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cleanedupkenny · 6 years ago

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A List of Reasons Why I’m Sorry to Kota Ibushi (begun April 2015, ended January 2018)

Dear Diary,

Drama-Free 2019 can only press forward if I purge myself of all the drama, right?

So, after Invasion Attack 2015, when I did... that thing, I called Michael in kind of a... state. He suggested that I start this list and not show anyone (”anyone” meaning “just Bullet Club,” basically). I think mostly he was just sick of listening to me cry for three hours straight. But it helped. I think.

I’m hopped up on video games and energy drinks and not sleeping next to my Ibutan on the anniversary of our glorious reunion and I might regret this but you know what, I DON’T HAVE TO BE AFRAID OF THE BULLET CLUB ANYMORE AND I FEEL FREE, DAMN IT.

It’s a little hard to read from all the tear stains it’s gathered over the years, but Diary, here’s what I can make out:

Fuck fuck fuck I can’t believe I did that

Why did I do that I don’t even like AJ Styles like as a human being

I don’t even like bullets OR clubs what am I even doing [2019 note: there’s a little more here, completely smudged by tears]

Was any of that an actual apology... ooooops. Kota... I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I ruined that for you. I’m sorry you’re not champion right now. I’m sorry I hurt you. I’m just so, so, so fucking sorry. I am going to regret that for the rest of my life, which is going to be miserable, and empty, and [2019 note: more tear stains]

Wait. What the fuck was I talking about? I’M NOT SORRY, I DON’T REGRET IT, AND I AM DEFINITELY NOT MISERABLE. I’m the reigning, defending IWGP junior heavyweight champion AND I’M A WAY BETTER ONE THAN YOU EVER WERE OR COULD HOPE TO BE! SO. THERE.

Oh, reading that back just now was... ehhhhh.

WHATEVER, it’s still true, and I will prove it against Kushida at Dominion! He’s just this Back to the Future fanboy, haha, can you imagine anything so dorky?

Now I’m trying to imagine explaining what Back to the Future is to you because you don’t watch movies and what your face would look like and now I’m sad again. Why are you like this? Why????

...aaaaaand I lost to Kushida.

I’m hiding in Matt and Nick’s hotel room to avoid having to tell the rest of Bullet Club that I just don’t like strip clubs and they’re not gonna make me feel better, okay, and why would that make me gay? I’m not even gay! I’m bisexual! Those are two different things!!!

I was tired and wound up just blurting to Tama “I’M NOT GAY” and then... didn’t follow that with anything. So now I’m a fucking coward, and he didn’t even look convinced anyway. I hate everything. Everything except the memory of when you’d let me lay my head in your lap and cry or sleep or just breathe or whatever while you’d twirl my hair around your fingers oh god fucking damn it [2019 note: you guessed it, more tear stains]

I beat Kushida! I’m definitely better than you again! And I’m about to celebrate by having sex with a woman that Tama picked up for me because he’s a great and thoughtful and caring friend!!!!

Um. She seemed nice. And didn’t even stay the night, just blew me a kiss and walked out. I feel weird. I’m gonna have to be way more enthusiastic about her to Tama. Shit.

Why can’t I just have casual sex like normal people do? Why??? On New Year’s this year I found the one other sober guy in all of Japan and was like, okay, this is fun, sex can just be fun, but it just felt like when you’re at the doctor’s testing your reflexes. That was like last night, too. But I couldn’t explain that to Tama, either, and he clearly didn’t buy my fake enthusiasm, so he definitely still just thinks I’m gay and that it needs to be corrected. I hate this. Is this title even fucking worth it? Remember the few times you’d top because you knew when I just needed all my feelings fucked out and afterwards you’d hold me while I cried? And it felt better than anything else in the world? How could I have ever let myself lose that? I’m gonna bring this back to its original purpose. I’m sorry I never realized how great I had it.

It... wasn’t all that great, now that I think about it.

When were you gonna tell me you were moving up to heavyweight?

I wouldn’t have stopped you. Did you think I was going to stop you? How could I? How could anyone stop YOU from doing literally anything at all, honestly?

I just... deserved a conversation. I was your partner. In more ways than one. You couldn’t give me that?

What did you want from me? Did you just like, want me to be your sidekick forever?

Did you... want me at all?

Or... was I just your tag team partner that you fucked sometimes?

[2019 note: wow, this was just a tissue, here]

Well, I lost to Kushida again. If you cared, I bet you’d be happy. Where the fuck did you go, anyway? Not that I care. Because from here on out, it’s my time. Shit’s about to happen. I have a fucking PLAN.

What’s the one thing better than kicking that bastard out of Bullet Club and taking his place as its leader? Making my first order of business declaring that the Young Bucks and I are better than all of them, mwahahahaha. You should’ve seen Tama’s face. You could have. Seriously, where are you?

WHATEVER, I DON’T CARE, I AM WINNING CHAMPIONSHIPS AND BEATING YOUR GOD TANAHASHI AND THEN SINGING KATY PERRY TO CELEBRATE. FUCK YEAH.

...”research institute”??? Oh whatever I DON’T. CARE.

MY FIRST G1 AND I’M GONNA WIN, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE. WINNING WINNING WINNING.

Hold the fuck up. WWE? You’re going to fucking WWE????!!!! What the fuck??????????? Is... is something actually wrong with you? Did you come back wrong? Who are you?

IT DOESN’T MATTER I’M DOING THE G1 LA LA LAAAAA

I WON THE G1 FIRST GAIJIN EVER and if I did it with your moves it’s to prove I’m better at them than you are and if I mentioned you in the press it was just to rub your face in it HA HA HA HAAAAAA!!!!!

And no one will ever tell me how to celebrate again, damn it. If I wanna eat ice cream with Matt and Nick damn it I’m gonna and the rest of them can just fuck off to their booze and their strippers and god knows what else! I maybe said that aloud to them. Because I fucking can!!!

Matt asked me if I was okay and said uh, yeah, I’m going to fucking Wrestle Kingdom to become the heavyweight champion, which YOU have have never done, why wouldn’t I be? And he was like, that’s just it, though, you keep talking about him. So I kind of stopped talking.

Remember how we used to celebrate? Not that I am. Not that it meant anything to you.

I’m gonna be generous and assume that you lost to TJ Perkins because you were so overwhelmingly impressed by my win. What has happened to you???

OMG I heard you’re not signing with WWE which... um... fine. That’s fine. Good career choice, that’s all.

You’re all over the place now. Except my place. Which is fine! I have Okada! Must focus!!

Uhhh. Turns out Okada is champion for a reason. Um. I need to rethink... everything. Yeah, I used one of your moves again. Whatever.

The fucking Bullet Club, I swear. “Kenny, come out with us, you’ll love these girls!” (NO.) “Kenny, why don’t you let anyone but Matt and Nick second you, what, are you playing favorites?” (Uh, duh!) “Kenny, did you really murder Adam Cole?” (...no comment.) “Kenny, what exactly is Cody Rhodes doing here?” (Being interesting, okay? He has potential. He seems like someone I’d actually get along with, too, unlike you pieces of shit.) I’m gonna hide with Matt and Nick some more. And Marty, he’s cool, even if he still checks out my junk when he thinks I’m not looking. And Cody, I guess.

I see you went viral for shooting fireworks onto yourself and then moonsaulting off a car. Pffftt. It’s like no one knows you. It’s WAY the fuck weirder that you went to WWE.

I hung out with Cody alone and wound up kissing him. I realized what a bad idea this was before it got any further (I legitimately forgot he was married for a second, where the fuck is my head at?), but going by the look on his face, there was... damage... done. So I ran. Like you ran, I imagine, once you realized how much I... loved you. I loved you.

I love you. Part of me always will. I want to be the part that doesn’t. I don’t think it’s working.

Cody almost ruined my rematch with Okada, like I ruined your match with AJ, so, yeah, I fucked up there. I’m still pissed, though. How were you not this pissed? I’m totally going to make him pay for this, how did you not do that to me? Did I want you to? Was that why I did it?

Well, I’m not sorry. Just like I’m not sorry for texting Brandi right now.

I ran in on Cody’s match with Okada and I keep thinking about that instead of the actual title I just won. I’m going to meet Brandi and I don’t know who I am anymore. This is starting to feel like a confessional. Well, it’s sure as fuck not, or ever going to be an apology, ever again.

Well, that was dumb. Brandi is terrifying. I couldn’t even get it up. Then she demanded to know what I did with Cody. She threatened to waterboard me. Do they still do that in America? Why am I asking you?

I’m so glad you’re never going to actually read this. [2019 note: DRAMA-FREE 2019, we believe in transparency this year, damn it!]

.........................................................................................

You’re back.

You’re not in my block.

I need you to make it to the finals.

I need to make it to the finals.

I need this. I need you to know how I felt. How I feel.

That’s all.

Wait... what happened? You... you’re out of the running.

You really never cared about me. That’s it. That proves it. Not me talking about you in the press endlessly and you not dignifying it with a response. You were never much of a talker. But... you couldn’t even wrestle the way I know you can, the way that should get you to WIN the fucking G1.

I get the message. Fine. Fuck you, too. I’m gonna keep doing what I’m good at - better at than you, that’s for sure: winning.

I pinned him. I pinned Okada. You couldn’t have ignored that. I made sure you didn’t. You like my gear, Ibutan? I’m gonna keep proving how much better I am than you when I wear to pin Naito tomorrow, too.

...........What.

What the fuck were you doing there?

What do you want from me?

Don’t you want to just fight me? I’m sure you think you can still beat me. I wanted to prove you wrong. Come on, goddamn it, make me prove you wrong.

Why did your hands have to feel like... your hands? They felt like... like... part of me. A part of me I lost somewhere.

Why does your voice have to be so soft? Why did you have to be so gentle? So tender? So... caring? You don’t give a shit about me, remember?

You don’t. You don’t care. You never cared.

Please don’t make me think you cared.

I actually got on the phone with Michael to pass along that last message. I don’t care how childish it was, I needed you to hear that one thing. His response was to ask me if I really believed that.

I can’t. I can’t not believe it.

I have a bad feeling about this thing with Cody, like it’s gonna get ugly. I told him to stay away from you, just in case. If nothing else, I’m still the leader of Bullet Club. They all recognize that! They’ll keep him in check against you, at least.

I just... don’t want him to mess with you. You don’t need to get mixed up in this. It’ll get ugly. Like I said. That’s all it is.

Oh, great, of course the second I have my back turned, he messes with you! What was I thinking, honestly? Motherfucker...

I want to tell you... be careful. He’s gonna bring Brandi, and they’re gonna cheat. Maybe I’ll tell Michael to tell you. You don’t know them. It’s only fair.

Or... he’s gonna... flirt with you? What the...?

I want to fucking slap him every time he touches you.

Please kick the shit out of him.

You Phoenix splashed the life out of him! I wish that was literal!!!!

When he said I don’t love you like he loves you... I...

How’s your English these days? Maybe you didn’t understand him! Anyway, New Year Dash tonight, and you’re stuck with him again. I’m... I’m sorry. I’m genuinely sorry, once more. I don’t care how bitter I am. He shouldn’t be your problem.

Well. Since I can’t hide behind trying to recruit Jay White or my triumph over Jericho here... people keep asking me why I stopped Cody, and honestly? I don’t even know why they’re asking. I didn’t even have to think. I just ran. So when someone asks, I just stare at them until they stop asking.

I hope you’re okay.

Jesus christ, they’re making you tag against Cody AGAIN? Him trying to maim you last time wasn’t enough?

I see he’s just doubling down on me supposedly not caring about you. He wishes. I don’t wish, though. Not anymore. Those years we were together were real, and they mattered, and I can’t just rip them out of me. I’d be ripping out my spine. My guts. Oh, fuck it. My heart. Anyway, as long as Cody keeps his hands off chairs, I think you can take care of yourself. You’re tough, and as far as what he’s saying goes, I don’t think anyone’s fooled anymore. If they ever were.

After I beat Jay... maybe you’d want a shot at this title. You deserve it. You deserve... something. You always did. I never wanted to stop you. I just wanted to talk. I could’ve talked. I know I could’ve tried. I wish I had. I’m really sorry I didn’t. I’m sorry it took me three years to come around to that. I’m sorry I can’t just tell you this right now. But I will. Eventually. It’s gonna be hard, but I’ll figure out how to do it. I just have to.

I can’t sleep. Not when I can watch you sleep for the first time in years. What a fucking day. What am I gonna do with this notebook, now? I apologized to your face. And you... you apologized too. I wanted to apologize for ever doubting you, but you knew, you knew why I did, and you said you were sorry. Oh, Kota... [2019 note: ah, there are the waterworks again!] I don’t know what’s next. I don’t know what we’re up against. I don’t know if you want to team with me again. I don’t know how much Matt and Nick are really on our side, although I hope they are. Losing them would be almost as bad as losing you, by now. I don’t know if I’ve got the Bullet Club, but I’m not gonna lie, that power doesn’t suck, and I’ll hang on to it as long as I can. What I do know, now, is that if someone forces me to choose, I’ll choose you, over anything. I love you, and you love me. I felt it so many times, when you chased them away, when you hugged me, when I was inside you... I feel it everywhere. I always did, I think. Maybe I’ll keep this notebook as a reminder of how not to be an idiot about it. Or at least as a reminder of how NOT to apologize to you, because a lot of this... eeesh.

I feel so cleansed, Diary. I wish I could hold @goldenxstar right now. At least, unlike four years ago, I’m confident that I will, soon enough.

xoxo,

Kenny

#//lol whoops i got in my feelings too #//kenny why do you do this to me #//timeline is not perfect oh well

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