coffeewithapixie

[coffeewithapixie]

I found you in the corner of an old rundown excuse of a cafe at Chinatown.

You are still you- but older. Sleeves rolled to your elbows, hair disheveled, eyes heavy with worry.

“Coffee?” You asked, and I nodded and you proceeded to order for me. Our hands brush against each other and it feels familiar.

“It’s late. Can we just share a cup?” I know better then to drown sadness in caffeine and then struggle to sleep on a weekday night.

Conversations ran easy and we soon fell into familiar momentum. And then I find myself falling through time to a memory in our childhood when we were at the beach with our friends hands locked and digging in the sand, drawing shapes with our fingers and the the sun on our back and water glistening. And back then life was simple -we were just two kids.

It’s different now. You and I. We are two people falling out of love with our spouses, our of love with our lives, our of life with our hearts.

And then you said, “I’m going back to her. We have kids. I can’t just leave.”

I recoiled and looked at the foam in our coffee. Our last coffee together. Maybe?

But in my mind I knew. I always knew this would be temporary. A sweet mistake or a horrific misadventure. Bad decisions and nostalgia caught us. And in the end we caved in. And now we are paying for our misstep.

“I don’t understand. You said you have no happiness there,” but inside I do understand. I know too well the curse of staying put in marriage that’s long dead. Inside I know the answers but I am just saying these questions out aloud not for him to hear but for me to process.

He didn’t answer. Instead he cupped my hands in his. And then we weep. We sat in silence for a long time. And in that silence there was considerable grief. When he was finally ready, he looked up and said, “Drink this before it gets cold.” Like how we shared our food when we were kids and I was too poor to get food. He was always my safe space. But even as children, he always had more than me. More moneyC more stability, more. And even now as we spoke, he still has more. He still had a home with a family he could run to. But I had an empty room and an empty bed.

And before I could stop myself, I caught myself pulling my hands away and saying, “I guess I’m not too thirsty anymore.”

[coffeewithapixie]

[coffeewithapixie]

She read a story about how fairies turn to stardust in the skies when they died.

So every night between her tears, she would look up at the skies and then look for fairy dust in the air.

[coffeewithapixie]

Dear Mira

I got married u know. But it wasn’t like how I envisioned it would be at all. I just feel sad all the time. We were wrong babe. Happily ever after. It doesn’t exist. I was wrong.

We can all just only look after ourselves.

Cause We were all so very wrong.

[coffeewithapixie]

Something about the dunya. Everything is temporary and things come as blessings and tests and sometimes it’s hard to tell one from the other. A heaviness fell in my heart lately. A kind of intuition I often get when someone I care about is hurting. And soon I found out why.

But I know. I know He will be there looking after you. You are one of the good guys. Always. Will be.

[coffeewithapixie]

I had a dream

That at the end of this journey.

I found u at the end of the journey and you greeted me with your warm smile.

And I said “it was you. It was always you from the start, wasn’t it.”

[coffeewithapixie]

Lately I’ve been thinking of the kind of silence that sounds like music.

It is the kind of silence that brings calmness, familiarity, sadness and joy.

the kind of silence that exist for brief moments in time, but feels like a lifetime in your mind.

the kind of silence that exists in moments like...

hearing your loved ones breathe in their sleep.

or the quiet stillness of two close friends sitting together in a car ride at 3am- lost in silence instead of conversation knowing everything and nothing at the same time, and you are lost and found all at once.

the silence that comes after that last phone call.

the joy of watching your little one fall asleep cradled in the warmth of your arms after a long day, even when you never thought you would be blessed to be a mother some day.

the silence that fell on you, when you said goodbye to your first love and your heart filled with gratitude

of what has been and grief of what is to come.

the silence of watching someone you loved walk away.

the quiet before the uncontrollable giggles when you and your best friend try to hum the lyrics to a familiar song you cant remember the tune to.

the way your mother serves you second helpings even if you didnt say a word to ask.

the quiet of the delivery room and your relief, as silence drowns her first cries.

the silence between two friends crying grieving the same loss.

sitting on the school bench and and carving your names.

the unspoken understanding between two people in love when they hold hands for the first time.

the stillness of the room, when you read your wedding speech.

the familiar kind smile of a friend across a crowded room of strangers.

the way the sea of strangers part, so you can run to the arms of a loved one in a crowded airport.

the quiet pride your parents showed you at the dinner table after your graduation day.

not having said a word, but yet having a loved one place a warm blanket around you.

pretending not to cry, stifling tears.

the silence of a room in the last few breaths a loved one takes before they pass on.

the way you held your child's hands the first time they took their first steps and fell.

A quiet nod of approval a trusted friend shows you when you walk your wedding aisle.

the silence two friends share between a warm cup of hot chocolate and half-filled scraps of paper with scribbled unfinished written lyrics of a song.

the quiet skies at dawn, and an even quieter skies at sunset.

waving goodbye to a friend at their wedding day.

counting the stars with your first love.

completing one last adventurous hike with your friends before we became parents.

crying reading old letters you thought you had thrown away.

leaving text messages unread.

drawing circles in the sand with your child.

and,

the quiet unspoken prayer at the passing of a great friend, and the wonderful memories he had left us with.

between the many lyrics, song, conversations, phone calls and poetry, at times it was the silence that spoke the most when words did not.

it's the string of all these random quiet silent moments that just sink and lift your heart at the same time.

and at times, I begin to believe this is why the silence at 2am in the morning feels like home to me. because this same silence reminds me of these different moments in my life. when silence was louder than words.

[coffeewithapixie]

Hit with insomnia once again, although my mind and body is immensely drained and tired. My mind is filled with thoughts I can’t switch off despite best efforts.

A milestone happened last weekend, a birthday of a person from my past. Someone I Really despised and loved with equal measure. Because he ruined me.

And till this day and date, I still have immense empathy and sadness for, no matter how ill treated we both were, or how toxic we were for one another from the start. Some people are here for a reason and purpose for a period of time in our life as a blessing. Others as a painful lesson. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but they help you erode away years of painful memories despite your best efforts to hold on to them to remind you of a time of loss and grief.

I sometimes wonder what life would be like.

Would happiness eventually find us.

Would we have forgiven the flaws and misfortunes which befell between us.

Did I fight hard enough to brave the storms or did I lose hope too quickly.

Did I see the end when it just began.

No.

I was just a young person foolish in love.

I saw a gd where there was bad, hope where there was sadness, love where there was hate. I did what I did for many years for many people. I stayed to heal, to repair.

I’m that kid that spent her last dollar on a can of fish for lost stray cats hoping they would find a better home some day.

I was, and will always be that person.

My boss used to say, “How will you save the dolphins dina?” Cause I was always trying to hard to see the good in everyone. I was always fighting some stupid cause I was already set to loose, but I couldn’t see it.

She didn’t know... I wasn’t trying to save the dolphins. I was too busy trying so desperately trying to save myself trying to swim back to shore. I guess she wasn’t paying attention, as always.

I was always lost but found myself in the lives of those lost like me. Those who are broken love broken things.

And then when we met, it was like two stars collided right. Two lost beings in this big universe finding them way to each other. But I didn’t see it there and then, I was grieving and I was filling an empty space between the fragments of memories. I saw my dad in this person. I saw pieces of him In this person. And for a Moment, my grief turned to love. In spite of knowing better, that sort of toxic interdependence is very very addictive. Some of you would know how that feels. When something or someone is so toxic but you’ve grown so used to it, you learn to accept that it’s ok.

Sometimes I would wake and I could hear our thoughts and they were one.

I always knew I was odd even as a child. I felt too much, tried too hard, loved too deeply, empathized with all the villains in all the movies cause I saw myself in each one of them. Couldn’t say that in literature class 😬, for fear of being judged.

But this person -well, he knew all the dark mean sides of me. He knew even the things I hated about myself. Things no one else knew. My addictions, my sadness, my own toxic behaviors and insecurities.

I still think of him every now then in small things I see. Like when there is a leaking tap, and I know he could fix it. Or how he used to built things from scratch. I secretly did think he may have had autism. There were little things along the way in the years we were together. Little clues. I began to see them everywhere. But I never said a word. Little things you see... like ...

The way a big crowd made him uncomfortable. Little things he would fidget with. The way his mind couldn’t turn off even when he tried. Obsessive compulsive tendencies. Ritualistic behaviors. Social anxiety. The mean things he would blurt out, with no intention to hurt. He just didn’t know it was socially inappropriate even when I told him.

The way he could look at something and replicate it - a song, a drawing, or fixing something from scratch by looking at all the loose parts and just knowing somehow how they connect together.

I never told him. I don’t know if he would want to hear.

But it’s ok. It doesn’t matter now.

But lately in my mind I’ve been thinking if this person is safe from harm.

“Happy birthday,” I texted.

My phone beeped and I read his reply,

“I’m ok Dina. Don’t worry about me.”

[coffeewithapixie]

Somewhere in my dreams

I saw you were still alive.

Loving and living a quite peasant life

In the streets in the ruffled village of Thailand

Sleeves and cuffs rolled up

As you sat on the edge of a bridge looking into the waters

You had been taken by the government you said

Forced to live a different life, one where you were a father to children who weren’t yours, a wife who hadn’t held your heart

All part of an assimilation into the masses, you said.

A conspiracy theory which rang true

I saw you but our eyes met and our hearts whispered and we pretended a life before this had nor existed

But you were happy

You were different but you were so very happy and you were finally free.

I miss you friend

I’ve

[coffeewithapixie]

Lately I’ve been seeing you in my dream

Faceless and nameless

But my heart knows who you are

a familiar pain and comfort

It doesn’t feel like I’ve found you

But a piece of me I had lost

[coffeewithapixie]

Met you in a safe space

A place between wake and sleep

Buried between memories

Between sins, song and coffee

Salty sea air and sand beneath our feet

Running, running

Run, stop and breathe

“I’m free,” you said. “Don’t worry about me.”

And you were happy

Indeed you were

You were chasing Bali sunsets and sipping tea

And smiling,

And I knew you were finally free

You were finally free.

[coffeewithapixie]

It’s like I fell into comfort and then I fell in love. When I saw you, it was as though it was we were still young and foolish. We fell into an easy conversation and it was as though we picked up from where we left.

We fell into an awkward embrace and I felt you reach behind me, arms fell into place where they once were and I felt a light kiss in my hair. We pulled apart and a sheepish smile crept in place.

“coffee?” We asked almost simultaneously and then laughed. We headed for our table and for a brief moment I lost you in the crowd. I turned and you looked at me.

“Why are you walking behind me?” I asked as I reached out for your arm.

“I wanted to remember what it was like when you left me all those many years ago.”

[coffeewithapixie]

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[coffeewithapixie]

She showed up for her first date in a black slinky dress... and worn out sneakers.

He didn’t notice until he dropped a coin on the floor and bent down to pick it. He saw untied shoe laces and worn soles of a nicely worn out pair of chucks hidden between long satin dress drapping over her ankles.

[coffeewithapixie]

I’m finding my way

To you

To you

Who’s so far away

A dream

In a distant memory

I’m finding my way to you.

[coffeewithapixie]

His eyes were the color of the ocean

When you swam in their depths

You could feel yourself drowning

Lost in breathlessness