colderfruit

[colderfruit]

baby growing from a slim branch, somehow dirty with rich dirt.

you permanently bind yourself to your sword with a confirmational kiss. however, if you can’t do a confirmational kiss then anyone can assume control of your sword. the first time i fought my english teacher, she transformed everyone according to her off-brand alice in wonderland theme and after she killed everyone else, i said the password to gain control of my sword and the two of us killed her. the scene played again but in this iteration i forgot the password so i had to slide down the banister and ask my friend, who said that it was “crumplebottom.” i ran back up the stairs and whispered it in my sword’s ear, and her face instantly become more malleable, like warm clay. she smiled. this time, i set my english teacher on fire and then sent in my sword to save her.

[colderfruit]

in my friend’s room in an art camp, littered all over with drawings. i can spot which ones are mine, they’re all portraits of the other campers. i’m proud, they look really accurate and there’s one color pencil one that uses implied colors to map across the skin of the cheek nicely. we go to the main room, where there are tables. she lays out erasers on the center of the table and points out that it’s our responsibility to share resources, like chopped up regular erasers we can shape into slugs and use as art erasers. i tuck all these erasers away in an icepack, and the supervisor asks to see them, in a tone that implies she thinks its all sjw bullshit.

a boy gets a phone call that his parents died in a car crash. because of this, and the fact that it’s his birthday, he has to go home. everyone’s in a circle comforting him, but my friend, whose name is ruth, says that she wants to hold a contest to make a birthday present for the boy, whose name is eric. but she really especially likes my drawings and wants to make sure he gets one. i tell her that she should run her contest and not worry about me, because i can just give him a drawing on the side anyway. 

i walk up to the circle of people and ask eric what he wants for his birthday. he deliberates and i tell him, “it can be anything!” he eventually asks for a kiss, and taps his mouth. i say, “oh, i mean, i have a boyfriend, so i wouldn’t be comfortable with that.” i wonder nervously if i should clarify that by boyfriend i meant girlfriend. he taps his mouth again. “sorry, i have a boyfriend, is there anything else i can get you?” he taps his mouth again. “no!” everyone starts grumbling about how unreasonable i’m being, considering his parents are dead.

later, we go to the gym, where i’m sitting on the bleachers dissociating and wishing i could call b. there’s someone sitting above me who’s commenting on how vulnerable i look and how much they wish they could cover up my boobs. from the other side of the room, ruth gets everyone’s attention and says something. i don’t catch it bc i’m busy dissociating, but at the end i sway in my seat and go “wooo! fuck yes whatever feminist thing ruth just said!” then a basketball game starts where one of the players is a white tiger, and another one is a weird huge dodo mascot that’s strangely effective as a suit to play basketball in. insane wingspan. someone comments “that thing looks like it has a dick” like it physically anatomically doesn’t, it just has the energies.

taking care of baby version of b, find them in a playpen in a dark room, take them out to bounce them and teach them how to walk. we go outside but a car comes down the driveway and i have to pick them up and hurry to the front step. a realm where my character is princess and reigns over different cute animals, like a fuzzy brown penguin baby that she demands to see in her hub realm every day.

new character, an arrogant and precocious girl at magic school, kind of like young ged. raised by a very young mother who’s more like an older sister, she’s very spoiled and lordly. when she goes to magic school, she presides over the other children. then there’s a war and a wave of students get sent home because there’s no way they’ll be fit for combat, and once the war starts there’s another wave of students who definitely won’t survive if they keep fighting. only the character, me, and like 5 other girls remain at the school. like 4 out of the five remaining other students are antagonists, which is hilarious?

there’s a snapelike doctor character who puts me on an operating table and r*pes me, or i guess, tries to and i stop him and then i’m like huh, guess there’s no way to stop it (??) and i’m like ok fine. he keeps sadistically changing the temperature of the table so that i burn or freeze, and then coverts the table to a bath and does it again. later, he shows me how to use an empty shop window as a movie projector by funneling magic into this little lens. i sing a song that my mother taught me, which is i think just the theme song from juno, but doctor snape starts tearing up and i’m like oh wow that’s weird. i confront my father about it later, who seems to be in some kind of dorm room? and he rages at me and tells me that movie nights were definitely a front. i get upset and ask him what i did wrong, wasn’t it all my mother? and he says, “it was all him!” pointing dramatically at doctor snape, who happened to be in the room diagonal to us. knowing the tropes, he was implying that the dr was my real biological father, and i knew before i opened the door that his justification was going to be that he had a magic way of determining i was my dad’s kid, otherwise he wouldn’t have had sex with me.

[colderfruit]

morning on the porch, and people are coming down the driveway in special outfits. we keep having to turn them away because something’s not ready, and i keep thinking about how unprofessional it is, how messy it all looks. but they actually just change into casual clothes, which i’m happy about because it means everyone can have breakfast together and then they can start showcasing their outfits. everyone’s suddenly there on the porch, and i’m trying to get them their food. there’s a white guy who keeps following me, he looks like young zac efron but sharper, and he has kind of a bowl cut where the fine tips of his brown hair touch the back of his neck. when he corners me, i rig a contraption (using intestines?) so that he’s strung up to the rafters, so that when he tries to grab me i can lift him up and set him down. but he lurches towards me too hard, so i pull him up too high, and when he falls to the ground he splats to pieces.

i become an onlooker who noticed bloody handprints along several spots on the roof, and the building is now a neoclassical dorm. my ra finds me and asks me what happened, and i explain the business with the guy in the intestine harness. she takes me back to my room, where both beds spell lara in pillows, i point her to the one that’s mine. it’s more colorful, lime green felt blanket, extra plushies. some of them are cute and some of them are very ugly (extraordinarily ugly hedwig plushie like a bald, homemade man). the character i was before lies on her side tangled up with a different, female corpse (a character whose involvement i forget), legs entwined, having promised not to breathe. we were in a swamp and we dropped a shirt in the swamp. later one of us, a man, stole a horse or a motorcycle and proceeded down the highway to escape. the person he met in a car, his accomplice, wasn’t who he expected, but he had to play along. we came back to the swamp and fished out the shirt, swishing it in the water so that it lost the status effects “rancid” and “encloaked.” we shared a package of two small yellow marshmallows and one tiny one, which i said we could each have a bite of later. i was happy bc i had been so hungry that the marshmallow filled me up, and just having sugar felt really good.

we end up at home, where we have to conceal from our parents everything that happened and go on one last mission (marry someone?) before our escape was complete. i started to go, wait, but we’re home, we shouldn’t set out on our own again, but girl in puffy blue gingham shirt with white openwork embroidery insisted on getting married.

[colderfruit]

went to a chinese restaurant w a, host was suspicious, sat down with our parents together and tried to play it off to her "we just like having adventures!"

celaine was watching a documentary abt a well-known p*do on a wide screen and it was really overly explicit and disgusting but she wouldnt turn it off.

we were on an island where we could vote off people to die and some guy insisted on this other guy, who was disabled. all it takes is one vote and the person dies, so i guess its more "any of us can arbitrarily choose to kill each other or not" i blew into a bamboo horn and it blew on all the other islands like in sims 3 survival or whatever, and the last horn blew over this tiny little rock of an island where the guy's corpse had washed up, with the text on the bottom calling us murderers. i passed by a greenhouse which surprised me bc it was already fixed and went inside, pulled up some dead plants and tried to plant new ones but the guy was sleeping there in a pile of clothes. i asked him why he didnt just sleep in the next room, which had a high bed with warm pink sheets. later when we're all in the attic i tell everyone about what i saw when i blew the horn, and they all say it doesnt count as murder. the guy is in the next room, and i say that it doesnt matter who decided he would die because we can't have anyone else die too. on the way down the stairs the guy asks who called him "hot headed" and everyone laughs and says me. we're around the table and the guy is just openly trying to r*pe me but everyones annoyed at me when i ask for help. eventually one of the people eats something poisoned and i tell them i can handle it, i'm a cursebreaker, and i carefully cut a sliver of snow whites poisoned apple and put it in his mouth. and then his swollen face closes in on himself and he becomes like a chrysalis.

[colderfruit]

written to b this morning:

babyness i had nother bad dream in first one you were yellin at me :(( second one an ai was creeping ln me on me

i wss jn a hotel to see democratic national clnvention and queer eye guys were thetr

and went i went to the bathroom i was dabbing blood off a pimple and this guy woth a cut came in and was like excudse me its an emergency and j wad ljke oh yeah of course, sorry and as i was leaving he smeared blood on mh face and then j hqd to be rushed to the nurses office which was located off my parents bedroom, looked like scirnvcr classroom

and thete was a very ugly doctor and nonfescripy young nurse inside the doctor angrily verbally cayalogued every body pary thay yhe guy had smeared with blood and then said i had to tape up my ribs and abdomen with duct tape as if constructing a corset

in 10 minutes? or something bad would jappen. had to sign contract

so i did and he neggef me abt whether my dad was really from nanjing, and when the 10 minutes were up he lept on inventihg reasons to keep me longer, and understanding that if i broke the contract i would have to stay forever i was like but you have each other fkr ckmpany! and they wrre like you dont understand, and i realized they were both the same person

and then an ipad flickered on to tell me to stay and i was like i cant stay forever but what can i do to make it easier? and then your face came on the monitor and you squished your lips fishwise and it used your voice to say "kiss me!" and i very gingerly pecked the camera. later i picked up object called "adult male semen" from floor of lab as if minecraft and the description told me to put it in an incubator and it made, bojack style a cute little elephant baby girl?

i showed her to you like look we have a daughter! and you were like awwww! a daughter! she was very cute

later there was a sleepover at my parents house (austin walkers friends were there??) and on the tv was someone was like in the style of a commentary channel trying to make fun of a very funny tweet of yours and everyone in the room was like

"yeah theyre destroying him by virtue of how good this tweet is" like he was just floundering like "HA, what does that evrb meeeeeaaan"

and one of his vocal detractors got sucked in and the monitor showd a warped language selection scrnr and the guy who got suckrd in was like "wow! huh! im like, on a stage??"

[colderfruit]

you have to eat your pets before initiating something, like chugging water before going through security. rules: you must eat pets that you keep for sex, but if they can stand in water then they’re ok.

[colderfruit]

i was back at my high school, and saw a famous tumblr user there and thought "i always knew that person went to my high school, but never talked to them bc they seemed too busy." passed people i know, everyone at their lockers, and then saw kavalos who said we were going on a trip. every inch of the stairwell covered in daubs of paint. nancy asked where we were going, he asked us where our favorite trips were before. our graduation trip, we said, though we didnt remember where. i asked abt the rockies and nancy said they were barren and devoid of life, you would have to just turn around once you got there.

we went to see a presentation that began with a hillary ad. her hair was encoiled with a net of miniscule pearls and there was this one shot of someone dramatically inserting a hairpin upwards towards the crown of her head to secure the bun. for some reason i thought this was definitely a reference to that crown show on netflix, which ive never watched. i griped about peoples obsession with the aesthetics of empire, and two old people, who were dressed very similarly in enpearled hairnets and elaborate 16th? century garb (dont get me wrong i love the outfits) got really mad at me for it, unrelated people began chiming in to yell at me, i got anxious from my lack of statistics.

met up with fictional highschool girlfriend? chat casually before bringing up that we should definitely break up, she seemed sad but understanding. i suddenly realized i had been cheating on her during our non-relationship bc i had been dating someone in college i was also waiting to break up with so i could be with b. were in a toy shop together? think girl was at least conceptually b at times because i looked at the cat and horse plushies with them.

on trip, driving over gray water in massachusetts. detailed dirty pearl red-tipped nautical structures float by. we're on our way to dinner on a boat, people complaining theyre not hungry anymore, rob zacny who's driving the car insists in chinese that we eat just a little.

we get to new york, theres a scavenger hunt where a man tells us if we can get to the certain address in time we get fantastic prizes. we convene in hs girlfriends house, who confirms that that address is hers. guy opens a door to a back room, revealing that he actually kidnapped the children he claimed to help. spritzing one of the kids, named greg with real water even though hes digital, the man’s scarlet johanson wife almost comes clean, says she told the police they had the children. i go: yeah and i’m sure we’ll all go to jail for being complicit but it’s ok, at least the kids will be safe, and hey you have SO much money (i guess from acting?) so you can even support them, they’ll be fine. and they go yeah! yeah it’ll be ok and then each of them grabs a child and murders them by coring their skulls with spoons, like pumpkins, i realize theyre about to do this a second before they do, so i grab greg and run, leaving girl and the rest of the kids.

first i try to go on foot but there’s a festival, orange lights and rows and rows of people. i get caught because i go back to the place where greg told me about his passion for archaeology. rewind and i steal a horse, ride to a green-tiled room with brad leone on a raised platform who tells me “hey buddy, you know you have to bring that horse around the back” and i was calm about doing so because i felt like i had put enough space between us to be safe doubling back for a second to go around the building. then i realized the horse would leave tracks, rewind, greg and i 

[colderfruit]

a webcomic thats popular bc of the main gay ship, was searching wikis for it bc despite wild popularity it was very obscure. i learn that it’s about three muskateers and a giant cartoon steak that wants desperately to eat them. the ship is, thankfully, one of the men and the steak, and thankfully i was cast as the man and b was cast as the giant steak with red arms and legs. sitting under my window, lifting my curtain to peek up at them in the cold gray, only getting glimpses of their cartoon steak body. listening to sawbones, where they discuss how love isn’t about knowing everything from the start and plugging all the answers in. saying the right thing won’t guarantee that they’ll love you or you’ll love them, because you’re also only meat. b as steak is very sweet, helps me through tutorial puzzles where i have to fit objects i’ve collected so far into red slots, transforming them.

[colderfruit]

there was a comic series with a collection of folklore at the end, and some of it had to do with the characters from the comics and some of them were just transcribed oral stories. the comics were somewhat star wars comics (but they predated the movies and were titled as "episodes" but only some were adapted) and somewhat veggie tales comics (the person who collected and adapted the sad, serious fairytales at the end was most assuredly not the person who wrote the silly songs with larry songs).

the story is about a lonely man that travels a cold woods alone, until he meets and marries a woman and builds a house there. his name is alf but it's written like the deathly hallows symbol, and when i walk into the classroom his name is on a worksheet i was supposed to have filled out about the story, written, highlighted, and photocopied by my teacher. my teacher comes to sit in the seat with me and teases me. i say jokingly "oh, are we supposed to play this?" gesturing at a diagram of keys. "no! its just a notemap" says my teacher, and i bite his shoulder. the idea of splitting the stems out if leathery mustard greens. alf has three sons, and the first one, bennie is his favorite, goes everywhere with him. the narration states that bennie is disabled and alf treats him a little like a precious dog. one day when they leave the house the air ripples, something in the house will repel them now. it's due to alf's actions but i don't know how. bennie dies, and soon his brothers die too. alf thinks about his slim, bowed house that he built himself and the ten childeen, who would have thought his children, now buried in the backyard. when his last son rob is still alive he and his wife and rob are talking in the kitchen, and he's thinking about the back of his last darling boy.

i'm in the classroom still adding dried chilis to oil, and frying cubes of bread in it. halfway throufh i add already toasted breadcrumbs, and finally whole bunches of herbs that i tear up with my hands on the hot sheetpan.

[colderfruit]

with b in huge desolate parking lot, distant lights, idea of hot sandwich, i say no wonder hot vanilla drink is more popular. we go inside a mall/cafeteria to find an ice cream place w trendy cereal ice cream but all the cereal is just like plain grain. b orders then unknown friend, then i consider getting perfect disc of chocolate cookie in small.

i show b a tweet confirming bnf has a girlfriend and they tell me that gf is in fact a hs character who dated deck of cards type hooligans. oh nooo i say and narrate to them how because of this knowledge, i can see a blue and a green mickey mouse advance menacingly towards me in a hallway. their feet are little nubbed breadrolls, too small, round plops instead of loaves. i tell them that oh thank god, as theyre walking towards me at least i can see stacks of dorm room beds in the rooms as we're passing by, oh now they're hospital beds with red carts where they keep bags of blood to hook patients up to. more hospital beds, why are the beds hooked up to the cribs? eventually i enter a green tiled room that appears to be for surgery, the mickey mouses tell me i am to stay here, in the blood room.

pushing against the dream, i clamber up the walls with dry, flat palms. it eventually becomes something i can do. i can walk on the walls and ceiling, and the only rule is that i can't let go of anything or it'll fall. i meet other people who have escaped living on the ceiling, all carrying pencils (an essential) so they don't fall. the ceiling people, lead by a big rectangular dude, decide to drop down to cause havoc, liberate general hospital population. we drop down near silently but everyone looks at us. someone starts giving the speech but we're swishing around the auditorium of people in a conical formation, and i realize that i'm the rectangular leader and i keep being shunted off to the side. suddenly the leader's gone behind a curtain, and so has everyone else, and i realize that he's only going to save us at the expense of everyone else. i follow them behind the curtain and rectangular leader swishes me into his cloak to disappear me.

officials arrive, in what looks like a yellow varnished school gym. i come to and realize that, although the ending is that the ceiling people will escape to form our own isolated community, right now rectangular leader has only made us invisible. the officials are dispersing, as are the students. there is a suspicious deputy. i slip out, waiting for students to leave before following them out the door, and eventually meet another ceiling girl, who is bringing her pet ducks in from the cold. she has two brilliantly green and one warmly brown duck, and we whisper to each other about what to do next as she settles a duck on a bench and feeds him crumbs.

bonus: b just woke up eyes all wide and when i asked if they were ok, said "ya i was just worried bc you ate so much wasabi"

[colderfruit]

going on a trip with my parents and some white kids, presumably my sister’s friends though they seemed too old. drove until evening, orange light spilled into the car over girl in the front seat’s knees, drove across expanses of cool beautiful burbling water. arrived at compound of cabins with crisp white siding, were ushered into common waiting area and then chastised; didn’t we want a tour? i complained about the strangeness of this, and we went out into an atrium, where my mother ordered an omelette and it came out as my dad’s scrambled eggs with hot green pepper, only it was milder and full of crispy air bubbles (they told us the rate per person, which seemed ridiculous, and then the fact that it was a six month retreat that would cover many lakes, though my parents only wanted to stay for a few hours). my mom wouldn’t eat it and i couldn’t finish it so i gave it to some guy sitting on his girlfriend’s lap, who exclaimed about how he didn’t like “peppers with seeds” and asked me ecstatically if i could make eggs this good. “i can make them light but not this airy” i replied. he said it was good to eat a lot of salt and took his shirt off, and i said “well, don’t get dehydrated.”

i left the compound and started walking, some impression from a past dream about a side street with restaurants and yo-yo stores, and then i emerged from a little staircase where buildings crept towards me on two little hills, to see in the distance the performing arts center of my high school. i felt proud that i could find my way on my own, but then remembered i had left my backpack (which didn’t have enough clothes anyway, just the dregs of my laundry basket) i at least had my toothbrush. i considered calling my parents and didn’t.

was in class and b was there visiting with me, made under-the-breath comment and i laughed and shushed them, was lying head in their lap which is funny for class, had to reach up. professor asked us after class who they were and i had to be like “oh i just brought my girlfriend to class” all sheepish. people were making rice in the classroom after class and i had a little, it was strangely good, with beans inside. left classroom and it was all hubbub, suddenly a high school, looked like the image of the foyer of b’s hs, impressions from other dreams of needing to catch the bus.

hallways lined with flyers with a polar bear character, many different mottos. one of them was veiled cop propaganda and many people were streaming into this room, people we wouldn’t at all have expected. and then i was trampled into this room and something happened to my heart, was stepped upon, and when i came to the school was in northern england and sometimes the dream would cut to kids playing soccer in the bleak dim outside, and characters would say vintage racist things not ironically, but it was framed ironically. like ha, how old-fashioned! speculation over whether i was human spliced over shots of round faced blond girls with long eyelashes, childish, little noses set into their faces like playdough. walking back along the path. the character that was no longer me was having his blood drawn with a syringe, and he poked a hole so all his blood came spurting out, and he held up a fork with a piece of penne pasta speared onto it so that it got all covered in blood, and then he held it up to his nurse’s face. the gambit worked and the nurse revealed herself to be a vampire, sucked on the pasta. the main character used this as an opportunity to spear her with her own equipment.

another nurse another operation, main character again spears them but not so fast, they grow new, thin, purple flesh that extends in a tube towards mc and attaches to him, and then the nurse starts to digest him mouth-to-mouth, pulverizing his tongue and disintegrating his teeth, mouth tissue all sandpapery scrubbed away, beading blood. i knew the main character would win again but i wasn’t sure how.

[colderfruit]

walking through a themepark full of chewy digital animals, chewy red paths. in the cafeteria we were supposed to play soccer, kept getting matched with some guy who looked like antoni porowski. he winked at me and i said "please dont wink at me." i couldn't get the angle right in soccer, or the force. i got back to the table and michael from middle school and some girl were debating whether i was pretty or not.

walking up the long winding hill to leave the park. they let you rent wagons but you need to buy a digital animal to pull the wagon, or you can pick up the reins and pull the empty wagon yourself. i did that for a bit and then i saw museum exhibitions in the gift shops, happy animatronic bears in a red room circling each other like bumper cars. saw the concept art for the park, pretty postcard sized watercolors of graveyards upon graveyards. i tried to take a screenshot for b but the painting i wanted lost its mossy plump green and also the offwhite wash of the church and its chewy shape, like a pebble.

[colderfruit]

that i had to say a sequence of phrases slowly over and over in order, and b helped make it easier

[colderfruit]

a cold and a hot glass of honeyed tea

[colderfruit]

Yearning, 1973, Helen Frankenthaler

[colderfruit]

warren of identical apartments all attached to each other, man and his assistants create force field opening of door and then materialize door in the opening, understood that through this method of creation they are inserting themselves into the door as a means of surveillance. the man himself installs himself conspicuously in panels like the panels in the bathroom of an airplane.

through this they find me and a character who is not b but a metaphor for b somehow, and i'm a metaphor for myself. they come and arrest us for cuddling on the floor, they say it'll be allowed here when its allowed in the actual state of california. i thought about gardens where we can be alone.

a public bathroom where the toilet is like a doctors examining table and you disgustingly have to lie on it. after you flush the whole thing bleeds over itself from the rim with scarlet-orange soap.

[colderfruit]

i went to the school where i took painting lessons as a kid, and women were ducking their heads in and exclaiming at each small new antechamber as if they were entering a store they didn’t understand. class wasn’t really in session but my teacher was milling around, a kid i recognized was working on a painting of a beautiful whimsical storefront: light fell on the stone walls, catching the light so that individual bricks shone out purply dun or orange, and there were details like bikes outside. everything was stirring, as if there was a comfortable breeze. and inside through the glass you could see that the cabinets were vibrant bluish mint green, old saturated painted wood, and on them were rare magical books butterflied out for people to see. i think i started to help with the painting/he said something about the stones and how the white parts in the light go pure white and how the colored parts in the shadow have picked-up colors like plopped jewels. and i went in with a brush and water to take away pigment to achieve this, which is what he encouraged me to do & felt like taking advantage of him. then he drew inward and inverted the earth, and i understood that he had trapped me by having me interact with stone, because he was creating a center of gravity that sucked everything in slowly and all the earth inside us had to be painfully rendered out. he felt the pain of it every time. all the stones i had helped draw were wrung out of limbs, popped out through the pressure, as i crawled away from the inversion. a contrast drawn between language learning. i met him later in a cafeteria flooded with clean white sunlight to tell him that he didn’t have to do that and i wouldn’t have betrayed him, never him. he said yes, but how long is that true? how long am i the kid that you remember?