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an excerpt about a love story from a girl whose heart got broken.

hello, just thought i’d share this in hopes that there are people out there who have gotten their hearts broken, but never got the closure they wished.

it all started one summer, going through dating apps and just swiping my way through what it seemed like just another night where i would swipe right on men who i find attractive. not looking for anything serious, but just because summer started and might as well have some fun right? made a match, with an individual who happened to go to the same high school as me. i remembered who he was, as i had multiple classes with him. realizing how we all “glow up” from our awkward and fetus high school stage, we had matched. im assuming since we had matched, he had obviously found some part of me attractive or appealing. he messaged me, saying it was long time no see. we hit it off, messaging every day, and he happened to be a really nice person to talk to. about a month went by, i finally got the courage to ask him to hang out (personally, i did not think our talking stage would last, as i did not think i would become more interested in this man). we did, and it was so nerve-wrecking. it wasn’t just meeting some random stranger, it was meeting an individual who i had “known” or “existed” for roughly ten years, but never had a conversation other than “did you do the homework?” me, being so nervous to meet this man, decided to bring my friends over a couple hours before i was supposed to meet him and get me a little drunk (because that is the PERFECT excuse to sound flirty and stupid, right?) we hang out late at night, talk for HOURS, obviously leading into making out and hooking up. i assumed this was going to happen (as i wanted it to), but i had thought that if we hooked up, it would just lead into the “friends with benefits” zone and would not continue any further. however, i was leaving for japan about a week after we hung out, so we met up a couple more times before i left. my month long stay in japan would determine whether i truly had feelings for this person, or it would die off. he tells me to be safe, and i clearly remember the one thing he said to me before i parted with him on our last hangout, and it was “there aren’t any cute guys over there, right?” clearly, i blushed, as in my head i thought that was the most adorable thing any man has ever said to me. i am in japan, and we text basically everyday, and he would call me every weekend. i told him he didn’t have to call me if the time zone was too much for him (los angeles and tokyo is about a 16 hour difference), but he would still call, saying he would want to hear my voice. about half way through my stay in japan, my best friend who was back in la texted me she and her bae are finally official, realizing, am i starting to have feelings for this person? the time comes where i come back to la, and we meet up on campus on the very first day of school (we also happened to go to the same university, crazy right? did not even know). the week i came back, school had started but i also had a vegas trip planned that weekend. he couldn’t go, but told me to have fun because it was for my 21st. some rough things happened that weekend which later became a pinnacle fallout of some close friends of mine, but this man had gave me hope in continuing to look forward to life. we started becoming exclusive, eventually dating, eventually him becoming my boyfriend. we went on countless dates, got drunk together multiple times, even went to a festival together and did some questionable things (sry mom), but i had never been more happy in my life to have a boyfriend. i adored him so much, and all of my friends could see it as well. our fourth year in college, my friends had never seen me this happy with a person to call mine. i had never taken relationships seriously, as i have had trust issues ever since my years in high school after an experience that still haunts me to this day. my friends would tell me the way he looked at me was like nothing they had ever seen, and he truly loved to be with me and adored my presence. the name callings like “babe” and “baby” had become second nature, as i truly, for once, had a special someone to call my home. however, this had all ended when one day, we scheduled to meet up at starbucks to do homework like we always do. he would usually pick me up, and vise versa, but this particular day he said he would meet me there as he had errands to run. not thinking anything of it, i told him i would meet him there. it was that moment, where i saw him in the parking lot, not realizing that was the last kiss i would ever give him. he broke up with me, saying he couldn’t continue anymore. confused beyond wonder, i asked if we could talk about it, but he refused saying there was nothing more to talk about. that night, i couldn’t even cry as i was confused more than sad. i called my close friend, and i went to her house. we talked, and then i called my best friend and went to her house. she assured that there was most likely something that happened to him personally that he just could not tell you about. trying to believe that he would come back, i texted him asking if there was something he needed to talk about i will always be here, that i did not want to give up on us so easily. he assured me he was fine, as he just simply did not have feelings for me anymore. the day after our breakup is when it all hit me at once, as i could not stop crying. days on end i would wake up sobbing, and cry myself to sleep. anyone who would ask if i was okay, i would immediately break down into tears. in this moment, i had experienced my true first heart break. especially at an age of 21, i am an adult, and i did not believe our romance was a “high school sweetheart romcom.” i was truly devastated, heartbroken, confused, depressed, and over all shattered. my friends were amazing and comforted me, but there was still a scar in my heart that could not heal. unfortunately, i had gone out with friends that weekend and got insanely drunk that my phone got stolen too. (ladies, please be aware when you are drinking your sorrows away, it really does happen in times like this). what was the most conflicting was that since the time we had talked, to the point of our breakup was only roughly six months. however, one of my other closest friends reassured me that,  “time does not measure the love you guys had. it could have been 6 years, and some people will still become heartbroken. whatever bond the two of you created was real, and everyone, including yourself knows that.” those next couple of months were ridiculously rough. having to go back to a life where i had to wake up every morning knowing he isn’t to call my home, or my own anymore. however, as time went by, it became gradually easier to not think of him. despite never getting the closure i wanted, i was slowly able to forgive myself of guilt, as stop asking myself “if i was ever enough.” at the beginning of the breakup, i would constantly question myself whether he truly loved me or not. however, as time went on, i started to believe that he really did make an effort to love me, and be with me, and make me happy. flash forward to the day i am writing this, which is roughly a year since the time that marks the start of our beautiful relationship, and about half a year since the tragedy that has changed to the person i am now. i will say i am not 100% fully over him, however, time has truly taken effect in the healing process. i would not be able to tell my past self i am doing this well right now. my past self would definitely not have believed me. maybe i will never get over him truly, as he will always have a special place in my heart no matter what. he is the man who opened a new door in my life, and created a new chapter of my life with me. i stumbled upon a side of me that i never knew even existed, and i will forever cherish the memories i spent with him. despite not being with him anymore, i truly wish he accomplishes all the dreams he told me about, and finds happiness and love again. i know that one day, he is going to make someone feel like the most luckiest and happiest girl in the world, as thats how he made me feel, and i can not thank him enough for the seemingly beautiful experience of a relationship i got with him.

for what i learned: despite not getting the closure i wanted, i was able to accept the reality in which i had faced. do not wish bad things upon someone you would give your world to. because, before the relationship ended, you know that you were falling in love and wished this love would never end. despite love failing, you will learn to love again. a broken heart truly is painful, as i have felt it. emotionally and physically, a broken heart aches. rather than viewing the relationship in a negative way, view it as a learning experience, an aspect of growing as an individual. you learned what you want in a person, and now you know how you act with your significant other. those memories you created, despite them being in the past, will always be a chapter of your life. you are blessed to feel these emotions, but they do not attach to a single soul. the construct of love can be held among different individuals. i know its hard to believe that you will never love again, but i promise, you will find that ray of sunshine and happiness in another person. it will take time, and the road to recovery will be painful. as if you’re picking up broken pieces of an object and slowly trying to put it back together, but you will find another way to mold it back. you will heal, you will find happiness, and you will love again. time heals all, and never lose hope in finding love. there is going to be someone out there who will love you just as much as the person you’re trying to forget did. you will then realize that you have made it, you have truly healed, and becoming a person you thought that could never cease to exist.

[cooolvibe]

I will simply never know...

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Maybe.

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“Perhaps the saddest thing is, From time to time I still think about calling you, about telling you how much I miss you, and how often I think of you. But I never do, because I remember that we stopped speaking for a reason”

— Excerpt from a Book I’ll Never Write, Perhaps the Saddest Thing

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"I wonder how biology can explain the physical pain you feel in your chest when all you want to do is be with someone."

Lunas-worlds-blog

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Quotes | Pale

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“Men always say that as the defining compliment, don’t they? She’s a Cool Girl.”

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