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apathy.

Someone asked me what my passion is. Surprisingly, I struggled so hard to answer, and made up some response I did not believe was true with my whole heart.

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PerDev Reflection Series: Maslow

Q: In Maslow's hierarchy of needs, where do you find yourself? Which needs are being met? What needs are not yet met? What do you have to do to fulfill your needs so you can move towards self-actualization/realization?

My needs for belonging, safety, and physiological matters have surely been met; I have family and friends who love me dearly and whom I love back. I have incredibly supportive parents who’d do anything to make sure my physical well-being is taken care of and that I have a sturdy roof above my head. Though I do lack in myself, I have issues with self-respect--maybe that could explain why I feel like the image I have of myself seems to have no clear outlines. I worry about the choices I make every day: the ones I make and the ones I choose to skip.

To be quite honest, I’ve been wanting to self-reflect in some quiet time I could set apart for myself but I’ve been unconsciously putting it off. I guess, it’s mentally exhausting and a bit terrifying to face and acknowledge my deepest insecurities. I’m quite the avoider. I’ve wallowed in these self-deprecating thoughts before and it always just breaks my heart. I rather see, right now, that instead of spending time evaluating myself and tuning into the endless ramblings of my brain, I find it more convenient and productive to actually do things I perceive to be good. But then again, I can’t really fix my flaws if I haven’t actually examined how deep they are.

There’s this constant sort of polarity between who I want to become and what I believe is the best way to go about achieving that ideal self. My mind is a confusing mess. I can only move towards self-actualization if I discover a way to constructively build myself up without being carried away in melancholic self-loathing.

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PerDev Reflection Series: Holistic Development

Q: How are you developing as a person based on the five aspects of holistic development (i.e., psychological, social, cognitive, physiological, and spiritual)?

In my head, each of the five aspects bears a certain philosophical weight which sets it apart from the others and so, for things to be as coherent in my mind as possible, I’ll write in ascending order of weightiness.

Today, I am an average, healthy adolesecent. As lucky as I am, I grew to become biologically normal, no sensory issues nor organ defects (except for my mild lumbar scoliocis, that is). My BMI scores are at the right place although, I lack much in the physical strength department. I am mostly vegetarian; I can only hope to be fitter if I choose to exercise regularly.

During the past year, I was able to live away from home independently for nine months. Acknowledging the fact that I’ve only ever gone to school here in TCS since I was six, I lacked enough social skills to associate myself with entirely unfamiliar people. The comfort of the known caused me to wallow in introversion and become cripple in the unknown. Through all the awkward silences and pats, the emparassing, and the extended moments and feelings of loneliness; as cheesy as it sounds; I learned to love, laugh, and cry with incredible people I didn’t know could become dear to me. I’ve grown so much in the past two years and I’ve gained more confidence to open my mouth more frequently! Store cashiers and clerks used to make me so anxious...

My cognitive growth isn’t as obvious to me. Perhaps, there hasn’t been much or I’m just totally unaware of it. although, I know that I’ve become more hesitant to make decisions--as I’ve become more aware of life’s consequences, and I’m trying to be more calculating and easygoing at the same time (which is very hard to do). Sadly, I think understanding/analyzing concepts, especially mathematical ones, has become more arduous to me.

Psychologically, I trust myself to learn from every experience, both successes and failures. I can say that I am quite good at controlling my emotions, especially in public; however, not so much at home (home has always been the place to be comfortable, after all). Now, I do try to keep myself occupied enough so that I could hold onto sanity. Idleness has never been good for my mental state. Those infamous constant feelings of emptiness at the pit of my stomach during my stay away from home made me realize that an active mind is a healthy one, springing with goals and ambitions, coupled with the company and warmth of people.

Lastly, my spiritual life is a cliche, a series of ups and downs--a rollercoaster. I always knew and still believe that peace of heart could only be achieved with prayer and communion with the Heavenly Father. All these ambitions and ever-changing states could never satisfy, that is for sure. I could barely keep up with my daily quiet time schedule with God, and have been holding myself from Him by fooling myself that I’m too busy. I love God so much but that is a struggle I carry so heavily today.

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PerDev Reflection Series

hi me.

I’ll be posting some school essays I’ve written for my personal development class. The (un)knowing world shall see it all. I feel so narcissistic about reading them all over and over again in my notebook, so I’m releasing it here, in this dusty corner of the interwebz so that I could feel even more narcissistic knowing that I could access these anytime, anywhere to my heart’s desire. ;)

Um hey, it also is important to look at the past, to sail gracefully into the present.

stay tuned, no one?

[colorfulwalnut]

Sending Myself away

I packed a suitcase halfway

not quite ready to go.

Awfully soft hands

legs without much muscle

fragile bones, yes, barely backbones

A heart purely naive thrown near a pack of wolves into the unknown 

Faceless persons await me

they might not care at all

Seconds formerly insignificant

nothing less than nothing!

but now each tick feels more louder than the one before

Will I be fine without you?

without your gentle breath grazing my skin in the night?

without your strong arms covering the blazing sunlight?

I’m leaving the comfort of you and you

you told me to go

now I’m sending myself away

(trembling terrified unsure)

Be the pillar of my strength

Goodbye now my Dear,

A different person will visit you soon.

.....

God, Thicken my Callous!

-SianJ, 7.5.17

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Ambient loneliness

Wanting, desires surging

blissful sting

eyes shut

I dream of you

far and unreachable; in miles perhaps, in time more surely

the Heart desires that of which is not there.

I want you / I need you, I want you more than I need you

but have no sense of where to find you

raging hormones with sweet-like decadence

I dream a future of us

far-off; far-fetched

the Heart yearns for another soul

one soul that willfully intertwines with Mine

Created the illusion

Hopefully,

the universe will dress it for reality.

...

i fear it will look drastically different.

-SianJ 5.9.17

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feeding the procrastination ape

hi. right now im supposed to be writing a research paper conclusion about social media and filipinos. im giving myself a break even though i dont deserve one. okay. ill get back to work. soon. now. qwsbdjZKS cwkjdcDasd fsadfrevesrvqgr

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aila bih credits please haha <3

fear is a small iron cage i have built for myself

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Away From Words, A Way with Words

i would very much like to speak with ease

and seek out pieces of thoughts and words

squeezing, pulling and twisting a sponge 

desperate desperate

as if it were my brain

oh like a desert, it is as dry and void of the living !

my mind has been deserted by words

i am away from words

a horrendous sometimes diplomat sandstorm carries them away

around in its circling spiralling mess i look for the one best fitting

i wonder if there is pith beneath my tongue or at the back of my throat

it seems impossible

I GIVE UP.

though i still cling on to the ever thinning thread

maybe somehow someday

i’ll have a way with words.

(poem by SIANJ, 4-21-16)

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