closebutnotquitewright - Tumblr blog

[closebutnotquitewright]

3 year old: what’s destiny?

6 year old: I know what it is!

Me: go on

6 year old: it’s your place.

Me: yes, but it’s also your future.

6 year old: like, my destiny is… swimming!

Me: yeeees… but… it’s usually bigger than that, more than just you.

3 year old, supportively: maybe a whale.

[closebutnotquitewright]

A mating dance (?)

[closebutnotquitewright]

How does anyone hate kids they are so funny I sold tickets to incredibles to this little girl and her mom and she’s like mom are we sitting next to each other and the moms like ya and the kid screamed YES so loud it broke my ears

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[closebutnotquitewright]

actually supervillains with kid hero nemeses are hysterical bc if i was a billionaire and i found out the kid who was also my nemesis was a preteen orphan i would simply adopt them. oh you’re going to stop my nefarious schemes? how when you’re grounded. go to your room

[closebutnotquitewright]

[closebutnotquitewright]

It's not chicken news, but it's adjacent - we found this little man huddled in a parking lot. We tried all the shelters and the rescues and NextDoor and Craigslist, nobody was looking for him and nobody would take him off our hands. So we have an elderly bunny now. He's a little asshole and he runs our lives and we love him.

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Honestly where would we be as a society without the "if I had a nickel for every time [x] happened, I would have two nickles. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice" meme. Perfect meme to express confusion that something happened two whole times which is not a LARGE number of times, usually, but for this specific thing that is a lot of times. We owe Doofenshmirtz everything

[closebutnotquitewright]

ALT

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“Where do I stand on the – on the WHAT? The “Transgender Question”? Well for one thing, sir, I recall the last few usages of that particular phraseology. A group of millions is not a question – I have not yet finished speaking – not a question, but a demographic.“

“The Romans had their castrated priestesses, the Hindus their Hijras, but my god, let us take to the barricades because Uncle Al came to Thanksgiving in a skirt and pantyhose! It’s the province of rubes. Hayseed reactionaries and the worst effluvia of America’s suburban colon.”

“And Chapelle! My god, Chapelle. Embarrassing as only a true great can become in his declining years – I speak here with complete self-awareness; kindly hold your barbs – as he tires of innovation and falls back into the soporific cushion of the lowest common denominator!”

“One joke stretched until you can hear its joints popping like some poor bastard broken on the rack. “Oh my car has pronouns, I identify as a bird, I’m trans-Chinese.” The laziness of it – shameful. You should see the transgendered roast themselves; there’s true scorched earth.“

[closebutnotquitewright]

Sometimes I see someone on here I think is a bit cringe and I check their blog and see they’re like 15 & the bit of cringe is undercut by a slight fondness. Like when a baby’s being noisy in a store. This still isn’t pleasant but I hold no ill will towards you. Blessings upon your travels

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[closebutnotquitewright]

My deepest darkest fantasy is that I collapse on the street and I am rushed to the hospital. They perform a bunch of tests and find out I am severely deficient in some kind of vitamin. Then I start taking the vitamin and I become the happiest cleverest person alive because all my problems were caused by this one deficiency

[closebutnotquitewright]

Thinking about how when my oldest brother took Japanese classes his professor was like your pronunciation is really good 😊 but you need to watch movies that aren't about the Yakuza because you sound like a criminal

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pick one you bald genderless idiot

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was anyone going to tell me that the pope's dressmaker posts dick and cock on instagram or was i supposed to find out for myself

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my favorite customer service slip ups