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I am beautiful. 

I am opening/ sharing myself/ am more embracing/comfortable/and confident in myself each day. This morning, I am even more loving of myself than I was yesterday. Because I acknowledge my intentions, traits, hearts intentions to foster love and connection around me, 

while sexual energy is fun and enlivening and beautiful, 

for sex to be fully nourishing and w/o me feeling like I’m giving myself away, it has to be grounded in true friendship, mutual respect, admiration, and love. 

I am holding out for this. And my dedication to this is empowering and has me in integrity with my self value/worth, which becomes part of my energy field. 

The attention others offer/have with me feels nice, but it doesn’t create or take away from how I think about myself. 

I noticed to does help me feel more affirmed see/believe even more

I’ve felt/shared love here with others, and that to me has been most valuable. In a group setting. Sense of community, family, friends. Togetherness. Support. 

I’m savoring each moment here now. With these people. 

self leadership is something I’m noticing myself practicing in my daily being. Like I want to act in accordance with what I know is best, 

Sitting with the anxious feelings I feel around men,  and women in their power (in their knowing) and beautiful women,  And feminine women  Reflecting on my dad... the positive role he’s played in my life. the unforgivingness / withholding of love / victimization  I recognize that I love my dad. It feels better to love than to  Do not mistake my choice of loving you as a pardon for the past.  I would like it if the past could be acknowledged, my part spoken - for myself, and that by doing so we can build a  I can speak like an adult to him now. I am not a child, as he has spoken about and seemingly viewed me before.  Granted, part of my has felt/acted like it, for the triggering being around his condescending, judging demeanor and perspective.  It was hard to be around that and not let it consume me. It felt like a constant sense of pressure, to do something, 

It was consuming and overwhelming - on top of the feelings I was feeling/trying to deal with how I thought/felt about myself. 

But, I think his view has changed in how he sees me also, now that I’m not at home anymore. 

   A lot of my 20′s post college was spent at home, stressing about what I’m doing/what I’m not doing, feeling isolated, alone,  I see this chapter of my life and see that it was hard to see hope when I was around what I’ve always known, and what was familiar. And around the same people. Hardly a one that afforded me an example of the type of being/ energy/ integrity, power, and strong love that I sought. - Justin’s parents/family was an exception. Their embracing of me with open arms, giving me work to do, seeing where I was at and holding me compassionately... was medicine for me. That at least someone wasn’t judging me or wrapped up in worry.  The part of me that was inspired by life and saw only possibility was wanting to spread her wings 

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Reflections

what have I gained/realized so far in my stay here on Maui...

[in my relation to myself, about myself in relation to the world, my understanding of the world/people] 

Im feeling tired at the prospect of sifting and writing reflections out, so I’m just going to sift through my day today and see where that leads me.

I took my first solo drive today to get groceries, and being out on my own allowed me to experience myself and my surroundings in a new way since i’ve been here. It helped me see how much of my attention is often focused on the dynamics of our group, or what others might think of me/prevelance of self consciousness/blocking.  On my own, I didn’t have to worry about that and could really take in my environment in a fuller way.  I want to ‘listen’ to and notice my thoughts more. In my want/intention to develop myself and my worldview, it’s important that I can be connected with myself and environment in a way that’s not so distracted --- that I may actually see and think w/o fear of expression. 

So, I would love more time being out on my own here (away from homestead and the roles/energies that’s been developed here). It allows me to be a clean slate once again - being anonymous -  and re-assess/+refigure/recalibrate myself in the freedom of that space. 

Being on my on own 

I was also reflecting on my own/away from family/home and how it’s been allowing me to reassess the past in a space that’s separate from my old/familiar identity... college area, home. 

what do I want to focus on most right now? + planning. 

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If you come to me at this moment Your minutes will become hours Your hours will become days And your days will become a lifetime. Gregory Colbert

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by Maria Babintseva

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As long as you feel like you’re doing the right thing, then in the long run that’s all that’s gonna matter. Because you’re the one that has to lie awake at night alone in bed and think about your life. And if you have compromised your life, you’ll know.

Ingrid Michaelson (via cleverwordsandotherstuffilike)

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Movement is good for the body. Stillness is good for the mind.

Sakyong Mipham (via aspiritualwarrior)

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Own your story. There are lessons --> power, healing, and a return to self that happens when we do this.

Self love, forgiveness, deep compassion, re-cognizing, reparenting that happens when we do this.  The eyes we see, feel, and speak through are our most powerful 

looking back, I can see where the painful experiences I went through, and the perceptions I myself to be in.  I want to help the people of the world through harnessing the power of their mindset, and the felt knowing of their intuition (authenticity). And use them to ACT in the world,  Who is the woman I know is me?  We have a shorter amount of time left. While there is still a want to be close with him, I want to use this time to 

- equally sift better understanding of the past, clear past wounds, acknowledge feelings, speak truths, to reconcile and hold  -

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Let me be Awake, God.

No more obsession.  Insecurity about how he will see me in the company of others - how my thoughts of inadequacy in relation to how I view him, and how I feel he will judge me (how I’ll judge myself) based on my own self perception. Energetically it’s challenging to not regard/ see people the way they see themselves, as they present. You could say our perception is our open invitation to the world.  In essence, that he’ll see me the way I see me. 

Imagine feeling inadequate/stupid/like people/friends will wonder why he is with me if we were to be partners. My judgement/perception around my conversation navigation, feeling inadequate about my knowledge base/way of conversing/ my habitual mannerisms (sensational), I see very clearly what my self image has been. 

Feelings of immaturity - that I am not as secure in my self,  This makes me want to be tough, to compensate. And also to emulate strength for myself. To regain a sense of power over feeling weak. 

Can see my relationship with other women being in affect.  Also then him likely being attracted to other women for their confidence, looks, ownership. 

I had feelings that this wont last. Like he will see all my messiness and level of insecurity, and change his mind. But before he would see any of that, that was an underlying energy in my being/interactions. And these little blips are partly from my part of the equation. 

(thoughts about how I have conversation, 

Yet I also feel improved in many aspects of myself in his company, - that he calls forth in me ways I want to more be.* And is one of the fruits I value from our relationship. 

* (either by inspiration, and natural acclimation/response to him) * aspects/feelings like- I feel considered. I feel alive being with someone who does things, and pursues his dreams, and plans... that life is being lived. And that dreams/ideas/wants are possible. Any and all of them.  I love how capable he is in most everything- bringing a sense of safety and security and trust in any situation.  I love the playfulness that’s there between us. Sense of humor, shared. 

Can we be friends as friendship feels right to me? realistically without 

What’s needed

People who can hold me in a positive light, and help me develop that in myself. If that means I let go of  HEalthy, uncomplicated * means cutting off romantic intimacy feelings *feels like a breakup. (would be/is a transition) - would need to cool from connecting since it’s too close to the line of intimacy/rawness at this time (being close as of lately)

I must let the idea of us go with 100% sincerity to truly be free. 

To say this feels like I’m giving up on what I’ve wanted (any maybe that was part of the problem), and instead giving into (accepting) the ideas of my insecurities as a greater force or truth. But I cant ignore the anxiety I keep experiencing, and the swings I experience mentally when there is a perceived slight. Or the feeling of inadequacy in certain regards that I feel are important in a good relationship. It tells me that this isn’t right at this time. And I don’t know how to work through it while still exploring the potential of future involvement with one another.  Having 

I’ve recognized that having a friendship state of mind changes things. And still, when getting  

There has long been a part of me that has wanted his affection, approval, and admiration. *proving as validation/feeling special, and worthy and respected/regarded with admiration. In many ways, he has been the judge I’ve used regarding myself. Because I wanted him to love me, more than I wanted to love me or could love me. He should be a beneficiary of my right self perception (love), not the source. 

Understanding this about myself, I question whether we (or I) can have any sort of healthy, free from bondage (in-right-place) relationship with him (including friendship) given the amount of accumulated that has taken place around this over time. With that consideration, it may prove challenging, but  I would need to be in good management/relationship of those needs/perceptions of myself, especially in relationship to him. That would require time, experience to feel into that. But there is opportunity on this trip to reclaim that more myself. Choosing not to visit on this trip... is that a reaction to my perception of this moment.  No there were flags - last phone call -response to my anxiety change in manner of text somewhat  lack of response at night lack of response to initial message. 

Friendship can be a choice, if it means I’m choosing my want for my As much as choosing to be friends with to myself is a choice. It would be a true change in myself, in how I am around him. I would not be flirty, or as playful. It would feel too close. 

And  I’ve wanted to avoid the pain of this recognition, and other recognitions. 

Instead I’ve wondered if there was anything I could do to shift my perspective.  I don’t want it to get to a point where he feels indifferent, non value, or sees me on my deepest level of insecurity, and then leaves because that is actually how he’s adopted to see me. 

I have been avoiding that. 

And had adopted a persona that managed/masked/ & compensated for those feelings/thoughts. 

I am responding to thoughts/feelings that I get in relation to him. Whether 

The severity of my reactions, and the depth of feeling stripped away at any perceived slights, and where that takes me, has me needing to be very real with myself. About where I’m at and what’s best needed for myself. 

While I share all of this, I accept that this is something I experience. It does not define me or make me weak. It doesn’t diminish my strengths or fortitude or capacity to believe/see myself differently. 

Is time in Hawaii with him a good idea?  Sometimes it feels like it could be - like I could be friends Other times it doesn’t.  I wouldn’t want the intention of friendship to mean that there would be  I’m wanting to hold onto a friendship when some part of it feels like a breakup, a letting go of old ways of being, so that internal freedom can be first, and then real friendship can exist. 

I don’t want this trip

Maybe stay a week and see how it is. If it’s not great then I can head home afterwards. And then find an apartment somehwere warm. 

i need to show who I am. Or rather BE who I am. * This has led me to touch clarity... thank you contrast. 

I get to embrace the unknown, and trust my guidance. 

I need to not come home for a long time. I will not be in this environment.  And rather be growing, continuously. 

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His initial response was something I thought he might actually be feeling. sarcastic tone and all. The bite in that feels abusive. Violent. Disregard. Exactly what I seemed to have feared. Isn’t that IRONIC? No.. it’s not. 

The anxiety I feel.  The inadequate feelings I get being around him.  The sense of  I need to take care of my mental health and take care of my wellbeing.  I do not want my trip/intentions for growth and self renewal disrupted. Knowing the mental turns I can take in relation to him (the significant affect he has on my emotions), I want to avoid being overcome at all costs from any confusion, conflict. 

This means being honest about my feelings. - about my dis

And protecting myself from any further intimate involvement. 

What then is the best way to go forward with this person? with that portion of the trip?  This is more a relationship for me to reclaim my power from it’s opinion over me, more than for me to be with him. I don’t believe we are for eachother. If that is not true, then I trust the Universe will make that evident to me or us both. But unless that becomes apparent, I know this is not for me at this time, if ever. This feels like a big letting go... and I don’t know how to be with him, with this inbetween of feeling the p

Before there was this inbetween feeling of wanting Can it be a supportive force in my life? How? 

By my accepting that it’s 

I feel trapped inside my old persona. like the bitch needs to be released. she is so pissed from being a “good girl”. Nice. in her attempts to be kind, and be liked. And being dismissed as some fucking little fucking girl. Afterthought, because she’s just nice. Forget it. No more niceties. I don’t want this experience to Jade me, and it feels like a fine line between taking no more shit and not giving a shit anymore. > I choose accepting no more shit, and voicing my experience.  Maybe it’s not that he doesn’t care (and maybe he actually doesn't care, self reflected) it’s that I don’t feel myself in this relationship. Or really any relationship.

And it’s fucking lonesome, disconnecting. My life feels like shit. My parents I barely connect with relate to. I can’t stand them half the time, I just see all the things I don’t want to be and the reasons why I’m angry and weak and and all the things I didn't get from them. I know I’m focusing on the negative, and it’s not the spiral to go down. It’s not their fault, but I feel I will spend every last dollar (even though I’m afraid to spend money, HAH) to get away from here. From everything.  I need to go. get away. God be with me. Make me strong. Make me resilient. Help me to be courageous, and kind, and proud of myself. To do actual good in the world. Let me find meaningful purpose. Let me be an example in the world. Let me surprise myself beyond my wildest dreams. Let me live into my highest potential. That the most. Let me feel empowered. Let me be disciplined. Let me know real love and pride and value and confidence in myself.  Let me run that marathon. Hike that mountain. Surf that wave. Kiss that deeply. Know true love for myself, the world, and others. Dig into the grit of my soul and know I can HANDLE THIS SHIT. I AM MORE THAN THIS FUCKING MOMENT. DO YOU HEAR ME? I WILL SET NEW RECORDS WITH THIS WILL. I AM MORE THAN ENOUGH. I am enough. I am enough. I am enough. I am more than enough. I am flawed and perfect. I am flawed and perfect. I am flawed and perfect. I am flawed and beautiful. I am flawed and beautiful. Nice girl is gone. She is gone. You don’t get her anymore. She has an interview process now. You get to apply if you really want to work with her, but you’re not accepted until you pass the interview phase and uphold your value in my company. Standards have been upgraded now, for herself and those in her life. Her time is limited. Best of luck to you, I hope you apply earnestly. 

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Whatever I do without feeling has no value.

Anaïs Nin, from her diary, as seen in the introduction to A Literate Passion: Letters of Anaïs Nin & Henry Miller, 1932-1953 (via blissmist)

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A quote to change how you wake up, every morning:

“The Navajo teach their children that every morning when the sun comes up, it’s a brand-new sun. It’s born each morning, it lives for the duration of one day, and in the evening it passes on, never to return again. As soon as the children are old enough to understand, the adults take them out at dawn and they say, ‘The sun has only one day. You must live this day in a good way, so that the sun won’t have wasted precious time.’ Acknowledging the preciousness of each day is a good way to live, a good way to reconnect with our basic joy.” ~ Pema Chödrön

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Contemplations

I don’t want to lose him- is a fear that pops up for me.  Fear that he will decide against me, and that thought creates self sabotaging energy (via anticipating at times). Triggers feelings of unworthiness, 

 I can communicate this to ease it in the moment, by letting my anxiety be known instead of trying to wrestle through it myself or feeling I need to hide my insecurity. 

But I don’t feel ready for a relationship in some senses -  I want to clean up my life. My relationships, with others and myself. I don’t know if I can do that with him...  Declared friends for now. My focus is on my life, not on cultivating love with another, as much as I want it.  I can cultivate a loving friendship right now, and we can grow that way. Will being close that way trigger me still, knowing that the want is there the want is there, but I don’t feel fully ready for it.  I want to become the One, for Myself, and for Him.  My life, self relationship, and friendships are my project this year. Being in Energetic readiness and welcoming of my hearts desires.  Life- clarity in aims in all aspects, Doing the things that create that, doing things with a sense of purpose, engaging in fun and meaningful activities, pursuing interests, making 

Friendships- love, support, and belief from my friends will help me get there. And the joy of loving and supporting them. They are my practice ground for loving. Tending to these nourishing channels because they matter to me. 

Work bears fruit. 

Love belongs to all of us. 

Doing the work to make my life ready for it.  I’m going to use this time to do the work in my life. To Deepen my practice and put 

I apply myself towards what I desire, until I see it through. I want this for me, how I’ll feel in my life, and the subsequent people and opportunities it will attract. I am well on this path. Self leadership. 

Let’s see what we can create with our friendship together in Hawaii. And presently. 

Curiosity. Exploring, while focusing on self. Set things to work on in Kauai. Intend to be myself fully. No self consciousness. 

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Sam Harris discusses mindfulness and real world reality in wake of Capitol Hill insurrection

“If you think there is something about meditation - successful meditation- if you think there’s something about cutting through the illusion of the self, or recognizing the nature of mind prior to concepts... if you think there’s a necessary contradiction between that project, and caring about the kinds of problems I’m talking about now, you are confused. There is nothing incompatible about mindfulness and not wanting to lose a cyberwar, say. There is no contradiction between what I’m saying now, and how I’m saying it, and the practices of worldview I present in Waking Up [app]. You may disagree with some points I’m making here, and there are probably several worth debating. But if you think that meditative insight should cause one not to care about the implosion of our democracy, or of our ongoing failure to deal with civilizational challenges... if you think we get to not care about the world we’re building, or wrecking... the world our children will be condemned to live in, it’s time to take your head out of your ass.  ...and if you think I can’t say that mindfully, or mean that mindfully, in this very tone of voice... if you think it’s impossible for me to be mindful right now - non dualistically mindful - free of self mindful - even as I tell you to take your head out of your ass, then you are confused about what mindfulness is - and about what meditation is. And about the whole project about what living an examined life, is.  You have mistaken a style of communication - an anodyne, religious, or new-agey communication and a pseudo-ethic around being as inoffensive as possible for the goal of spiritual life. 

Yes there are some apparent paradoxes here, but there should be no confusion. Yes it is possible to be free and happy in almost any circumstance; I believe that is true. In challenging situations, that is an immense strength, born of meditation, and is available to everyone. But that doesn’t mean that we should acquiesce to the ruination of everything. to the breakdown of society. If we find ourselves living in some hell-scape, out of the road warrior movies, yes it will still be possible to meditate and to feel compassion for oneself and others, and to find equanimity - that is a capacity of the human mind that will not go away. But we are right to not want to see things totally fall apart in our society. If your practice of meditation is making you unable to take problems of civilizational importance seriously- well then you may be managing your own stress well, but you’re no good to us. What we need now are people who understand their own minds and who also understand the world. I studied with some of the greatest meditation masters who were alive at the end of the 20th century - these were extraordinary teachers. but they didn’t know a damn thing about most of what I talk about on this podcast. If they were alive today, they still wouldn’t, and it’s a very good thing that people like that aren’t in charge of our cyber war capabilities, because then we wouldn’t have any. We have to play this game on multiple levels. If you don’t understand that we need to mount a competent response to the challenges we face on a hundred fronts, then you’re not really getting what I’m teaching on Waking Up [app]. 

You can’t let meditation turn you into a new-age goofball who just burns incense and thinks the universe is one big mystery, and that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes things happen for bad fucking reasons. and a whole generation, or generations, lose the most basic capacity for order and for getting what they want in life, and lose good things they didn’t need to lose. Sometimes the barbarians really do come through the gates. Yes, we can always have conversations about the fundamental nature of reality. We can have them here in this circumstance, of relative order and prosperity - or we can take important things for granted; where I can have a podcast and you can have a smartphone on which to hear it. Or we can contemplate reality after we’ve bombed and hacked and surveiled and abused ourselves back into the dark ages. K, the nature of consciousness is available everywhere - even in a cave; Many great contemplatives found it in a cave. But I would prefer to not have to live in one, because the world has become a Kormac McCarthy novel. And you would prefer it too. No matter how much you meditate. There is simply no contradiction between the deep insight of the nature of mind, and getting our shit together out in the world.”  https://static.samharris.org/Making_Sense_230_The_Capitol.mp3?fbclid=IwAR1qU9666l4OprpYB0E6ngylvS7s6eJL4dmut6gMXZg5dwY5rqPtYKx9Tto 

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Relationships

A major key to upholding My Job is to Love Myself, and to receive/accept love from others, in knowing of my worthiness -- Knowing they [are able to] reflect the love that is within me. 

Take the attention off him, and begin to focus on your own life, your empowerment, and how energized/gratified you are in life. Nourish and Vitalize your soul/relationships/life. Live on Purpose. 

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Shadow

The unconscious, repressed and usually judged part of one’s self.   

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More relationship stuff.

You are on a path, I believe that we never fully heal from something, neither we should strive to do this as it puts extra pressure on us. I feel that being able to recognize your patterns and talking about them is amazing already. Maybe you can ask yourself questions about how you feel when you engage in this kind of behavior, what triggers this, what needs of yours are you not meeting, what would happen if you focus your attention on you at that specific moment. Distracting the mind is a tool that is also used when we are focusing too much on one thing, we give the mind something else to focus on instead. Try it. Lots of love!

 I know a lot of people are not willing to do this but if you really want to escape the emptiness then you need to fill the void with authenticity, your own authentic self. 

You should also read into attachment styles! That turned on a big light for me to help me understand my patterns in relationships. I related to anxious attachment, so I can relate to this. It’s rooted in the fear of abandonment, and that will run every relationship into the ground. I would fear being rejected (get anxious and self sabotage) and then get rejected. Lol a cycle I’m glad to be free of. When you get anxious ask your inner child what is she feeling? What is she scared of? Get to know your inner child she needs you. 

Everything changed for me when I realized my relationships were all mirroring my own wounds, fears of abandonment and past traumas. Then I started to work on healing my inner child. I stopped going back and fourth in relationships or dating dynamics that kept me looping the very patterns I was trying to overcome. Take your focus off him if you can and talk to your inner child, get to know her, comfort her, love on her!

You need to know yourself. You need to learn what works for you and what doesn’t work for you. Otherwise, the fuzzier you are, the more fights you will get in and more resentments will plague your relationship.  

My recommendation is to get clear on your 3-5 non-negotiables in your relationship. These become the bedrock boundaries that add to you feeling safer in your relationship, which leads to more fulfillment

Needs - self approval, validation, acceptance. See other as