clarryphile

[clarryphile]

I have no recollection of when I started to fear the sound of thunder. If my memory serves me right, I have always loved how the rumbling echoed and acted as a forewarning of the heavy rain to come. Hearing it in the past meant we had the chance to slow dance to our song in the pouring rain.

Hearing it now breaks my heart because it awakens my memory of the day you left. The still gray skies perfectly matched the color of your favorite shirt. The faint breeze mirrored the coldness of your touch. The roaring sound of thunder that used to comfort me failed to hide the shakiness of my voice pleading you to stay. I wasn’t afraid of thunder; I was scared of being reminded that I wasn’t enough for you.

[clarryphile]

I hate not getting what I want, and it’s even more intolerable when I’m refused the chance to fight for it. I have always prided myself on working hard for everything that I have. Being faced with a situation that doesn’t allow me to work for it angers me to the depths of my core. I despise the feeling I get after losing. It even felt more gut-wrenching when I didn’t get to play my cards and gamble with everything I’ve got. I don’t want to be done because I know that I haven’t reached my limit yet. Now, I can’t do anything about it. Not because I can’t but because it took me an embarrassing amount of time to finally lay the foundations of the harsh truth of the matter— that I’m being forced to concede defeat over something that I was willing to stake my heart and soul for.

[clarryphile]

"Are you happy?"

I don't want to be left alone with my thoughts because they know they've already corrupted my mind. Why don't these eerie voices leave me alone? Why do they always invade my thoughts like a coup d'état? Can't they see that they're asphyxiating me? They know how to make me vulnerable. I don't know where I should go to ask for help. To you? Why would I?

"You're just sad, it will go away just think of happy thoughts."

Do you think that I haven't tried that? How could they go away if they are living inside my mind? They're the most petrifying parasitic fiends to ever exist. Don't you get it? It's a disease— a plague that is slowly conquering my thoughts and leaving me to rot.

[clarryphile]

So, this is what it feels like to face someone you dearly love but fail to recognize. Witnessing their descent from the pedestal I have built for them breaks my heart and soul. 

[clarryphile]

I have always romanticized the idea of romance and refused to accept that people could fall out of love. Lately, I have finally come to terms with feelings coming and going. That people are ceaselessly evolving emotionally and will immediately leave if the circumstances do not quench their thirst for growth and contentment. This kind of uncertainty frightens me to the core. Despite this fear, I am still hopeful because the liberty to choose is constant.

Today, I choose to be by his side. I choose to witness him in all his failures and glory. I chose to give him every ounce of support and understanding I could offer. After all, love is not a feeling— it’s a pursuit of choice.

[clarryphile]

I am constantly being haunted by a person. Not a dead one. Not even a stalker. But a memory of a living person I used to adore. No matter how many times I mentally held a funeral for him, I still found myself desperately digging into the very earth that covered his casket. I do not care if the dirt, rocks, mud, and maggots would get under my nails, I would cling to him until the memories of us would bring him back to me. Until that day comes, I will continue to mourn for a life I never had but felt I had lost.

[clarryphile]

A thousand apologies couldn't make up for the time that I've wasted

[clarryphile]

The disrespect was deafening, but the apology didn’t even make a sound.

[clarryphile]

If I could have done it all again, I would have loved you better. But I could not have loved you more.

- Sue Zhao // "I loved you in all the ways that I could"

[clarryphile]

not to get all sad for no reason but something nobody tells you about growing up is that a part of you is just a little girl who is yelling ‘please like me please love me please tell me i am good’ at everyone you meet and most of your day is just trying to ignore her

[clarryphile]

A sudden surge of grief takes over me whenever I think there can be infinite universes out there that we aren't together, but I find solace that this one belongs to us. In this universe, we get the privilege to overcome our misunderstandings, share our struggles, bask in the warmth of our love, and immerse ourselves in each others' devotion—this is the universe of us.

[clarryphile]

Sometimes you stress yourself out to the point of tears and then u have to coax urself off the ledge by reminding urself that nothing is ever that fucking serious . It works out how it works out the point is we put in the effort

[clarryphile]

I’d like to think that we, as humans, would never accept that death is a black-deprived abyss—an absolute end. In association with this certain fear, I’d like to infer that, we constructed heaven, purgatory, and hell because we cannot accept an uncertain end. We crave assurance. Assurance to pass a class, assurance that our love to be reciprocated, and assurance that everything will go according to how we visualized it in our minds.

I’d like to think that we create our perception of a certain person. We do not know them at all. Even though you’ve been friends for years or if you live in the same house, a person will always have as many versions of themself as the celestial bodies in the night sky and you get to choose what version of them you would scrutinize.

I’d like to think that to grow, we must denude ourselves and venture out of our comfort zone. We are risking everything we have for us to lose or to gain—doing all of this just for the reason of improving ourselves.

These kinds of thoughts illustrate how powerful a person’s mind can be. I chose to think these thoughts. No one forced me to think like this but me. I create the monsters in my head. I imagine the illustrations that I want to paint or draw. All of these thoughts are mine. I made all of them with my bare mind. If this is how powerful my mind can be, then I can transform my life if I yearn for such change. Whenever I want to; I can and I will be able to if I put my mind to it.

It dawned on me that my entire life exists in my mind and that I am responsible for who I am right now or who I will be in the future. Everything I believe that I am exists in my mind. I can choose to be someone who brings out the dust devil in everyone for I am convinced that everyone’s casualty is a birth to a new and better version of themself. I can choose to be someone who would make you consider the existence of every version of yourself—good or bad, you may not end up loving all the versions of yourself but at least acknowledge their existence because this is what makes you, you.

My family identifies me as a very reticent girl who is bad at making financial decisions, as I keep justifying my purchases as “a little treat” or “just healing my inner child”

My close friends identify me as one of those people who has a lot of quick-witted erratic ideas and loves to yap.

I’ve existed for twenty-something years now and yet I don’t know who I am. I’ve always struggled to establish my sense of identity—to know who really is Clarry, but yet again who does?

Not my family, not my friends, and not even God.

I am the only one capable of identifying myself. As of now, I want myself to be the person I want to meet. Who I am right now is the manifestation of everyone that I met and will meet, and the things that I love and am passionate about that could hopefully inspire other people’s lives.

[clarryphile]

Nexus Event

I never realized that coffin nails could taste this sweet. It has been two years since I last saw him. I have been waking up feeling numb but when I saw him again, all of my emotions came flooding in. It was the dead of night but his eyes gleamed like galaxies under the starless sky. His brown doe-like eyes were so vast but they reflected so much passion. It was like staring into a cavernous well that I could not help but get reeled in deeper and deeper the more I stared into it. Looking into his eyes was the kind of catastrophic event that wasn’t supposed to happen— a nexus event. He is and will always be my nexus event.

[clarryphile]

bakit ka umalis? bakit mo ako iniwan?

[clarryphile]

Hindi ba’t nag-usap tayo? Bumuo tayo ng mga pangarap para sa isa’t-isa at nangarap nang magkasama, pero iniwan mo ako sa gitna ng karagatan na walang balsa, sa alapaap na walang kakapitan, at sa kanayunan na walang mapa’t aguhon. Sa mundong puno ng ‘di katiyakan, sa’yo lang ako naging sigurado; buo ang loob ko sa’yo pero binigo mo ako.

[clarryphile]

How pathetic of me to think that it would be different this time, turns out it’s the same old shit and I don’t have any choice but to brush it off as if it didn’t leave wounds and bruises on my knees, palms, and chin.