cluster-bitch-disorder

[cluster-bitch-disorder]

How.. am I supposed to stop being so guarded?

Right now I'm sitting on this ephemeral thought I'm trying to keep hold of. Like

There was nothing to open up about before, I was direct and open about everything. I didn't feel the need to hide my thoughts or likes/dislikes, all that. Closing up and putting walls got beaten into me over and over again.

Gross catch 22 now where no one wants to be close to me because I don't open up, but I don't open up for people I'm not close to. You see the issue?

Is it even fair to want to forego relationships where I feel people are subject to leave due to my lack of importance? I feel bad when I'm not even considered.

I wanna run off to an unreal somewhere where people adore me as much as I adore them, and I wanna run from situations where I'll get attached to people who could easily do without me.

What a shitty world.

[cluster-bitch-disorder]

Stop just gesturing towards half-baked sugar-coated sentiments. Make the fucking words mean something with action or say nothing at all. I'm sick of getting attached to people who do not understand words mean nothing when behavior conflicts with them.

I've been lied to before.

[cluster-bitch-disorder]

t shirt that says i survived hell and all i got was this stupid personality disorder

[cluster-bitch-disorder]

Unfortunately, I think stigmatised disorder (personality disorders, psychotic disorders, etc) culture is realising something you experience has a name and finally feeling seen, but you go to google it for more resources and only find people talking about how horrible and morally evil you are for daring to have that symptom you never chose in the first place.

[cluster-bitch-disorder]

The whole, "K*lling urself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem" bullshit is spouted by the ignorant lucky ones who have only had temporary problems. Some people's problems are permanent so maybe try offering actual help and support to them rather than regurgitating an overused phrase that means nothing to people with real struggles.

[cluster-bitch-disorder]

I know I'm unlovable, I just sometimes like to pretend that I'm not

[cluster-bitch-disorder]

Not having a great time realizing I hit the nail on the head with the BPD/NPD mix speculation. Makes too much sense.

Kinda feel like a monster, I won't lie.

I isolate myself alot, usually its over feeling unwanted and testing the theory, but its dawning on me how I genuinely make the lives of the people I meet far worse than they would've been without me. I'm genuinely a problem.

Absolute embodyment of a bottomless pit, and I use everyone as collateral in an attempt to be emotionally filled.

I mean, I've had this urge, or ideology, or maladaptive whatever, of feeling the need to stop myself before letting my emotions towards anyone else be anything more than base level casual friendship, so maybe that was my subconcious talking?

I think I should start putting a plan in motion to start cutting everyone off. I think I need to disappear before I fuck over anyone else's life.

[cluster-bitch-disorder]

I just dont know how I'm not supposed to be deeply hurt when people I was that close to begin to downgrade me in relationship status. When we go from close enough we could share things like that, to so distant that you forget to include me in something I was always there for-

The emotionally mature responce is to just accept it and move on right? Fuck that. Move on to who? And just accept at any moment people will outgrow me? That I have to strain myself to let anyone get so close to me then accept they'll leave for something more shiny? That if I'm too inconveniencing for too long they wont even bother to communicate it, they'll just give up and convince themselves I'm cruel for a misunderstanding?

Just seeing everything I do with the worst interpretation. It always comes back to that huh.

Maybe I should just be alone. If it always ends like this. Its easier to just get comfortable with the empty feeling than let my heart regrow and get torn out over and over and over again.

I miss them alot. Its not even officially over, but I think I already know what they'll say, and I'm just not looking forward to it.

Im really exhausted. I won't even be able to look back on the good moments anymore. I loose claim to past happiness.

[cluster-bitch-disorder]

I'm starting to think that despite whatever anyone says about relationships being work, its more just luck. If youre lucky, you find someone who meshes with your pros and cons and quirks and all that shit. If youre unlucky, which I guess is most of the time, you get maybe a handful of years before the relationship goes sour because they can't put up with you anymore.

I just feel I'm not really worth it either.

[cluster-bitch-disorder]

Don't cry because it's over.

Be angry about everything that they took from you.

[cluster-bitch-disorder]

people when i warn them my mental illnesses cause me to have inappropriate emotional responses: 👍🏻

people when i show those inappropriate emotional responses:

[cluster-bitch-disorder]

FATHER'S DAUGHTER

[cluster-bitch-disorder]

I think its fucking nasty the way someone can say that you're one of their best friends and just not fucking mean it even remotely. I think that's like actually immoral on some level, to set up someone to that expectation that they're important to you only to pull the rug up at a moment's inconvience.

Or allowing someone to stitch you into the fabric of their life then decide you just aren't really feeling it anymore (or maybe you just found more entertaining people to be around) so now we have to start ripping the thread out, and they just have to live with that now.

Why do you think I don't try to make friends anymore?

It's unhealthy to rely on people, right? I shouldn't let anyone get that close, yea?

This is fucking bullshit.