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Stars in full bloom.

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heart eater

twitter/ insta/cara/ store

merry christmas and happy holidays~

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I'll make this a standalone post. Tagged by @wayward-aeon ^^ 🖤

I'll be skipping every question I already gave an answer to that isn't kintype-specific.

Here's a link to the complete Q&A from the perspective of my identity as Luca Bal/sa, plus some general answers.

1. Which category of alterhumanity do you belong to?

Fictionkin mainly, along with other identities and experiences influenced by this kintype.

i.e. By extension, I consider myself two flavors of divinekin. One facet being adept/al in nature, and the other more demonic.

2. What/who is/are your type(s)? (if you have any)

A few. I mainly talk about being Xi/ao on this blog.

3. Do you experience shifts? If so, can you tell us your most common shifts and your strangest cameo shift (if you've ever had a cameo shift)?

Yes, every once in a while. Like I said on my main blog, I most commonly shift between the two fictotypes I'm most "in tune" with.

I don't think I experience cameo shifts related to this kintype? I'm pretty canon compliant, so far. Sometimes I get sensations of things that realistically wouldn't have happened, but I'm not sure what they mean.

4. How do you experience your alterhumanity in everyday life?

I answered this generally on my main blog, so I'll give a more kintype-specific answer here.

I have a prey drive that gets set off every so often by certain things. I have a strong hunting urge in general. It gets in the way of my daily functioning every once in a while, mostly in the form of not feeling enriched enough. No outlets, after all.

6. What are the things that make you most comfortable and euphoric in your alterhumanity?

Just take my nonhumanity in stride.

7. Are you experiencing species dysphoria?

Yeah, sometimes. It feels like there's so much I should have, that I don't. Fangs, pointed ears, claws, tinted extremities, slit pupils...

Not to mention the things I used to be able to do that are not possible in this world.

I try not to dwell on it too much, though. I prefer to focus on the things I can control.

9. Do you have/want to have gears?

Nothing specific to this kintype that I can remember, but I'd like to.

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Organizing these small drawings

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Rosa Bonheur (French, 1822–1899), "The Wounded Eagle", ca. 1870

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Golden Memories

Watercolor On Black Cotton Paper

2024, 9"x 12"

Gold Forget Me Nots, Myosotis

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“we have a visitor” by briscoepark

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the shape of their goneness

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various bust doodles from the last 1-2 years

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Are you already on your way? I've come with you this far, I'm never really lost, Our paths will surely cross.

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Yarrow of the Red Sun.

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On Birthdays...

Months-old thoughts on my birthday (and birthdays in general), ranging from my current-day speculations on my "birth" to my relationship to the concept over the centuries. Taken from private messages and reformatted more into essay form (albeit a messy one, riddled with author's notes written today).

December 2023 ; 1459 words

In the present day, I oftentimes wonder what that day in April (I can never remember which day) means for me in specific. (Author's Note: Turns out it's the 17th. I was reminded by my friends wishing me a happy birthday on call at midnight last night.) Is it actually the day I came into existence, or does it have some other kind of significance? Since its specifically listed as my birthday, I'd assume it's the former, unless it's a symbolic "birth" in some way, shape, or form.

There's also the issue of how Tey/vat's days and months may differ from Earth's, and the accuracy of this birthday. I mean, it's probably the closest equivalent we have, since I'd imagine there's a "language barrier" (so to speak) between Tey/vat's time and Earth's time that's too severe to overcome. I probably couldn't figure out a "truer" birth date for myself even if I tried (though being canon divergent is always a possibility as well).

Also, thinking about my "birthday" within my and Gen/shin's general canon makes me wonder how I came into existence in the first place. Did I just spawn in? Did I have any form of "parent" or creator? I could be wrong, but my current theory is I simply manifested somehow (as in without the direct and intentional influence of outside sources), more or less fully grown, just obviously naive because I was new to the world. (Author's Note: Cloud Re/tainer's story has since more or less confirmed my suspicions by citing adep/ti as having been "born amongst the elemental energy that courses between heaven and earth", which aligns with my speculations. I find this information very interesting.)

Leaning fully into the topic of canon now, it's probably not that hard to guess how I might have regarded my birthdays during my time on Tey/vat. One thing I was very good at was staying in eternal stasis, specifically in a state of not caring for myself. It's not like I could even afford to care, most of the time. As such, for most of my life I had never once given my birthday any importance, and I doubt I ever acknowledged or even remembered it much, at least not without prompting from other people. (Author's Note: To an extent, I know I'm lying about not being able to afford to care for myself. I definitely couldn't afford to do so earlier in life, but after Mo/rax took me in, it was less of an issue. At times, it was even encouraged. Like I mentioned before...prompting from other people.)

Still, even if I never gave it any importance, I probably still had different views on the concept of "birthdays" depending on what stage in my life I was at.

Very early in my life (I'm not sure the exact timeline but I'm talking the first few centuries or even decades), I doubt I had any awareness of the concept of a birthday, or what significance it had. I was probably more or less aware of how much time i had existed for, but human concepts were not even on my radar.

Once I'd gotten into the habit of looking into people's dreams, I might've gotten glimpses of birthday celebrations, among other aspects of human culture. But since it would only be small zero context glimpses, I don't think that would have given me a thorough grasp on the concept anyway. I'm going to go with the assumption that I regarded birthdays with a little bit of acknowledgement and importance, but not at all towards myself because I wasn't aware that it could apply to me. My understanding, curiosity, and enthusiasm would only have been directed towards others and towards the concept itself.

Under my former god, they gave me a better look at human life and culture, and an even more potent look into their dreams. Something as specific as birthdays were likely never a focus, but would still be one of the many things I'd get to learn more about as I gained a further understanding of humans and how they worked. Unfortunately, this god was one that, at least during the war, resented human life, only seeing it as something to make an example of or use to their advantage. That's a tangent, however.

Basically, they weren't the best teacher for this kind of thing. While that phase of my life greatly deepened my understanding of dreams and anything about humanity that was revealed to me through them, the principles and beliefs drilled into me were cruel, and I acted accordingly. Overall, I'd say I gave the concept of birthdays minimal acknowledgement. The only importance given to it (if any) would probably have been according to the god's agenda. I still wouldn't be applying the concept to myself at all, and honestly my perception of time was probably completely demolished as well.

After being taken in by Mo/rax and having all the other Yak/shas with me, I was a lot more closed off towards the world. I was no longer curious or adaptable, and only wanted to focus on fulfilling my contract (i.e being nothing more than a weapon). The other Yak/shas did not share this sentiment, and were endlessly curious about mortal life. Of course, Mor/ax didn't share my sentiment either. Being our god, he had no intention to completely distance himself from the humans he had to protect and govern.

In the case of the other Yak/shas, if they knew their "birthdays", or picked some for themselves, I don't doubt they'd want to celebrate themselves and each other whenever the day came. Thinking about it, I get the feeling that if our birthdays were symbolic, chosen dates, we'd pick the days Mo/rax took us in...but that's tangential.

The others wouldn't let me off the hook until I told them my "birthday", and then when the day rolled around, wouldn't let me off the hook until I celebrated with them. I was stubborn, and considered it frivolous, but couldn't avoid them without feeling at least a little bad....so I let it happen. I was forced to acknowledge the occasion known as the birthday and give it importance. Not just as a general concept, either, but specifically mine and those of the people closest to me.

Well, I say "forced", but honestly, i came to enjoy it over time. Not that I'd ever admit it then.

As for the general concept and human customs, I closed myself off from that and stopped feeling curious. It really felt best to distance myself from mortal affairs as best as I could, and not involve myself more than necessary. Still, it was hard to completely distance myself when I had the others to forcibly involve me.

In the centuries following Fu/she's disappearance, I was completely closed off and truly lived only to fight, save for a few foolish personal endeavours. I could probably ramble on about this period of my life in general, but specifically in the context of birthdays, I don't think I have any insight.

Finally, in the time after meeting Aether...in many cases, it was like being back with the others. He developed a stubborn interest in me, and made me open my eyes to the world around me again. For the first time in centuries, I allowed my birthday to be acknowledged and celebrated.

The first time he wished me happy birthday and prepared a celebration for me, it was probably quite jarring. Honestly, I don't know if I ever got fully used to it. But I did eventually come to enjoy it. Over time, I opened up and let myself be curious again, and with Aether living regularly among mortals, I got to learn more than I ever had, with no strings attached, no ulterior motives. I doubt I ever came to fully embrace/understand mortal traditions, maybe calling them frivolous or confusing, but inside I enjoyed learning, and most of all sharing it with him.

Overall, this is probably the most (healthy) acknowledgement and importance I'd be giving to my birthday, and slowly I'd be letting myself be curious about birthdays as a general custom too. I'd also come to look forward to Aether's "birthday" as well, whether it was actually the day he came to be, or something symbolic.

I could never forget any other friends I'd let into my life, either. My social circle grew over time, and I had bridged many gaps between myself and the people around me. Most memorably, I grew closer to the other adep/ti, and occasionally joined their festivities.

Perhaps between immortals, the concept of a "birthday" works differently from how mortals go about it, but the sentiment stays the same.

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Sleeping Sun (Total Eclipse) 2023

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🌱

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Details of a golden sea, part II : Sunset at sea, by Diyarbakirli Tahsin (1875–1937)

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Guyun Stone Forest as seen in Version 1.6 “Midsummer Island Adventure” Trailer

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Rabid Wire by apelure