commitmentallychallenged

[commitmentallychallenged]

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“Hi, Kim” you had the nerve to text. After being out and about in Dallas. Running around with god-knows-what kind of whores. Your favorite kind. Picking up prostitutes at the Ritz. Looking for someone who could only see your money. Looking for someone who couldn’t and wouldn’t look past that because then they’d see how empty you really are. They’d see that you don’t have anything that feels really fulfilling in your life. You float from one obsession to the next. Flighty feelings of grandiose perceived “happiness.” You pretend that you live the best life. That you can buy anything without a second glance at it. But it’s true what they say, you can’t buy happiness.

You can’t buy what you really want. So you fake it. And at the end of the day, you’re empty, even when your bed isn’t. You’ve spent all your time buying people. Buying friends. Buying women. Buying the image of success. And you’re miserable. Full of pride and ego. You’d never actually admit to anyone that you need anyone. 

You spent years trying to win a war with someone who had already won the war. You weren’t fighting her. You were fighting yourself. You were trying to prove that you won the war. And you were trying to prove it by tarnishing her name. Who really cares if she really had nothing to begin with anyways? She doesn’t and she knows that. And you can’t stand it. Because you felt entitled to something. Anything. And you ended up with nothing. Nothing but a bill for the divorce. The divorce she so meticulously planned. And you can’t stand the thought of it. But you are consumed with that war.

So consumed in fact, that you didn’t even think about me. Because who really cares about me, right? Obviously not you.

You humiliated me. 

We sat there at a table of 10 of your friends. And all you could do was babble on about her. Never mind the fact that I dropped everything I was doing at work to fly down to San Antonio to spend maybe a day with you before you moved on to some other slut who fed your ego. And yet here I was sitting there, stupidly, dumbfounded and completely humiliated. Before Mike saw the look on my face as I bowed my head in shame and hurt and he had to tell you to stop talking about her. And I bet you didn’t notice any of that did you?

And it didn’t matter to you when the Sunglass Hut girl called you at the dinner table. And you let it ring pretending you didn’t still keep in touch with her. Pretending that it was some random coincidence. Blatantly lying to my face that it was nothing. 

And that time you sent me the screenshot of your call log trying to convince me that the only people you talked to were me and the attorney on the capital murder case? What a bunch of shit. 

You are a liar. A manipulator. A narcissist. Such a narcissist in fact that you have led everyone to believe that you are the victim of these women. When in reality, it is the other way around.

And you had the nerve to text me. Like I was another one of those women. I am not. I am strong. I am brilliant. I am smart. I am beautiful. And any real man would know that the was lucky to have me. A real man would make me feel honored, respected, and loved. A real man wouldn’t talk down on me like you did. A real man wouldn’t play the games you played with me. A real man would own up to his faults and mistakes. A real man wouldn’t shut a good woman out. 

But I know now why you shut me out. Because you had found a new fucktoy. Some little slut that had been chasing you on instagram. Praising you. To you, you saw some naive girl who boosted your ego. Someone you could buy their attention for a bit to fulfill your immediate impulses. So you treated me like complete shit. To chase after some whore. 

You left in the middle of the night claiming you had to work. I’m not an idiot Sam. And I guess now you’re done with that whore and you want to come back.

But the truth is Sam. I don’t hate you, I hate myself for ever believing you were a good person. I cannot even look at your texts without being completely and utterly disgusted with myself for ever even having THOUGHT about falling for you. I am disgusted with myself for thinking that you and I were alike. For believing that we were both hopeless romantics with good hearts who just happened to have found the wrong people. I am disgusted with myself for believing that we might have been soulmates. How could I be so blind? So naive? 

And as much as it disgusts me to say it, I still love you. And I still think of you each day. My heart has a little pang of hurt when I see the La La Land billboard on my way home from work. My heart breaks a little when I see that the John Mayer concert is next week. My heart aches when I scroll through my phone and I see our pictures. The pictures of us that you were never dare to post because you wanted to still draw attention from sluts on instagram. 

And as much as I would love to hate you. I don’t. And that makes me hate myself. So that is why I never respond. And unless there’s some sort of compelling reason to, I never will. Not unless you decide to say something of value. 

Hi Sam.

I’ve moved on.

[commitmentallychallenged]

I hate thinking of you. I hate things that remind me of you. It hurts me so much to come across anything that remotely reminds me of you or makes me think of you that I have taken up meditation and have forced myself to not think at all. About anything. Ever.

I wake up at 4am because of insomnia. I meditate for an hour. I ruminate about the emptiness I feel and the heartache in my chest that is inconsolable. Sometimes I cry. And then I pick myself up and force myself to go to the gym to clear my mind. 

It doesn’t work. It helps me to focus on something else for a short while.

But then I think of you again. I try so hard to erase you from my mind and pretend we never even met. I am so desperate to forget every bit of you that I am willing to cut out anything and everyone that is associated with you. I am so desperate to cut you out of my memories that I have thought about moving to a different state. Somewhere I can start over. Somewhere I can be a new person.

Somewhere I can be someone that people actually care if I died.

Instead I am here and you and Veronica and Phill would love it if I died.

Sometimes I bet you check on me to see if I am dead yet.

Soon.

[commitmentallychallenged]

My well-being.

Veronica,

The last words you said to me were, “I’m tired of your shit. Either you go or you don’t. I’m tired of this back and forth bullshit.”

What makes me truly hurt about this comment is that you would never say that to Sam. Because he provides y’all with things, whether it be advice, business, or paying for things when y’all go out. As for me, your words indicate that I add no value to your life so I felt that you were quick to talk down on me and treat me like nothing. When you made that comment both Sam and I were in the same position. Neither of us had bought a plane ticket. And it was not even like my portion of housing hadn’t been paid. Sam paid it on my behalf. And I had paid him back. Even though I barely made rent that week. So maybe you’re looking at me and treating me as if I’m just another one of his play things. You’ve adopted his thinking, his mannerisms, his way of treating me. 

You see, the thing is . . . Sam does not respect me. And you and I have had this talk. He does not respect my time, my well-being, my emotions. In fact, I will bet anything he had already found someone else and was trying to get rid of me, but could not be honest with himself, with anyone else, and especially not with me. Instead he lashed out at me, falsely accusing me of lying to him, but never even indicating what I lied about. Then he said he still wanted to talk, yet refused to even address the issue like a proper adult.

And after you harshly scolded me and took your frustrations out on me. I’ve spent every single day after that contemplating my true worth. Your words, coupled with Sam’s actions, lack of actions, Sam’s erratic lashing out at me for absolutely not reason, his false accusations that I STILL to this day have no idea where they came from, led me into this spiral of confusion about who actually gives a shit about me. 

My friends and therapists spent several days trying to talk me out of suicide. I still think about it each day. Because this time I am truly hurt. 

I know to you, you still think I am taking it to heart, but I have been through domestic abuse therapy weeks ago that brought up a lot of unresolved feelings and it has drained me of all my emotional, mental, and physical energy. I have actually been trying to do things for myself. And I have shared all of this with Sam. But I bet he has only told you what makes him look good. He probably has just told you that I have been acting erratically because I am lying to him. I haven’t left my bed every weekend, spending up to 5 straight days in my bed. People I hardly know have stopped by my apartment just to make sure I haven’t killed myself yet. 

And it also doesn’t make me feel any better when I turn to Phill and he also takes Sam’s side. 

Right now, I am up in the middle of the night because I usually wake up at this time trying to talk myself off a ledge. No one knows this. And I do it on my own. Because I have learned I don’t trust people. And I am better off alone.

So when you sent me that text message last night, even that message felt selfish. It felt like you wanted to hear from me so that you could feel good about yourself. I don’t blame you for this. This is Sam’s way of thinking. And maybe I am wrong about that and you are somewhat concerned about me. But your text indicates that you believe that I only talk to you about Sam. We have never been very close before I met Sam. But aside from Sam, I have confided in you about my concerns about my job, the job position that I feel they’ll stick me in TODAY actually. But besides that, what else is there for us to talk about? Besides Phill. I know my life revolves around work and my family. Do you want to hear about my family? About how my mother has some sort of undiagnosed respiratory issue that we’ve been to endless amount of specialists about and still have no answer? Do you want to hear about how I might have the same respiratory issue and that I have to go see specialists too?

I understand your frustration from not hearing from me, but I need you to understand your life is a lot easier than mine. You have everything you need. I am in a place in my life that I feel like I have nothing. And I am barely staying afloat. I have thought about suicide each day. About how it would make you and Sam and Phill so much happier. And if you’re sitting there thinking that it’s a selfish thought, no. I have thought thoroughly about it and I am tired of me. So I get it that all of you are tired of me, because I am tired of me too. I don’t fully understand the emotions that are being dredged up through therapy. But I am going to therapy attempting to understand myself. I am WORKING on it, whether you know it or not. I am spending my entire savings on therapy. And it is why I could barely make rent last month. 

Basically what this all comes down to is that I know you’re frustrated. But I am too. So if you really want to know whether I’m still alive, you can check this blog. 

[commitmentallychallenged]

Every day I feel thoughts of you creep into my mind and I quickly divert my attention away to something else. Anything else. I can hardly remember your face. I force myself to forget everything. 

My next growth gift is to delete all the memories of the past 6 months. I will delete all your photos. Your texts. Your voicemails. I will remind myself that it’s not like you ever left me any loving messages. Never were you reaching out because you were thinking of me, missing me, or reminding me you loved me. You reached out when you needed something. 

But I cannot be mad at you any longer. I cannot be mad at someone for not loving me, when I could clearly see he would be incapable of loving me. You told me these stories of her that damaged you, that broke you. But in reality, I am starting to believe you broke her. You damaged her. You reduced her to nothing but an object. And once the object became human, began fighting back, began to pull herself up... you painted yourself out to be the victim. You told others you couldn’t eat, sleep, or work. You told others that she was your everything. And those who didn’t know the full story, cared for you, nurtured you, gave you attention that you needed. You fed off their attention.

And once you were strong again, you found a new target. Me.

Throughout all of this, despite what your true relationship with her was, I was at least smart enough to recognize it in your relationship with your children. You favor one over the others. You treat one like she doesn’t exist. You take them to do things, but do you really know what’s going on in their lives? I’m not asking you whether you know what ballet recitals or birthday parties are on the agenda this week. I am asking you whether you know how they’re feeling about themselves and the situations they encounter. 

You don’t. Because you just schedule in a movie with them for 3 hours a week and then you run off to some random girl who has given you attention. Your children aren’t feeding your ego, but those girls do.

And I should have known by looking at your relationship with your ex wife. She sounds like a good woman who is successful and respected. And the second she was a little too old for you, you dumped her for someone half your age. 

This will catch up to you. In another 5 years, maybe you’ll start to realize all these “relationships” are very empty. And that you’re not the only one treating the girls like objects. You are the object. You are nothing but a wallet. And that is why these girls will turn to others who will treat them like they are human.

Maybe you’ll remember that I treated you like you were a king. And you might not even remember my name. But I bet you’ll remember how I made you feel. You won’t remember that you treated me like I was nothing, driving me to nearly kill myself. You won’t remember that. Those are details that don’t feed your ego. So you’ll conveniently forget about that. 

You might mention me in conversation. Referring to me as just another dumb girl you didn’t give a shit about. Because that’s what I truly am to you. Or maybe once I've killed myself, you’ll talk about how you treated me so well and you couldn’t stop it. Meanwhile, you were one of the reasons I finally did it. You’ll be so happy with yourself. That you were able to ruin another girl, this time pushing her to kill herself. The ultimate goal. And you’ve scored Sam. Congrats to you.

[commitmentallychallenged]

Overthinking, undervaluing.

I woke up in the middle of the night, my body burning like a fire. It happened more frequently lately. No matter what time I went to sleep, what I took or drank to help lull me into peace to sleep, I would wake up at 3:20 AM. Usually I would be upset, anxious, scared of the thoughts that would come. Because I knew I would think of you. Usually I would roll over and imagine the nights you were laying beside me and I would scoot in closer to you. 

But tonight, I let my body burn like an untamable fire. I waited for the thoughts to come. I was not going to think of you anymore. I was not going to cry over you anymore. I was going to fight these fantasies I had of you. My wild imagination had led me to falsely believe that you cared about me. That you loved me. And in hindsight, looking at it all objectively, I was nothing more than a prize to you. An object that you could claim was yours. To make you appear put-together and successful. 

But you underestimated me. You undervalued--no--you never valued me. Not even one bit. In fact, you made others turn on me. You give them little things they need to keep them dangling at your fingertips. While I was busy uplifting you and commending you, you treated me like I was nothing. And every time I was trying to build myself up, you kicked me down. You held me down. And then you dangled other girls in my face to make sure that I didn’t even feel human.

If pushing me to kill myself was your goal. You win Sam. You win.

[commitmentallychallenged]

Yesterday I killed myself.

Yesterday I woke up crying over you again. Yesterday I couldn’t bear it any longer. Yesterday I felt the weight of it all. I felt hopeless in love, in my professional life, and in my relationships with everyone. Yesterday I thought of you and how hateful you are. I thought of how easily you flipped a switch to make me feel like a terrible person. How you knew how fragile I was and yet you took advantage of me for your own personal ego boost.

Yesterday I committed suicide because I was tired of who I was. I was someone incapable of being loved regardless of how much I loved you. Yesterday I killed off the frail and weak little human I was. I was pathetic. Crying all night waiting for a text message. Crying all night waiting for a phone call. Crying all night to see if you’d check on me. 

Yesterday I killed myself when I realized you would not even shed a single tear if I died. In fact, you’d be the one to kill me off if you could. I was such a weak little girl at the mercy of your hands. 

Today I get a new start. 

[commitmentallychallenged]

One day.

I know each morning for the next few months I will wake up with a heavy heart. I will wake up with you on my mind. And I will remember the way you made me feel. I will remember the warmth of your skin as you held me close and the way you would let out a sigh. As if it was a sigh of relief that we were together and you felt whole. And then I will remember the cold nights I waited by the phone. Waiting for a call. Waiting for a text. And I will remind my fragile heart that it can’t possibly be any more broken than it is right now. I will remind my heart that it is worthy of love. It is worthy of someone who will set aside their pride to love me. My heart will be reminded each day that I am strong. I am beautiful, inside and out. I will remind my heart that life is worth living. I will remind my heart that although there were days I tried to end it all, I survived. I will remind myself that so many people love me and need me. That I do have a purpose here, even if I am not sure what it is yet. I will remind my heart that even though it has been broken over and over by you, it has persevered. It has continued to beat on. And little by little it will mend itself.  

And it will never worry about being broken again, because it will finally be whole. One day.

[commitmentallychallenged]

Loving you was my greatest sin.

[commitmentallychallenged]

hallelujah.

hallelujah will play softly, on repeat, echoing beautifully through my cold empty apartment. 

it will fill my apartment with a warmth that i’ve never experienced. it will cast a warm and intoxicating glow of calmness throughout the living room. 

my lights will dull to a soft flicker. my candles will have an ever-so-soft scent of grapefruit that leaves a touch of sweetness in the air.

and i shall wear a long and beautiful dress that the wind will caress and envelope me in. I will have never felt a touch so more freeing that this. I will breathe in the air of the city. I shall close my eyes and open my arms, embracing all that was and all that never will be. I will finally be free of everything that weighs me down. everything that causes my heart to be crushed. i will finally free those around me of the burden of me. 

as the cars below pass by hurriedly and strangers carry on with their fulfilling lives, i will be happy for them. i will be happy for my friends and my family. they will go on to live happy, carefree lives. they deserve better. than this. than me.

i will climb to the railing of my balcony. i will open my arms and pray that the lord will forgive me for my sins. i will pray that my friends and family forgive me for being such a burden. i will pray with my last breath that they will no longer hate me. that they will no longer see me as a burden on their lives. i will pray that they understand that this was for them.

i pray that they understand that i never meant to hurt anyone ever. i pray that they understand that i have become irreparable. i pray they understand that i’ve done this for them.

and I will gingerly balance myself on the railing of my balcony as my dress floats through the wind. the rope will lay across my collarbone. draping my neck like a beautiful necklace. it will be a beautiful shade of crimson. bright and vibrant. and as the birds chirp in the air, i will lift each toe slowly off the railing, careful to balance the rest of my body because i want this to be perfect. 

as i gain my balance on my foot, i will lean forward, arms wide open. falling forward, ready to let go of it all. they will finally be happy with me. this is the only way. 

my last breath will set them all free.

[commitmentallychallenged]

He was there. Every step I made, with ever movement of my body, I felt his dark heavy presence. It was a heavy blanket covering me. My chest felt heavy. My breathing grew shallow. And I felt my breaths turning into gasps for air. I could see his face so clearly. So emotionless. The calm face. I knew this face all too well. I knew all too well that this was the face that could change in a split second and I never knew what would happen next. At times he would becomes bright red, furious and fuming. He would turn on his heel and go grab something. I would then beg and plead for mercy. I would beg him not to be angry. I would be terrified of what would happen next. I was so helpless. I would be trapped. He would be furious if I tried to leave. He would be furious if I stayed. He would be furious if I didn’t speak. He would be furious when I did speak. He would scold me for being such a useless person. I was nothing. I just took up space. He would berate me. He would tell me I deserved everything that happened to me. He would tell me I was a stupid bitch. And I would cry because I didn’t know what else to do. 

Tonight my thigh still hurts. And I am trying so hard to forget that night. I try to forget the angry emotionless look on his face as he grabbed me by the throat. I try to forget when he picked me up and threw me into the bathtub like I was a rag doll. I try to forget how he simply turned on his heel afterwards and walked calmly to the bedroom. I try to forget how much I cried, how much I screamed for help. I try to forget all the doors I banged on begging for help. And no one ever came. 

No one ever came. 

[commitmentallychallenged]

Not you again.

Tonight I did what I promised myself I wouldn’t do anymore. I said your name aloud. I looked at our pictures. Blurry, out of focus, cut-off, random photos of us. Pretending to be normal people. Pretending we were fine.

I am not fine.

My heart breaks every time I think of you. My heart aches when I feel a memory of us creep into my mind. I fall apart when I see things that remind me of you.

I will never listen to the La La Land soundtrack again.

The thought of you haunts me at night. The pain of you looms over me during the day. 

Everyday I wake up in a daze. Every night I numb myself to sleep. I get angry. I try to make myself so angry at you. I try to convince myself that I am better off. 

And then I think of you.

And tonight I spoke of you.

And I broke my own heart all over again. 

[commitmentallychallenged]

Bittersweet.

Today is one of those days where I am angry. Angry at myself for still thinking of you. Angry for still missing you. Angry at myself for being so stupid. I don’t even want to take the laundry out of the dryer because your shirt is inside. 

Everything that reminds me of you, breaks my heart all over again.

Your shirt.

Your side of the bed.

My friends. 

Birthdays.

Concerts.

John fucking Mayer.

Pregnant people.

It feels like that moment when you’ve drank too much and you’re getting the hangover anxiety mixed with the feeling like your heart might burst at any second.

It’s so fucking exhausting.

[commitmentallychallenged]

Hi.

Molly Kate Kestner - Its You.

1:45AM when the world is asleep. The moment I finally am able to numb myself asleep. When I was probably self-soothing myself, reminding myself that I won’t think of you anymore. That I will never think of you again. When I think that I am happy now. I have new friends now. I have a new life now.

I can leave my old life behind. It’s hard. But seeing my friends and being reminded of you and how you took over my life so easily hurts so much. I won’t get to spend birthdays, holidays, or celebrations with my friends anymore. Because the thought of you is too much to bear.

Yet at 1:45 AM, when the war in my heart has finally calmed enough to lull me to sleep, you find your way to me.

I imagine you’ve been drinking all night. Probably with a new girl you’ve managed to call so you can “get over” me. I imagine you’ve been with her all week. Holding her hand. Ever so lightly rubbing the small of her back as you parade her around. Stroking her forearm in efforts to pretend there’s some connection. Buying her extravagant gifts to make up for what you lack in heart. You’ll fake it to hurt me. Just like you did with the last one.

You’ll use her, claiming that it was to get over me. But we both you used her to intentionally break me. You knew I wouldn’t be able to handle it. But you in your selfish ways wanted me to hurt deeply. You wanted to inflict the pain your ex inflicted on you, on me. 

The truth is, I never did anything to you. I never hurt you. I never mistreated you. I never did anything distrustful. I was open. I was honest. And you in your blind arrogance took all your anger from your ex out on me.

And then you answered her calls. And you catered to her needs. You let yourself dangle in front of her pretending you had some sort of control. You didn’t. You don’t. You misplaced all your pain and took it out on me.

And you chose me because you knew I actually had a heart. That I actually had feelings. And that I would feel bad. Because the truth is, you are all about you. You are about the fleeting moments of intense pleasure that really are just milliseconds of ecstasy. And you’re beginning to realize how shallow it all really is. But you have nothing to turn to anymore.

Because you chose this path. You chose to break my heart. You chose to blame your insecurities on me. You never owned up to a single thing. You never felt apologetic. In fact, you derived immeasurable pleasure from my pain.

It made you feel so good to see me hurt. It made you feel so good to see me cry. It made you feel so good about yourself to know that you could control my emotions. That you could make me cry at any second. And that’s what you loved.

You never loved me.

So “hi”. Welcome to the truth. The truth is that at 1:45 am, regardless of whether there is some warm body laying next to you or not, you are lonely. You are alone. And the one person who gave a damn about you? Well, I am in bed too. And I am alone. There is no warm body next to me. Because I don't need a warm body to make me feel full. I have my heart, my faith, and the respect of my friends and family. I know that people look at me and they know I can get lonely, but I know they look at me in awe at how strong I have become.

I may have been physically abused by my ex, but I was emotionally abused by you both. And I can overcome it. I am overcoming it. I am being strong on my own. I am not turning to a warm body who I don’t give a shit about. Since I met you it’s been you. But you never stepped forward. You stood in the shadows where it was safe. You chose the girls you never cared about. Because there was only thing that needed from them. And you got it.

It’s time to tell the truth, it’s not me, it’s you.

[commitmentallychallenged]

Every storm runs out of rain.

Today I woke up with optimism. Optimistic that I will no longer cry over you every night. Optimistic that I will no longer have to wake up with that realization that you and I will never be together and having my heart break over and over again. Today I wake up and I realize all the lies you kept telling me.

I remember when you told me you “fell in love with me” and how it only took 3 days. And not even a full day later you disappeared on me. You made me promises of concerts, vacations, dinner, coffee, spending time together in bed watching TV, fixing things around the house, and the truth was that you did nothing. I couldn’t even get a single text. How could I possibly rely on you for anything else? 

Perhaps today I wake up today happier because I today I realize my true worth. I deserve a man who can follow through with his promises no matter how big or small. I deserve a man who claims to love me, to ACT accordingly. If you love me, prioritize me. I am tired of being someone you just run back to and feed all these LIES. I am so tired of it.

Every storm runs out of rain, and hopefully I have finally run out of pain.

[commitmentallychallenged]

Broken

A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover.

I feel so broken without you. I want so much to text you and ask you to be with me this weekend, but I know it’ll end in tears when I don’t get a response back. 

And tonight will be one of those nights I just can’t endure any longer.

[commitmentallychallenged]

How do I skip to the part where I don’t feel anything anymore--the way you never felt anything for me?

[commitmentallychallenged]

I wish you’d stayed.

“ The next time I tell someone about you; I’m changing the ending. I didn’t hear the door slam and you never spat your goodbye like blood out of your throat. You never broke that plate and I didn’t continue to step on its pieces months after you left. You missed that plane and I picked you from the airport. We drove back home and the bed never got cold.

I didn’t write poems about losing you for two years after. I wrote poems about your eyes and what it felt like to wake up to them. I wrote poems about your coffee and your breakfast and your wine and your dinner. I wrote poems about how this love was so large it broke through the walls, tore down all the wallpaper, scathed the brick.

The next time I tell someone about you, I’m telling them my version of us; the one where you’d stayed. ” — REENA B.| THE ONE WHERE I NEVER HAVE TO WRITE THIS POEM. (VIA RBCAGES)