cleanupprincess

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My parents are possibly going to be moving out of town in a while, and while I love them and would honestly not know what to do if I wasn’t living with them, I’m really ready to be away from them, because I’m just so angry with them, like all the time I feel like, just their shitty opinions and my stepdad watching my 600 pound life and trying to pass judgement on these people whose struggle he won’t ever understand, all of it but mostly my stepdad watching my 600 pound life, at this moment

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I feel like I’m just constantly losing my stepdad’s respect too, like I love him in a vague familial kind of way obviously, but we’re just distant enough that I feel like we can have lasting negative feelings about each other and it’s like what is my problem, how am I not a nice enough person to just have a nice relationship with my stepdad, like it’s such a normal human relation and I feel like such an alien, like I can’t have a normal relationship with anybody pllllllt

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also I feel like if I actually upset my stepdad that he won’t like, agree with my mom to possibly rent this house out to me if they move, or help me with my taxes

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I feel entirely unappreciated lately. when I’m engaging people I make it a huge priority to talk/act in a way that will make other people comfortable, or like, if people aren’t paying attention to someone I’ll talk to them, or if I’m not 100% close to someone (even some of my good friends) I’ll kind of tailor what I talk about with them to interest them, idk, etc. and I just feel like 1. nobody notices, 2. nobody ever extends the same courtesy to me (like, whenever I’m floundering in a conversation - trying to find a word or something - people don’t help me or just act weirded out, etc), and 3. if I mess up in socializing, like I just say something kind of weird, I feel like it’s immediately picked up on and all my hard work to talk like a normal, polite fucking human being is ruined. it makes me feel so bad at talking and it’s unfair in my mind, honestly, like I talk to someone and I try so hard to speak correctly in the given situation and everything turns out ooo-kay, and then someone talks to the same person with like, no filter and they get closer to them than I could ever have, and it just makes me feel like an alien ggggod. and especially when I deal with this issue after like...a rude? thing someone said (esp a friend), I don’t feel like socializing! like I put forth all this effort, and yes, I get to see my friends, but I don’t GET anything out of it - socially. I don’t thrive off socializing. I love being alone, and if all my interactions are going to be shitty then I can just BE alone for a little bit until I realize how silly this is, or until I have a good/non-off day and I get my hopes up again

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*me doing any schoolwork that isn't English* oh God what's going on. where am i.

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my computer is like...kind of broken? Like a little cosmetically broken I guess, it still works. The plastic near the fan cracked and now the upper left corner sort of pops out of place when I tip my screen back (my screen is at a totally acute angle right now). I'm just bummed because I was always like, "man I gotta be careful with my laptop or else it'll break irreparably" and I finally relaxed and have been bringing it with me these past couple of weekends when I need to do homework at friends' houses and now it's just broken? like I must have stepped on it or someone else did or something. i didn't even see the crack yesterday though????

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one of my best friends is getting married on friday (two days away!) and I'm being the maid of honor ahhh. I'm going to a friend of her's house in a few hours to get my nails done with her and the other bridesmaids and then I'm staying over until the wedding, and I'm so excited but I also feel kind of sick. Like a little bitty cold. ugh

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BUT earlier today (unfortunately before the jalapenos thing happened, so I still left on a bad note) a woman who had been eating totally quietly, not staring or talking to me or anything, came up and handed me a folded piece of paper with my name on it (and I'm pretty sure she even said my name, like she called me over by name) and I could see that there was a tip in it so I just told her thank you, kind of confused but obviously very happy about it. I put it in my pocket and didn't take it out until later, but what I found in it was a $5 (!!) and a note that said (I don't have a camera rn):

Michelle,

You are an extremely positive person and hard worker. You are always running around like crazy when I come in here! You're doing a great job :) Your hard work is not unnoticed. 

Thanks for the great service :)

and that just made my day! that was so sweet. I am a good worker. I'm awesome. that lady was awesome. I showed the note to the manager who was training me tonight, just to say how nice it was, and she and another girl said that I should show it to our main boss so that he can make a note of it. 

like YES weird angry rich snowbirds who think everything has to be done the way it is in wisconsin are going to happen, but people leave me nice comments all the time. I feel good.

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lmaaoooo. it was taco tuesday today at my work, the busiest day of the week, the day where I run around giving people their food for like 3-5 hours straight until crowd dies down. the day that I inevitably run myself to a point where I have to stop and close my eyes because I feel like I'm going to pass out. that day. taco tuesday. so it was taco tuesday and this snowbird old man asks for more jalapenos, and I'm like, "oh! yes, I will get those in a moment!" and I obviously have no time to get them. I HAVE to take out orders, like i have to ignore the mess going on in the dining area or else orders will pile up and I will literally derail the whole system. getting food out is more important.  and he stood there waiting for me to get jalapenos, SEEING me taking orders out. so that happened, that happened.

I eventually get the jalapenos out. I find just a sliver of time to do this. Time passes, and eventually an old lady comes up to the front to ask if we have a comments box, and, assuming she's going to say somethign nice about me because I was running around like I was possessed trying to get orders out, and when I tell her that we don't have a comments section but that she can email corporate she was just like, "ok. oh, and I DON'T think you should serve the jalapenos after everyone is done eating." and then she skitters away and leaves. like SO  high and mighty. I NEEDED this input. this woman is literally going to send an email to corporate complaining about me because I didn't get those jalapenos out fast enough. "serve" the jalapenos??? they're not your food. you don't pay for them. serve them "after everyone is done eating"??? I didn't make you eat? You could have waited??

like people are so WILLFULLY ignorant. could those stupid fucking old people not see that I was running around the entire time? WHEN did they think I was going to get them jalapenos?? I fucking hate snowbirds so much. I absolutely do not like them.

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look at my fucking cat

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the combination of taking my first Linguistics class + working in the kitchen at work among Spanish speakers has really got me thinking about learning new languages and perfecting the ones I know a little about. I think if I'm gonna be serious about majoring in Linguistics then I want to get better at Spanish and French and eventually learn ASL and Italian. I'm actually really good at English, so it's weird to me that language in general doesn't come naturally. It'd be a lot of hard work but learning these languages is gonna be a tentative goal for me for future years 

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ugh I really wish I owned physical copies of all the gba games I emulate on my wii because playing handheld games is so convenient. I'm playing mario and luigi superstar saga right now and I have to get my shit together and do homework and get ready to eat dinner with my cousin and brother and others etc but I've worked a lot these past couple of weeks and I just want to play a video game now. If ooonly I didn't have to play it on my wii I could play it on the downlow tonight 

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I'm so fucking docile at work, like no one hears me or sees me because I'm so quiet and in the background. It's actually sort of a hit to my self esteem but it's just easier to be quiet in that setting

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ohhh man I trained as a manager during my closing shift again today and it was so weird. the actual manager, Tabitha, mentioned in passing that we would need to get Bri (high school aged cook) to start on dishes, so I started them for her and when she came back I was like, "getting em warmed up for you" and I guess Tabitha didn't tell her she wanted her to do dishes and Bri really didn't want to because she had done them that morning and I know she did them 2 days ago because I closed then too

and it all kind of snowballed, like eventually Erika came in, who is the worst fucking gossip in the whole place, and as much as I like her, she just loooves drama and acts like such a kid about it even though she's 20 and has a baby. So Erika got Bri going, and they started mumbling angrily to each other and Tabitha could hear them from the back and it just turned into this shittalking fest where both sides could hear each other and it was soooo dumb. I really could have helped if I'd tried to intervene early on, like if I'd just told Tabitha that Bri didn't want to do dishes and then gone over to Bri and been like, "Tabitha didn't know you washed dishes this morning, she's not trying to be mean, etc, etc" just like, patching stuff up on both sides. I could've done it, easy. I also really should have stopped everyone's shittalking up front, and I know that as a manager I'm going to have to get stricter with people, because every time I've trained as a manager people have slacked off and weird stuff like this has happened. I mean, it's obviously not my FAULT, but I could've stopped it. I just hate workplace gossiping and drama, like there's noooo reason to get pissed off at people at work. Bottle it up and complain when you get home. I did most of the closing stuff on my own though, but probably not correctly

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I trained as a shift manager at work today (when I was there at night at least, I worked a 9 hour double shift again) and I was sooo fucking bad at it. Counting money, converting weight, all the math that I'm terrible at. You know, practical math. I can't believe how bad I was at it, but I could at least get good at some of it in time. I also got a FAT PAYCHECK 

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I guess a couple friends of Kyle's came over yesterday while I was at work and they talked with my mom and left some pictures of him with her. The one friend made a post to my mom on facebook thanking her, saying that Kyle was always there for him and that he wished he knew how bad it had been for Kyle. I looked through his facebook a little bit and he's engaged and has a baby and I just keep thinking about how it went wrong for Kyle and why it had to be him, like I don't know why my brother couldn't have been happy. I'm so sorry Kyle. 

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Melissa, Kindelly, and I spent literally $90 between ourselves playing games at Dave and Busters. and we LITERALLY only really played the game where you drop coins onto a metal thing that pushes the coins off the edge of the metal thing. you know that thing?