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[confusedand21]

It’s interesting lying here reading the name of my blog as confusedand21 now almost being 25 and still using this as a vice, that’s probably why I have no plans on changing the name anytime soon.

Last weekend was one of the lowest points I think I’ve ever had and the biggest problem is I don’t know what brought it on. Thursday last week I had a full meltdown which led to me not even having the will to get out of bed all day Friday. I literally just laid there for 14 hours hating myself and then went to Jp’s birthday where I thought I felt better but then tried to kick the shit out of cam and then breaking down again.

Now Thursday a week later and I’m lying in my room strung out. In the dark. Alone. Between the pressure I put on myself at work and trying to keep up with everything I’ve exhausted myself so much mentally and I do not know how to bring myself back.

Could have gone ice skating with Bella Chris and Maree and yeah I don’t skate and yeah my back is fucked but I would still like to go see them. I have missed them but mostly I wanted to do this for Bella. I feel I’ve lost it so much as things I usually do have stopped happening naturally. DrinkyB is never brought out when she comes around and even rubbing her neck and back have stopped and I don’t know why and I think she’s knows.

I should feel on top of the world but I can’t help but constant drown myself. I used to think after school or work just spending as much time out of home was best and now all I want is to do nothing and it’s so depressing. I’m lacking motivation. I’m lacking resilience and I’m lacking will. I need rest and reflection but I’m restless and clouded. If things don’t change soon it’s only going to get worse

[confusedand21]

In reflection since the talk I had with Bella and my previous post I made I feel like I’ve made some serious headway into resolving the issues I have been ignoring for the last few months.

Having lynchy back as a tl has made my work life a lot better and I’ve been less stressed about all my compliance. I haven’t felt clouded in my judgement with any decision I’ve had to make and I’ve been thinking a lot more clearly.

Things with Bella are definitely on the up and I know the way I’ve been making her feel about promising the world and not following through I have tried to stop that from happening any more. One last week of smoking and I’m honestly excited to stop that and never return to it again.

I’ve found setting goals to achieve and focusing on fulfilling them has been the most positive step I could make.

Bella got her uni results and even though I told her a million times she would pass everything and her telling me she would fail she definitely achieved higher than anything I could have imagined with her uni and I’m absolutely stoked for her.

I worry about her with her living arrangements with Kat and les as I know she doesn’t want to lose friends and how much she cares about them both.

All in all not much to write just a very positive few weeks and makes me so excited for the future.

[confusedand21]

It’s been a long time since I have written in here and I think it’s more to do with Bella being my rock in my life but it’s coming to a point where my conversations with her aren’t venting but I’m pushing her away.

After coming home from being away to find out the Brad situation I literally couldn’t believe it. I think I just felt hurt and betrayed because while I was in the Riverland at a wedding literally visualising what our wedding would look like she was in Adelaide telling Chris about the crush she had on Brad less than two months earlier.

I understand that she was hurting at that time and after a few days reflection and thought I can see it’s not a big deal it was just the whole thing really messed my head up. To have a crush on a good friend of mine 5 months into our relationship simply because he doesn’t smoke or like to drink as much just threw me. Is who I am too horrible for her to stand? Is the fact that I smoke and drink that bad that she would go there?

The answer is no, the problem is how I treat her as soon as I find something that upsets me. I literally made her feel like she was nothing and that’s not what I wanted to do at all. I feel like I have a split personality and being in my mind able to tell her anything I need to or want to is great and I feel like I’m talking to myself which I love at times but sometimes it’s not perfect as instead of being completely honest I’m being hurtful and I need to realise that if I keep doing this to her I will lose the one person I care about.

Time to start being a man and not an asshole and treating Bella as she should be because I can’t imagine any life without her.

[confusedand21]

Pretty average week at best this week with everything that's going on with work and moving out. Was looking forward to this move for so long but it's just kind of getting shit at the moment with everything that's been going on with the guys making it a lot more difficult than in needs to be. Keep having the same issues that was happening at Narinna with aj being a pain every step wether it's he doesn't want a room to the bills and accounts. Just really frustrates me when we accommodated for him when it was just going to be me Payney and Togs and he's just being a bit of a dick about everything. We did 90 percent of the work and organised it and he just kind of walks in with expectations. Works been really rough of late with the one on one I had with Brenton being just a bit of a load of shit saying I'm not a team player and all that. I understand that a teams meant to achieve the highest it can and all that crap but the guy has had a third of the time on the phones as I have has been there a month less and hasn't even made a bonus and he's trying to tell me how it's done. Pretty hard to have confidence in someone as a manager when you ask them 5 questions and he doesn't know the answer to 3 of them. Been a bit of a rough sleeping situation at the moment as per why I'm writing this at 1am. Have been having the same thoughts about Renee and her family but just can't bring myself to call her. I know how hard it would be but I don't want to get wrapped up in all of that again but it's still sucks knowing what she's going through. Need to talk to Matt this week to make sure we are all good from the blowout at nicks on Saturday as I literally said I was going to kill him. Wouldn't be the first blowout we've had and wasn't even the worst but have to double check it's all good still. Besides all of this I've been on an up lately though with really enjoying my job besides brenton being a douche and things with bella are going really well. Feel bad for her as she has been really unwell and I think she works herself too much but at the same time I feel bad because I still try and see her as much as I can and I don't want her having to catch up on uni she could have studied for instead of seeing me or getting up early to drop me at work. Bit of a weird week but it's almost over.

[confusedand21]

So reflect on the last few days you spent all your money on Coke. Gained bella got lit Saturday and Sunday woke up last night in a ransoms front yard and woke up this morning with dirt through your mouth. So bit of a big one. You've been in a relationship for all of two days don't fuck this up like you did with hannah. Don't be the alcohol you usually are.

[confusedand21]

Well tonight was a whole night of what's the point. Bellas out with some guy not even responding to you and you're out with elysha who hooked up with you as soon as we got to reds she just went for everyone else. I guess you are just that comfort spot. The go to if all else fails. What's the fucking point in putting in effort really.

[confusedand21]

Time to stop caring about them

Time to start caring about you

[confusedand21]

Dr. Phil

It's weird using this to write about other people's shit instead of mine but noticing what's happening around me at the moment provoked me to write something in here. I've been in a better place since splitting with hannah. I feel like finally I don't have a feeling of disappointment always surrounding me. I still love her more than most the people in my life but it's a different kind of love now. I respect her more than anyone and care for her but not in a romantic way anymore, more of a close bond and friendship. I've been on a slight bender as of late, I think half of that was me dealing with my shit after the split and also at the same time I felt free for the first time in a while. It's refreshing not thinking about how what I'm doing may cause someone to be upset or disappointed in me. It's all on myself now and it feels great. I've made some mistakes as of late (horrible showing with elysha in bed, asking kiz if it would be weird if we hooked up, contemplating eleven from stranger things and whatever it is that happened with Bella) but it's good knowing that these mistakes have made no real repercussions on myself they have just been mistakes and it hasn't effected me. Well maybe the elysha things sucked a bit. Seeing everyone else start to grapple with some of the things I have in the past few months has been hard. Jack and Leslie is rough as I know jack just needs time and space to figure out his plans and how he can be the best person he can and at the moment he can't do that with Leslie there but she is a great person and I can see from her side how it isn't fair. Peter and Emily have now split and I'm not sure how well peter is going to handle it to be honest. He says it's the best decision they could have come to but I could tell he doesn't want this to be over. Emily was a great girl for him and he was a great guy for Emily but everyone has problems and it eventually will come to a time where you aren't doing anything but running your mind in circles about what is wrong with the picture and eventually you get to the point where you forget about what is great about each other. Chris is going through some real shit and I've never felt so bad for someone before, he's literally one of the best people I know and he's having one of the worse runs I've seen. Even since getting jumped at z he's had to deal with that and tess literally putting his head through a blender. He isn't the biggest talker about his shit but when he does talk to me it's always like he's suppressing 40 percent of the story and just kinda feeding me info to make me feel at ease about him. It's hard seeing everyone going through all of this and knowing there isn't a whole lot I can do to help but listen and be there for them. There's no advice you can give anyone as it's all up them to find out the solutions to their problems and most of the time finding out what the problems are themselves. I'm trying to be happy with the place my life is in right now but it's also hard to see the people I care about most going through some shit. I just want it to get to a point where everything's normal again. But for now I can only be the best friend I can.

[confusedand21]

Do you feel like a man

You got drunk and couldn't even say a word to hannah. All because you still love her. She doesn't love you get over it.

[confusedand21]

So as gathered me and Hannah have come to an end. When talking to her about it I knew there was nothing I could do to save us but I still tried. I think it's better we ended so I can look at how I was through the whole thing. I never talked to her or treated her how I should have and I regret that a lot. I kept saying to her I can't fix what I had done but I can try and change who I am. I've always wonder what makes a good person and why I couldn't figure it out. Maybe I'm a good person already but just with shitty characteristics. I'm always having a laugh but I struggle to open up to people. Lately with chris being in a real bad place I've been talking with him and togs about my problems I've had and how I've been so bogged down. I've been telling chris that he can talk to me whenever and to talk about his problems and that's the advice I should be using on myself. I keep seeing that when I go out I need to get absolutely wrecked because that's what people expect and want from me but I don't have to be that person. The reason it's expected is because I do it every time. I need to get my license and start being a functioning human being instead of staying like the immature person I am. I don't even know why I won't get it. I'm not scared and it would be a lot easier for me to have it but I just won't. I think now it's got to the point I'm just not doing it because everyone is telling me to. If I had a license I probably would still be with Hannah as I never was able to just go see her and I was so embarrassed to go to hers as I felt that I was always judged for her having to drive everywhere. I do want to get back with her and I really took this for granted but I think that ship has sailed I just need to get over it. All I can do now is be the person I should have been a long time ago.

[confusedand21]

She doesn’t love you anymore. Don’t make her stay because you love her. You’re sitting here thinking how you have fucked up. But you know how you fucked up. You took her for granted. She was the best thing that ever happened to you and you think she will just see you when you’re available. You’re a piece of shit and you know it. She deserves better.

[confusedand21]

Stupid mistakes

I can't understand how I continually make dumb as fuck decisions. I'm literally toxic.

[confusedand21]

Drunken dribblings

(Caution drunk so this could be a tangent)

So tonight one of my best friends shared something very close about themselves to me showing a high level of trust and made me think about the levels of relationship I have with my friends.

I love all of my friends from occasional encounter friends to friends I have even lived with. The thing is do I trust them with the thoughts I have. I’ve shown this blog to a select few of my friends and every time I have been drunk. Maybe when I’m unstable is the only time I am real with myself. Id say that’s one of my biggest fears is that when I’m out of it is the only time I can think for real. When I’m sober I focus on small details of tasks. Trying to do it 100% but am I just distracting myself from the bigger problems? I’m 22 soon 23 with no license working a dead end job for nothing and not making an effort to see anyone including my girlfriend.

I’m sitting here typing my thoughts BU I can never deal with them. Nathan you love your girlfriend. What is wrong with you. Why can’t you talk to her. Why does she make you feel useless. She treats you better than anyone and you take her for granted. When you started dating her you said you’d never be that guy who leaves his friends behind for his gf. But what if you’re leaving Hannah behind for your friends.

I know you don’t like when Hannah brings up money because you want to take her out but you put drinks and mates I front of her. You need to start taking this seriously. She is your girlfriend. She loves you like you love her. If you ignore her she can’t help but stop loving you

[confusedand21]

Playing the cards you’re dealt

I’ve been in bed reflecting on the different ways of dealing with the problems we all face in everyday life. Some problems can be minuscule in the grand scheme of things like the weather and working on a weekend, to dealing with larger issues like the loss of someone you care about or just losing grip on who you are yourself.

there is different ways with dealing with every problem that one could face in their life and sometimes the pressure of deciding which way to deal with the problems can be a problem in itself.

I recently watched the ending of a show mad men and reflected on some of the characters in the show and how they dealt with their problems. Minus the alcohol and drug dependancy half the characters had there was one big coping mechanism that undertones the whole show and that was running away from who you are.

The main character of the show is Donald Draper, an army veteran who was known as dick who accidentally killed his lieutenant in the line of duty and picked up his name and corresponding life. He tries to deal with the problems of his early childhood by running away from himself and changing his name and tries to start with a clean slate. Through the show he has many problems, substance abuse, marital issues, the constant fear of who he really is coming to light and as soon as his life got too much he ran.

In the show things usually work themselves out to a point where he can return to being donald draper but there are moments where things are just ignored or solved with money as he's a rich advertising executive. I was sitting in bed thinking about the issues he faced and comparing them to what an average person goes through and the similarities between the coping mechanisms. The only difference was I was thinking how a normal person would deal with the issues he faced and how the paths he took to dealing with his issues would end up in real life.

The main thing i thought about was his constant running from who he actually was and how even when he ran he would come back put his troubles behind him and then after a period of time they came back and he had the cycle repeat itself.

Running from his problems only seemed to work for as long as he could run, If a bear chases you, you run but what if the bear has more momentum and energy than you, what if you're problems are too hard to beat in the chase. He had the problem of worrying if people would ever find out who the real Donald was and holding together the lies he had told to portray the donald he wanted to be.

Lying to the people he cared about and essentially telling a story of the person he always wanted to be and saw himself as was everyday for him and when he started to spiral whether it was someone finding a hole in his story to finding out truths he had hidden he ran. He would jump in his car and drive in no direction to have his life be set on cruise control for a while, not have to pretend to be anyone but to be himself. This works in the tv show as it is just that, television. These techniques of dealing with issues is just the start of a constant cycle of ups and downs. People go for walks or a drive to think and clear their head but when you walk back in the front door or park the car you still have the same problem you have started with all you have done is temporarily forgotten about it.

Is that the point in clearing your head to run  from the problems you have in your life or to process them. I never found this as a constructive way for me to face my issues but at the same time I never had to deal with a large problem in my life. How am I going to deal with a life changing problem when it happens to me? What will I do? run or attack the issue.

[confusedand21]

2016

So it has been a while since I had posted anything in here and I thought it was about time that I got a few things of my chest. Christmas was awesome, spent time with the crew and got pretty drunk, town was disappointing as it was just HQ and I'm not juicey enough for that.

New years was a bit underwhelming between the 40 degree weather and the $90 cab to Clarendon to spend midnight in a cab with a driver named Sunni there isn't a whole lot that I can look back on to be happy about. I didn't have an exceptionally shit night but I didn't have an exceptionally good one either.

The other day I booked flights to Bali with Randall, Nick and Kiara which is something I’m happy about. It isn't Europe but finally at least Im going on a trip out of Australia. Just need to save to get there and then book to go somewhere a bit more exotic when I return. 

Besides that not a lot has changed for me, Hannah is still great, work still sucks but overall Im happy with where 2016 is heading but its too early to say I’m going to have a better year than last year, all I can do is stick it out and just keep crushing along. 

[confusedand21]

The root of the problem

Anytime that I think at night and toss and turn its always the same, I hate my job, I haven't got time to see my friends, my back is in pain making me pay for physio, I don't earn any money so I can't take Hannah out or go do things on the weekend, I don't have my license so I have to walk everywhere and I don't think I’ll ever get to travel as I won't afford it.

All these things have one thing in common and that is that I blame them on other things besides the real reason they are problems, me. I hate my job but thats because I feel entitled to get more than what I deserve without earning it just because I have been there for seven years. 

You get comfortable and start to let the small things slip and no one notices, then you start slacking more and let bigger things slip until someone notices that you messed up making you mad because “they never recognise the good things I do because they focus on the negative” wrong, they only notice the slip ups because the good things I think I am doing at work are just simply my job, if recognition is what I am looking for than I should be looking for the things I can do outside of my daily standards to get recognised. Its hard when you cover more than one area but instead of bitching about it I should be stepping up to the plate and seeing it like a challenge, like I would have done three years ago when I had the drive to try and be somebody instead of trying to sail my way through to my pro rata and just leaving. I need to even if I am looking for a change in career challenge myself for either the best recommendations I can get or to even maybe go somewhere in target.

I haven't got time to see my friends is a lie, I have the time to see people but what I need to do is make the effort to see people who I would just be too lazy to go see just because they were further than a 10 minute walk. Some friends don't reciprocate the effort to see me but thats their prerogative and I don't blame them seeing as I haven't made any effort to go see them either.

My back is a perfect example of how stubborn I can be and my own neglect on my body. Yes I knew it hurt, yes I knew I should do something about it but instead I ignored my back until it was a big issue that lead to physio. I got on track started looking after it and then continued to let it get worse after a while until I ended up right back in physio. Taking care of myself should be a main priority its not something I should even second guess, if there is a problem see someone I can't just sit there and let it get worse until I am forced to do something about it which only wastes my time as well as others.

I earn money, not a lot but definitely enough to survive on if I spent it like a normal person. I waste my money on just getting plastered on the weekends or even just on pointless stupid shit during the week. I have nothing to show for the past 12 months of working besides a few memories from when it paid my rent. My bills are constantly overdue and I haven't paid board purely because the guys want to have beers on thursday so I better spend it on that. Prioritising isn't hard its all about keeping the mentality that money earned isn't money to blow.

License is 100% my own fault and its not like I haven't been told by everyone around me to do something about it. I hate having to awkwardly ask to be dropped somewhere or hoping that I can go there within walking for two hours. The biggest problem is I hate being told what to do and I think thats why I ignore everyone who tells me to get it. What I need to do is think about it like I did with moving into Narinna. No one thought I could do it and all expected me to move home straight away but I didn't and I can remember the feeling I had when I knew I had proved them wrong and its something I should do to myself, I didn't think I could ever do it but I need to prove myself wrong and feel the same smugness I felt then.

I always post what Im doing wrong and ways I could maybe fix it but this isn't one of those posts. These are the problems and these are exactly how to fix them. I need to stop being a pussy and follow through not just for me but for my friends and family who I rely on too much for things they shouldn't have to do. Time to stop being a burden and to start being a functioning member of society.

[confusedand21]

What makes a good man good.

It's been two months since I last thought of writing on here and I have to say I haven't been sure if I would write in it again. Things with Hannah are better than ever and work has been the same level of plain as always add a coaching write up. For a while I've always had in the back of my mind a thought that has eaten at me. What makes a good man good? It's been a bit of a catchphrase between the group but to me it's something I take seriously. For the past few months I have been trying to become the good man that I've always wanted to be and for the most part I've made strides. I barely smoke weed anymore and my mind is a lot clearer for it and yet I still smoke like a chimney and drink like a sailor. I've been feeling pressure from myself to get my life on track and to become who I want myself to be but all I've done is lock myself in my thoughts. I need to let go of my personal agenda for a while and have a holiday. From everything.