cleanplateclub

[cleanplateclub]

In 2020 I reached out to friends and family about compiling their favorite recipes into a cookbook instead of having a traditional gathering. My grandmother was kind enough to write me a recipe card for one of our family’s most cherished deserts: The Gadget. For some reason here she called it a Date Nut Bar but we all call it a Gadget on account of my grandfather asking his mother who invented them once upon a time “Hey. What are those gadgets?”

In her hand written note she explains that the cranberry Apple is “also quite good” especially for a thanksgiving meal. It’s May now but I see no reason to wait.

Grandma passed away a year ago. Grandpa fought in WWII in a bomber plane.

Happy Memorial Day. 💐

[cleanplateclub]

I am at a Waffle House at 4:00am because I got off work very late. I was tired and in the process of getting kinda loopy. I thought “ah-ha! I can still get a burger and fries at the Waffle House. No problemo.” But then I got the plate and ate it all… and only then realized no fries.. Yes fries? Huh. HASHBROWNS ARE JUST TEENY TINY FRIES. 🍟

[cleanplateclub]

Tonight on a very special episode of Clean Plate Club…

I got paid to eat a burger at the best restaurant in town. In return, I cleaned the plate.

In fact, I cleaned all the plates.

In fact, I cleaned the club.

[cleanplateclub]

For my birthday I cooked a steak salad…for breakfast! I think the cut was chuck; I honestly don’t remember. Anyway I sliced off about half a pound and cubed it up on a bamboo cutting board to about 1 inch pieces. I wouldn’t normally mention this detail but I learned recently that wood cutting boards retain less water because of their wicking properties and thus bacteria cannot survive as opposed to plastic cutting boards which make a little channel shape when you cut on them which water fills up via capillary action and harbors the germs like a little germ motel. I mean, you should clean both anyway, but the plastic one will break off little microplastic shards which you’ll eat. Gross.

Sorry I got carried away. Back to the beef. 🥩 Yeah. Mmm. So I massaged salt and pepper into the chunks right on the board, and then dropped them in a wok on the highest heat my pathetic electric stove can produce. No oil. The beef has tallow built in. That’s why people who can’t cook love it. You have to shaaaaaakekekekeke the wok about once every 10-15 seconds to sear every side of every chunk. It’s random chance. It’s like a casino or something. You win when the beef is seared allll the way around everybody.

Now for the advanced part. The other 9 seconds of every 10 you’re just standing around right? It’s just enough time to

Get a plate

Put lettuce on a different cutting board

Wash the meaty cutting board

Cut lettuce

Cut red onion

Put lettuce on plate

Put onion on lettuce

Amazing. The searing and cooking of your cow part should be completed by now. Surely. It goes next to the salad greens. Finally,

Drizzle some olive oil on them greens

Drizzle some balsamic vinegar on them oil

That is it. You can eat it now. It’s so easy, dare I say you can eat it for breakfast.

[cleanplateclub]

Nice mug isn’t it? I found it outside in the garage if you can believe that. It must’ve snuck out of my girlfriend’s collection of vintage things. I do coffee every day, and as you might guess there’s a precise ritual to it.

7 grams whole beans per serving

50ml water per serving

the process involves all the kit you would usually suspect. A vintage bean canister, a kettle, a french press…

But the real magic for me is the burr grinder. I hand crank. It’s a pain in the rotary cuffs but it makes a good brew. I’ve had to add a clear acrylic lid so the beans don’t jump out, and replace the nut holding it all together, but it’s still good.

Time to start my day.

[cleanplateclub]

Baking is a deeply satisfying hobby that I have never had a good relationship with. I don’t really understand how baking was ever invented when you have to wait half a day to eat. This was a viral focaccia bread recipe and it went really well. i’m looking forward to making it again. Don’t forget to activate your yeast.

[cleanplateclub]

Are you trying to clean your peanut butter jar? I found the perfect tool. It’s not hot water, silly. PB is just a ton of oil and those don’t mix remember? Nope, just use a tiny spatula.

Hold on let me clean my counter so i can get a better photo…

There! Yeah. This is your new peanut butter jar cleaning solution. I should warn you though that peanut butter can and will stick to the silicone and I already have the answer. See I just wiped it off on some bread slices from my cleaning supplies cabinet. I’ll show you… Hey where’d it go? Oh well! Probably someone was smart enough to throw it out for me. The jar is clean and the spatula is clean and the counter is clean and now I guess I should make lunch because I’m kind of hungry.

[cleanplateclub]

Here we go. You probably thought this was a fajita didn’t you. Wrong. You’re not alone. It was enchiladas. Everybody was so impressed! I mean, when I looked at the menu and saw “sizzling enchiladas�� I knew I was going to get something special. It’s the looks you’re paying for tbh. Like, the skillet cools down and then you’re just eating a regular oval of cheese chicken and beef filled tortillas BUT ARE THE LOOKS YOU GET WORTH THE EXTRA $3? That’s not a question. It’s a way of life. The answer lies in your heart. You know it’s true. Do it. It’s pretty darn good.

[cleanplateclub]

I ATE ALL THE BANCHAN. BRO. This is like… a personal record. Y’all better be working on a trophy post-haste. I don’t really go for tapas because it’s so expensive in the USA, but yo check this out: i got 12 small plates right here, boss. And they were FREE with the meal. And I TORE. THEM. UP. I am lord of the clean plate! Hear me burp!

[cleanplateclub]

They said have a bagel if you’re ever in New York City. They were right. I hope you have two stomachs ready bc it’s big. BIG I TELL YA.

I had the classic lox because duh. That’s smoked salmon for you non-Celtics. It has capers and cream cheese. You can get this kind of thing anywhere and yet only here in this place where it tastes correct. The bagel was firm and squishy like a hardy gourmet loaf of bread. I mean, that’s what a bagel is. It’s like the Oops! All Crust of the bread world. Or maybe more like… Oops! All Rounded End of a baguette. You’ve had a bagel before, so why am I explaining this to you? Because I just ate a bagel in NYC and I am obligated to rub it in your face now. Mission accomplished.

[cleanplateclub]

I procured a grilled chicken sandwich from the fine local food establishment known as Chick-fil-A. I’ve not visited one in years. How does it consistently win the top restaurant pick in the Free Times year after year? It’s a mysterious and stupid as hell place I live in. Waffle fries are still good but no ketchup in the bag. C-

The sandwich though. There were no condiments on the sandwich. What kind of insane person would do such a thing?? It came on a whole wheat bun with green leaf lettuce all of which has so much earthy flavor that… I just can’t accept without a little mustard and mayo. Okay so i got this “honey roasted bbq” packet which is just aoli or something and put it on myself but no one should ever have to open up their own sandwich. Tasted like cardboard. F- would not eat again.

Lastly the drink. No option to deny the plastic drinking straw and they use a polystyrene cup. F- super fail go to hell.

[cleanplateclub]

A family friend tweeted about making shakshuka for the first time. That was just 2 days ago!

Then my girlfriend made “dinner” and by that I mean some roasted potatoes and eggplant slices at 10:30 after an argument about who should’ve cooked something sooner. Oops. But hey roasted things are a good start. This gave me an idea. What if I took some canned condensed tomato soup, swirled beer around in the can to get the excess out, added a bunch of paprika, cumin, chili powder, garlic, onion, blah blah… since her daughter hates whole eggs especially with runny yolks, I scrambled them and poured them in as a lattice. Served myself a third, plopped the potatoes and some eggplant slices on top, added hot sauce for good measure. Lazy shakshuka is good. Would do again. Easy, tasty, 10 out of 10.

[cleanplateclub]

Girlfriend made couscous and put it in tomato soup. Y’all this combo is dynamite. First of all I never really looked at the label for what couscous is. It’s pasta. It’s just pasta in a little ball shape. So… basically I just ate spaghetti-Os but also had a great revelation that Indian cuisine not so much Italian cuisine probably influenced it. This was essentially an English curry. There was Turkey in here too and I was initially convinced that it was Paneer. That’s how blurry the lines are. Food for thought.

[cleanplateclub]

The Burger King Croissan’wich is hard to spell and hard to swallow. I can’t tell you how to fix the first problem, but I can tell you that adding tomato makes it delicious. If the drive-through speaker says “we’re out of tomato” they are lying liars but forgive them because they dont get paid enough to go to the fridge and pull out lunch ingredients just for you. How about just bring it home and slice your own. Do not bite into the croissan’wich without the tomato, you heathen. Do this the right way. Add tomato forever for it is good. All croissan’wiches without tomato are simply awaiting the crowning final topping you must give them. If you cannot acquire a tomato—meaning it is absolutely impossible for you to swing by a grocery store and slice one with your pocket knife—throw that shit in the trash and go hungry. Go to Bojangles instead. And when you order that biscuit, you better add tomato.

[cleanplateclub]

Thanksgiving leftovers are at an all time high and I am high on tryptophan. This year I smoked a whole bird and it was my first time even attempting to cook a Turkey. These things, traditionally, are left to my dad. But I tell you what, the leftover-inspired transformations are on the way. Brace yourself. You’re in…

🦃

The Turkey Zone

[cleanplateclub]

Tried wasabi on a barbeque sandwich. Jesus Christ! Wow. You’ve got to try this.

[cleanplateclub]

Someone ate gyoza without me. 🕵🏻‍♂️