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LAST BLOG POST

As the most stressful term of my life wraps up finally, it’s time to sit back, relax, and reflect on all that I learned in interpersonal communication. I’ll start by talking a little about what I’ve learned about myself throughout the term. First off, one of my biggest ah-ha moments was when we were talking about conflict styles. Although, in the back of my mind I already knew it, this class helped me further understand that I am an adamant avoider. I hate dealing with conflict more than I hate buying laundry detergent, (that shit is expensive!) which is saying a lot. And believe it or not, this term I faced more conflict than usual. I went through a scary break up and my sister moved back into my parents’ house. This class helped me realize that you can’t change people, and therefore I had to allow myself to let go of a relationship that was no longer serving me and the person I want to become. I learned that you either have a choice, or you don’t to be in relation with others, and since being with Michael was a choice, I had to make the hard decision to cut ties. Instead of being helpless, like I once used to do in romantic relationships I didn’t want to be in, I took the reins and took control of my own happiness by cutting out him and his toxins. Similarly, I faced plenty of conflict with my sister while she was living at my parents, a quick five minutes away from my place where I often go to get homework done. For so long I played the victim in my relationship with my sister, taking no ownership for the role I played in our conflicts, as well as avoiding making amends. This did not serve our relationship well. During this class, I was able to acknowledge that I play a role just as important as my sister in our relationship, I am not the victim, I am an even player. By taking more responsibility for my actions, and the role I play in the conflicts I was able to be a better sister. My mom helped us realize that Hailey may be the instigator, but it is my explosive response that really fuels the fire. For the longest time, I would blame her for taking me there. When in reality, I chose my responses. If I learn how to better formulate my responses, or just chose not to respond, our relationship would be much better off. Likewise, if she learned how to keep things to herself instead of bursting my bubble, conflict would lessen. But all that I can control of is my own actions, and therefore I can’t count on her to change, but I can make adjustments of myself. When conflicts that were big enough to result in hurt feelings, we would both recluse, and issues wouldn’t be solved. The last big fight that we had, we ended up not talking for two weeks. Not only did this conflict effect both of us, it also impacted the lives of my parents. My mom is always stuck in the middle of it, she is the peacemaker. But I know our fighting takes a toll on her, so not only do I want it to stop for me and Hailey, I also want it to stop for my mom. After the two weeks of not talking, Hailey was the bigger person and reached out to me to talk. I would have been fine with just avoiding the conflict until it went away entirely. I think that is one of my biggest take away, that conflict can’t really just go away, especially if one person wants to address it. So, with the help of this class, I decided to set up a time and a date that worked for both of us after she reached out. We talked when there were no nosey parents around and we both apologized for the role we each played in the conflict that we were facing. We decided that moving forward we would need to keep the lines of communication open much better so we both knew how we were feeling and therefore could better respect each other’s needs. As you see, not only did I learn a lot about myself, I also was able to begin to apply some of the concepts to my life. This class helped me shed light on how fortunate I am to have open communication between my family and I, especially my mom. The older I get, the more we can talk openly about certain topics. For a while I had a dependency on sleep aids to help me fall asleep. This is something I would not have told my mom when I was younger. Now that I know I can’t get in trouble or grounded, I feel as though I can be way more open with her. She was glad I confided in her and she helped me move forward in a healthier manner. I’m proud to say I haven’t used my sleep aids in a full month, the longest I’ve ever gone before. My mom has helped me find safer alternatives that still get the job done and lack a sort of dependency that I’ve faced previously. Overall, I feel as though I learned a great deal of information in this class. I’m also pleased to say that it has made a positive impact on my relationships. At the same time, its helped me lean to not put up with other people’s shit if I don’t have to. If I have a choice to be in relationship with them and I’m miserable, then that is my own fault. I have the power to choose who I want in my life and who I don’t, and that is a really liberating feeling.

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Blog Post #8

Here we are, the final blog post before class wraps up. I feel a sort of bitter sweetness as I sit down to write this, because although I’m glad to never have to write another ones of these, I’m also sad this class is coming to an end. I won’t get any further into my reflection because I know I still have to write a post on that. So, week eight we covered chapter ten and we wrapped up the date me exercise. Since I ran out of room to write about the date me exercise in my last post I will take some time to talk about that first. Part one of the date me exercise I had a blast, maybe a little too much fun. Although I was loud, what I really enjoyed was hearing what the other females had to say. They had so much intelligence to share that I would have easily overlooked. It was in the moments that I allowed myself to sit back and be quite that I feel like I learned the most. Thus far in my life I haven’t had a romantic relationship that I would call a success, because they have all come to an end. Now this doesn’t mean I haven’t learned a great amount about myself and others in the process, it just means I haven’t found “the one”. By being able to acknowledge that in some sense the failure of these romantic relationships was my own doing, it helps me be able to know what works for me and what doesn’t. When I did some reflection after part one of date me, I realized that the traits and things I was shouting out, are some of the things that have failed me in my past. And by staying open and listening to what my classmates had to say, my eyes have been reopened to all the different characteristic and kinds of partners that are out there. People always say they have a “type” of romantic partner they are drawn to, but my type hasn’t worked out for me thus far so I may as well be open to trying something or someone new.  When it was the boys time to talk, you were so right, they barley had anything to say! After all the ladies being so vocal, I assumed the boys had been patiently waiting for their time to chime in, but I was very wrong. I was grateful for the volunteers that came in because otherwise it would have been extremely boring. Luckily the females spoke first, because I think we gave them some good ideas. It was fun to hear what they had to say though, yet I don’t see myself trying to mold myself into their ideal woman anytime soon. It was a little more challenging to understand what the men wanted because Ian was analyzing what they had to say instead of just writing it down like Tanya did so well. At the end of the day, the thing I really took away from part one was that everyone is looking for something a little different in their partners, and that’s what makes relationships so fun and unique. If we all wanted the same thing, we would get closer and closer to being the same people. I was super pissed that I let part two of the date me exercise slip my mind because I was assigned to write as a male trying to appeal to the females. When it comes to part 3, I would have chosen number five. Although I have a feeling that this one was written by a female due to length and the little yin and yang sing, I still resonated with this one the most. The other advertisements were too much about the guy himself, whereas this one was more appealing because it was about the guy and the girl’s future. Also, since it said something about asking what to do on a date, I really liked that, because that was something the girls tried hard to really express. Unfortunately, I missed class for part three so I didn’t get the chance to hear the consensus of which one won on either side, so I’ll have to get the scoop when I back in class on Tuesday. Overall, I really enjoyed this assignment because it was fun and I do feel like I was able to take away some valuable information on relationships moving on. Now that I had the chance to talk about the date me exercise, I will move onto chapter ten and cover some of the key topics. While going through the key terms and topics I will relate them to real life experiences in order to better understand them. I’ll start by talking about intimacy first, and the four dimensions that make it up. The first dimension of intimacy is physical, this has to do with touch between two people or partners. When going through my first yoga teacher training, I learned that adults living in the US don’t receive the amount of physical touch/ intimacy they need in order to thrive.  After learning about this I decided to do something about it, no matter how small. My dad has never been a hugger, and when he does hug its half assed and not sentimental. In an effort to break this statistic, each time I go over to my parents’ house I demand a true hug from everyone, including my dad, even if it takes a little convincing. The second dimension is intellectual sharing. As I’ve grown older and more independent, it feels as though I’m drifting further and further away from my friend Chloe, who I grew up with. I feel this because we no longer share intellectual thoughts with one another. I am a full-time student, I have a part time job and a teach 3 yoga classes a week, I have learned to value the hard work it takes to earn money. On the other hand, Chloe doesn’t work and is part time at community college in Colorado where her boyfriend lives. She doesn’t understand the hustle I go through each day and each week, and therefore our conversations have become much more surface level and shallow.  The third dimension is emotional, meaning the exchange of important emotions. When I think about this, I think about the beginning of my relationship with my ex Billy. I can specifically recall the night we both really allowed ourselves to open up and talk about our families, our pasts, our traumas, our hopes and dreams. After that night, we were so much closer, and our intimacy blossomed greatly. The final dimension of intimacy is shared activities. I shared this In my last post I believe, but being a part of a team can create immense bonds with people I would have never met otherwise. When I was on the swim team my freshman year of high school I made a long term friendship with my now really good friend Emma. With her being a senior and me being a freshman, If we weren’t on the swim team, we never would have met. To this day, however many years later, we are still great friends. Each and every winter I make it out to Colorado to spend some time skiing together, another activity we have in common that keeps our relationship strong. I found the “Communication in Families” section really interesting because I feel fortunate to have a family that values high conversation orientation. I feel as though there is very little I can’t say to my family. Although I do share more with my mom than I do with my dad, I would still say overall our family has high conversation orientation. The one topic that is never discussed between our family is sex, and if you ask me I’m fine with it because I think that would take it too far. I know that most kids didn’t grow up in a household where they can talk to their parents about stuff, so I always try my best to not take what I have for granted.

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Blog Post 7

In week seven we only covered chapter nine and did part one of the date me exercise. I’ll start by talking about some of the key concepts we covered in class and in the book and then will link them with a real-life example I can apply them to. When you first asked us “why do you chose to be around/ in relationship with people?” we all totally overthought the question. The answer is simple, either because you have choice, or you have no choice. There are eight reasons that factor into why we choose to develop the relationships we do. The first is appearance, and I feel as this one really hits home for intimate relationships. If I am not attracted by my intimate partner’s appearance, I’m not sure if that relationship will ever thrive. The second is similarity, I feel like one is more important in friendships, although I can definitely see it working for intimate relationships as well. My freshman year of high school I began making so many new friends due to being on the swim team. These were relationships with older girls I would have not met otherwise if we didn’t have our similarity of being on JV. Third is that the relationships we chose are complimentary. My sister and I’s relationship complement each other because we are the only two kids in my family. She satisfies my need for a sibling and a sister and I likewise do the same for her. Fourth factor in developing a relationship is there has to be reciprocal attraction between the two of you. I’ve had a crush on this guy Sergio for a while now and was hoping one day that we could date. But, after seeing him with so many other girls though out our friendship I’ve had to realize that all we will ever be is friends. Because there was not that reciprocal attraction, our relationship will never advance into something else. Fifth is competence, and right away this makes me think of my homie Megan. Megan hustles and I respect her for it so much. She pays for everyyyyyything on her own. She bought her first car, just moved into a nice apartment, pays for her own school, and works two jobs while still maintaining a social life. I admire her hard work, and she makes me a better and more grateful person. She’s a competent young woman and therefore of course I want her to be a strong relationship in my life. Disclosure is the sixth component in developing a relationship. My mom and I have such a tight bond because we are so willing to be open and honest with one another. Our high level of two-way disclosure is what keeps us so close. Proximity is the seventh reason and is a good example of why you tend to be good friends with roommates.  My freshman year of college at Colorado State University I didn’t know a single person going in. Shortly after fall semester started my roommate Alison and I we best friends. I’m not sure if we would have been as close if we were not literally living on top of one another, but proximity is what really molded our bond (that and being homesick lol). Rewards are the last, but not least, reason we decide to be in relationship with others. Within rewards we find the social exchange theory that we talked about both in class and in the book. The equation is what helped me further understand this theory (Rewards – Costs = Benefits) . This one made me think back to an old professor who I despised. Right when class started at the beginning of the term, I knew I wasn’t going to like her. I paused and did the equation. The rewards of putting up with her and not dropping would be that I would get the credit over with and out of the way, I would be able to pull off a decent grade because I did hear she was the easier of the two professors, and I could take more electives senior year. The costs consisted of; dreading going to class every day and having to put on a fake face to not let her know I hated her. In the end, the rewards outweighed the costs and I sucked the class up and got my credits over with. After I made the choice to stay in the class, I had to also make the choice to be in a relationship with someone whom I didn’t enjoy being around. Even before the eight factors came in, the simple question of choice or no choice comes into play. The Developmental perspective of relational models was interesting but hard to believe if you ask me. The factors that make it up make sense to me, but I don’t believe that it only flows one way and one way only. The Dialectical perspective made a little more sense to me but I’m still not sure I agree with it fully. Since we got to cover the two relational models in class, I’m going to skip an in-depth analysis of those two and make sure I understand what the final group presented on: Maintaining Interpersonal Relationships. To be honest the candy had me distracted because I was so focused on getting some because I was so hungry. Anyway… They started by covering the five strategies to maintain satisfaction within relationships. The first strategy is being invested in each other’s friends, family and loves ones through a social network. I think this is extremely important for romantic relationships, because if I don’t like someone’s family or they are not close/ connected it is hard for me to really get over that. I think that everyone can agree that a little assurance can go a long way in relationships, and that is the second factor. Whether it be verbal or nonverbal ways of showing your partner that they matter to you, it is always appreciated because an effort was made. The third factor is openness. My friend Emma has been dating her boyfriend forever, but he cheats on her. She knows that I want better for her and therefore she has stopped calling me crying when he does it again and again. As she begins to close herself off to me, our relationship began to suffer. Since I didn’t want to lose her valued friendship, I communicated to her that although I may not like Tim, and I don’t agree with how she treats her, I still want her to be able to tell me the truth. Once she realized that there was no judgement and just support, she began to open back up, in turn restoring our relationship. Positivity is an easy thing that goes a long way when maintaining relationships. My sister is super negative all the time. So negative that she wants other people to be in a bad mood with her, so she’ll intentionally bring others down. It is completely exhausting and makes me wonder why I even try with her sometimes. Something as easy as being more positive and optimistic would really go a long way with our relationship. The last of the five factors is shared tasks. This one really makes me think of romantic partners that are living together, but since I don’t have that I’ll refer back to when I lived with my parents. When I was feeling overwhelmed with school, my moms first question would be “what can I do to help?”. Although she couldn’t understand my homework, she would do anything else to help take any kind of weight off my shoulders. Things as simple as doing my laundry for me or making my favorite dinner would go a long way. I guess I had more to talk about in chapter nine than I thought, so stay tuned to hear about date me in the next blog!

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Blog Post #6

In class this week, we covered chapters 6 and 7. 6 covered language, and in my opinion was one of the more challenging chapters we’ve gone over thus far. I think it was challenging because of all of the unfamiliar vocab words. I’m going to go through some of these words in hopes to better understand them by making real life comparisons. The first one I was unclear about was equivocation, but after doing a little outside research I realized I am more familiar with it than I thought I was. An awesome example of equivocation is Abbott and Costello's "Who's on first?" skit. This reminded me of an example from my own life as well, the other day my sister and I were talking and she asked what I was up to. I told her I was watching ap bio. She responded in confusion, “since when do you take AP bio? I thought you were a business major?”. I then had to clarify that AP bio is a new show I’m watching on Hulu. The next one I was struggling with was relative words, which gain meaning by comparison. I had to hop online for this one also to gain a little more inside about it, after doing that I found another real-life example. I was showing a picture of this guy I like to my mom on Instagram. The first thing she said was “is he short?”. I then had to tell her that the girls he was standing next to in the picture were both wearing heels, and therefore in comparison to them, yes, he looked short. But, in reality, he is not short. Moving on to static evaluations, which I didn’t realize I use all the time. I could give one hundred examples of this one, because I use it so frequently, but the most recent instance was “my hair is a mess”. By simply adding “right now” or “today” at the end of “my hair is a mess” It would have been a more accurate representation, and likewise it would not have been a static evaluation. I’m still slightly caught up on what disruptive language is, but I’m going to give it a go anyway. The other day at work, I told my coworker that I set up a dressing room for Mary, the red headed woman who was still shopping. When Mary made her way back to the dressing room, my coworker gave her an entirely new room, instead of the one I had already prepped for her. The confusion came from the fact that I considered Mary a redhead, whereas my coworker thought she had blonde hair. Neither of us were wrong, it was just a matter of perception. Moving on to chapter 7 which was all about nonverbal communication. The first characteristic of nonverbal communication that stood out to me was the fact that it is vital. Vital is a powerful word, but it is appropriate here because communication would not be the same without nonverbals. Likewise, nonverbal communication has communicative value. This means that all nonverbals communicate a message, even when they aren’t trying to. The example of this that really hit home with me is that when you choose to not respond to a text message, you are still communicating. What you are communicating by being silent is that you can’t be bothered, or that you are mad at the other party. Since nonverbals are primary relational, they convey the emotions we are unwilling to express just like the Lucy video our group showed during our presentation. Although Lucy was trying to sell the product as something delicious and enjoyable, her nonverbals told a drastically different story. Like I previously touched on, nonverbals can occur in mediated communicate just like face to face communication. By simply not responding as fast as usual you are sending nonverbal signals that you don’t want to talk at the moment. Like I’ve admitted to in previous blogs, I’m an avoider. So when I get text messages that involve confrontation, I usually just ignore them. I know this isn’t the healthiest thing to do, and instead I should communicate that I would rather talk in person via text instead of just straight up ignoring because that sends the message that I don’t care when that really isn’t the whole truth. Nonverbal communication serves 6 functions, the most important in my opinion, is repeating. When nonverbals are paired with verbal communication, the message being presented is that much clearer. I think our group did an awesome job displaying this right in the beginning of our presentation when I was talking about body orientation and we all simultaneously turned and faced the board with our backs to the audience. Our message was so much more effective because my words were repeated by our actions. That was one of my favorite parts of the presentation because the class responded really well to it. Nonverbals also have the ability to substitute for spoken words. A simple middle finger to the crappy driver who cut you off does the trick without having to scream out your window like a crazy person. Another example of this is when I teach my kids yoga class, sometimes things get out of hand. Instead of attempting to yell over the kids and my music, I put one finger up to my mouth and pucker my lips as if I were saying “shh”. This is even more effective than me escalating the already loud room. Like always, there are two major influences that play into nonverbal communication; culture and gender. In my opinion, culture is the more noticeable and therefore that is the one I am going to go more in depth about. In different cultures, different hand gestures mean different things. In America placing your thumb and pointer finger together to make an OK means just that. But in other counties, it means something sexual and highly offensive. This makes me think back to my international business class, where Prof Mousettis would always say “it’s not good or bad, it’s just different”. I think that really applies here because so many times people believe that their culture is superior, and therefore, they shouldn’t have to abide by other cultures rules. Being a global citizen means being flexible and aware of what is respectful in other cultures, especially when doing business with them. Finally, I am briefly going to talk about types of nonverbal communication, which is what my group presented on. The first type is body movement, which is what comes to my mind first when I think about nonverbal communication. When we talk about gestures, what immediately pops into my head is my friend Gianni’s big Italian family. If you stand too close to his grandma when she is excited and telling a story you could get your head taken off because her hands are going a million miles a minute, just like her words. I am notorious for getting loud when I am excited, and the more amped up I am, the louder I get. This is an example of nonverbal communication using my voice. Nonverbal communication also entails touch. At first I didn’t really like the trump video that Ian was going to talk about, because I didn’t understand it, but once he uncovered the subtle nonverbals between Trump and the other world leader I realized what a great video it was. To wrap it all up I will talk about physical appearance. I loved the idea you gave us to all dress differently, and I think that the class appreciated it as well…at least once they found out it was strategic. It was crazy to hear the reactions that my classmates had to my appearance. It just goes to show, the quote “dress to impress” really holds true.

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Blog Post #5

Chapter 8 was all about listening, so listen up, it's my time to talk about it. Let's start with the way you decided to trick us… not cool. I about had a heart attack when I thought I was going to get a 0 on my quiz. And from that point on, my listening got even worse. It was as though I had this funnel hearing that was only listening for anything to do with grading (selective listening). Every other word that came out of your mouth was muted because of frustration and stress. I was so focused on the noise of what was going on in my own head that my ability to listen decreased significantly. And then boom, the trick was over and I wanted to hear what you had to say because it had to do with me actually getting at 100% on my quiz. After reflecting on this little trick you played, I came to realize that I do this a lot more than I like to admit. I don’t like when I don’t get my way, and when the conversation seems to be leading to me not getting my way, I tend to check out. I can specifically remember the last instance this happened. I had my heart set on getting breakfast food one night for dinner, and my friend Emma completely shot my idea down. She started giving other suggestions trying to make both of us happy and I just didn’t even bother to listen to her. I ended up getting my way because of my childish communication skills. I’m hoping that now that I can better identify when I chose to be a poor listener, I can begin to make improvements. In life, things are not always going to go my way and I need to be able to adjust easier and still be open to listening to what others have to say. Although I was pissed off in the moment, the trick you played on us was a huge eye opening experience.

Moving on to some of the types of ineffective listening. When i’m on the phone, like you mentioned, I am a huge pseudo listener. Especially when it comes to my sister. I’ve mentioned our phone conversations in a previous blog. She is the kind of person who can talk for 20 minutes straight without letting me get a single word in. As long as I keep saying “uh huh” or “yeah me too” she’ll keep talking until I tell her I have to go. Another form of ineffective listening that I am very guilty of is stage hogging. I know that I do it, so i’m trying my best to be a mindful listener more often. I love to talk, and I think that is where my stage hogging stems from. I feel as though if I don’t share my thoughts, an opportunity will be missed. Instead of seeing it as a missed opportunity, I need to realize that i’m really not that important. If the conversation moves on and I didn’t get the chance to share my thought, it’s not the end of the world. I have an outgoing personality, and therefore I am inclined to want to talk more. What I really need to do, is give others the chance to speak up, because there is so much value in listening to what others have to say. I’ve been working really hard on this in our group dynamic for this class. I am a talker, and on the other hand, Lia is not. I’m being super conscious of making space for her to speak up. Likewise, when she does talk, I am very intentional in my listening because when she does add to the conversation it is always something worthwhile.  

When we discussed the reasons we don’t listen better the one that really hit home to me was rapid thought. When the book put it in a numerical sense I was able to grasp the concept even better. The fact that humans can listen and decipher up to 600 words a minute, but we only usually speak 100 was astonishing to me. Like I mentioned in class, i’m a big daydreamer. Since my mind always likes to live in a fantasy world, when i’m listening sometimes it is hard for me to keep my head out of the clouds. A way I can work on this is by being a more active and mindful listener. I can do both of those things by engaging more with the person who I am listening to. Some ways I could become further engaged in a conversation is by asking more leading questions and sending more nonverbal cues such as nodding or smiling. I also liked that effort was one of the reasons we don’t listen better. It is hard work being a mindful listener, and especially since I grew up in a house of talkers, I was never trained how to be a good listener. My listening skills we not well developed when I was younger and I feel like that is where my stage hogging could come from also. Growing up with my sister, the talker, I always had to fight my way to being heard and so I would just talk louder and more. I’ve had to work hard to develop the listening skills that I have today, and I know I still have a long way to go.

I briefly touched on ways to be a better listener in the last paragraph, but I will further explore those ideas here as well. I need to do a whole lot less talking if i’m ever going to become a better listener. I love the quote “You were born with two ears and one mouth for a reason” because it really puts things into perspective for me. By simply talking less, I will automatically become a better listener because I wont be so focused on what i’m going to say next and I’ll have more time to actually appreciate what others add.

I feel pretty well versed in most of the listening responses, but something I don’t have much practice in is paraphrasing. I could see paraphrasing really enhancing my listening skills once I master it. By paraphrasing my speakers thoughts, I will make sure that what I decoded was the true meaning of their message. This will greatly help decrease any miscommunication that occurs right away.

At the end of the day, I realize that there is still a lot of work that needs to be done with my listening skills. But i’m confident that I can become a more mindful listener with all of these tools i’ve learned here in chapter 8.  

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Blog Post #4

This week in class we covered chapters chapters 11 and 12. Chapter 11 was all about communication climates in interpersonal communication. I’m going to take some time to decipher some of the communication climates I have with my family and close friends. I’ll start with my mom because this is an easy one. We have an extremely positive communication climate, because there is reciprocated respect, trust, and support. My mom and I rarely butt heads and we are both proficient in communicating any current issues we feel stand in the way of our relationship. On the other hand, my friend Chloe and I have recently developed a poor communication climate. Since we live in different states, our communication is limited to channels such as text messages, social media, and phone calls. After my recent visit to her out in Colorado, we haven’t been on good terms. She reached out to me and I intentionally ignored her text message. By doing so, I really did send a loud and clear message to her that I don’t want to be in communication with her. Likewise, I thought of her the other day and decided to reach out, and I got the same cold response in return. The communication climate is negative between us due to the lack of effort to keep in touch on both of our ends, and also because of the way that things left off the last time we were in person together. In order for us to change this, we will need to sit down in person and express our frustrations that haven’t been talked about yet.

We also took an in depth look at confirming and disconfirming messages in class. I great example of a disconfirming message is ignoring someone, like me and Chloe both chose to do to each other. Another example is when my sister sends me paragraph text messages trying to argue with me. I pick and choose what I want to respond to, giving an ambiguous response, or I just completely change the subject, offering a tangential response. Neither of these make her feel as though I care about what she has to say, similarly she doesn't feel valued, which is the exact point of disconfirming messages. On the other hand, there are confirming messages. The two most important confirming messages to me are acknowledgement and endorsement. I believe they are the most important because when you give someone acknowledgment and endorsement, you can begin to see them truly bloom and thrive. An example of acknowledgement can be as simple as allowing someone to unload while talking together and intently listening to them to better understand and recognize what they are going through. Endorsement can be as easy as buying girl scout cookies to help the girl scout down the street reach her goal. By purchasing her cookies, you are showing her that what she is doing matters to you and you want her to succeed. In my opinion, it is so much easier to send confirming messages than it is to send disconfirming ones. And if everyone worked a little harder to be kinder to one another by using confirming messages, the world would be a much better place.

Moving on to chapter 12, which had to do allllll about conflict. I swear this syllabus aligned perfectly with what is going on in my life because I needed this chapter more than ever. While reading chapter 12 I gained some major insight as to the different kinds of conflict styles which helped me identify that I am an avoider. Conflict makes my skin crawl, therefore I stay away from addressing it at all costs. Just because I avoid conflict doesn't mean that conflict does not exist in my life, it simply means that when it does occur... I run for the hills. This avoidance conflict style does more harm than good because all it does is prolong the skin crawling conflict that I hate so much. Now that I more aware that this is the style I turn to, I can be more conscious about trying not to run away and instead face it head on. When I avoid things, no one wins and that sucks.  I want to become more proficient in collaborating when faced with conflict. In order to become a better collaborator, I need to be very aware of my emotions and know when is a good time to step back to cool off.

The last thing we did in class was look at the common conflict variables, which are the same variables for like all of interpersonal communication, gender and culture. The gender one hit home for me because when i’m in conflict with my mom it’s very different than when I am in conflict with my dad. When my mom and I are arguing, there are a lot more emotions involved. Let's be honest, someone usually cries. Whereas when i’m in conflict with my dad, we kind of just ignore each other until we forget about what happens. After writing that last sentence i’m beginning to see where my avoidance style has come from. I think my dad and I are similar in that sense. I really enjoyed the topics we covered this week and i’m looking forward for what else is to come!

[collegestudent123456-blog]

Blog Post #3

During week three of class we covered both chapters 4 and 5, so buckle up, we have a lot to cover. Starting in chapter 4, I want to cover perception influencers. I thought that the most relatable influence on perception was the psychological factors. Health has a huge influence on my perceptions. I have depression, but on the daily it usually stays under control. When I am experiencing a depressive state or period, my perception of everything is extremely skewed. I feel as though I am the victim off all the bad things that could happen to me. Something as little as burnt toast is enough to take me over the edge. My perception of the burnt toast is that I can’t do anything right, i’m a failure and a loser. All of these thoughts are things I would never feel on a normal day, so when my depression flares up it is important for me to remember that the world is not after me, i’m just in a rough patch that will pass eventually.

I have a similar experience when it comes to my womanly biological cycle that I experience each month. Although it's always joked about in T.V. shows, my world is literally turned upside down when I am on my period. My perceptions are all out of whack. The smallest amount of constructive feedback can make me feel under attack. With my hormones out of control, my mind feels a similar way. The best way I feel to combat this shift in my perceptions for the week or so is to communicate to my loved ones what I am experiencing. This way, no one takes things personally and they can better understand why I may have some overreactions or flawed perceptions.

Another influence on perception that I have a vivid example for is cultural differences. I am so embarrassed to write this because I like to pride myself on being an open minded and cultured person. I’ve caught myself questioning why certain cultures/people don’t chose to wear deodorants while i’m teaching a yoga class that is in a room heated to 103 degrees. I want to just erase that last sentence, but I’m hoping you wont judge me because i’m supposed to be honest on here. I found myself momentary questioning and perceiving that person as someone who is uncleanly or doesn't care about their hygiene, when in reality that is not the truth. It is simply a cultural difference that isn’t right or wrong, it is just simply different. I now do a better job of keeping my perceptions in check when I experience similar things when teaching. Just because I do something a certain way doesn't make it right.

I loveeeeeddd the discussion about perception checking, and I think the group did a good job of explaining it with their skits. This is such a useful tool I could really benefit from in my personal life. I like to jump to the worse case scenario when problems arise. Instead of clarifying what the other person meant, I just go with what I thought it meant which is almost never true. This weekend, while at the bars, my friend Megan was ignoring my texts so that I could find her. I practiced perception checking by describing that she wasn’t responding to me when I finally saw her in person. Second, I asked if she was doing this because she was annoyed with me or because she was busy, following that I asked her to clarify. She told me she was simply catching up with an old friend she ran into and didn’t want to be rude by looking at her phone. By getting the clarification, I could stop the vicious cycle of overthinking and simply enjoy the rest of my evening.

I once had an ex boyfriend tell me I had zero emotional intelligence, in all honesty I think that says more about him than it does me. He was an asshole, hence the fact that we are no longer together. I know that doesn't have to do with class but since we covered that It just made me think about it. After multiple teacher trainings and plenty of courses in self development I like to think I am pretty aware of my emotions and i’ve grown to further understand them.. I’m still working on the whole managing them part thought. 

When looking at the four elements of emotions, one that I could use some major work on is the non-verbal reactions. If i’m feeling some type of way, you can usually tell just by the way I hold myself. I’ve never been good at “faking it till I make it” because if i'm frustrated with you, elated to see you, or crushing hard on you, you are going to know. When i’m happy you get a teethy smile from ear to ear or if i’m mad you get crossed arms and a power stance. I think because my non-verbal reactions are so prevalent, i’m better able to  read them in other people. I’m also really bad at emotional labor. In work settings when I get upset with a guest I need to step off the floor and completely recoup or even trade guests with another coworker. The worst is when people just don’t respect me, it makes it sooo hard for me to continue to be nice to them.  

I also gained a lot of insight through covering the guidelines for expressing emotion. I think everyone could greatly benefit from expanding their emotional vocabulary. I so often throw around the words anxious and depressed that they have lost their true weight with my family and friends. By incorporating a larger range of emotional words into my vocabulary, not only will I be better at expressing my true feelings, but those around me will know better how to support me.

[collegestudent123456-blog]

Blog Post #2

Week two has wrapped up so it’s time to reflect on chapter 3. I may go a little out of order here but I want to start by discussing the presenting self and the perceived self. I so badly want to say that the self I present to people is the same person I perceive myself as, but I know that is not true. The self that I choose to present changes drastically when i’m in different settings. When I go to school, I walk a fine line of effort and ease. I want to be known as a good student, but I don’t want my classmates or professors to see me as a suck up or try hard. Same goes for my appearance, I chose not to wear makeup to class because I always say “I have no one to impress here” yet, I intentionally chose my outfits to present someone who is active and put together. In my work setting, I go above and beyond what is asked of me because I want to be seen as someone who is worthy of moving up and promotions. Likewise, the company I work for currently, is the company I see myself working for for the rest of my professional career. Because I see my future in this company, I always present my best, most professional self. I make sure my appearance is polished and my makeup is clean. The last setting I have a very different presenting self is when I teach my kids yoga class. When I am in front of these 1-5th graders I intentionally present myself as someone they can look up to, and someone they can confide in. I chose to talk about relatable things, like spring break, since we are all still students. I also wear more conservative yoga clothes, not something I would practice in on my own, and no make up to give the young girls the idea that it isn’t necessary. I change myself in these different settings so that others will perceive me in a certain manner that I want them to.

The person I perceive myself as is more constant than the person I present myself as. Similarly, my perceived self is a reflection of my self concept. And self concept is defined as who I believe myself to be. Unless i’m feeling wild and crazy, my appearance stays pretty much the same; long brown hair, brown eyes, facial piercings. My mood stays pretty constant, happy and positive. I’m introverted yet extroverted at the same time, it depends on who I am surrounded by. I’m a talented teacher, yet I shy away from authority when power is involved. So on and so forth through the 9 elements that make up my self concept. These things stay the same unless major life events happen like an engagement or graduating school.

I next want to discuss self disclosure because I think this is a juicy topic. Self disclosure is deliberately revealing information about yourself you usually wouldn’t. I put my foot in my mouth the other day when self disclosing because it was a moment of catharsis. While I was at work my sister was pestering me to buy her something with my discount. This is highly against the rules, and grounds for me to be fired. Shhhh… I have done it before. But this time I didn’t want to. I would usually keep my mouth shut and just deal with this on my own, but I was frustrated and wanted to talk to someone. In the hopes of getting it off my chest I told a coworker what my sister was asking me to do for her. Therefore putting a target on my back and making it seem as though i've done it in the past. Right after I said anything I knew it wasn’t appropriate to disclose to that person, especially in the work setting. I seeked the momentary benefit of getting it off my chest, but ran the risk of damaging the relationship I have with that coworker because they may feel as though they have to tell management. Although my coworkers are people I trust and admire, sometimes they don’t need to know everything. Choosing not to self disclose in my work setting is something i’m going to focus on a little harder, so that I can avoid instances like this in the future.

The things I didn’t think about were the “when to disclose” part of lecture. It would have done me good to think about if what I was disclosing was appropriate for the setting I was in. Similarly if the risk that came with disclosing was reasonable. If I would have considered these two factors, I would have chosen not to disclose. A good alternative in this case would have been to just keep silent. Or I could have disclosed to someone I am closer with, where no risk would have been involved. By disclosing to someone like my mom, or a friend who didn’t work with me, I would have avoided all risk. The benefit of getting it off my chest was definitely not worth losing my job over. After this lecture I feel as though things are a lot clearer when it comes to disclosing personal information. I also feel as though I will do a better job in the future when it comes to choosing when and who to disclose to.

[collegestudent123456-blog]

Blog post 1

The first week of classes for the term has wrapped up, and now it is time to sit down and reflect on some of my learnings in Interpersonal Communications. Throughout the two chapters we covered this week I have identified some concepts I see present in my life that I find value in discussing. The first being, how I want to define interpersonal communication. As discussed in class, there are two major definitions. The first being, what makes communication interpersonal is simply if it is two people. The second has more parameters; whether it is unique, irreplaceable, interdependent, and has no level of disclosure. I think that a blend of the two definitions is a well rounded glimpse of what interpersonal communication is.

When we were discussing the different kinds of communication models linear stuck out to me because sometimes I feel as though this is how communication goes when talking with my sister.  She is one of those people who can have a 20 minute phone “conversation” and you only get 3 words in the entire span of those 20 minutes. Although it feels linear because I am not playing much of an active role in our conversation, it still is transactional. It remains transactional because while i’m listening to her I am still decoding her message, as well as rolling my eyes, and sharing small bits of feedback here and there verbally. I also have a frame of reference, that this is an ongoing occurrence in our relationship. Similarly, my internal stimuli was expecting the conversation to play out this way, before I even accepted the call.

Before breaking down all of the little parts of the transactional model I had no idea how many little moving pieces making up communication. Likewise I was oblivious to the fact that I am doing each of those little things everytime I engage with someone else. I found the activity we did in class, exploring different situations and relationships, to be very beneficial in the deciphering of these steps. Not only were the skits funny and relatable, each group did a really good job of clearly exemplifying the parts that make up the model.  

When we began discussing chapter two I really enjoyed our discussion of what we “love to hate” because I found it soooo relatable. So many times I find myself scrolling and scrolling, silently commenting to myself about how annoying someone’s content is, yet I don’t unfollow them. And I strategically don’t unfollow them because I want to continue to see their annoying content. I hate that sometimes I think its funny to watch people make a fool of themselves on social media. There is this one girl, brittany, that I follow… and I can’t stand her… but I can’t wait to click on her instagram story because I know i’m going to get a laugh out of it. These weird contradictions make social media a strange place.  

I actually just deactivated my instagram account on monday, and it has been really refreshing. When we were discussing social media we covered some of the drawbacks that come along with it. The one that really hit home with me was the social isolation. I was oblivious to how little I was going out or interacting with people outside of school and work because I felt as though i was being fulfilled through my social media use. Stepping back from instagram has been refreshing, and it hasn’t even been a week yet. I’ve had to make a better effort to reach out to my non-local friends via phone call or text since i’m not following their every moves on instagram anymore.

Another drawback of social media that I have encountered personally is the deception. I know that I do it and therefore I know other people do it as well. It is so easy to fabricate your life behind a screen. I think that is what I was getting so tired of on instagram. Everyone only posts photos of them having a good time. No one posts on the days when they have 6 zits and are hungover. Since there is a lack of “the bad” to balance out “the good” on instagram, the perception of reality on the social media site is altered or skewed. When scrolling it can be detrimental to my mental health because I move into a state of comparison. Instead of being happy with where i’m at I begin to want things that I never knew I wanted before scrolling.

I’m glad to say now that I feel as though I understand social media enough to use it in a way that is solely beneficial. I will continue my instagram hiatus until I feel as though i’m ready to go back to the craziness. I also feel power knowing that I am the one in control. I think breaks like the one i’m taking now should become a more frequent thing, giving myself time and space to reset.

I’m looking forward to the “my life is a lie” presentations that will be happening on thursday. I think it will be a humbling experience for all of us to see the lies we tell all the time to our followers. I think this class is going to challenge me in new ways and i'm excited to see how i grow not only as a student but as a person as well.