clumsyjester

[clumsyjester]

i remember seeing a post talking about “someone is randomly assigned grief when there is nobody to grieve them” as an explanation for random sadness and every time my heart feels a little heavier than usual i think of that

[clumsyjester]

like ive been stuck in such a terrible cycle, and im definitely not as bad as i used to be but im definitely not doing my best and atp i just make so many excuses for myself and i struggle to push myself to do anything because im just too comfortable sitting in my own failures and sadness

[clumsyjester]

A while back my pharmacist saw my deadname on my profile and accidentially called it out, he corrected and deleted my deadname from the system so only my preferred name shows up now. There was a crowd of people behind me, so as he hands over the pills he apologized, in equal tone and volume as when he called my deadname and lied saying it's been a long day and he didn't mean to call out -his own- name. I quietly told him it was fine and he didn't need to do that for my sake.

His response: "No, it's my name now."

I went to the pharmacist yesterday, his nametag is my deadname. He informed me he's immigrating and in the process he's changed his first name to my deadname to have an English sounding name. That's why he's now able to get a reprint of his nametag to be my deadname. And repeated, with the intense seriousness of someone who is going to die on this hill: "It's mine now. Not yours. I'm taking." His tone indicated that decision is final.

Bro literally deadnamed me once, and has committed to flat out stealing my deadname. It's his now. Legally. Officially. I over heard his co-workers call him by the name.

[clumsyjester]

im so tired of being sad all the time but it’s all i know

[clumsyjester]

[clumsyjester]

i just want to feel pretty once in my life

[clumsyjester]

i never though i’d be scared of being home alone, but the amount of intrusive thoughts i keep getting is insane

[clumsyjester]

i said something that upset my lover last night, but we talked it out and we were okay afterwards, but i felt uneasy because im not used to things being so easy. im worried he’s secretly mad at me but i know he isn’t.

[clumsyjester]

i love reblogging posts. like haha. it's mine now

[clumsyjester]

The thing about ADHD is that the "lack of reward chemicals in your brain" doesn't just mean that you don't want to do any tasks that don't feel particularly yummy :(, it means that your brain will look at chores and tasks that need to be done like "doing this would be painful and tedious for absolutely nothing to gain from it, Do Not Do That." The same thing that your brain tells you about everything else that would feel really bad and hurt the entire time that you're dying. The part of your brain that stops you from doing the thing is the same part that keeps you from shoving your arm into a wood chipper.

With unmedicated, unmanaged ADHD, "I have to do this assignment or I fail and my life will be ruined and I die" feels like a SAW trap, every single time.

[clumsyjester]

i love being able to be myself around my lover but i still get scared that he won’t like me even though he’s seen the Real Me a million times. but what if this time it finally happens .

[clumsyjester]

extremely fucked up that one of the symptoms of adhd is forgetfulness and difficulty sticking to habits and schedules and one of the best ways to alleviate those symptoms is by remembering to take a pill every morning at the same time

[clumsyjester]

im very insane in relationships and having a lover thats very secure and normal is so healing but also very annoying. ill feel so stupid for overthinking, but he validates me and im surprised every time. im so lucky to have him

[clumsyjester]

when i was 7, my mom made me record her voicemail. i recorded myself saying her name, and made it her voicemail. she told me she was happy with it and that she loved my voice. years later, her voicemail remains the same, but only because she doesn’t know how to change it, and i can’t let go of what we once had.

[clumsyjester]

it sucks when my mom acts like a teenager, but then i realize shes also just a girl and not just my mom. but im also her daughter and i need my mom

[clumsyjester]

i hate being told to clean, i was looking forward to clean my room today and my mother tells me to clean it and now im unhappy and cleaning my room

[clumsyjester]

i can’t help but feel stupid when the littlest thing makes me cry, its a curse to feel everything so deeply