co-chceme

[co-chceme]

A Brief List of All I Want to Need

Eid is a full day of intertwining my soul with friends, family and food. But something about a conversation I had with a friend earlier in the week that drained me. Maybe ‘drain’ is not the word, it doesn’t feel like it, but it’s close to it.

I think, with the things I have gone through I have developed a wall, taller than I intended it to be, and thicker than it ought to be. But I’m fine, I understand why it is there, and I want it to be there. If this wall had a short blurb in front of it, like many great works of art, it would say something like “A physical manifestation of how you should not, and do not, need a lot”. All that I need is within myself, and if there is anything from the outside I need, I should build it on my own.

The friend I had a conversation with was the friend who left me feeling disposed of and replaceable for a whole year - but damn, I wouldnt trade that year for a single thing, I found peace in my own mind. I don’t blame him though, he has issues to deal with it as well, I was just unlucky enough to be in close proximity to a ticking time bomb that went off back then. I don’t hate him, somewhere in the back of my mind I worry if I will never stop caring for him, despite it all. Damn, how far am I willing to corrode myself for others, exchanging fragments of my soul for the idea that I am a constant in your life? I might be wrong but despite all this, and the fact that this looks so bad in writing, I like that about myself. i do not think I am meant to live for only me - my purpose runs deeper, to be kind, and to make the life of those around me just a little bit easier. God knows, its already difficult as it is. Did I mean it when I said I’ll always be your friend? I hope I did, I really hope I did. Not for you, but to live up to the idea of me in my head.

So back to this conversation, something about sexuality, something about accepting ourselves as who we are, something about you telling me, simultaneously indirectly and directly, that I am someone who you would settle down with, if you were to ever settle down with somebody. If you had told me this a year ago I wouldve loved you. But this wall has been built, and the landscape of myself could never be changed again. I don’t think we are meant for each other. I do not want us to be, frankly. I am not a backup plan, I am not someone who will always be on your horizon no matter what you do to me, however noble that sounds. There is so much, as i said, I can exchange my soul for, but I would rather fade into oblivion, then see the fragments of myself that I have given you be taken for granted - I value it too much. and I do not need you to have it.

But these walls, they are so high, I am happy here and I do not want to be anywhere else, but it is lonely. That, in itself is a problem because the cure to my loneliness, should also be in these walls. But as much as I want it to be, I have come to the realisation that maybe, inside these walls, there is a latch, that could open the door and allow the things I want to need to come in, A brief list of people and things that would pass.

My parents. If the world was crumbling down, despite our differences, and despite our fights, my last thoughts will be of you. Infinitely, if it is true that your life will flash before your eyes in the suspension of time before you cease to exist in the world, my thoughts will be of how my mother, behind the tough love she gives, there is tenderness and a never ending field of warmth - I want to exist infinitely there. It will be thoughts of my father, silently passing on love letters to his children through prayers to God, and never asking for recognition for all the things he does for us, through the difficult times you storm, without even a sigh, you take on so many things on your own so that we never have to worry. To say I am eternally grateful is an understatement. My last thoughts, my last breath, anything remotely worthwhile in my life, they are yours, and I need you to keep it safe.

God. More than sometimes, I wonder if I deserve the things You have blessed me with, and I continue to be ignorant of the duties You asked me to fulfill. I keep on asking for more and more. But despite me being unable to show up for You, You have never, ever, let me down. especially the times where I need You the most. You would not have to be let in these walls because You have always been apart of me. Writing this down, I am questioning myself - how ignorant am I to say I am alone, when you have been there all along, and keeping me safe more than I keep myself safe? In the silent of the night, in the depth of my loneliness, You are always there, to say I need you is extraordinarily inaccurate, it is an understatement to say the least, considering all my life and everything that comes after, I desperately need your help, your redha, and your forgiveness.

My siblings, you are included. My sisters, and my brother. Who am I if not for our cycle of bullying? You show me everyday that to love is a conscious decision to stay, and it will be difficult, but it is an active choice, and its deliberately choosing to come back, even when I dont feel like it, even when I dont want to do it. But I will always need you to choose me, I will do the same, over and over again.

Inside these walls, it isnt as lonely now. I have realised I am never alone, nor thrown to the sharks. I am loved, and I love in return, without needing it to be reciprocated. But I know these 3 bulletpoints on my list love me back. Knowing this, I find comfort, and I find a home, I find myself, and in these walls, its never a bad place to be in with my little circle that I want to need, and I actually do in fact, desperately do.

[co-chceme]

haha

If I write it down and see my words in the flesh, maybe it will leave my mind and out to wherever it wants to go. I hope it goes anywhere but back to me.

Why is it a curse to be someone you dont want to hurt. or a friendship you dont want to jeapordise. A friend you hold close to you, is also a friend you dont want to risk losing. So essentially, theres no way but to lean back and watch as sooner or later, we drift apart. Either that, or we give it a go and risk it all. Whats the price for my existence in your life? It feels like I’m paying it on my own.

Maybe (I’m pretty sure) deep inside me I know I’m not for you, just like you’re not for me. Romantically that is. We’re better off as friends, I tell myself all the time. But no matter how much I hate some things you do and say, how much I watch your red flags fly, why do I stay close despite it all? Moving on and letting go is probably easier said than done. 5 years, and I’m still hung up on you, and no matter what I still get the shorter end of the stick. At this point, I willingly give myself the shorter end, just so you have it better. 

When I think of it now, I will deal with it on my own. There are versions of me I have yet to meet and fall in love with. Moments filled with light and love in my path, just waiting for me to reach it. There is going to be a future where I don’t think of you anymore, where I go where I am loved, and I am wanted, and I am worth the leap of faith. This feeling is temporary, everything is. I want to belong to myself, thats who I want to hold onto. In time, with patience, everything will dissolve and evaporate into nothing. So will this feeling thats stuck in my chest.

[co-chceme]

I write sins not five page research papers

[co-chceme]

[co-chceme]

[co-chceme]

On Uncertainty

Our conversation started with something about roads ending and starting, junctions and crossroads - was there talk about the fear of the unknown? There should be.

If I’m being honest, the past few years feel like I’ve been hanging off a cliff and holding on to its edges with the tip of my fingers, not knowing how long the fall is or where I will land, or even if I will land at all.

I’ve known one of my closest friends since we were 18, it feels like I grew up with her. 3 years ago I would have never imagined where we are now and in 3 years time, I couldn’t imagine where we will be. I stare into the ceiling of my big girl uni room and I realise if someone asked me where I was going to be in 3 years when I was 14, I would’ve known with certainty where I would be, what I’d be doing and where I’d be living. I cannot say the same now.

My 3 year plan is to go about my days, fully appreciating that my life is and will be a cumulative of mundane moments, with strikes of excitement and disappointment, of which I will grow, learn and have fun in, which makes even the most basic things I do feel worth doing because it is my life, and I do not think I get another chance at the moments that make up for it. In 3 years, I do not know where I will be, or even, who I will be, but I think I would rather focus on what happens in the process of the years summing up rather than the end product. I hope to find it exciting one day, rather than daunting, or terrifying, or tiring, and I hope I become acutely aware of all I take for granted.

Our conversation ended with maybe we don’t have to reach anywhere, maybe there will always be somewhere to be, so maybe what matters the most is what you learn and observe on the road. And maybe there will be unchartered paths, unknown or not, there’s always so much to see. 

[co-chceme]

the way all perfect men decide to live on the other side of the world from me.....demonic

[co-chceme]

I love expressing myself via spending money

[co-chceme]

[co-chceme]

For the better

[co-chceme]

[co-chceme]

today i learned that according to the New York Post, “Forty-two percent of women have experienced period-shaming, with one in five being made to have these feelings because of comments made by a male friend.” (x)

[co-chceme]

IG: @quirinerose

[co-chceme]

People: are you ok?

Me: yea

[co-chceme]

You can give without loving, but you can never love without giving.

Victor Hugo, Les Misérables (via suspend)

[co-chceme]

[co-chceme]