coffeecatsfeminism-blog

[coffeecatsfeminism-blog]

Goodbye, Jesse Lacey.

On Sunday 12th November 2017, I woke up to the statement that Jesse Lacey posted on Brand New’s facebook page.  I read it with no context, without knowing the wider picture, not knowing what had prompted it.  And then I read the comments underneath. And then I googled and read every article that I could find. I felt sick.

Anyone who knows me will tell you that I adore Brand New.  I love Jesse Lacey.  I know the lyrics to every song.  The only vinyl I own is one of Brand New’s. Soco Amaretto Lime is the only song I can play on guitar. I had a signed poster on my wall throughout my late teenage years and university.  I took it to New Zealand when I moved there.  I brought it back 5 years later when I moved home.

I was 21 years old when I saw Brand New play live for the first time. It was at the 02 Arena in Birmingham. 2009.  My friend was supposed to come with me, but she cancelled at the last minute.  I went anyway - making the short trip from Sheffield.  It was the first time I went to a gig on my own and it was incredible. After the gig, I waited in the freezing cold with a handful of other hardcore fans, hoping to meet the band, hoping to get my poster signed. Eventually, they came out - without Jesse - and chatted to us for a good 10 minutes.  They signed our posters, seemed genuinely interested in what we had to say and invited us to the pub for a drink.  That’s when Jesse made an appearance and one of the fans got “starstruck”.  Started screaming, running, yelling, screaming, more screaming, begging Jesse to talk.  The band backed off then, apologised and said they had to leave.

I was so disappointed.  I couldn’t believe that I had been so close to going for a drink with my favourite band, with Jesse Lacey, who I absolutely loved. I was so angry with that fan for ruining my one and only chance.

I feel sick about this now.  What could have happened, what did happen to fellow fans.  What he did to fellow fans, who felt like I did - absolute adoration, love, admiration, obsession.  When I think back to how I felt, and what I would have done in that situation - I can almost 100% say that I would have been easily manipulated,  influenced.  The power imbalance when you look up to someone:  maybe they’ve been in your life for years without knowing, maybe they got you through hard times and maybe their music or lyrics evoked strong, uncontrollable emotion from you. Perhaps it was the soundtrack to your first relationship, first breakup, your parents’ divorce. Many fans talk about Brand New saving them or saving their lives because their music, their lyrics are so relatable when you are feeling alone.  

With this in mind, I believe that, as a 21 year old,  there is no way in a million years that I would have not been manipulated by Jesse Lacey. There is no way that I would turn down a request, or an invitation, or would have walked away from any opportunity, from anything he asked, whether I felt comfortable with it or not.  The loyalty you have as a fan, for a person or for people that you have never met is indescribable.  It has absolutely no logic, no gain, no benefit, it’s almost fictional, but compulsive. Until you meet that person and it becomes not only a reality, but something that you need to prove, that you need to show, that you need to act upon. He knew this, and he used this to manipulate, coerce and exploit his fans.  His supportive, loyal fans.

I can’t ever listen to Brand New again. At first I felt sad that their music, their lyrics, the memories that I have of seeing them live, are tainted now.  But ultimately, I cannot listen to or support Jesse Lacey knowing that he exploited, manipulated and coerced fans.  Not just fans, but young fans, vulnerable fans, that would have done anything for him. 

On top of this, there is a wider problem here that I can’t not mention. And that problem is the lack of support, education, and safe spaces available to young people to discuss emotions and how they feel, to learn about consent, exploitation and positive relationships and sexual experiences. To teach skills about differentiating between fantasy and reality. It shocks me how many adults do not understand coercion and exploitation, let alone a young person.  

Furthermore, we have to stop putting these celebrities on a pedestal, we have to stop defending their misconduct because we like their talent or think they are attractive or have this fictional loyality towards them (even though we’ve never met them). We have to recognise and talk about how they have power and control over those that look up to them, that follow them and that admire them, and that they are aware of this.  Lastly, as a whole, we should actively not accept sexual abuse, harassment or exploitation in our communities, towns, workplaces, public spaces, education establishments, online.  And by defending those like Jesse Lacey or continuing to support him, that is exactly what we are doing. 

This is why I will always stand with all survivors, all those that have been abused, exploited or assaulted by anyone. Because making an exception for one perpetrator gives a free pass to the rest. 

And this is the last time that I will give my attention to Jesse Lacey.

[coffeecatsfeminism-blog]

Ethical Bystanding.

Ethical Bystanding.  Active Bystanding.  Helpful Bystanding. Bystander intervention.

How many of society’s issues could be solved if people felt confident, capable and empowered to be an active bystander?  Don’t get me wrong, I think that all society’s issues could be solved if people chose not to commit crimes against others, and this message should be pushed and promoted and discussed in every setting, sector and platform continuously.

I’m talking here about everything from harassment, to domestic violence, to hate crime, to knife crime, to bullying, to murder - in the street, during school, in the flat upstairs, in a team meeting, on the tube, in the public realm and behind closed doors. 

There are two choices here:

Ethical bystander

Active bystander

Bystander intervention

I’m not giving you the option to be a passive bystander, or just... a bystander.  We all need to be ethical bystanders regardless of whether you intervene or not.

What is ethical bystanding?

Being aware of, and/or seeing, a person committing a crime or wrong-doing against another person, and doing something.  Doing something can look like a million and one things. Doing something can range from actively standing up and intervening, to calling the police, to alerting a member of staff, to making eye contact with the victim, to asking another member of the public what they think, to yelling, to approaching the victim and asking them if they’re okay, to creating a distraction, to pretending to know the victim, to keeping an eye on the situation.  Ethical bystanding involves recognising that without collective help, the victim is helpless - probably scared, worried, anxious, and  feeling so alone.  Ethical bystanding can look like bystander intervention or active bystanding. It can also look like not turning a blind eye, not putting your earphones in, not moving away, not waiting for it to be over and then going on with your day as if nothing has happened. If active intervention is not an option, choose ethical bystanding. Check that the victim is okay afterwards, offer to support them to report, or to get support,  tell them that this wasn’t their fault. Always choose ethical bystanding, regardless of whether your actively intervene or not.  

What does an active bystander look like?

Active bystanders recognise that a) it’s not safe to intervene, b) they don’t feel confident or capable of intervening or c) they don’t know how to intervene.

Active bystanders choose to tell a member of staff or someone that can help, they try to find someone that can intervene, they call, text or tweet the police, they go and stand near the victim or sit down next to them. They might find a distraction method that doesn’t involve engaging directly with the perpetrator, such as asking the victim for the time, pretending that they’ve seen them somewhere before, or asking them for directions.

Choosing to be an ethical bystander sends a collective message that we will not stand for this in our community, our society, our country, our world.  By saying nothing, by doing nothing, by looking away and pretending this isn’t happening, the perpetrator is being told that what they are doing is okay, it’s normal, that it’s acceptable and that there are no consequences.

What if this were you?  What if this were you family member, friend or someone you care about?  Regardless, we all deserve and have the right to live in a society that is free from discrimination, free from crime, and that is safe for everyone. Sadly and unfortunately, this can’t be done without ethical bystanders, active bystanders and bystander intervention.  If we all took a little responsibility, a little bit of power, a little bit of kindness and humanity, then maybe we can change the world.

Are you an ethical bystander?  Have you ever intervened?  Have you ever looked away or not intervened?  How did you feel? What would you do?

https://www.ihollaback.org/

[coffeecatsfeminism-blog]

8 Reasons Why... you should foster a cat

In mid-2015, we decided that we could no longer carry on our normal lives without the presence of a feline.  We had moved from New Zealand to London the year before, and at that time, we weren’t entirely sure whether we could commit to caring for a fury friend long-term.  I’d read about fostering before, and with the help of the internet, quickly found that the Cats Protection League were in desperate need of dedicated cat fosterers. 

Our journey as cat fosterers started with an interview and inspection of our home.  Was our home warm and clean? Did we have experience of cats? Would we know what to do if the cat meowed or wouldn’t eat? Could we provide the cat with love, care, stability and patience?  I’m pleased to say that we passed with flying colours and were told that we could receive a call at any time asking us to look after a cat that urgently needed a placement.  We couldn’t wait.  Within a week or two, we received a phone call asking if we could take a cat that night.  Meet Squeak.  He literally squeaked.  He was beautiful, loving, affectionate and a gentle soul.

After Squeak was adopted, we got Lou Lou. And we still have Lou Lou because 1) we couldn’t let her go and 2) no-one wanted to adopt her because of her age (she was 8 at the time).  Here is Lou Lou:

So, we’ve covered reason 1 and 2 (look at them!).  Here are 6 other reasons why you should foster a cat:

It’s incredibly rewarding.  Giving a helpless, homeless animal a home rather than an enclosure is invaluable.  These cats have often come from abusive homes, or have been deliberately left when someone moves house, or have never had a home.  Maybe their owner has died or they were a Christmas present that has become boring.  Whatever the reason, you will feel amazing for selflessly sharing your home.

Cats reduce stress.  Yes, there is scientific evidence to show that cats reduce stress.  Their soft fur, relaxing purring, and unconditional love (most of the time) makes humans feel good.  Have a stroke and feel the stress melt away (yes, I just wrote that).

You can make cat videos.  If you even vaguely like cats, you’ve probably watched an undisclosed number of cat videos on youtube, instagram, facebook and any other social media site or website you can find. I personally used to love icanhascheezburger back in the day (I might get into that again actually). Foster a cat and you may even find yourself famous.

Fostering is flexible.  If you’ve got a holiday planned, or you’re renting, or you may move house soon, or have kids soon, or you want to travel the world in a couple of months - fostering is for you. As long as you give the organisation notice, they can make sure that cat is looked after, taken back or placed in alternative care.  The fact that fostering is flexible is a big reason why people volunteer.

You can save a life.  Putting a cat down is an absolute last resort. However, there are so many cats without homes, many of which are elderly, or have behaviour problems or illnesses. By fostering a cat, you are literally saving a life.

Everyone should volunteer at some point.  Volunteering is a great way to not only gain skills and experience, but to really make you feel good because you are you are doing something worthwhile. In an age of phones, and computers and phones, and phones, and phones... doing something that actually helps and makes a difference is truely rewarding.  Plus, something to add to your CV!

If you’re thinking about getting a cat or you just want to do something lovely, please think about fostering a cat.  There are so many cats that need you, and that need a place that they can call home, even if it’s just for a while.  So many.  The Cats Protection League provided us with free litter, food, food bowls, litter tray, transport to vets etc, so you really are only giving your time and attention.

Visit: Cats Protection Leage, RSPCA,  Celia Hammond, or Blue Cross to find out more about becoming a cat fosterer.

[coffeecatsfeminism-blog]

This is What Women Want

In 1996, the Women’s Communication Centre asked self-identifying women in the UK to answer one simple question:  what do you want?  10,000 women responded and wrote their 46,000 answers on postcards. Twenty years on and a group of dedicated volunteers are asking women again:  what do you want?

Has anything changed? Are women’s voices being listened to, and more importantly, heard?  Here are some of the responses from 1996:

The freedom to walk alone in nature, unafraid and independent

No tax on tampons!

Respect / Equal Pay / Childcare provision (including paternity rights)

The right to define my own life and social justice

Women to be valued by themselves and others

To feel safe to go out at night

The right to celebrate all things female without ridicule or put downs

A career in a profession I enjoy combined with a happy and fulfilling personal life

An end to patriarchy and misogyny

It’s important to note that many responses were not directly related to what we know and love as “women’s issues” as some would assume, but actually included equality, education, peace, children and the environment.  What did come out of the survey, is that women experience these issues differently, and that they often have different priorities.

Here are some key themes (all of which is still relevant and needed twenty years on):

Women want to be thought of as “equal without effort”. Women want respect. Women want freedom to develop beyond stereotypes. Women want gender to not be an issue anymore. Women want freedom of expression of sexuality.

Women want equal rights and equal value in society. Women want equal opportunities in work. Women want equal access to public spaces. Women want equal opportunities for the disabled.  Women want an end to racism. Women want an end to ageism.

Women want more women in government and policy-making positions. Women want a government that cares for all its people.  Women want strong female role models. 

Women want equal treatment in work and in everyday life. Women want better conditions.  Women want part-time work to be recognised as a serious alternative to full-time work.  Women want flexible working arrangements. Women want more women in senior management. Women want better maternity rights and statutory paternity leave.

The report goes on to list and explore what women want in fiance and economics, social welfare, health, environment, violence and security, the law and legal system, peace and war, global perspectives, education, relationships, media and images, and the family. 

You can read the full report here.

If I’m honest, I’m not entirely comforted by the report, in the way that it doesn’t feel like much has changed. I might explore this in another blog. It’s too big for this blog!

All responses of the 2017 campaign will be collated, analysed and written in a report, which the voluntary group aim to present to Parliament.

Here is my answer:

I want easy access to contraception at pharmacies. I want free emergency contraception. I want early medical abortion to be easily available. I want to feel safe to walk alone.  I want for rape and sexual assualt to be taken seriously by everyone. I want to see the legal system changed to allow a fair process for victims of these horrific crimes.  I want intersectionality to be recognised. I want to see compulsory sex and relationships education in schools and from a young age. I want to see society stop objectifying women. I want men to be involved and active in these conversations. I want everyone to be equal.

So, the big question is:  what do you want?  Be part of history, a movement, and change by taking part in the survey here.