codependent-to-independent

[codependent-to-independent]

Higher Power

I went to al-anon today. We talked about the 3rd step of the twelve steps of Al Anon. The third step is: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

I thought a lot about turning over my will to my higher being. I was raised christian i think this is something that i will always struggle with. I never really understood why people believed in him (i will use this moving forward as i was taught the three-in-one god is the only one though i know there are others these are the pronouns i will use). I always struggled with why do i think a certain way when its obvious that others dont have the same thought process. why does everybody else have an easier time with life when i am struggling to get by always?

Our higher power has more in store for us and wants us to be the best that we can be and therefore puts these us through these challenges. The first couple of meetings that I went to- it felt like my higher power was speaking directly to me - which felt really weird because that had never happened before. I had prayed to him but never got a definitive response. I think he was responding but not in the way that i wanted. These meetings were like hey this thing you were just talking about yeah look this is the meeting. Every time i left one of those meetings i realized that he was talking to me. He was like hey i see you - you will get through this.

I trust that he will get me to where i need to be and that what i am going through right now is part of a higher being. But i also know that it really fucking hurts learning this lesson and that i don't want to put myself through this again.

God is directly showing me that hey you are in the wrong here- work towards being right. I know what i need to change but unfortunately i have to wait to change it because of promises made. I know to keep my promises. (even though there have been times that i havent kept them and there have been times that people havent kept them to me. )

I want to become the best version of myself. Going to therapy and going to meetings is the way i am going to be able to do that. I may or may not leave my current qualifier but i will always have this issue. This is not new nor is it going to be fixed in just a handful of meetings. I know that i will get better but i have to be consistent.

This hurts but this is something that i needed to learn and as much as i hate that i am working on it.

[codependent-to-independent]

Obsessive thinking

I went to an Al-Anon meeting today - we choose to talk about May 20th out of the Courage to change. It was about obsessive thinking. After the leader chatted about how this affected them we went around the circle. I didn't get to talk in the group so I am going to talk here.

I didn't realize that obsessive thinking was a problem. End of statement - i didn't. I thought it was something that everybody did. This is something that i have done since i was a child. I remember randomly waking up in the middle of the night and not being able to fall back asleep. That is because i would spiral about one random thing. It was never the same thing - it was about the boyfriend at that time or a friend i made upset or whatever else was happening. I would overly stress about what was going on and the only way i could get my brain to turn off was to go sleep in the living room. My parents would know that something was wrong because I would be sleeping on the couch in the living room. Sometimes i would be back in my bedroom before they got up but that was rarely the case. I've had to do that a couple times since i've moved. But only recently. I got a car a couple years ago and obsessed over if that was the right choice so much so that i actually had to go into the living room to sleep. My partner asked why i was in the living room but i didn't know how to explain it to him. He has never obsessed over a decision. Almost every major decision i have made i have obsessed over. Going to Italy? Panicked for weeks leading up to it. Moving to Oregon? Same thing.

I dont know how to make a choice and stick with it. I make the choice and then freak out about if its the right thing. I thought that was normal. It's not. I thought it was undiagnosed autism? I mean it could be but its being co dependent. Its being raised in a household where even if the parents weren't drinking, one of them was raised by alcoholics so she had those issues. And unfortunately raised me and my sibling with them.

Everything has to go the way that i have planned it or i freak out. Like i think that everything is going to go wrong and then i stress about that final expectation even though that isn't necessarily true.

I need to know what is going to happen to a T. Like the trip i am going on in ~9 days. I need to have everything planned out even though i know better. I dont need to know everything that is going to happen. I dont need to be in control of everything. I dont know who is getting my partner from the airport even though i am not traveling with him. I feel like i need to be in control of everything but i know better. He can get his shit together and he doesnt need help. I asked if he wanted help with a ride to the airport and he said no. So that is what it is.

Its definitely obvious that I am still on Step 1 and admitting i am powerless. I don't like saying that but I know that I am.

[codependent-to-independent]

Serenity Prayer

by Daily Regina Designs 

[codependent-to-independent]

Clarity & Connection Yung Pubelo

"Throw away the idea that you need to pause your life until you are fully healed; this is a different way of being attached to perfection. progress happens when you can simultaneously heal your past while being open to the present." pg 75

I don't think i'll ever truly be healed but that doesn't mean anything. I am learning how to be myself. I am an adult which is terrifying but i am learning. And that is all that matters. I want to be healed so that those in my life can be healed too. I want to help others and my job is very much helping me do that but I need to get my own shit together. Looking at it - my work life is great. Home life is where i am struggling and i need help. I need help having conversations and starting conversations about healing. I wait until something is presented to me to take a chance. I need to start asking if people want to do things. Not wait till offered up. I want to have friends. But i don't know how to ask people to do things with me.