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[confessionsofa-frat-rat]

-The First Night-

the very first time we ever hung out in person..

i invited you over to a random fourth of july party that i was throwing for my sister and her friends, our parents were outta town so duhhh

i invited you over trying to be spontaneous but i wasn’t sure yet if i was ready to chose you or not.. this was going to be my test run to see if i rlly liked you in person because i already liked you over text.

i was terrified, so me and the kids got drunk and by the time you showed up i was full blown party mom to the intoxicated with high schoolers in my backyard

my little sister, just as drunk as me, more even because this was her party, shoved her pointed finger into ur chest and “HC LAX??? where’s that at???” she was taking the roll of incredulous sister bc i had told her before i was gunna have u over and she knew i was nervous.

a lil bit after that she made some drunk crude comment about you and me and said smthng along the lines of “don’t break her heart” or maybe it was “don’t get her pregnant” whatever it was she was warning u the best she could at her current vibe

so i knew you were wearing the sweatshirt bc she had commented on it

long story short the party was chaos and my own sister blacked out and vomited all over the house…

the only thing i remember is you helping me with her when i could barely stand myslef.

after a while we laid down and i started to panic and cry and i asked you to leave.

i had loved having you there but i was having a drunk meltdown and worried ab my sister.

you said it was fine, and said you’d go

i actually do have the memory of you taking your sweatshirt off, i can see it in my mind, but it didn’t register at that moment what it meant.

we said goodbye and you held me for a while on the porch, i was crying and asking if you’d hate me because i kicked you out, you promised you wouldn’t.

you asked me to kiss you and i wasn’t ready, so instead you held me tight and i left mascara tears and foundation stains on ur white tshirt, i said “oh no i got it on ur shirt”, you promised everything would be alright, and you walked away to your car in your white tshirt.

i noticed that you seemed a lil too naked, you seemed wrong in a way, (probably bc my mother had raised me to never leave the house without a sweater)

but it wasn’t until an hour later

after i had put the kids in bed and sent the rest home, that i went to lay down in bed with the dogs.

you messaged me and told me you left your sweatshirt on my bed, and i swear to whoever is holy, that i screamed out loud, i said WHAT

i wish i had saved the original messages bc they’re lost to time now, but

you said “yeah i left it on your bed so you’d have it”

I RAN as fast as i’ve ever run from my parents room (where i was sleeping with the dogs) to mine and saw the grey item draped over the foot of the bed frame

i grabbed it so fast, and held it to my face

it smelled like boy, smelled like you.

i went back and laid down with the dogs, wrapped it around my shoulders, and slept the best night i had in years.

and i’ve slept soundly every night since, wrapped in soft grey fabric.

that was the night i realized that my soul needed yours.

it was only a few days later that i knew i was in love with you.

[confessionsofa-frat-rat]

“your face is flushed

in the soft orange light

spilling from a cantaloupe sliced open.

i love you.”

-Whiplash from Ordinary Moments in Love (Again)

There was a moment last night,

you were laying on top of me, my hand cupping the side of your face

Our bodies hot, skin sticky and slick, tangled limbs, wrapped around each other in a way that feels overly poetic.

The lamp plugged in beside the bed was washing the room in it’s warm light.

When i first saw that starting quote, it was on instagram, and i saved it to my secret girl drama poetry folder.

i loved the idea, but i really originally the thought of the light from a fruit seemed silly.

Flash back to us, the lamp light turning your face into a glowing perfect picture. The fucking orange light matching your hair, contrasting your eyes.

You looked like an angel in my arms.

All the sudden you told me something romantic and cringe, something along the lines of “your eyes are always full of love.”

Embarrassingly, i agree.

When you said it i was speechless, not able to find the words to respond.

I couldn’t string together an explanation quickly enough.

But you were right.

I was looking at you like i loved you.

because i do.

It was truly in that moment,

I took a mental photo as if i was Cam Jansen. Saving the photo to my forever memory.

A moment that felt like pure life.

Pure Orange Light.

A pure moment in love.

-Always

Emily

ps. the cam jansen reference was only for me

[confessionsofa-frat-rat]

Nike

717 days since i dumped you and ruined my own life. i almost NEVER cry about you anymore. writing that out with all the letters that it takes, makes my body feel every emotion all at once, but, after fifteen seconds, all i feel is strength, and a sad nostalgia. i almost never cry about you anymore. sometimes a long drive with lofi love songs will conjure tears, but “sad song car therapy” will do that to anyone.

the one thought… that burns behind my eyes, to this day, every time…

is that damn blue nike sweatshirt. you know the one, you gave it to me on our first valentine’s day, a week after we started dating. i slept with it every day until it disappeared. I still feel that unbearable pain when I think about where it could’ve gone. In my soul I feel so confident that there’s no way I could have lost it, I would never, could never. I had a few ideas as to what happened to it, but to no avail, it has yet to appear.

I hesitate to even suggest it, but I feel like there just isn’t another option… My soul knows, well wants to know, wants to believe, that you snuck in and stole it back, just to torture me, or had that coward bitch do it for you. She saw me tuck it away, after all. I hate saying that, writing it. I’ve always wanted to remember you the way I loved you, the way I knew you were when we were happy. That guy would never do something like this to hurt me. But I don’t know who you are anymore. I hate not knowing where it is even more.

truthfully I’m angry. I’m mad it’s gone. I’m angry about what that means. I’m angry that you may want to hurt me like that. I’m angry that it may really have been me who lost it. I’m angry that when THIS boy showed up on our first date, he showed up in a fucking Nike sweatshirt, and I almost fell to my knees in shock. I desperately just want to know what happened to it. I know I’ll never know…

where did it go?

wherever it is…

you were right, I did survive.

I did learn how to sleep without it.

[confessionsofa-frat-rat]

literary love

in admitted risk of sounding like every twenty and some change year old girl, and as one raised in a library, i feel so written when i think about you. i smile, my chest gets all glowey, like every paperback heroine when she touches THAT sword.. yanno?

if we just suspend our disbelief for this comparison, those glowey brunette girls always have a literal written in stone soulmate, right?

i mean if we’re really being honest… by at least chapter three, a tenured reader would know, that they’ll be together in the end.

so is it truly my fault if i can’t help but smile when your name pops up on my phone? is it my fault that i think about the things we could do together? the way we could be?

if i was gunna blame someone for my sensitive heart wishing for that feeling, i would hang the librarian!

until now i could have been talking about literally any boy ever. here’s where i admit things that i know i shouldn’t. and for the sake of my poetry, let’s keep the literary theme yeah?

if i am our brave heroine, and you are my opposite, you have to compliment me right? those are authors rules. so for example, pretty boy, you check every box for my novel. every single one. in the book i’d say, “he is loyal, he has brothers he’d give his life for. he is smart, he can solve any puzzle. he’s brave, performing in front of the judges. he is strong, the ice is so cold but never phases him. he is witty, the only person that challenges me in conversation. he is my muse, could inspire histories most prolific artists. he is talented, he could sew a dress fit for any royalty”

isn’t that so romantic and wordy?

the truth is, we’re modern young adults lost in societies stupidest test…. college. so if i ever had to describe you it would actually sound like this, “omg he’s so perf he’s in a frat, he games, he does theatre, he plays hockey, he’s so fuckin funny, and dude he’s soooo sexy too i could cry. aND he does cosplay dude my perf nerd boy”

but that’s no fun.. right?

to conclude my rambling… (when i typed that i truly heard my senior year lit teacher screaming at us to not start a concluding paragraph with ‘in conclusion’…. and after such a literary themed poem.. i should know better) BUT IN CONCLUSION

i wanna feel myself fall for you like it’s the first few chapters of a YA fantasy novel, but we’re not, so instead i’ll just hope with my whole body that i check your modern college kid boxes too.

and maybe in my dreams we can fight dragons together.

[confessionsofa-frat-rat]

i always knew it was all in my head

The quiet beginnings of a song rise out of the speaker on my carpet. he falls onto his back, eyes closed as i stare at his face, a face i cant stop looking at . almost like he knows im looking, he turns his head, opens his eyes, smiles at me and just as the singer starts up, he says, "lay down. close your eyes. listen to the words, theyre really beautiful." i smirk to myself, the thought of this frat boy using such a word to describe a song, an irony that screams at me because I know how often his face is on the other side of that compliment. i follow his instructions anyway, falling into line right next to him, and tune into the lyrics....

'you gotta take cation,

you know that im all in

the chance of me fallin,

you know that its often'

my heart skips a beat and my eyes flutter open. what did it just say? maybe it was just an accident, that couldnt be the part of the song he wanted me to listen to. lets try again.

'youre starting up a wildfire in my heart

hope its what you want,

not just what you do'

i wasnt wrong. the entire song is begging me not to be playing with his feelings. but im confused. thats what ive been begging him not to do to me. when we lay together, i can feel his heart beating hard beneath my ear. the words that spill off his tongue when we debate questions that couldnt matter less. the light in his eyes when we agree. not to mention the feeling in my gut when he stares into my eyes, holding my hand hard, breathless and desperate. bright blue, like none ive ever seen, that i notice are still shut tight, a peaceful smile across his lips.

See? i lost my head and started falling in love with him. i shake the concept and listen again, but i dont close my eyes, i stare at him and fall into the fantasy that i know he doesnt mean to be giving me.

'this love is so costly,

its killing me softly

dont know what to call it,

this thing that you started'

a sad smile and tears start to burn behind my eyes. i want to lay here and believe that this is him confessing his love for me. in a way that made him feel safe, to afraid to just say it, too afraid of the repercussions that would cause. i let a single drop fall and then im fine again. ive always known hed never ever even let those feelings happen in his head. hed lose a brother, a fake one mind you, but a brother all the same. a fake brother equals a fake promise.

-wont love, wont talk about the fucking-

'hope its what you meant

not just what you do'

i know its not what he means but i will continue to let myself pretend when a pen is in my hand. and hey, when he shows this song to a girl and means it? shell be so lucky to have the boy with blue eyes.

-e

[confessionsofa-frat-rat]

⭐️this blog is a collection of everything that i’ve written in college (and a little bit of senior year)⭐️

some things i’d like to start with

-if ur my ex plz go away

-the name is bc i love love love my frat boys and greek life, ik a lot of my writing is sad but none of it is ever to shit on the boys. i’m not like putting them on blast by saying “confessions of a frat rat.” to me it means that i’m using my creative writing as an outlet like i always have, everything i write is based off things that have happened directly to me OR people i know, most of the people i know are in greek life, my girls and i affectionately call ourselves frat rats, sooooooo it all made sense to me

-i also j rlly wanted a digital copy and collection of all my writing as i often scribble on random papers

-actually just if u know me at all, in any way, go away

[confessionsofa-frat-rat]

one time i asked someone i loved "penny for your thoughts?" and they said "keep your money." and i think that is one of the most gut wrenching things that has ever happened to me. that seven word conversation broke my heart so bad i didn't get out of bed for like two weeks and idk i was just thinkin about it

[confessionsofa-frat-rat]

blue eyed boys r bad

I have never felt anything for anyone with blue eyes before and I can’t even believe that your blue eyes are the thing that made me remember how to write at 3 AM on a Thursday, but those fucking blue eyes in a sweatshirt the exact same color how could i not write about it

you’re scaring me with those fucking blue eyes they’re making me feel things I shouldn’t feel they’re confusing me

i’ve spent months on TikTok learning how to be a bad fucking bitch and how to handle my roster but I feel like I’m about to be writing a lot of fucking metaphors about blue shit

i’m so fucking pissed off I’ve never liked anybody with blue eyes you’re turning me into a stereotype I hate you for it

you’re fucking blue eyes are going to make me feel things i thought i’d never feel again

-e

[confessionsofa-frat-rat]

every boy i’ve ever fallen for has told me they didn’t want a girlfriend

one went unrequited for two years, two weeks before high school graduation he picked me up from my house and held my hand.. we still talk now

one said he liked me and said the same to another girl… pretty sure he played for the other team the whole time anyways

one gave in and was mine for a year, i thought it would have been forever if everything hadn’t shattered so quickly… i’ll miss him forever but slowly he’s fading away

my odds are 50/50 for dating and 100% for ending in my heart shriveling up and dying

you let me have you in secret, only if nobody knows…

i should simply walk away from this, i should just fuck u and let you leave

but i want so badly for you to SLEEP with me you’re eyes are so intoxicating i think id take the chance even if i had worse odds

-e

[confessionsofa-frat-rat]

i don’t wanna say goodbye

i can stay a few more nights

all those times you made me cry

am i weak if i don’t mind

you’re a pattern i’d repeat

love the one who’s hurting me

am i weak if i don’t mind

-e

[confessionsofa-frat-rat]

looking in the mirror

a heart that rattled in pieces inside a hollow ribcage

lungs black from the smoke that was supposed to take the memories of you up into the vents

hands blistered from the pen i can’t put down

-e

[confessionsofa-frat-rat]

you know what? no. i don’t care if you read any of this, i don’t care what bullshit you make up in your head. this is my life. not everything is about you. this is my writing. i don’t care what you think anymore, i will not let you crush me again.

ig not even my words r mine anymore

thanks for taking them from me again

bye bye

-e

[confessionsofa-frat-rat]

ig not even my words r mine anymore

thanks for taking them from me again

bye bye

-e

[confessionsofa-frat-rat]

TW

the note i would have left behind if i didn’t make it

short version:

simon, i said i’d love you till the day i died, and that hasn’t changed. i miss you so bad, but i can not live with this guilt. i’m so sorry for how i acted. i would have done absolutely anything for another chance and i would have never questioned you again. i can not exist with this pain, it’s too much. i am so sorry. you are my one that got away. i hope you can forgive me.

poetic version:

simon, i’ll never stop loving you. i cant. i forgot all my words the day i lost you and it’s taken me 201 to be able to write about you in a way that made sense. every time i’ve tried the page ends up lookibg like a little girl learning her letters. you have filled every single crevice in my heart, i literally can not scrape the organ clean. i remember the day i knew i was in love with you. i was drunk for the super bowl, and i hadn’t seen you all day and u were tired and so i just ran over to give you a hug before bed, and i knew that was the moment. i texted you “i wuv u” as soon as i got home, even though i wanted to say i love you to your face. we had a lot go on but i’m gunna see if i can cover my bases.

i’m sorry for every questioning your love for me, i’m sorry for begging you to spend time with me and sleep over, i’m sorry i never wanted to suck your dick, i’m sorry i ever threw fits. i hate that i acted so terribly. the next few things are the ones that i can’t get over the guilt they put on me.. im sorry i broke my promise, im sorry i did it on snapchat, im sorry i begged for so long, i should have left you be, but i couldn’t stop loving you. i’m sorry about the baby. just this once i wish lightning would strike in the same place twice. i never talked bad about you, anytime i mentioned you to anyone i’d tell them how badly i miss you. im sorry that the way i acted made you hate me, im sorry that youll probably hate me forever for even leaving this for you. im not blaming you tho, i would have done the same thing you did. these are my life’s biggest regrets. i know i probably would have been strong enough to make it if i could get over you but i can’t and i honestly don’t want a life without you.

if time travel was possible i would go back to the first night you ever held me in your bed. a moment i should have sat in longer because i didn’t know there would be any meaning in the feeling. when you kissed me on your couch, tasting like blueberry vodka, lips tingling with excitement and fingers buzzing from playing too much guitar hero but knowing it was just the start of their work. i should have lived in that moment like it would never happen again, because now i know it won’t. i mean if there’s any chance you actually opened this, that’s means i’m superrrr dead so.. i wonder what you’ll say at my funeral, i wonder if you’ll go.

always

emily

-e

[confessionsofa-frat-rat]

Key Largo

i was born in miami.

from the moment i was brought home i learned cafe con leche in my bottle and tostones on my plate.

i learned the rise and fall of the spanish that rolled off my family's tongue like raindrops down windows during summer sunshowers.

i learned that family came first, and because of that my mother and i followed my fathers journey through medical school and that was fine, but you see we followed him to macon ga.

in macon i learned that there was no problem too big to be solved by a pulled pork cookout.

i learned that there was this magical food called boiled peanuts, and their salty flavor is how i imagine fall along with trees that change color.

in miami the palm trees do not change color.

in macon the only fruits they have are peaches, peaches and oh did i say peaches. i learned to love peaches but i never forgot the ripe mangos and juicy pineapple that grew in my great grandmothers backyard and how i would beg her to help me pick them.

i learned how to talk southern and i forgot my spanish.

the day i came home from school and told my mother that i wanted to grow up and live on a farm was the day she realized there were somethings i couldn't learn in the bible belt.

so as soon as summer came she packed us all in the car for a grueling ten hour car ride back home.

we spent summers in a little house near the water in key largo.

a little house with three bedrooms and a kitchen, all of which had windows that looked out on the mystifying big blue.

this is where i relearned my love for cuban food for steamy steak and croquettes and flan and of course a cup of cuban coffee after every meal.

this is where i learned to free dive and sail.

this is where i fell in love with the push and pulls of the water and everything that hides below the surface.

this is where my cousins thought me to fish and where my uncle taught me to lobster.

this is where i fell in love with salty waves and the even saltier wind that catches in my hair and drys on my skin.

in key largo the people are all so friendly you would think they were family. everyone is always offering you some kind of food and every old woman is trying to teach you a life lesson.

i learned to love those life lessons.

this is where i moved from one piece swimsuits to tiny bikinis and this is where i learned to love someone else.

this is where i fell in love with my tan skin and my beach waves and my sun made freckles.

this is where i fell in love with my body and my family and the ocean and this little house by the water is where i learned that no matter where you move to you are always a part of where you came from.

-e

[confessionsofa-frat-rat]

one year.

oh my god baby a year. how crazy is that?? remember when you said you didn’t want a girlfriend? oops.

baby i know you hate this stuff so i’ll make it quick, but i won’t make it any less gay. i promise everything i say here i feel 100% in my heart.

this last year has been the best year in a long time for me. i have grown so much this year because of you, now i can sit in a room with you for hours in total silence, you make me feel so safe that i feel safe enough to actually sit with my own thoughts. i look for you in every room, i keep track of you at every party because you make me feel safe. going to bed with you at the end of the day has almost completely chased away my bad dreams, knowing that i can go home to you when i need you is what keeps me going. for once in my life i don’t totally wanna die, loving you gives me something to live for.

can i tell u something else? i know you hate when i say this too but ....

i wanna marry u

i love u

i could sleep next to u for the rest of my life

when i have dreams ab being married (which is often bc i’m a dummy girl) it’s u that i’m with

you don’t have to agree and u don’t have to say anything ab it but i would love to end up with you.

you and your pretty eyes and your cute nose and your very kissable lips and your floppy hair and all the rest, idk how you make me as weak as u do but i’m surprised i haven’t melted through the floorboards yet. you absolutely and completely have my heart. even though you drive me fucking insane, i love you and i’ll love you forever. i promise.

-e

[confessionsofa-frat-rat]

Our first Valentine’s day.

dear simon,

my sweet sweet boy

i thought since it’s valentine’s day i’d let you know some of the secret things i’ve been writing about you. I SWEAR TO THE LORD IN HEAVEN AND THE DEVIL IN HELL IF YOU LAUGH AT THIS I WILL CRY.

before i started to write about you, i had to go back and read about the boys who broke my heart before i met you. past “loves” that ended in hellfire and brimstone. reading about how i thought i loved them made me cry, not heartbroken tears, but excited tears, because i see you in front of me and know that you are not going to leave me any time soon. i’m not afraid of writing about how you broke my heart bc i don’t think you will. one time you joked about how sometimes you look like a skeleton, and asked who on earth would ever wanna date a skeleton, and in my head i thought “me! i do! i’ve always loved halloween!!” and i made myself laugh when i thought that. there’s things that I feel when I look at you I just can’t explain, why would I fall for the quiet boy I hadn’t heard speak a single word? i’ll tell you why.

every time I look at my phone I just want to see your name. touching you felt like nothing I’ve ever felt before, your hands on my body is the only feeling I think i would die without. whenever you touch me i can smell you on my pillow and on my skin and i never wanna stop having this feeling. one morning i was listening to your heart while you had your hands on me and at certain points on my body i could hear its beating slow or speed up or skip a beat entirely, i know we always joke about feeling each other’s heartbeats but i really do love the sound so much. i lay next to you and i need you so bad, i can feel your heart beating so fast and it makes me sweat and i want to give you everything i have.

iwant to, i NEED to, remember the exact way you smell, like boys body wash and smoke

i want to, i NEED to, remember the way your hand feels resting on my hip, heavy and strong and making me twitch

i want to, i NEED to, remember the way my head lays perfectly on your chest, how i can hear the speed of your heart match up with mine

bc i don’t think i could bare the thought of forgetting.

the day you called me baby i almost cried. i’ve called you baby so many times now and i didn’t expect you to say it back, but you said it. with one word you’ve filled my chest with so much hope that it’s cracking my small, delicate rib cage. i knew i was actually falling for you when i realized i’m worried ab not being good enough for you. i’m worried i can’t satisfy you or your needs. i’m worried i’m not pretty enough for you. i’m worried that you wish you had someone better than me. i was afraid of falling in love with you because im afraid of you to not loving me back. i did fall in love with you though, and i still have fear but i know that you won’t hurt me. the fear is turning into excitement and i can’t explain to you actually how excited i am.

i got so excited that i kinda told you i loved you on accident. and then i told you i loved you on purpose. and then you said it to me. i do love you, really. and i’m so excited to keep loving you. and get ready baby because it’s not easy to get rid of me.

-e