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colgatebluemintygel · 1 month ago

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helloooooo <333 it’s been a while!! i haven’t really known how to come back to this account, or what to say. there’s a lot to say!! ummm where 2 start… i’m back! sort of! i’m so nearly finished up w postgrad, and i’ll soon be back to writing. i will finish on another ocean! but after that? i don’t really know lol. i have a million more ideas for wolfstar, but there is a huge ol something holding me back from even thinking about starting to write them. everyone will have their own feelings about jkr and the role that fic plays in promoting her brand, and a few layers below that, her beliefs. i don’t have the answers as for what’s right, but i can say with certainty that writing harry potter fanfiction has not sat right with me for a while now. i feel like i’m letting my trans friends down by being here. they would never, ever say this to me, or tell me that i should be ashamed, but it’s how i feel. and i do believe there’s a good reason for that. guilt can be a very good teacher; it’s very tempting to try and find ways to nullify it, to reason it away. but there’s a reason i feel guilty about my involvement in this fandom. because, to an extent, whether it is small or not-so-small, i am guilty. in a way, i am complicit. i’ve sat with my feelings on this matter for years now, and they have not changed; all the while, jkr has doubled, tripled, quadrupled, and quintupled down on her transphobia in ways that are truly, truly horrifying and that actively harm trans people every single fucking day. that is the reality, and i can’t separate the art from that. i know there are trans folk in this space who still find a lot of comfort in this world and these characters. we need to hold them extra tight in times like these, and to amplify their voices. when trans people tell you that it hurts them, harms them, to see people still casually buying merch or talking about the new hbo show, you need to listen. solidarity and allyship is not about platitudes. if trans people don’t feel safe in this fandom - which, i have on v good authority, many do not!!! - then we are failing them. we all need to do better.

beyond that, this fandom is totally fucking cooked. HAHA. umm? i’m genuinely baffled by the amount of creators i’ve seen chased out and harassed. this fandom is actively autocannibalising in a v unsexy way. and i honestly don’t think that’s going to change, which makes me v sad. in lots of ways i’ve been lucky: i haven’t been doxxed or deadnamed, or received death threats, but there have been months (even years) where i haven’t enjoyed being here one single bit. and that’s a buzzy environment to be in when you’re trying (and expected to) create for other people. not even medication can mollify my terror of posting another story for this fandom, which is fucked because they’ve helped me to confront my greatest lifelong fears LOL.

this post doesn’t really have a conclusion. there are a million reasons i should leave, and they’re all very good reasons. i still can’t fully bring myself to peace out tho, at least not until oao is finished. i promised yall (and myself) i’d finish it and i intend to do good by that promise!

again soon!!! tp <3

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