two scenarios:

1. I overthink so much I actually start feeling anxious instead of sleepy or 2. I start feeling my skin itch or get too hot, or too cold, or too uncomfortable to the point I get annoyed and really wish I could do anything else other than lay in bed right now.

In summary, I think that falling asleep may just be a bit too boring for my monkey brain to be able to really commit to the task even for 5 minutes without getting distracted.

At first, having someone else placed under the duvet next to me was making the mental race even worse. In those moments I thought I must be the worst girlfriend on planet Earth. Actually, in my mind, this was proving that I'm not cut out to be a girlfriend at all. A part of being in a relationship is sleeping together. It's supposed to be giving you comfort. It's supposed to feel warm. Romantic, even. And yet, here I am, just simply wishing I could fall asleep alone because maybe then it would take something like the usual half an hour, and not two hours and counting. Am I doomed? Am I destined to be a loner? Is it what my genes were meant to shape me into? Someone who isn't able to enjoy sleeping together. Worse, someone who hates it even. Maybe it proves that I can't truly love?

It took a lot of time, but all those anxious thoughts were eventually proven to be wrong. It appeared that, like a wild animal getting used to a new home, all I needed was patience and time.

In the first few months of our relationship, it was rare we shared the same bed to sleep together. My boyfriend never complained about it. He was very gentle with me in this regard, welcoming me when I happened to be in the mood to share one pillow, and never complaining when I'd decide to sleep alone.

Six months later, something in me switched. I think it was in the middle of July, we just started playing Detroit: Become Human together, all sweaty in the overheated room upstairs, always stuffy even with the window wide opened, a huge fan working on full speed and to no avail, we said "I love you" for the first time. It was a bit awkward, we felt shy with big words like that, but ever since, ever since, I fell in love with falling asleep together.

I think that my mind, and body, found so much comfort in his person at this point, that all the sensory stimuli that used to give me anxiety, now gives me comfort, because it is associated with him - and he became my comfort person, in time. It just took quite a lot of time. But if not the patience and genuine respect to my boundries that my boyfriend gave me, I don't think I would be able to reach that point, probably ever.

So, if you are anything like me and the thought of falling asleep with someone else fills you with discomfort — know that you are allowed to enjoy a night of sleep exactly how you want to and nobody has the right to judge you for that or tell you that it's wrong. I also want you to know that things may change and for some people it may be necessary to establish a trusting and safe relationship first, before they can feel comfortable enough to sleep through the whole night together with someone else. And that's alright! Take your time.

Sleep tight, and don't let the bugs bite! xx

꒰ ᐢ . . ᐢ ꒱ Claire Aequor BLUESKY // SUBSTACK

[claireaequor]

/sarcastic