clairehalston-blog

[clairehalston-blog]

@clairehalston is listening to “Shallow” from a Star is Born Soundtrack.

[clairehalston-blog]

Small Bump || Self-Para

TW: ABORTION TW: INCEST TW: RAPE TW: SUICIDE TW: ABUSE

September 2006.

Two lines on a stick. A stick that 15 year old Claire Halston had just peed on. She didn't want to believe it, but she had had a feeling for the past few weeks after her period was late. Not once in four years had she been late. She knew it down to the hour that she would start to see red spots on her panties.

She was surprised that it had taken so long for this incident to happen. Many nights this situation had ran through the young girls mind, along with suicide. Claire vowed to herself that if she ever got pregnant, she would kill herself because her baby wouldn't get to live. How could a man violate his own daughter? Wasn't a father supposed to love and cherish their daughter? He did, but not in the way it was meant. Claire couldn't count how many times she had tried to tell her mother what was going on after the sun set. Her mother would be too far into a bottle to even realize someone was trying to speak to her. The brunette was convinced that nobody would ever hear pleads to be saved.

"Positive." She whispered to her reflection. A 15 year old Sophomore. Pregnant with her fathers baby. That was one for MTV, huh? It was strange that she felt like a completely different person now. Does that happen to everyone? She thought to herself. It was like she could feel a small pecan inside of her stomach, just floating around. The first few thoughts that ran through her mind was, who was she going to tell and who would take her to get an abortion. She was underage, and from what she understood, she couldn't go alone. She wasn't even sure she really wanted to go through with the termination.

Claire wasn't sure how far along she truly was. She wasn't sure that she wanted to know. It would just be a reminder of all the terrible things she strove to forget. The sudden slam of the door made the girl jump. Her eyes shifted to the clock. 8:30, her mother was home from the bar, which meant her father would be annoyed shortly and come to relieve his stress on Claire. Much to her defense, she had school an excuse and could leave. She knew if she took the front door like a normal human, he would call her in with some excuse like she was sick for the fifth time this month or her mother was in an accident. He always used whatever excuse he could fine and the school never questioned it. Fucking education system.

Not long after she knew her mother was home, she heard cursing and yelling in the distance. That was her que to leave. She grabbed her book bag, slung it over her shoulders and crawled out her window. It didn't occur to her that she was carrying another human now and she couldn't just be so reckless. Until she got it taken care of anyways. Claire ran until she knew it was safe to walk. Her mind clouded with the responsibility she now had. She wanted to terminate as soon as possible before the wrong person found out and it got all over Athens. The town was notorious for gossip. All there was to do was drink beer, fuck and gossip. Claire ran a list through her head of whom she could tell about the pregnancy. There were very few adults in her life that she trusted and strange enough, they were all at the school. Most 15 year olds hated getting up and being confined to learning for 8 hours, but Claire loved it. It was 8 hours of pure bliss for her.

The school was in view before she knew it. The 10 minute bell had just filled the air and the sound of students rushing to get to class followed very close afterwards. Claire knew she should go to class, but she knew focusing would be next to impossible today. Instead of taking her normal route through the quad to get to homeroom, she took a detour to the counselors office. Mrs. Moore had always been one to ask someone how they were doing if she walked by them in the hall. During class change, she would stand at her door and greet everyone as they rushed by. She always had time for everyone and that's what made Claire so willing to meet with her. She knew her secret would be safe with the elderly woman. "Good morning, Claire." The woman said as she approached her. She smelt of apple pie and cinnamon seasoning. "Good morning." The girl replied in a soft monotone. "Can I talk to you?" Mrs. Moore looked surprised at the request, but her eyes were nothing short of kind. Not but a few beats later, she nodded and stepped aside. "Come on in." Claire nodded as she stepped onto the white tile. Her stomach was in knots and she felt as if she was going to puke. She couldn't tell if it was nervousness or morning sickness.

The brunette sat on the blue couch and waited for the teacher to get settled. Claire didn't want to hide her secret any longer, she needed to say it. The words clouded her throat. "I'm pregnant." It just came out like word vomit. Mrs. Moore had that same expression on her face as she had a few minutes ago. "I'm so scared." She added with a croak. Her eyes felt like wells and she just couldn't hold it in anymore. "Please help me." She said finally. The white haired lady nodded and stood up to pull a chair in front of the weeping teen. "You have plenty of options, Claire." She said in her soft, grandmother like tone. "You can put it up for adopti-" "I want an abortion." Claire said, feeling slightly bad for interrupting her. Mrs. Moore nodded and placed her hand on the young girls jean covered knee. "Are you sure?" Claire nodded quickly. "I have weighed all my options. Just.. Please." She felt as if she had pleaded enough and needn't say anymore. The teacher nodded and stood up. She picked up her phone and made a call, but her voice was so small, Claire couldn't make out any words. A few minutes later, Mrs. Moore was putting on her jacket and holding out her hand for Claire. No questions were asked.

The car ride was silent. Claire knew now that her nausea was from being so nervous. She felt like she was failing at her first motherly duty. But, she couldn't bring a child into this world that would not only be her child, but her sibling too. She had read too many horror stories of children who are products of incest are born with serious birth defects too. Most likely ones in which Claire couldn't handle as a teen mother. She felt like the drive was hours and hours long. Part of her didn't mind, it allowed her a few more minutes with her angel baby.

The duo finally pulled up to a brown brick building with the words "Planned Parenthood" Claire had only heard about this place on the news; and Mean Girls. As Claire unbuckled her seat belt and stepped out of the car, she felt like her legs were going to fall out from underneath her. She did a few breathing exercises that she had researched online, which oddly seemed to help her muster up the courage to go into the building.

The smell that filled the small waiting room was musty. It was apparent that 95% of the people in the room did some form of tobacco. She knew she was so out of place here. Claire followed Mrs. Moore to the counter and followed all the instructions that were given to her. She faked the number of her parents because she didn't want them knowing about this. Mrs. Moore was ever so grateful to let her use her home telephone number. She was very surprised at how trusting the receptionist was of the two. She let them know that they would be called back soon and they both nodded and found a pair of chairs to sit in.

As Claire looked around, there were pregnant girls around her age, some younger, some older. Some already with toddlers and their bellies sticking out as if they were due any second. This made Claire confirm that she wasn't ready for parenthood at all. Maybe someday in the future. With someone she loved. People came and went from the waiting room, Claire's eyes stayed fixed on the clock. One hour went by, then another thirty minutes before she was pulled out of her daze by hearing her name. "Claire." She heard finally. "It's time." The same familiar, warm voice said. Claire nodded and stood up to follow the nurse back into a room.

The room was lot by fluorescent bulbs which made Claire feel as if she was in an Eli Roth movie. The nurse, who's name she couldn't remember, instructed her to take her clothes off and put on the gown. She did so and the nurse walked her through the procedure and what steps to take to care for herself afterwards. Claire nodded, a signal to let her know that she understood and the nurse left after the standard, "the doctor will be in shortly." The brunette placed her head on the pillow and her feet in the stirrups. Why did she have to be in this position? What felt like a mere few seconds later, the doctor walked in.

"Hello, Claire." He said as he checked over her chart. She prayed he wouldn't try to make small talk. She just wanted this to be over with. He walked her through the procedure again and made sure she understood. She couldn't muster up any words. Just nods and "mhms". The doctor picked up a utensil that Claire couldn't remember the name of even though he had told her and she had researched it. "This will hurt and it will be cold. Just breathe." Claire nodded as he inserted the tool into her. She let out a small peep before tears escaped her hazel eyes. For a quick second, she regretted this decision. She was mad at herself for not standing up for herself to her father, she was mad at her father for putting her in this position. She was angry at God for not looking out for her.

"God isn't real." The brunette whispered to herself so quietly she wasn't even sure she had said it. The realization hit her like a ton of bricks. He never was real. All those nights she had prayed for things to change, nobody was listening but the mice in the wall. Even then, they were probably scurrying around just to find some crumbs.

[clairehalston-blog]

“I’m gonna need you to go find some air freshener, because the last thing I want to do is feel nauseous my whole shift.” Her eyes glanced up at him with a slight squint. “I’ll also take Chipotle for lunch as a payment for inconvenience.”

“I’m going to be honest with you – solely because I’ve believed we’ve connected on a spiritual level and I think there can be no hate between us – but I just took a massive dump in that bathroom. I won’t go in there until like maybe five hours.” 

[clairehalston-blog]

Claire glared ahead of her. “Listen, I promised my three year old he could see a real policeman file a real police report for his birthday.” She gritted through her teeth. “Please do me a solid? I’ll owe you one.”

“No, I will not file a police report on your neighbor’s lost hamster. If you have any questions, please speak to Maggie up front.”

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↳ INSTAGRAM 📷 : @clairehalston uploaded a new photo

I can’t believe this little baby boy is now THREE. Where did the time go? Happy birthday, Lawson Beckett. You are my sun, moon and stars. Mommy loves you more than anything.

[clairehalston-blog]

“Thanks. You ever hear of people being allergic to them? Cause I swell up and itch to death when they bite me. That’s how that happened,” he said, pointing to the aforementioned bug bite. “Felt like I couldn’t scratch hard enough.”

“Of course. Have you ever had an allergy test done? Essentially, they poke you with a bunch of different things and if you have a reaction, you’re allergic. It’s kind of hellish, not gonna lie. But, extremely helpful in the long run.”

[clairehalston-blog]

“Jesus, don’t you hate that? I think in the daycare’s first year alone, I spent over a thousand dollars on getting the carpets cleaned. Now I’ve got vinyl tile, and a lot of rugs. What color carpet is it, because conceivably you could just spot clean it, rather than having to do the whole thing over.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I adore my child. But, it just had to be a bright colored liquid. It’s like a gray carpet, not the first time I’ve had to clean a kid related disaster, but believe it or not, poop is way easier to get up!”

[clairehalston-blog]

Standing in front of a covered canvas, Étienne wore nearly as much paint on his body as he’d put down on the piece he was working on. His bare chest speckled with bits of blue and green and white and his jeans forever stained with a hundred different mediums. He’d been working on a piece for Claire to celebrate Lawson’s third birthday. Just a little something he hoped she would like. It wasn’t the first painting he’d given her and it wouldn’t be the last. To think that Lawson was almost three tore his heart apart. He could still remember the feeling of finding out Claire was pregnant, and the moment he met his son for the first time. It all felt surreal that it was already three years. His phone rang, cutting off the music he’d been listening to and he hastily wiped his hands on his pants. Seeing Claire’s name pop up or rather Mama Loutre as he’d dubbed her long ago, he smiled. “Hey,” he answered in a happy tone. “How are my favourite people?”

“Hi daddy!” Lawson immediately said before Claire could even let out a breath. “We are great! I think someone missed you.” She followed before he could say anymore words. “we both do.” She added. “We have a birthday party to plan and I cannot do this alone. Remember his first birthday?” She laughed recalling the memory of too many balloons and a child who could’ve been less interested. “It’s been what a whole week since we’ve seen you? I know we’ve both been busy but we do miss you.”

Where Were We Again? || Claire & Etienne

[clairehalston-blog]

“My son decided that today was a really good day to spill cranberry juice all over my carpet. Two days after I shampooed it.”

[clairehalston-blog]

“You should’ve went into the whole,’drugs are bad, do good in school and you’ll get into a good college.’ You have to scare them a little, Ki.”

“I had a kid ask me about their chances for college today, they’re in Seventh grade I hated crushing their hopes & dreams when I told them their best chance on that topic is to their talk to their guidance counselor in High School. How crazy is that? Admirable- but wild!”

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Where Were We Again? || Claire & Etienne

Nearly three years had gone by since their son was born. So much had happened in such that short amount of time. Claire was almost sure she’d never be with her baby’s father again. But, the older Lawson got, the more time the three spent together.. the more she wondered what they could potentially make of things. Lawson loved his daddy and seeing them together lit a spark up in Claire. It always had since the first time he held his son after he was born. Now, here they were. Ready to celebrate their baby turning three and Claire’s heart was more conflicted than ever.

Lawson was quietly playing with some trucks and snacking on cheerios while Claire folded up that weeks laundry. Her birthday party planning was way behind, and her son’s birthday was a mere days away. He’s only three, she thought. He won’t care if his party is on his actual birthday, right? Claire sighed as she folded the last of the tiny underwear her son wore and picked up her phone to dial Etienne’s number. “You wanna talk to daddy, Laws?” She asked as he got up to climb on her lap.

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“I can assure you..” Claire started as she took off her gloves. “Admission will not be necessary. Honestly, besides this one small infected one on your arm. Your perfectly fine.” She said as she pulled a box from the drawer. “Don’t worry, you aren’t the first to come for bug bites and won’t be the last. Use this twice a day. You’ll be better in no time.” She handed him the box with a nod.

“How many mosquito bites do I have to have before I need to check myself into a hospital?” Charlie was scratching at a bite on his arm, one of many he’d earned while out and about in the yard the night before. “Worst fuckin’ thing about summer is the damn bugs.”

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Sophia Bush photographed by Hudson Taylor.