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It’s OK you’re hard to have sometimes, like being is locked behind a door. Trunk of locks. Clouds of locks. Your teeth are locked. Your hair is thunderous and woolly. That’s still you against the wall, in the morning, your shadow-hand sprouting a vaporous hullo. You repeat yourself on the floor and ceiling. You’re suburban ivy growing heads everywhere you go. It’ll be fine if you just let you happen. In the daylight, so lime this June, this is really your morning. Last night you saw a bunny blazing through the grass, and that was really your night. Moon isn’t fake, hung floors above you— the silver arrows it sends are real. Its starlight jelloes your sparkling feet. The bunny was from another world, but you can’t find the door of it to knock. Days, coming over the town of towers and onto you, carrying away your marching band of minutes. You take butter-colored photos of self in the mirror. All your candles melt because you burn them, you enjoy them. That’s what has to happen here. You have to see you and you have to disappear while you look. Least you can say you seen you. Your fear appears not in your eyes - so where is it.

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Ponyo

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Paul McGann and Richard E. Grant

🎥 Withnail And I (1987)

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Study week is here and brings with it some free time to watch movies on my laptop long after the sun's gone down

A Tale of Summer (1996)

The Old Dark House (1932)

Withnail and I (1987)

A Room with a View (1985)

Out of these, Withnail and I and A Tale of Summer are my favourite. Would like to dress like Gaspard more. Would like a summer holiday where I bring nothing with me except for maybe my vehicle of creation (pen and paper or markers or whatever). I loved the open beach-side in A Tale of Summer, the aimless melting walks, the shuddery sand bushes, cyan water-surface, sparkle pools, sun mixing with sea, Gaspard's dark sunglasses, the disco, the sea shanties, wooden room of Solène's uncle...! Also, did not realize the actor for Gaspard is the same one who plays Laurence in Laurence Anyways

Withnail and I really broke my heart...I loved this broken heart it gave me. Withnail and Marwood gave off this fume of beauty that maybe can only come from two people perfect for each other and never touching, good for each other in the mess but in a mess nonetheless. I have more to say on Withnail and I but I can't now because I must get off the computer sooner rather than later...

I've been reading during my study week too. A lot! I finished One Evening in October I Rowed Out on the Lake, a short book of poetry by Finland-Swedish writer Tua Forsström, and I'm almost finished The Dark by John McGahern, an Irish writer, which was well timed as I am suffering from believing there is only One Good Path and I've got to find it in order to save me from troubles. Well The Dark says, troubles are plenty, and everywhere, on every road. So don't panic so much thinking there's some way to avoid them. The Glow is on every road also. This book had such random poetry in it, phrases like "wood strawberries" and "always a funeral of little winter birds" and "the apple blossoms scorched in nights of white frost." Also, this sentiment of how it's impossible to find security was echoed a little in a poem by Tua:

It is light by day, Vanessa. It is dark at night but many accidents occur by day when it is light.

Also, the cover of Tua's book is a photograph from Gleaming Lights of the Souls by Yayoi Kusama. Back some years ago, this installation came to Toronto. My sister and I went. I behaved like an ogre that day, I don't remember why. We got into some fight and didn't stay long. But we did go into that mirrored room with all the floating almost phosphorescent lights floating out into multi-coloured infinity. It felt so much bigger on the inside than it looked from the outside, like the gag you sometimes see in kids cartoons when creatures have humongous homes set up in tree trunks or like moles Purl and Crawly having tea parties in holes below ground. Anyways, it's not like I would like to go backwards, but I would love a chance to see it all again with her

There's a lot I wouldn't do, if I could do it again, if I were honest. And lot of what I've been reading says: there's nothing you can do about that!

Tua again:

I must drive firewood home I must turn the key in the lock And then I hear again that voice, mysterious and clear You are old now little child

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Conte d'été. Éric Rohmer. 1996

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The Old Dark House (1932)

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I have one friend from high school and last night we went to watch The Materialists. The movie was playing in the VIP section of the cinema where everything was black tile sleek and darker and slightly weird. I said I regret not bringing my cigar and she said do you want a cigarette, I've just started again, I've just needed something

Don't know how to explain it, but this was the shape of The Materialists. A regular body with jerks into unsettled triangular pointiness. It didn't feel much like a rom-com because it interacted so much with the spaces of human life where you might start to feel surreal (during assault, encountering real money, working in a corporate space and being good at your job but not getting really why you do it)

The movie felt like words. I don't know if it felt like feeling. Basically it was a movie where people just said what they were thinking. A line delivered more than once: "What are you thinking?" or what's on your mind or whatever. Movies are more interesting when they don't have characters asking this directly. This sort of direct interrogation works better in a book where you don't need live actors playing out the vaporous word forms.

But there was the scene where Lucy (Dakota) traces Harry's (Pedro) leg scars in bed and he wakes up and notices it and then jerks the sheets back over himself, hiding the scars. Then he gets out of bed all together, pulls pants on and leaves the room. And he does it all so moodily and darkly I was actually surprised to see it--like to see this jerk of the happy human back into their boiling insecurity so plainly in a 'rom-com.' Well it's probably not a rom-com, more like a writer flirting with the shape of a rom-com

Overall it seemed an odd movie but I like Dakota. Suspiria queen. Really pretty movie too. I want to enter more elegant rooms and more open city nights I also sort of wondered---I mean the movie was pretty white except for the cave people. Was that not by anybody noticed

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I start to feel a bit crazy if I haven't done anything in a while that actually feels like interacting with me

Work, school Things I do but sometimes I'm just not there--I'm playing more like a role you know either "employee" or "student"

Sometimes when I send corporate emails I fly out of my body and watch myself from a third place

At my job I get to email people on the publishing teams at Lonely Planet and Archie and Marvel

But I want to work on something personal soon. Today during class I was googling the Weaver's School, the one in Coupeville, Washington. I might genuinely go in 2026. But I need to have a serious talk with myself about why I'm so possessed to be enrolled in a class at all times. Can't tell if it's good or bad. Almost like I want it to make some definition out of me...Haha. I will just deal for now. Not that bad not that bad!

Today, procrastinating studying for tomorrow's technical grammar exam, I put together the start of a digital picture album 🎀

We are learning Javascript in another class

When I find my camera's memory card reader I'll upload photos from my camera too. I even bought a 2nd camera and it's coming in the mail soon!! Hopefully it arrives before I leave for Italy. Man, I still have to tell my program coordinator that I'm leaving for Italy D: She is one of those people to whom attendance means everything. Well, not me!

The camera I got, it's older, a silver Sony Cyber-Shot DSC-T9. Maybe they are all silver. I become a bit of a shopaholic when I'm stressed. Could become a worse thing. I used to become worse things

🎵 I really like Nettles by Ethel Cain right now. I listen to it at least 4 times a day

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Well, strawberry, raspberry, candlelight Satellite, television, X-ray vision

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Ended up at the mall the other night. I never go to the mall. Was there for a Yankee Candle (jasmine) and ended up in this deserted ramshackle perfume store—like just boxes upon boxes of random perfumes by people I've never heard of. Lady behind the counter seemed shrouded in purple secrets. And I don't know...Mysterious Girl is a perfume I'd never buy based off the bottle alone but feeling whimsy I spritzed it on my wrist then left the store. Didn't buy it, but the powdery white scent sort of stayed with me even when I was out in the parking lot, in the dusk (dusk of white musk!); the scent lingered like this homogenous cloud of frothy petals and memory and I was sort of sold, as they say. Have bought it now. White Musk, too. They were each $20. Cheap perfumes I like. I once fell hard for an expensive scent (Tom Ford - Ombre Leather) after smelling it at the airport and really I should've left it there. But then I was gifted it. It's over now. It's still horrible. Every Christmas I buy a 10ml tube and then ration. I wore that perfume a lot when I worked at a book store. Leather and books. It just makes sense

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Your skin is a lamp Warms the park Brights the dark Here in green air Of midnight lair Moths fly and flap over fume Of cooling grey lawns It’s summer I’m under That’s true

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One Crazy Summer (1986)

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Had a birthday ( :

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Heard this in the liquor store in Montreal while buying an NA rosé

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You seem so organized and constantly aiming for bigger and better projects in your life and I'm so mesmerized. How do you fight being in a slump? Like, when you feel like you have no direction and life feels a little meaningless... how do you always figure out where you're going?

I really appreciate this message! Thank you! I'm glad I come across that way but truthfully that's probably the more Big Picture side of it; I think what's annoying about being your own singular 'I' or 'me' is that you're constantly stuck with yourself in the small picture, the nitty gritty and grain; you're kind of aware at all times of what your intentions are and just how bigly and badly you might be failing to meet them

I'd love to know more about your side--is it coming up with ideas you're struggling with, or executing them? Or is the trouble with knowing what to do at all? I feel that all the time! Especially when we have survival in the mix, having to pay your way, it can be tough to know what to value or what's OK to spend time on...I'm really bad at finishing things. I have a lot of ideas but god helps me when it comes to getting them done. But at this point I have proof I am just sort of slow so I don't mind plugging away and taking forever

How old are you, if I can ask? Time really helps. When I was 21 (I just turned 29 yesterday!) I wrote on this blog really depressing stuff. It's how I was genuinely feeling I wrote: "i feel way too old to become anything now / i want a chrysalis; some hiding from this; / i need time for my transformations." I also wrote that I wanted life "to feel the way it looks." Well, it can't. Haha! I really believe it can't. I just can't see the interior world of other people. I cannot be so sure that they feel how they look like they're feeling. I hope they do but even so, why use what I can see as a point of comparison? I'm always going to be slightly convinced I am terribly and horribly different. I think being a person on earth is a very huge burden. I am tasked with the task of constantly picking myself up. But there is a lot I like about it. I like doing what I like, and enjoying my own taste...then of course all the earthly alive sensations like blowing wind and leaf-flutter

When I was 21, I couldn't see a way from A to Z and I think that's because the path isn't something you see, it's something you live. Any plans I put together were just too intense for someone with no experience in anything at all. I couldn't see the value in little steps until they'd suddenly added up. And now I sort of breathe easier even when I'm just doing a little. Because it all adds up

What helped the most was choosing my first commitment. Out of this first commitment (mine was my undergrad--it can be different for everybody--but mine was my undergrad which took me 7 years to finish because I kept dropping out) my life sort of took one shape...and now I'm carving out side paths and planting berries and what not...I think the hardest part is picking that initial road you're going to go down. And I say all this, but I still have a lot of Big Questions

Also, when it comes to direction and meaning -- I think everything I do comes out of an awareness of that meaningless!! I don't believe there is any direction or meaning for me outside of my own definitions, my own marks I put on the map. I come up with projects to work on mainly because there's nothing else for me to do here! I try to reflect as much as I can about what I would be the most sad about if I died in a freak accident

Do you have a project board? You can dog-ear things you might like to do one day. I don't use mine religiously, but the last three things I added to my project board are Not Really Real. They are 1) Make an Archive [cuz I stumbled across ResCarta and like the UI], 2) Make an interactive fiction game [cuz I stumbled across this online class that has a lot of course materials still posted], and 3) Write a Fan Fiction [cuz I don't like that I never had a fan fiction writing phase as a teenager and want to challenge myself to like something that much--to notice external dynamics and insert my own desires], etc.

Anyway, it's just random things! And I think about what I like in a different way. I use a mind map maker and add to it here and there. Current state below. Maybe give this a try! There's no need to worry, either, if nothing comes up. Just sort of turn the tap on and let yourself know it's open and that you won't judge what comes out. It's possibly that going to art school and having to force ideas together for creative projects quickly helped me with this practice but you can do it with whatever background you have right now :-)

Anyways, this was a lot of blab blab blab...Let me know if I left anything unanswered/unclear and I will try again. I feel this earth experience also and I totally believe in you! Xx