confessions-of-an-evil-queen

[confessions-of-an-evil-queen]

I want to go back to a when, not a where

[confessions-of-an-evil-queen]

I spent so much time convincing myself it was okay to love him that I forgot it was okay not to too.

[confessions-of-an-evil-queen]

I won’t die in the universe you loved me in. Mainly because it never existed in the first place.

[confessions-of-an-evil-queen]

You don’t get to love some people forever and that is the kindest outcome I could imagine.

Some people are meant to be forgotten for your own sake.

[confessions-of-an-evil-queen]

May your type of love never find me again. May a softer, calmer love find me. The kind that isn’t ruined by an ego, driven by anxiety and ruined by an accident. The kind that makes Sunday breakfast and does taxes over the kitchen table. May the kind of love you can build a life with find me and may our past stay far away from it.

[confessions-of-an-evil-queen]

I met my younger selves for coffee today. When I saw my 7 year old self and didn’t know what to say so I just wrapped her in a hug and told her to stay fearless. I wiped away the tears on my 12 year old self’s face and told her she’d achieve all her dreams and it would be just as amazing as she imagined. She asked about the boy she loved and I laughed and told her we think of him fondly but we loved him the way you do when you’re 12, not in the devastating way true love comes. I told my 17 year old self that it’s okay to love him, to cherish the feeling and remember it always and I told my 19 year old self to hang tight and remember that it’s okay to let him go.

When I finished my older self came to meet me. She hugged me and cried and told me it was all gonna be okay; that she knew it felt sucky right now but that there was a bright open future waiting for me. As she left she called out to me, “we are happy yk, in the way you never thought you would be”. I hold on to that and hope it gets better soon

[confessions-of-an-evil-queen]

And sometimes life fucking sucks because I am one second away from texting him and I am rummaging through my drawer of fair weather friends to find the ones who can help me and who are on this side of the world while reading through our old messages and trying not to cry at how simple and lovely it all was and all the while he is sleeping peacefully. Meanwhile I will go to sleep tonight hoping not to wake up with this weight in my chest but I know I will and he will go on with his life, as he should because it has been TWO years and we only dated for half of that and the normal human reaction is to move on after that long. So I can’t even be angry at him for being okay even though I want to scream and demand him to care but you can’t make someone love you or I would’ve done it by now.

[confessions-of-an-evil-queen]

So many times I’ve read some variation of “I have to tell you I love you and I’ll always love you even if you don’t love me back” or “I’ll be here waiting for you always” but that’s not how it works. I won’t always be able to love you and no one can wait forever. This love will fade and all I’ll have left are memories of what never was.

[confessions-of-an-evil-queen]

In another world, another life there is a ring on my finger and you still call before you go to sleep. I don’t scroll through old I love you’s because you say it incessantly and I can’t fathom it being a lie. My mom adores you and yours loves me too and I don’t have to stress about our future because we’re already in it and we’re just fine. In another timeline my fears never came true and you proved it’ll always work out in the end. Most importantly, in this universe; we both stayed.

[confessions-of-an-evil-queen]

I don’t know what scares me more; that we are finally truly over or that we aren’t

[confessions-of-an-evil-queen]

I miss you so much there is an ache in my chest. Before I could remember us fondly and hope to fix it but now all I do is long for something that never existed; want something that was never mine to begin with. I miss you but what I miss isn’t real and there is nothing to go back too

[confessions-of-an-evil-queen]

I hate that you are the one who told me you’d love me and be there for me when things got tough, you were the person who made me believe in that, believe that maybe I could also be loved like other people are loved; only for you to be the one to take it away from me. You did not love me, worst than that you did not tell me. You did not only let me believe you loved me, you said the words to my face over and over; planned a future you knew would not come and had the nerve to tell me to trust you, to trust that you would be there, to let you in. Where did it all get me?

[confessions-of-an-evil-queen]

It is a very odd thing to know none of it was real yet feel so viscerally that it was. I wonder how you managed to fool me but then I remember that in my heart of hearts I would’ve taken love no matter where it came from and that allowed you to fool me

[confessions-of-an-evil-queen]

You know I still love you right? Sometimes I worry I’ll never stop.

[confessions-of-an-evil-queen]

Sometimes I wonder who will look for me when I’m gone. Will anyone even notice or just assume I must be somewhere

Sometimes I wonder if they’d miss me if I wasn’t here, not in a suicidal way but just in a im not part of their life anymore. Would I leave a hole to be filled or would everyone easily go on?

[confessions-of-an-evil-queen]

I don’t know how I feel about you and putting a name to it makes it real. What I need to remember is nothing can happen nor should it

[confessions-of-an-evil-queen]

Some things have always been there but seeing them is hard. Now I don’t know if I’m imagining all the signs I ignored or if I really lived in denial for so long