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cookie-bumbum · 4 years

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// I found this in my drafts and decided to post. Hope you like it, and please excuse my english if there is any mistake.

A torrential rain covered the bright and noisy streets of New York. The flood fell with force, with fury ... It was such a sad night, so much so that the sky seemed to be submerged in immense anguish.

Even the drops reflected in the headlights looked like insects; The storm seemed to have no end nor did it intend to stay for hours, but for days.

The building was completely silent, missing the impact of the drops falling and breaking against the glass. However, no flood or storm, no matter how cold, sad and stormy it was, could be compared to the weight and anguish that Rafael carried at that time.

His figure was reflected in the soaked glass of the window, his left hand rested inside the pocket of his suit pants, and his right hand was in charge of holding a nearly empty whiskey glass. He honestly didn't know how many drinks he'd had by now, but he didn't care.

Whether it was Carmen -his nice secretary-, a cleaner or whoever was still in the building at that time could swear he was fine, but the reality was the opposite.

The sight of him, hopeless and exhausted, met the veil of sadness that covered his face in those moments. For a second, he hadn't recognized himself.

The aura that the weather transmitted was exactly the same as that reflected from his chest in those precise seconds. He had never felt a pain, anguish, an emptiness or a guilt as great as the one he carried now.

The case that haunted him for days, and that was indeed the cause of him feeling that way, was that of a brain-dead baby that he decided to disconnect.

For the first time, he feared not only for his job, but for his own self-confidence. He had locked up the worst garbage of humanity who walked the streets, had won cases that seemed impossible, did justice for victims who never believed they had the Judiciary and, now, all that seemed to mean absolutely nothing.

Before proceeding to disconnect the infant, Rafael had the need and desire to touch his little hand that, hopefully, was equal to the size of his index finger. That baby was not his, much less a baby of someone he knew, and whether he liked it or not, he was doing her a favor - cruel as it sounded.

So ... why did he feel so bad?

He closed his eyes for a few seconds, letting out a sigh that sounded more like a muffled groan. He raised the glass to his mouth, letting the hot, bitter taste of his alcoholic drink wet his lips and then let it slide down his throat. The whiskey burned inside of him and, somehow, also helped to choke the knot of anguish that was closing in the neck of him and it did not allow him to breathe.

He finished his drink in one gulp and when he turned away from the window to grab the bottle and pour himself one more drink, he was surprised to find that he had the bottle empty.

"Amazing," he huffed in annoyance, unbuttoning the first two buttons on his shirt, loosening his tie, and rolling the sleeves of his white shirt up to his elbows. His hands were shaking, he didn't know if because of the alcohol having an effect on his blood or because of his emotional state.

And he was getting closer to the second option.

He needed to get out of there, hell, he needed to go to the other side of town and clear his mind of anything or person that reminded him of his life away from work.

He just needed someone ... And in those moments, he couldn't envy Olivia and Cassidy anymore, or Amanda and Amaro, even Finn with Melinda. Devils! Love was never for him, or at least not for many years. He was married to his job, he couldn't help it, but sometimes he longed so much to have a little comfort when he got home ...

Or well, the times he came.

The idea that someone was waiting for him, anxious, happy, wanting to talk about his day, listen to his concerns or simply relax on the sofa watching a program on television while enjoying a good Chinese -or homemade- food, it was really tempting.

... But that couldn't happen. He was already a mature man, completely dedicated to his work and with a character that was not the best when it came to connecting with people, and less in the romantic sense.

Although ... he had friends, and also, a 'crush' as young people say today.

Although it seems incredible to believe, Rafael Barba had a crush and although he knew it was wrong to get involved with someone from work, he could not help feeling like a young man in love every time his eyes fell on you.

He had no idea how he got to feel this close to you, but he couldn't handle it and he didn't want to.

Your tight jeans that highlighted your legs, or your shirts asserting your figure, your hair loose or collected while you were immersed in the world of paperwork; or your flirtatious, demanding, or understandable nature when it comes to questioning someone.

And your smile ... That damn smile that you gave to him -and only to him, because he knew it and noticed it many times-, every time they won a case or congratulated him every time he managed to lock up someone really evil, he they went crazy.

A simple gesture from you, or the mere fact of being with your presence, made him feel really happy. Even, he had sometimes been nervous, had blushed at your flirtatious winks and also, stuttered on more than one occasion.

Beyond considering you his platonic love, he also considered you a great friend. You were one of the few people at work with whom I shared more than formality, whether it was going out to drink or casually dine, even talking about books, cases, music ... They could talk about anything, and most importantly, you felt comfortable with Rafael being Rafael, and he couldn't be more satisfied and grateful for it.

Everything about you loved him.

Oh damn, he needed you so much right now ... He needed even to see you for a second, to talk to you, he needed a shoulder to let off steam.

Right now, she liked being such a headstrong and stubborn person.

************************************************* ******

Meanwhile, at the other end of town, T / N was sitting in the bathtub staring at the white tiles in the bathroom. These were completely fogged and the mirror the same due to the steam coming from the hot water; even a few drops slid down the cold, pale wall in an absurd, downward race. Your eyes followed them involuntarily while, with a slow sigh, you let the cigarette smoke escape between your lips. The cigar that rested between your index and middle fingers, half smoked, settled back in your mouth and after a deep drag, you blew out the smoke again. Then you took a slow, deep swallow from the wine glass propped on the rail of the tub.

The case of that baby had left you overwhelmed since it had been one of the hardest and most difficult cases you had ever worked on - although in that unit, all cases were emotionally difficult - but this one had been completely different.

All the members of the group had been affected, in whatever way, directly or indirectly; but the one who carried the most guilt and nostalgia was Barba. You knew it, you didn't need to be very smart to figure that out.

You had seen him during the course of the case, at the end and during the trials. When it was all over, you had never seen him so distressed or sad - not even when his grandmother passed away - and seeing that image of him, as well as being strange, broke your heart into thousands of pieces.

When it was all over, you didn't know what to say to him or how to cheer him up, and although Rafael was in a position not to talk about what happened at least at that moment, you made it very clear that you would be there in case he needed you.

He thanked you for the gesture, and although he did not express emotions at the time, inside you could say that you had made him feel better.

A loud buzzing engulfed the entire steam-fogged room, pulling you out of your thoughts and everything that happened that week. When you turned your head you could see that it was your phone that was vibrating so much, and for a second you thought you must have come flying out of the tub because Olivia had a new case.

Fortunately it wasn't like that, but it was about work; or at least someone you knew. It was Rafael.

"Hello T / N, are you busy?"

"I need to talk with you."

I'll be there in a few minutes.

And those messages had been sent at 11:28 p.m., and you weren't very far from Barba's office to tell the truth ... And easy, time had flown by and now it was 11:50 p.m.

Therefore, it could arrive at any moment and you did not want to keep it waiting. You dried your hands and after putting out the cigarette in the water and throwing the butt into the trash can, you took your mobile with the intention of answering him. Just as you opened the message, you heard a knock coming from the door and then the bell.

"Y / N!" There was that voice so familiar that it almost forced you to throw the glass of wine on you. You knew that Barba was fast but you never believed that much.

"Wait a second!" As a soul that the devil carries, you got out of the tub quickly but with enough care not to fall and split your head. You dried your body, donning a set of underwear, shorts, and a dark blue jumpsuit with the New York police logo. You pinned your hair in a loose bun and ran to the door to keep it out and make him wait even longer.

-Hi Barba. Come in.- You smiled leaving the pass free. Of course you were glad to see him after such a difficult few days, however, he looked quite depressing. He had an expression of sorrow and anguish, his clothes were soaked from head to toe from the rain and even a small pool of water formed at his feet.

"Did I interrupt your happy hour?" His words were almost dragged out of his mouth, watching you from head to toe when noticing your wet hair. His cheeks reddened more, and although he decided to blame it on the whiskey shots he drank hours before, the truth is that seeing your bare legs and dressed casually made his chest explode in an immense pleasant heat and also shame, a lot of shame.

-Not well. Anyway, I was going to leave. - You answered, handing him a clean towel so that he could dry himself a bit and leave his briefcase on another towel and prevent him from continuing to wet the floor.

-I'm really sorry to arrive like this ...- he continued, accepting the gesture and drying himself as best he could.- He didn't want to continue in the office, and he didn't know where to go. Seriously, I don't want to ..- And before he could continue apologizing, he felt your index finger on his lips. At this point, he could die of happiness and shame.

- Easy, okay? Don't worry.- And after giving him another smile, you went directly to the kitchen to take two bottles of beer, open them and go back to him.- I don't have whiskey to offer you, but I can give you this.-

Barba accepted the drink, taking a small drink while she observed the decoration of your living room: everything perfectly ordered, clean, neat and with neutral colors. Accurate to her floor, but with a feminine touch.

-...How have you been? I think we both know why you're here. ”You blurted out, sitting on the window frame with one leg extended and the other flexed to your chest.

The silence between the two was effective, and he knew that he hadn't gone there just to see your decoration. You were straight to the point but without being so rough, he also liked that about you.

Rafael didn't say anything, he just kept his eyes clear on you for a few seconds while he pressed the bottle a little harder in his hands. He had so many overwhelms on him, so many doubts, fears, insecurities, concerns ... He didn't know how to deal with it. I wish his feelings were judges or legal processes that he was used to, that he did understand.

He studied to understand and enforce the laws, not to carry the weight of his emotions.

-I do not know. I did that baby a favor, I freed him from a life based on breathing machines or thousands of clinical treatments… ”he began, feeling that lump in his throat form again and his eyes itch. The worm of anguish and guilt was ravaging his chest again. "And I'm not feeling well, T / N. I don't feel like myself, I can't handle this here ..— he whispered almost in a sob, putting a hand to his chest and turning his gaze to you with his eyes completely red and in an immense effort to hold back the tears.

"That kid wasn't going to be like other kids, or like you, Olivia, Nick or me or anyone else," he continued. His feet walked anxiously and nervously around the place, and without realizing it - or perhaps yes - the tears fell one after another, sliding down his cheeks like the rain of that night. - He was going to live with pain all his short life, he was not going to know or feel anything ... Even the doctors said so, but somehow I have deprived him of his right to live. Who was I to decide that? Why did life and justice have to be so unfair to this baby? Why did he end up like this, and bastards are still alive? It's not fair! ”He yelled, letting out a gasp followed by a heavy sigh and turning his back on you. His shoulders rose and fell unevenly, and you could even notice how some tremors completely dominated him.

- Rafi ... - You called him while you left the bottle on a small table not far from you. With quick and silent steps, you walked towards him to hug him from behind. He was shivering and cold due to his wet clothes, but you didn't care and tenderly, you reached for his hands to take between yours.

You still didn't know what to say to him, not even with the days that passed, and that made you feel awful.

"It wasn't your fault," you whispered in his ear, resting your chin gently on his shoulder as your thumb distributed tender circular caresses on the back of his hand. "You did your job, which you thought. Right. Nobody said it was easy. Perhaps in other circumstances that child could have grown normally, but it was not like that, not this time ... Perhaps God wanted him in a different way.

Silence filled the room again, and Rafael still didn't answer. You took his hand turning him towards you while you gave him a look full of tenderness and understanding.

You smiled at him and placing a hand on one of his cheeks, you approached him planting a loving kiss on his forehead.

"You can't blame yourself for this. It wasn't anyone's fault, and if I am to repeat the same thing to you over and over again for years, I will." I can't tell you that everything will be fine, because I honestly don't know, but I can promise that I'll be with you as long as you want.

His eyes close again and that gesture is accompanied by his arms that, from one moment to another, closed around your waist to stick you closer to his body. He seemed to be more relieved, calmer, and the heat that your skin generated against his gave him everything he ever imagined.

The smell of soap blooming on your skin and the smell of shampoo on your hair make him feel as if he is floating in a sea of fluffy clouds.

His arms squeeze you even more firmly although not to the point of exaggeration, and then he decides, he does. His lips are attached to yours without any doubts or restrictions.

It is a warm, gentle, loving kiss. Nads risque or with other intentions. His heart explodes with happiness when you reciprocate and he can't think of anything or anyone else.

After a few seconds, they both separate, keeping their foreheads together. No one says anything, they don't need it because they say everything with their eyes.

"... Then I want you with me." Forever. ”He murmurs as he hides his face in his neck and lets himself be pampered by you. This was all he wanted and he needed.

You guide him to the sofa, where, curled up under a blanket and with one of your hands caressing his head, Rafael accommodates himself on your chest and falls into the world of dreams. You intend to do the same, but first you return to leave a kiss on his head and whisper the following.

- So it will be, Rafi.—

#rafael barba #Rafael Barba x reader #Fanfic #love #law and order x reader #law and order svu #tv #series

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