clearcrownmilkshake

[clearcrownmilkshake]

Why did I wake up with my eyes wide open?

[clearcrownmilkshake]

Ignorance is truly bliss.

[clearcrownmilkshake]

10.27

Am i rly getting insecure that my writing is dwindling and that Win is rising with her words and detail? In ways, yes, I am. I feel like I've hit a rut while she is in her prime, it feels as if this is how she felt, how did she feel? I haven't a clue, it was never discussed, its not my business.

But I feel little insecurity, i feel like I dont know what I'm doing or what I want. Its like I'm not good of a writer, I feel like ever since that unfair event, I fallen short but I promised myself a reprise. Side note, I feel off from masturabting to lesbian porn, like I wasnt exactly into it, just relied on the wet slaps and shit

Im fucking listless. Im not even going to lie, her post was good, it was powerful, sure i may not like her, but her writing was smth to behold and im just here

Im so stupid crying over someone writing being better than mine. What happened to me, getting my jealousy that high to cry over it.its pathetic. I'll rise again, I'll be better again. My meticulous ways will come back, the feeling, the tone, it will return, I just have to venture and brainstorm

And then, I will go back and come back better

[clearcrownmilkshake]

9.27-10.3

I havent been writing like I should have been, I really should have been because things been topsy turvy and just making me pissed and confused and all kinds of stuff but the kast thing I will be doing is feeding into this retardation. Myst is a bitch, Winona is a bitch- Amy has bitchy friend friends.

He himself can be a bitch but I tend to corner him him until he cant think of shit else to say, plus I accept the bitchy side of him like he accepts the explosive irrationality, wrath and short temper and easy vexation with me. That's whatever

But his friends are really- Myst especially is starting to get the fuck on my nerves. I've been trying to dismiss her shit foe a while but I cant anymore- thats a fucking bitch whose against women and is so damn manly but is PROUD to be a woman. Chicks like that is so revolting

Like good for you that u have male friends, not shoving u down for that, but stop thinking that makes u this supreme hetero woman who knows what she wants and is just bc of the audience she keeps bc no offense but butch lesbians are surrounded by guys as well and is treated like one of the boys too. So whats ur common interest with guys?

Being a dom? Being tall? Not being like other girls stereotypically lol? Well arent you proud that you're not like other girls uwu ecks dee hashtag quirky. So GROWN UP SO ADULT, WOW WOW WOW. but quite the dismissive bitch. Quite the haughty dismissive bitch.

Flexing and flinging around your dick bc u can, bc youre a rare species of a woman. Well whoop dee fucking damn doo bitch, you want a cookie? So original! So cutting edge!!!! Shes not like other girls, shes a fucking bitch :DDDD!!!!!

Shut the fuck up no one cares about ur underground edgy interests, or ur BIG AMAZING YET TOUGH MENTALLY DRAINING ADULT LIFE or how mature you are, bc evidently youre not as mature as u claim

Mature adults don't do this shit, they dont flex, they dont put other ppls shit down only to uplift their own interest, or put down someone's interest bc its mainstream. Mature ppl arent usually rude or condescending, if they're neutral then theyre neutral, no shit talk at all. They dont pretend to be smth theyre not, even if quirky, they own up to it and stick by it even if they dont fit in

Mature ppl dont sling around how sub or how dom they are, thats so mf reatrded like stfu idc, mature ppl also dont act so grossly in something as small as ROLEPLAY bc it show just how you are overall, bc if youre gonna act like this over smth as small as a server, imagine if in a business or whatever

She makes a terrible business partner if shes not on close friendly terms with em and thats a problem. Made up my mind dont be mod.

That was ringing in my mind again, the complete unfairness of it all, Onyxx was RIGHT to leave, I'm the moron who wont and I'm being pushed to BY THE OWNER bc she cant fucking read. Amy at this point shouldn't be a mod if ita just Her and Win making all these choices. Let bitchass Win become the owner again then if ur gonna uphold that dumbass thing about it all being her idea.

I wanna talk tk onyxx but no use, she probably think I hate her, I was just predicting her leaving soon, I knew she wasnt going to be abke to keep that position for long given how these people are.

Also all this ONLINE BULLSHIT aside, I need to apply elsewhere since papa johns is taking its precious time lol- that and my depression is trying to revamp- easy vexation, irritation, overstimulation, anger, crying episodes, blank depersonalized states, boredom- yeah I'm depressed. And in panic, but its been a while since the other the pains.

Idk what to do about it other than handle to my best abilities and get away from whats cranking it up e.i. my family- but should it get worse like crank into self harm and suicide ill be getting help again.

Really gotta start writing again. Bitches are wilding and I wish I could slap without repercussions

[clearcrownmilkshake]

U g h, this rp is driving me mad omfg- I know strategies and shit my lord- why am I so worried? Theyre both preoccupied with smth bigger rn? Like rn they have to focus on to either see past the illusion or fight it right now. Not ignore it, they have no choice, or else its going to keep attacking, but uf they see past the illusion then ok- plus I have that fire. So its ok-

[clearcrownmilkshake]

9.27

An odd emotional day its been, I think this was because of a depressive episode. They're coming back it seems, I guess I think something to hold them back should they keep coming back to back- a mild moment of weakness and me crying because I've seen a hummingbird- getting offended at small things like that indirect thing with Gwen.

Its not a big deal. But thus anxiety and all, its gnawing, I miss ME, I miss how I was before not this overly amped with adrenaline, its far too much right now. Hmm. Maybe I should return to timers, I'm in bed much too late again. Aim my anxiousness at that than everything else.

I need to try and reapply again, get my mothers phome and make it a habit to call over and over and over again- Even when they say to check my email or whatever, keep calling, make a habit out of it.

I gotta do this, I have to. I need to grow up, my mind is so childish, I'm sick of reacting certain ways when heated- I'm tired of it. Others dont deserve that and I sure don't. Makig money, getting out if the house, something to do- I have to.

I think the reason why I'm like this with this group because I literally dont have anything better to do, it's pathetic, I need to take further initiative with my tasks in life. My ia doing what she can, money is way more slim than before, and I don't enjoy asking for things, not this, not money . i hate it.

So. I'll make a habit out of what I need to do even when my body and mind doesnt want to. Fight against it. And keep going in improving my life.

[clearcrownmilkshake]

9.26

Xieza has fled. I truly predicted that. Being the outsider mod, its not an easy role to take on, not if you're well liked by ALL THREE MODS. Even if one dislikes you out of the two, it is a problem. Or drama arises, with me it was Winona- with Xieza, Devin mostly.

I knew they didn't have what it took bc they did not have thick skin in the least. But at the same time they couldn't be solemn. Talking in bold and using proper quotations does not make you mature, Idk what myst was talking about, not once Xieza claimed to be mature.

She just changed her tone bc the others wanted that, because she was weak and bended rather than accepting criticism and coming to an understanding civilly. She puts on a show instead and acts like the server's clown. Until it became too much, but we didn't know it.

Mystique even offered assistance, tbh perhaps Xieza was wise in not doing that, the last I done that, I was ignored and action was done over me with no consultation. I understood what she felt wholly, i dont blame her for leaving, she was smart enough to leave, smart enough to say smth and leave, im still here in it among them.

But things are better now honestly, Winona is moving on, Devin and I are much closer, Mystique. Hm. I'm not sure, I assume she's neutral, that's a swell enough place to be upon.

I also cannot feel bad for Xieza at the same time, she didnt do anything helpful for the server. And did not roleplay, only played games and occasionally said a few things before going silent. Mystique could have demoted her for her lack of effort, Winona's joy in seeing her gone is so fictitious, she really acted as though she liked Xieza- then again same with Beast.

I'm worried for my love though, he's been through so much, so many left him, I can't see myself doing that even if we're not lovers anymore, I think I'd still be there for him. He's been one I've given so much of myself to, to just dismiss that over a hard to swallow pill- I couldn't, I wouldn't.

All that effort, I cant abandon that ever.

Through thick and thin, he has me through and through. Wholly and completely. Forever and always.

My evening meal has been promising, the pickled veggies were divine.

So in summary, Xieza is meek and will never be seen again, Amy has me forever, and the burger I ate was delicious- a wholesome day.

Wonder what the next day unfolds for me.

[clearcrownmilkshake]

9.25

Today was mild despite my anxiousness and chest pains. Very mild- me not obsessing online and just watching my tv felt nice though, a bit unnecessary for me to lie, but oh well I suppose.

I think I'm still relieved from yesterday though.

Nothing much to relay tonight

[clearcrownmilkshake]

Maybe I should take a physical break from online honestly. Getting this overexcited isnt healthy really. I already have the server muted but, ugh-

My mind is running several miles an hour over this, over several thoughts that are irrelevant. Im not going to lie that whole week of that multi rp aggravated me. I didn't even want to interact- AT ALL with her. Yet everyone has the fucking mouth now??? I was never excited or thrilled with it and I was the prime one involved.

Gwen has no place to say shit given that she wanted to see Boris have his ass handed to him and caused drama over it. Well now Winona is getting just her desserts- robbed of power AND enduring corruption. I don't think that link was worth all that- but hey, trial and error right?

Mystique should shut the hell up too, she rushed that whole thing. Amy should stfu as well, he placed us in the foyer and i didnt even wanna be there, I even held them off, that should have been a sign that I didn't wanna get into it-

But w/e I'll bound Devin to me, bc honestly the shit with him not having anyones thumb on him is bullshit, its time the tables turn on his op plot armor ass. I don't appreciate bein erased from the story like that, but that's ok, with how things are going right now in the rp, its making it incredibly easier for me to execute my coup d'etat.

Maybe THEN I ought to reobtain my relevance. Because thay truly was a dick move to erase me the way they did. And rn what Winona the oc is going through and what Devin the oc will go through is nothing more than karma. Mystique is just playing around honestly, so w/e.

I wanted a plot with her but with how things are going now, I'm not sure how that will be until well after I bound Devin to me AND overtake the realm.

Allison, not sure right now- she's with Silky, though I should push it.

[clearcrownmilkshake]

Speak nonsense in here

That'll do. Anything to get this anxiety and panic and adrenaline away

Not let my thoughts go crazy. I can dig it.

[clearcrownmilkshake]

9.24

Just a small something something here to type before I go to sleep. I figure it might help.

Speaking with Winona outright, it felt nice. It felt really nice honestly. Cozy, even. It felt like she didnt detest me and I didn't detest her- in that moment we were just two people speaking online. No negativity. I actually want that but she'd might think I'd want a friendship. I don't. But us being calm and just talkin feels nice too.

I'd have to initiate a lot, I'm iffy on doing that anyway with those I'm not close to. Hope Xieza backs off though, she's,,, she's something. She somewhat reminds me of myself when I was that age but- I don't know, I cant empathized with that wholly. I didn't brag about being a junkie to strangers, or a drunk.

Hmm. Rp wise, idk

A lot is going kn but I did NOT want that reunion with Winona to start so soon. But eh,,, I got something out of it, more power and Winona going crazy. Bummed the link was stolen, but eh, I got a plan for that too, I was actually thinking about this plan even before the link was given to me. I suppose not I have a reason in wanting to push it now. That on top of the takeover.

The pending coup d'etat. It will come soon enough. With Winona literally a liability, doing this will be of no issue at all. Teehee

Plus updates for the limbs, i can pull the wolf scene soon too holy shit- I just need prey.

I did fall short as Boris but this will be my reprise, my second coming- a reckoning is in process.