compu-cat-blog - Tumblr blog

compu-cat-blog · 6 years ago

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Dear Fish,

There’s a lot of things that I need to say to you and I created a new Tumblr (even though I vowed never to use this god forsaken website ever again) because its easier to send a link to a solitary post than it is to type it all out in one long message over messenger.

I have many reasons to be angry, hurt, damaged and its not because you’re not in love with me. Its for various reasons other than that. I can live with that fact, even though it stings. I can get over that and I certainly am.

I don’t know if you were aware but I put your messages on ignore. What I wanted to do was completely block you but that was just the impulse, anger and alcohol talking. Since then, I’ve had quite a bit of time to just sit and think, quietly working out my issues through art and deep thought, conversations with a friend and putting my actual feelings into some kind of coherent semblance of words. I needed time to myself. To be still and alone, vulnerable to only myself as I begin to rebuild my walls. I cried for two days, off and on, listening to music, contemplating what led me here and drawing my own conclusions on what to say to you, because these things need to be said. And I started drawing again to get it out or at least to start relieving the pressure that’s been growing.

So... Those things I need to say to you... I need you to sit your self down somewhere and I need you to read every single word, digest every sentence and give yourself some time before you respond. I will not be kind. I will be absolutely blunt and I will speak my truth.

To be blunt, you are selfish. You are one of the most selfish people I have ever known.

I’ve known you for about a year now, right? More or less? In that year, I’ve gotten to know you through the music you’ve sent and the stories you’ve told. Our friendship started off as being simple enough. Two weirdos, talking about WoW and exchanging music. We were friends and it was something great. I felt a little less lonely in the world. It was nice to actually start bonding with another person again.

And then... You started with your whoring phase... I dunno why you told me about these women, maybe you just needed someone to confide in, like I was your living journal. It was uncomfortable and there I sat, reading these details that I didn’t need to know. Being a concerned friend, telling you to slow down and that it was extremely unhealthy for you... And yet, you were more concerned about getting your dick wet than someone actually giving a shit about you. You became a womanizer.

Oh, and then I had to sit through and give you advice when you fell in love with Amanda. I was there to be your shoulder to cry on, direct you on what to do, be your friend, be sympathetic towards you. Especially when she spurned your ill timed advances. I was there, being your friend, trying to stitch you back together. I’m not sure if that was what did it, the thing that finally fucking broke you and made you dissociate even further. Perhaps you’re still in love with her, I don’t know. But I do know, you haven’t quite been the same since. ‘

You saw a few other women after that... Which I also had to hear about...

After I left him though, is when it really started. The mixed signals. The lovey dovey bullshit. The flirting. Perhaps it was even that first call when I listened to you do your thing to the sound of my voice. However, you laid it on real thick and I, being lost and vulnerable with my tail between my legs, went along with it. I blame myself as much as I blame you but I also know that some part of you should’ve known better...

The first time you came to see me was the best I’d felt in years. You’re so horribly charismatic, charming, passionate, I didn’t even know your eyes were that colour blue until I’d seen you in person. You’re even easier to talk to in person than online and our humour just sort of clicked, in spite of me being an anxiety ridden mess. And then, you went home... And then, you told me about that older woman and it just felt like that whole weekend didn’t mean or change a goddamned thing... We fought... We made up like it didn’t happen... But I’d come away with it with this nagging feeling.

You came up a second time and it was so much better than the first time. We weren’t running all over town. It was just us in this weird little bubble of happy, After you left, I felt sort of lost, drained, tired and sore. I missed you in the worst way and then it had finally hit me, I’d fallen for you. Not because you were here but because of who you are.

And now? I still feel that way... a little... but more on the used side. Like, way over on the used side. And its not because you don’t feel the same, its because of the way you did and said things that a boyfriend would say. It felt like, you enjoy the advantages of having someone who loves you without having to love them back. That security, that power. I don’t know if its what you actually intended, in fact, I don’t believe you ever wanted to hurt me. But the fact remains that I feel used, I was a good time, another notch if you will. Even though you tell me you care for me deeply, I honestly believe that if you care for someone, you don’t take advantage of your friendship, especially knowing what they’ve been through in the past year.

I have to say it. You’re selfish. You’re toxic. You’re becoming poisonous. Unless you fix yourself, you will poison every single woman that tries to love you because you won’t face yourself and deal with your fucking issues. I am, unfortunately, one of those women and I’m sure that I won’t be the last,

If you’d like to continue our friendship, rebuild this fucking mess, it’ll take a lot of time, it’ll take effort then I can work around it. However, I have to set some definite boundaries with you and if you break any of them, then I won’t hesitate to block you from my group and block you from my life. And I’m not sorry to say that at all, I have to save myself and if that means losing you, then I’ll choose me every time.

You are not to flirt with me, no innuendos, no hinting, no saying that you love me. None of that. Treat me like I’m a guy and I think things will be easier for you.

I don’t want to hear about your latest fucking conquest.

I doubt I’ll ever really want to see you in person again.

~Katzen

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