clinth

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The inauguration was so fucked up. I honestly cannot believe this is 2025. And please. KNOW the moment I'm talking about. Wow.

--

I try not to think about it. Seriously. But I cannot help but wonder if people are really this far gone. What happened to my fellow Americans? Like GORL the nazis are here wake the fuck up.

--

I'm community building, in ways I've never before because the troubles here and ahead are also unprecedented.

Not to be dramatic, bc ICE is quite literally here terrorizing the communities I love, but I have got to be better at offering refuge and safe spaces. Ugh.

--

The pangs of sadness, fear, and worry are constant now. I scream out loud randomly. I can't contain my emotions.

--

Seriously. Not to be dramatic but these next four years are already the worst.

[clinth]

Dopamine decor is a banger though well done gen z tiktok

just learned about dopamine decor and i feel crazy

tiktok people are just now discovering you can put things in your living space that you like. , Guys

[clinth]

My parents do not listen to me, and my sister thinks this is not going to change. But we continue to hope that it will bc our inner child will always yearn for it.

-

My mom called me to lecture me about being gay - the distress and agony i was causing them when they think about me marrying a man. It hurt and I lashed out. I told her about my history with suicide ideation. How her tying my identity to her and dad's suffering is precisely the kind of thinking that made me want to kill myself: to protect them from a life where they are in constant discomfort about their gay son and his lgbtq husband.

She softened her tone after and asked to spend more time together. And I told her that it's hard bc being with her and dad makes my heart heavy. How can I spend more time with her knowing she only accepts this NOT GAY version of myself? That her inability to accept affects how she's able to show me love and affection? And vice versa?

-

No right answers. Just a lifetime of learning i guess.

[clinth]

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not to alarm anyone but is anybody else worried about how everybody is fucking stupid

[clinth]

I'm just asking that you love me no matter what. What am I, Jesus? Yeah.

Challengers (2024) dir. Luca Guadagnino

[clinth]

I was sick the past few days, but finally on the mend. I was having fever dreams about tumblr lol but I can't make sense of them now.

--

My sisters are in Japan for the next week. Seeing their snaps and posts makes me think about my own trip six months ago. I can't wait to go back next year; I'm hoping to go around April/May to catch the cherry blossom season. It'll be hectic but hopefully worth it.

--

Not everything has to be revelatory; some things can be just what they are and that's okay. like Madame Web. My boyfriend and I laughed and had a blast tearing the movie apart afterwards.

--

Speaking of movies - we recently became A-list stub members at AMC. Basically, for 25 dollars a month, you can see as many movies in whatever format you want. If I didn't get sick this past week I would have probably watched DUNE in imax 5 straight days. I am obSEssed with that twink and elvis.

--

My old coworker / coworker from my old job was the first person who recommended Dune to me and not once did he talk about the cunty space witches. bene gesserit. lol they are my favorites and I hope they get their own HOUSE OF THE DRAGON-esque spinoff.

--

I know I say it every year but am making it a priority to write. See you all again soon.

[clinth]

Something I am learning how to navigate and deal with is what to do when my partner upsets me.

I have a tendency to yell, something he has previously expressed triggers him, and he gets upset and recedes into himself and it makes me want to forget about the fact I was upset and just hold him.

But it's not right for me to disregard my emotions and how he made me feel.

--

I had just picked him up and we are in my car. I am so happy to see him. He is my favorite person and I tell him, I want to listen to my favorite song.

He says, that song? The one that goes dun dun dun, dun dundu dun? I don't like it.

I start to play it and he continues to make fun of it.

I'm done listening to it, I say, as it gets to the part that he's specifically making fun of.

He sees that I am upset and he says, no let's listen to it.

We fight over the on/off switch and then I scream: I'm serious, I do not want to listen anymore.

--

We are quiet the rest of the way. I can't articulate my feelings because my favorite things - songs movies books - aren't just foreign, stringless, mindless things. I feel it deep; a part of me that I have grown with and nurtured, and for him to recoil at something that I love feels like he is recoiling from me.

--

I drop him off. I hate when we leave things left unsaid but I have nothing to say in this moment. I feel rejected, embarrassed for showing him something I loved. I feel disgusting, like I'm in 8th grade opening my lunch and the kids around me asks why it smells like that.

--

I am in bed now. My emotions are high and I'm so fucking exhausted from feeling. I love him and want him to feel happy. But I am sad and I don't know how to make things better.

[clinth]

Happy 8th birthday to the album of my life

E•MO•TION + favourite lyrics

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I came out to my parents right after midnight.

I wish I recorded the conversation because I blacked out and it’s coming back to me in pieces.

I did record myself talking about it afterwards, I don’t know if I can trust the recounting of the moment as to not give too much deference and respect to my parents.

I don’t feel hurt. I don’t know if that’s because my mom didn’t say anything hurtful or if I overprepared for the moment and therefore she was incapable of hurting me regardless. 

I told her that I loved her and she said she loved me too at the very end, but I feel far away from any kind of warmth right now.

I feel cold and sad. I want to hug myself on the insides but I can’t reach myself. 

[clinth]

It's been 10 days in Europe and I am at the airport, waiting for my flight home.

--

I had a wonderful time. Vivian is a great travel comanion; she's alway down for whatever and is also good about making sensical plans. I've missed her company, her fun, her conversations, but she has grown so much from the girl I met in high school. She's so assured and confident in who she is as a woman. Her growth is the kind of growth I hope to see in myself.

--

Wish I could explain things better.

[clinth]

I am in London for the next four days, then I will take the train to Paris, where I will be there for another four days.

--

It's been a few years since I traveled internationally, and I've never done crossed an ocean by myself before*.

--

Going through the airport was fine -- I didn't have trouble at all and the process seems to be much faster than I remember. I made it to the gate with plenty of time to spare. This was also the first plane I was on where there were two levels.

--

Getting on the plane was a breeze but I forgot that the second row is actually the row behind where families w/ babies (if any) are sat lol

The grandpa got mad at me a bit because when I was settling in my seat and choosing my movie, I kept knocking at his seat. He was like, could you stop kicking my chair?

--

I like the aisle seat because I get a bit more room to stretch my legs, which is nice, especially on an international, overnight flight.

but also, I think I will just fly business class the next time I fly overnight internationally. I feel like it's worth the extra $$ and plus I think?? I can afford that now.

--

The real goal, though, is being able to afford the upper level, which I'm sure is first class with the beds. I'm a decade out from being there though.

--

I landed and made it through customs quickly. When I pulled down my mask, the custom officer laughed and said, "you look much older now. i thought you were young. how old?"

That made me laugh too. "I'm 30."

--

Homesickness has a smell, I think, because the moment I caught the air outside I was brought back to my first two weeks of undergrad -- all alone in a new place but I'm on vacation so I got over that quickly

--

*MyBFF Vivian is flying in tonight to join me, so this is not really a solo international trip.

--

I also miss my boyfriend :(

[clinth]

Wow sometimes it really do be urself.

--

I turned thirty recently, and it's been front of mind because what do I have to show for it?

I tell myself that's the wrong question to ask. I feel like I'm saying I have nothing to show for it, actually. I spent so much of my twenties practicing gratefulness and being happy about what I have that the question itself just feels like, maybe it was a waste doing that??

I need to recognize the Lack and what it's doing to me, and it is not enough for me anymore to say even if I don't have this at least I have that.

What do I want

Why am I afraid to desire

--

I am not good enough for myself. I don't believe in myself. I am not chasing after the career I want, the jobs I'd be happier doing: Line judging tennis matches. Making coffee and experimenting with drinks. Czech hunting. You know!!

Instead I scrub data 40 hours a week and it makes me sad. I am not in love with this and I am also not brave enough to stop.

--

Fuck!!!!!

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i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 138mph

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i do not ghost purposely i just have no idea what to say ever

[clinth]

It's your 30th today @sugarmommy

I love you so much. What a crazy 15 years it has been. I know I said it to you yesterday, but I am so proud of you and how far you've come.

I can't wait to see what the next 15 years have for us.

Jessica

We’re part of a set; I love you.

Happy Birthday!