clover-cdd-confessions

[clover-cdd-confessions]

Hello! Just wanted to say welcome back, and that hoping that you are doing relatively alright. You do not need to pressure yourself into doing anything, or feel that you are obligated to post/run on this blog in specific. My words may not mean much, but I hope they find you well -✂️

Thank you very much, this does mean a lot and I appreciate your concern :) I hope you're doing okay too. I do want to be active here but it's hard for me to, so I'll do my best! Thank you very much for your words <3

[clover-cdd-confessions]

Hello, I'm deeply sorry for once again falling inactive. I do care about this account. My laptop broke for quite some time and I wasn't able to get back on here, and I was escaping an abusive situation. I'm sorry to any asks that I haven't responded to yet. I will make more of an effort to be active now that these issues have been resolved. Hope everyone is well today!

[clover-cdd-confessions]

i mod on a decently sized blog for the system community but all my notifications come from it now and it's getting draining but also when i make posts i love the notes they get.

i'm getting burnt out because most of my posts get consistently less notes than the other mod's regardless of what I try.

it's making my mental health horrible because i don't think anyone cares about *me* but more just what i give them if that makes sense.

this isn't to say modding on there has been completely bad but it's just a horrible whole

I can 100% see why that would be draining and make you feel that way...I haven't been in that position but it would make me feel bad too! It's hard not to feel discouraged when it seems like other people are interacting more with posts by other mods. It makes sense it would lead to feeling burnt out, like you're just doing a job rather than managing a blog and having meaningful interactions.

Remember, it's okay to take a break! Not telling you that you have to or should, but it's an option if you feel like it would help. It's not a 9-5; you're not obligated to force yourself to answer if you're getting tired. It's also okay to rest before you feel really, really burnt out, you know?

I know I'm not really offering any spectacular insight, but I hope you feel listened to and affirmed. I think that would be upsetting for many people. That's frustrating, and I hope you're able to reconnect with that blog soon :)

[clover-cdd-confessions]

Hello sysblr!!

i have a survey for you!! yes, you!

it's on your opinions within system spaces

it's anonymous unless you choose to share your username /gen

please reblog if you can! the more info, the better

thank you if you participate!!

[clover-cdd-confessions]

We appreciate your words :), we’d add more, but we can’t think of what to say. We appreciate your blog very much, and how other systems, or people with CDDs (along with other disorders too, questioning or not), get to talk about their experiences. - ✂️ system

Ahh I'm so so glad you like my blog! I know I'm not the most active or popular of the numerous system ask blogs, and I'm just some fella, but I want to provide a space for others that I want for myself, being someone who has found comfort in the anonymity of ask blogs.

Without getting too personal, I'm still early in my healing journey, so I like to be there for others in a similar place, and do my best to be both scientifically accurate and compassionate.

Hope you're all doing well! I'm always happy to lend an ear, even if I can't offer specific advice

[clover-cdd-confessions]

I think my meds might be affecting alters in different ways. I don't even know if that's possible, but I find that my emotions have been blunted while another alter has gotten angrier and kind of aggressive.

But I don't see why this would be, do you or any followers have some insight?

I have heard of meds affecting systems, yes! Since they affect the whole brain, it makes sense why meds might affect different alters in different ways, just as singlets taking the same medication may have different responses.

I can't find any studies about it specifically, but just from Googling I found a few people discussing their experiences. Anything that affects your brain has the capacity to affect alters.

If anyone has experienced this, feel free to share! But yes, this is possible from everything that I know.

[clover-cdd-confessions]

I feel bad because a hypersexual little alter was fronting many times when I (bodily 18+ F) was in a sexual relationship with my friend (18+ M)... I'm glad that I stopped talking to them before I found out we are a system, I don't know how I could ever tell someone that they were engaging with "little me" because that person attracted the sexually abused alter out to the front 😐 And other times when a hypersexual male alter was fronting and sexting them, how could I tell that person, "oh yeah, btw you also have been sexting my bi/gay dude alter" 😐 it's lowkey making me hate myself but there's nothing I can really do now and I guess there's no reason to keep ruminating on it, I just need to watch out in case it happens again, but I am asocial so I won't have any more friends for several years so hopefully it won't happen

There's absolutely no reason to hate yourself for it. There was no way for you to have known, and you couldn't help that those alters were fronting at those times. While there's nothing inherently wrong with having a relationship where multiple alters are involved with the same person, I understand why not knowing about it would feel bad, especially when a little is involved who's reacting from a place of abuse.

You don't have to ruminate on it (easier said than done); your alters were doing what they knew to do, and you can look back on it now with a more full understanding of what was happening. None of you did anything wrong; without understanding you were a system, it wouldn't have been something you could have known about.

If possible, it could help to think about why they were active in those moments, and why it would be a bad idea for them to do that again. I'm not doubting you at all, I just think it's helpful to reflect. That way, if you're ever in that situation again, you have a more firm understanding of it. I wish all of you well! You don't need to hate yourself over this, I promise.

[clover-cdd-confessions]

Reblogging this for safety! Especially triggers, because sadly internet strangers could use that against you. Stay safe out there.

hey systems I would advise you to keep a certain number of things out of your bio because OSDDID inherently says a lot about your past and triggers so there are certain details only your close friends should know, and not just anyone perusing the internet

your age - predators are more than happy to fake their age to match yours. Being young and plural are unfortunately traits prone to manipulation

your headcount - aside from assholes fakeclaiming you, people can take it and use it against you.

who your trauma holders are, and, more generally, the roles of your alters. it's basically telling abusers who to target and who to avoid

any information about your littles whatsoever. For all the world knows, you have none. same with who age regresses.

any system descriptors beyond DID/OSDD1/PDID/etc. the internet does not need to know if you have complex DID or something like that; it's your trauma.

what your triggers are. people will try to trigger you on purpose. this includes front triggers

all your other disorders, particularly personality disorders - abusers can try to make you dependent, "favorite" them, avoid others, etc.

These aren't rules, and there are obviously different situations that call for different levels of privacy. Just use your judgment: who can see this? anyone who came across my blog or people I friended on simply plural? trusted friends on simply plural? Systems are very vulnerable to further abuse because of their fragmentation and trauma mindsets. Don't let anyone take advantage of that.

[clover-cdd-confessions]

Hey, P-DID system here

Just curious, but what does being an endo even imply? From what I know it’s just making up a system, but is there anything more than that?

Sorry if this might seem pro-endo, I’m just curious about the situation

Doesn't seem pro-endo at all, don't worry! It's good to ask questions

So, I've been aware of this for a few years now, and the term endo can really refer to a few different things. "Endogenic" as a word is an adaptation of the term "endogenous", which is defined as (of a disease or symptom) not attributable to any external or environmental factor. In essence, the origin of an "endogenic" system would be one not caused or influenced by external factors (trauma, in this case).

The issue with this is, of course, that some things cannot be endogenous. Systems, or DID/OSDD-1/P-DID/UDD, are considered by all current research to be trauma-caused. So why might someone identify with being an endogenic system if that's impossible?

You mentioned one example: making it up. While I'm generally against fakeclaiming, it is true that some people do fake disorders or symptoms. It is a fact that some percentage of people who identify as endogenic systems are faking, for a variety of reasons. On the other hand, some may not consciously be choosing to fake, but could be making it up for other reasons, like lack of research. Due to the already unscientific nature of identifying as an "endogenic system", it's a fair bet that there's a larger number of people making it up in this category as compared to systems.

It's also important to mention that some endo systems, perhaps a good amount of them, are likely systems (or someone with a similar disorder) who have been misled or are in denial. This is the case due to the fact that many systems previously identified as endos before being more aware of how systems work. A lot of endos are younger, newly discovered/questioning systems, and this makes them especially susceptible to falling into endo misinformation. Denial plays a massive factor, as it makes sense why someone might want to believe they don't have trauma, especially if they can't remember it.

Some endos I've seen believe that, while they have trauma, it's not what caused their system to form, which is a very odd form of denial.

Some endos believe in spiritual plurality, but that's still not a reason to use the term. While certain culturally accepted practices are recognized as being distinct from DID, these are nothing like what "spiritual systems" claim (the ICD mentions spirit mediums as an example of something exempt from diagnosis).

There are various reasons why someone would identify as an endo, and probably some I haven't covered, but I hope this makes some sense as I'm writing this at 4:30 in the morning lol. Endos are completely misinformed about systems, and many of them are possibly systems that are simply turning to misinformation to help reinforce denial. Many endos are also simply faking systemhood.

(Edit: it's not always obvious, so I encourage approaching endos with the understanding that a good number of them are misinformed or in denial, and very well may be systems. It's important to correct misinformation while being aware of this fact. Even if this is the case, it's not an excuse for them to spread misinformation.)

The best we can do is encourage research on the topic and correct misinformation!

[clover-cdd-confessions]

we thought we were low/no amnesia, turns out we just forgot that we forgot 😭 #strugglemaxxing

(can we claim "-🌀"?)

Oh noooo lmao 😭 I do this all the time...I don't realize I forgot something until I remember that I forgot it/remember it...

and yes!! added!

[clover-cdd-confessions]

If you come across an ask about us possibly being a poly-fragmented OSDD system from one of our parts please excuse it, we have realized that we are most likely a covert DID system. We are still in therapy, still healing, and are still discovering ourselves as a system. We experience heavy emotional amnesia, along with grayouts, horrible memory when it comes to our childhood, and horrible memory in general (that may also be due to our ADHD)—we split very easily, and in large amounts, and have many fragments because of it—we also believe we may have a subsystem, or that we have layers. Because of how OSDD-1B (It is just recognized as OSDD-1, or OSDD in the DSM) is brought up, and because of the similarities covert DID and it have, we have thought that we were an OSDD-1B system for a long time, and as a system that has discovered itself through tons and tons of research, I am disappointed—especially me, the host, as I have a special interest in psychology (CDDs specifically), and it is something I strive to learn about.

If that ask was inappropriate, or it seemed we are not very researched on the topic of poly-fragmentation, I am sorry—I as the host, believe that such topics should be taken seriously. And I have acknowledged that the level of dissociation needed to be poly-fragmented is high, and because of the low level of amnesia in OSDD-1B, it is known that it cannot be poly-fragmented. We have just felt lost due to the fact that others have expressed that the level of blackout amnesia between switches is what truly defines DID & OSDD(system variants), which leads to emotional amnesia being left out of the picture.

Also, if this comes off as me not liking my head-mates, that is not true, I love them. - ✂️ system host

I apologize, since I answered the ask before seeing this!! If you would like me to delete it, I'm happy to. That's my bad /gen

I do understand the struggle of distinguishing DID from OSDD-1. I relate to much of what you described your experience as, and that's very common for people to not really be sure, think they're one and turn out to be the other, etc. Covert DID being confused for OSDD-1 makes sense. I'm glad to hear that you're in therapy and are able to have that resource, and I hope your journey goes well.

I also have a special interest in psychology with CDDs being especially the case! So I do understand the desire to take this topic seriously, and I don't think it came off as offensive. I took it as that part trying to find the right language to describe your experiences, not someone misusing terms. As far as I know, polyfragmentation only occurs in DID due to it being a more complex form of dissociation, but I can understand why thinking you have OSDD-1 yet having a lot of fragments would bring up questions. I was not bothered by the ask (though I'm not polyfrag, so I can't speak on anyone's behalf) and I wouldn't have posted it if it seemed in bad faith :)

"We have just felt lost due to the fact that others have expressed that the level of blackout amnesia between switches is what truly defines DID & OSDD(system variants), which leads to emotional amnesia being left out of the picture." I TOTALLY understand what you mean here. Due to the way the DSM phrases things, and the way it's often hard to find proper sources for things online, I've seen a lot of debate about what truly defines DID from OSDD-1, especially 1b. While my current understanding is that it is distinguished by the presence of blackout switches (whether frequent or infrequent), the phrasing is confusing and I'm not against the idea that I'm incorrect (if anyone has any sources either way I would love to read them /gen). I myself have a lot of emotional amnesia and I feel like I don't see it discussed much at all, which can be very alienating.

Again, sorry that I didn't see this ask before posting the other one! If you would like it removed, please reach out. I will add a note to it saying to reference this one. I wish you all the best.

[clover-cdd-confessions]

A little confession :

We have a factive of our ex girlfriend who is ((kind of)) our friend and we still haven't told her yet. The factive uses a different name to her but still is heavily connected to her appearance wise..

- 🦋🐛

:0 Do you want to tell her? If she knows about systems she might understand more than if she doesn't, but I honestly would understand being surprised by being told someone has a factive of me. It's understandable for her to still identify with her appearance. I would think about if you want to tell her, and if so, why you want to, and weigh your options. There's nothing to be ashamed about, but I can see why it may make things awkward and could make your ex uncomfortable, even if she's accepting. Best of luck either way!

[clover-cdd-confessions]

I’ve pondered about whether or not we could be poly-fragmented, but our system is an OSDD-1B system, and due to the lack of amnesia between switches, I feel like we don’t have enough amnesia to be poly-fragmented (if that makes any sense.) We experience heavy amnesia when it comes to our childhood, and we usually only learn things from flashbacks, what other people have told us, videos, and pictures. I think we tend to split easily (it could be splitting from medias we indulge in, if we’re in distress—feel unsafe, etc), and I’ve discovered a ton of fragments. The fragments don’t have names, don’t really interact with the system, seem to only appear in our headspace for specific reasons, and are sometimes blended with other parts if one is fronting. I cannot recall the amount of times I’ve come across parts that aren’t distinct, or that one would approach us (they have their own voices, or sound a bit like another part, have very vague appearances, and usually perform specific roles.) We know they’re fragments because they don’t have distinct or definite identities. We haven’t found any sources that say OSDD-1B systems can be poly-fragmented, and they say that we would have DID, even though we don’t fit the full criteria for DID (in amnesia aspects, specifically between switches, and fronting.) - ✂️

Edit: this ask was addressed in another ask, two posts above this one!

Hmm, I also have never heard of an OSDD-1b system being polyfragmented, and I know that the term itself is complicated, but then again, the distinction between OSDD-1 and DID is not always clear. That's curious that you would have a large number of fragments. I know it's definitely possible for OSDD-1b to have fragments, but yes, I tend to see a lot of fragments in polyfragmented systems...I'm not sure I can give any specific advice, but if any polyfrag systems or systems with a similar experience can relate, please feel free to share! Regardless of the specific labels and how confusing that can be to sort out, there's nothing wrong with the way your system works. Sorry I couldn't offer more advice, anon!

[clover-cdd-confessions]

Hi, I wanted to give a quick apology. Don't worry, I'm not quitting, but I went on a break for my mental health due to having to leave a bad situation irl and I'm still dealing with the fallout. I have every intent of continuing this account, but I want to make sure I can provide a space for people without compromising my mental health, which means my activity may be sporadic. I hope you all understand and have a great day <3

[clover-cdd-confessions]

"sysmed" and "traumascum" are truly repulsive terms. The mental disorder you're cosplaying is, shocker, a disorder.

disorders are medical issues. just because you feel entitled to the parts of a disorder you find fun doesn't make the disorder less of a disorder.

[clover-cdd-confessions]

Sorry for not being active! I promise I do see that I have some asks but I haven't had the spoons to answer them recently :( I haven't forgotten about this blog, and asks are still 100% open! It just may take me a while to get to them

[clover-cdd-confessions]

For now I'm going to add new signoffs by default, so let me know if you don't want yours added!