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[confusedanddeconstructing]

Deconstructing My Christianity

I have never been more confused. My brain is imploding with thoughts. And the worst part is that I don’t know who I am anymore or what I believe. These things haunt me, and only after moving out of my small, country town and having meaningful conversations with a friend did I work up the courage to write about this experience. I am trying to find myself and I don’t know how.

I was raised in Church, and have been deeply rooted in Church culture for a long time. Youth groups, praise bands, and Sunday morning services have been ingrained in my life for as long as I can remember. Bible quizzing, Christian camps, and Creation Fest have been a part of my experience since I was in elementary school. I even went to a Christian school for my entire childhood. I was even in a Christian band and played at many churches. And now I have stepped into the real world at a secular college, and I am given the space to question. To learn about more than what the rural USA could offer. 

On the topics of eternity and the divinity of God and Jesus: 

Do I still believe in God? Yes. Do I still believe in the Bible as the perfect, unchanged word of God? No. Do I believe that Jesus died on the cross for humanity’s sin and resurrected on the third day? Yes. Do I believe in Heaven? Yes. Do I believe in Hell? I think so, but I don’t know if I believe in it because I believe in it, or if I believe in it because I fear it.

On the topics of sex and sexuality:

Do I believe that homosexuality is wrong? No. Am I questioning my sexuality? Yes. Am I bisexual? I don’t know. Do I think women are attractive and am I sexually attracted to them? Yes. Could I see myself pursuing a long-term relationship with a woman? No. Do I believe in saving sex for marriage? I don’t know. Do I think sex before marriage is immoral? No. Do I think that purity culture has damaged my self-esteem? Most certainly. 

This is just the beginning of my deconstruction journey and I have never been more scared.

I just want to find out who I am.