copenmeghan4x4-blog

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The PAIN in real

I really can't wait to get this hysterectomy, I'm in pain like I was when I ended up in the hospital a few years ago. I am so tired of this pain, I'm tired of people noticing my pain killers, I'm tired of people noticing that I can't lead a normal life because I'm always fucking high on pain killers. It's tough to feel normal when my normal is so fucked up. I wish there were better options. I've done medical pot and lucky for me it fucked with my schizophrenia and made this so much worse. Until next time.

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Update

I said I would update on the 12th but it ended up being a lot sooner. I FINALLY got the go ahead to see someone else and get the ok for a hysterectomy which is such a win for me. I know it may not solve all my issues and pain but if it solves even a part of it I'll be happy. So that's my win for the day.

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March

March is endo awareness month. Which is cool, I guess. But in all honesty - why the fuck are we only advocating once a year for this shit. It's sad that only once a year we see all these awareness posts. We should be shouting this fro the rooftops every single day, better care, better doctors, better cures and generally a better fucking attitude about it. For anyone who doesn't know what Endo is - Endometriosis is a disease where the lining of your uterus mutates and grows outside of your uterus, and attaches itself legit anywhere it wants to in your body. It can travel anywhere, you can have endo on your lungs. Every month when you bleed, all these little spits around your body bleed and cause internal bleeding. What does it feel like? Have you ever gone for a long hike or walk in new shoes and gotten a blister on the back of your heel? Every step you take the back of your shoe rubs against that bluster and causes you pain. Pain that you cannot wait to get rid of. Take off your shoe and sock and breathe. That's what Endo is like. Except, it's all over your insides, and every breath you take, every move of a muscle, voluntary or involuntary is like the back of your shoe rubbing against that blister. All day. Everyday. Every second. What are my options? NOT MUCH. You can hope you can find a good enough excision specialist who may or may not get it all, if your organs have fused together with Endo like my case, you don't always have the option to excise everything. Sometimes cautery is the only chance you have. You could have a hysterectomy - but it's not a cure. If you leave your ovaries, and you still have Endo ANYWHERE in your body it can and will continue to grow and bleed and cause issues. You can try birth control methods, to stop your period all together, or just try to lessen the effects but not everyone can do birth control or you can get into the territory where you're trying something and you bleed non stop for up to a year (this was my experience). I took Depo Provera for a year and two months before I finally stopped bleeding. At the end of the day it was worth it, because four years later it has been very helpful in managing my pain and symptoms but that first year was hell. I was off work all the time, I had so many issues, it was awful. I started Visanne shortly after which also helped although it is the same medications as Provera. You can make the decision to go into medical menopause and hope that helps but I haven't ever heard any positive reviews of doing this for the relief of Endo. ALSO. DEPO LUPRON IS A CHEMO DRUG DESIGNED TO TREAT PROSTATE CANCER. Doctors are willing to give women CHEMO DRUGS to help treat Endo. Most of the women who end up on LUPRON aren't ever given a full list of possible side effects and have long lasting effects long after they've gotten off Lupron. There are more than a few more treatment options, but nothing I have personal experience with and I wouldn't want to get into something and be uneducated. How long does it take to be diagnosed if you think you have Endo and what should you do if you think you have Endo?? First off, with a long family history of Endo, who aunts who both had emergency hysterectomies at 26, on top of years of MAJOR pain, it took 8 years for my doctor to take me seriously. AND IT WAS BY COMPLETE FLUKE that it happened. I needed an emergency appointment, and wasn't able to see my regular doctor, I saw a younger doctor who said to me - I can't fucking believe no one has made you an appointment with a Gyno. You're 21 and you've never seen a Gyno.... She was horrified and took the steps to get me into an Endo specialist and someone who was willing to actually help me. It can take up to 10 years for most Women to be diagnosed which is WAY too long and needs to change. Women need to be taken seriously when they are in pain, but we're told it's just period pain, it's normal, take some Tylenol. FFS. What should you do if you think you have Endo? DO NOT BACK DOWN. See your Dr, and demand a referral to a Gyno or Endo specialist. You HAVE you advocate for yourself, you have to have the strength and confidence to go in there and fight for your case and GET A REFERAL DO NOT BACK DOWN. I wish anyone who suspects they have it all the luck I the world to get it taken seriously but I know that's a pipe dream. I plan to post all of this on my Instagram - but we'll see. LLL

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March 11 will be the most important appointment I've had in a long time. I finally got it through to them that I am desperate for a hysterectomy. It's been ten years of straight up bullshit. Things have gotten so much worse since the last time I was in the hospital. I don't understand why it taking so long to get this done. People in other provinces and states get fucking hysterectomies like they give out candy on Halloween. I'm so incredibly done with having this demon organ. It would 100% solve at least three of my issues. I would need to find a specialist that isn't mine. I need someone who is going to excision for me as well, I can't trust that my Dr isn't going to just cauterize everything again which we all know is the WORST way to treat endo. There aren't any specialists in my immediate area and I would need to drive at least ten hours to find someone who would be able to do this for me and do it well. I think I would trust her to do my hysto but like hell if I trust her to get rid of my endo. If she still fights me on it on the 11th, I WILL find someone who will do it. I don't want fucking kids, I don't care my biggest fear is being pregnant honestly. I don't fucking care, what I want is like at least half of my twenties to be SEMI normal. But it guess it would be wayyy to much to ask to have some semblance of a normal existence. I wish that someday this shit would be viewed as normal and it wasn't the 1950's where the idea that all women are meant for is having children. Not only has my family been built in a really neat way, my mom was a surrogate and my other cousin was adopted. If I ever have the dying feeling to have kids there's ways. But at least I could lead a normal life if they agree too it. I hope he second opinion sees through the bullshit and agrees to take this shit out. Until next time. Update on the 12.

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Downfall

Three years I've been doing well, three years I didn't need a stream of pain killers. And now I'm back where I started. Things are tough. But, the possibility of a hysterectomy is very real. I'm ready for it and I can't wait to get rid of this useless organ that's been ruining my life. Final appointment to find if they will allow it.

[copenmeghan4x4-blog]

The O's of my life

So, since I last posted, I've also been diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. No surprise there, it's nice to know I'm not crazy. I also went fo r my colonoscopy and thankfully they found nothing. So onto more tests and figuring it out. My Endo has been *fairly* tame the last few months. I've been using marijuana weekly and it's been so incredible at taming my symptoms and pain. I've gone from using 8 tramadol, and three Oxys a day to needing two tramadol a day most days. It's amazing. Fibro, Endo, Adeno, EIEIO.... I start school this week - so I hope my body holds out. Wish me luck.

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APPROVED!

After a long wait, several other trial drugs and a hell of a lot more pain - I AM CLEARED FOR MY MEDICAL MARIJUANA CARD!!!!! This means so much for me. This means - being virtually pain free for most of the week, not having to pump my body full of narcotics and I can use it as a vape for CBD oil instead of having to smoke it!!! I got the news a few weeks ago and I've completely forgot to post about it. I honestly can't begin to say how happy I am. I never considered it as a pain relief option because I've always been very anti drugs after seeing how they affect family and friends throughout high school and my early 20's. I am so happy and so excited to finally have something that's going to actually help me - and with CBD oil - there's little to no high. Which I don't get high anyways, my prescription pain killers are wayyyy stronger and give me a better buzz if that was what I was going for. I can use it at home, or work or anywhere and no one will be the wiser. Praise the lord above for handing me this small miracle 💕

[copenmeghan4x4-blog]

Wacky Tabacky.

Let me start off by saying - I DO NOT CONDONE DRUG USE. This was an experiment and I am in no way telling ANYONE to use drugs of any kind. As you all know, I suffer from Endometriosis, Adenomyosis, Intersitial Cystitis, IBS, PTSD, Anxiety and Severe depression. At 24, I'm going through medically induced menopause, I take 8 different types of pills a day that number in the mid thirties. Taking as many pain killers and narcotics as I do, not only makes me very tired all the time, but is more than likely damaging my liver. I have completely stopped drinking, and literally anything bad for me aside from chewing tobacco. I've done lots of reading on the pain management effects of marijuana - and this last week I was presented the opportunity to try pot again for the first time in eight years. I was never into drugs in high school, I can count on one hand how many times I'd smoked weed prior to the last week. Actually, I had been presented this opportunity months ago, but I was way too scared to try it as my last expirence with pot in high school was terrible. So I finally gave in last weekend. I smoked a very little amount - and went to bed. I woke excited to see how it was going to affect my pain. Well, I felt terrible. I was tired and sore. I woke up at noon, watched 45 minutes of a documentary and fell asleep again, I woke up at 8pm, and went to bed again at 9:30. To my surprise, when I woke up Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Friday I felt great. Thursday was a rough day as I'd had some stomach issues semi related to my endo. I decided to really test this and see if it helped me again this week. I went to a Bon fire Friday night and smoked - a lot. This was some strong stuff. And what surprised me the most, was that it wasn't like the last times I'd tried it. It didn't totally freak me out - I didn't "feel" high. I get a better high off my Tramadol or Oxycodone if I wanted that. But - I went to work Saturday, I cleaned the whole house, went to a BBQ, did groceries, etc. I woke up today (Sunday) mostly just tired - but it took one Tramadol all day. My sister and I went alll around our city shopping and walking down the beautiful downtown areas, through all the shops, etc. It was baffling. Now, could this be a fluke? For sure. Maybe I'm just getting lucky. But - I feel like this is close to the time I ovulate and usually those are the WORST days for me. I'm definitely going to mention it to my dr when I see her next, and discuss the option of starting the process of getting a medical marijuana card. I mean, it can't hurt. I don't want to keep smoking without it as there are a lot of dangers associated with the idea of street drugs. (I trusted my source whole heartedly using it this time, which is the only reason I used that alley) If any of you other wonderful ladies out there have used it for pain - what's your experience? Not that anyone reads my sad blog anyways - but it's worth a shot. I have my fingers crossed for this week - and man if this keeps working the way it is - where I only need it once a week - there's no doubt that I will be inquiring about a weed card ASAP 😂

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My sister - more importantly my best friend. 💕

[copenmeghan4x4-blog]

Untitled

I am exhausted. I am tired. My brain hurts. I have been in bed all day. Tired, exhausted and depressed. I saw my GI doctor this week - and was told that the chances of finding anything were slim to none. So she gave me a 24 hour test and a colonoscopy. I also saw my urologist, and She finally diagnosed me with Intersitial Cystitis. She gave me a prescription to help fix the lining of my bladder. I see my Specialist next week. And hopefully she can give me a better idea of what to do. So my list goes - Endometriosis, Adenomyosis, Intersitial Cystitis, PTSD, Depression and Anxiety. At 24 I take over 20 pills a day just to function. Just to be able to make it through the day some days. And somedays - Even that's not enough. At 24 how do I handle this? How am I expected to Cope with the fact that I am so ill, that I can't have a social life, that no one would want to date someone like me, someone who spends most of her weekend sick in bed, and tired in bed unable to move or function from pain. How could anyone love someone like that? I am such a burden on my family. I see it in my sisters eyes when she has to bring me a glass of water because I can't get out of bed. I hear it in my dads voice when he's in town for the first time in months and I can't manage to get up and go for dinner with him because I'm sick and sore in bed. I feel it when I sit beside my mom at a family gathering and she's constantly watching me or asking me if I'm okay. I know this - because no one ever wants to talk to me about anything other than my health. I am more than my illness. I am more than just "the sick girl", I am more than my diagnoses. But no one else sees that. No one cares. Most people dont care about - when I finish school, or how my work is going. No one cares that - I probably couldn't handle taking a four day trip somewhere because the chances of me having to spend half of it in my hotel room is a waste of money to me. I am strong. I am weak at times. I am hardworking. I am passionate about my job. I would be lost without it. I am tired. But I am resilient. I may lose my shine once in a while, but that does not mean I will give up. Days like today, when I sleep for six hours during the day, and I can't walk properly. Days when I'm in so much pain, I'm trying to hide my tears. Days when my sister has to cater to me because I'm so tired and sore and sick. Days like today get me down, and make me want to give up and call in to work for the next week and wallow in self pity, because no one wants me around. No one wants to take care of their younger sister to the degree my sister does. No parent wants to watch their daughter lay pathetically on the couch all day trying to hide her tears from you. But days - like tomorrow. I know I'm going to have to be strong. I know that I get to wake up tomorrow and go to work and do my best. Be the best female autobody tech I know how to be. I know I need to be tough, and power through this. And that later this week - I'll be okay. I had a lot going on this weekend and it's taken its toll. I know that it was too much. And I know I didn't really have a choice in how this weekend unfolded. Tomorrow is going to be a long day - and I'm ready to handle it. Today - I let my Endo defeat me. Today, I failed. But tomorrow - tomorrow; I will try to shine. If I can't shine, I'll shimmer. Until I can shine.

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Acceptance? Hardly.

Being a woman, and being told that you will never be able to do the ONE thing your specifically born to do. It's gut wrenching. Being told you can't have children is one of the hardest things to hear. The night I was told this, I went home and took shot after shot of whiskey. I had always imagined my life as an adult - Married with a beautiful home behind a white picket fence, with two kids (one boy, and one girl) a cat, and a dog. The perfect family. Well that all came crashing down around me. I met a man who I thought was "the one" he was my knight in shining armour. And for the first year of our relationship he was. He helped me through my bad days, loved me and made me feel wanted and needed. He was funny, and loved all the little childish things in life like me. Nerf gun battles, flying kites, building snowforts. I loved him with everything I had. And I guess unfortunately for me, I still do. Things started getting really bad around the time I started school - so April. I was having the worst pain, and I was exhausted. I wanted to die. I think he fell out of love with me the night we were camping. We both got really drunk and I said everything that was on my mind. I told him I wanted to kill myself. Because what kind of life is it like to live this way. After that night things were never the same. In August, I had an episode. I missed two and a half months of work - sick. I was admitted to the hospital after a lengthy ER stay and was there for about two weeks. I had emergency surgery and recovered at home for two months. During this time, he pretended to care - he would reply to my I love you but never meant it. Eventually he just stopped caring at all. He couldn't handle me feeling the way I did. So he broke up with me. Way to kick someone while they're down huh? I never knew how horrible it could feel to know someone could blame you for something that's completely out of your control. I was never anything but a good, nay - great girlfriend. All because of one night. He lied to me for six months. He hid things from me, he lied to my face, and he kicked me out of our home. He hid wedding invites from his friends from me so he wouldn't have to rsvp with me as his +1. How could someone do that? How could they be so cold. So now, not only do I not have a home. A boyfriend. The ability to have children. I also do t have a dog and I'm probably as far away from my perfect life than I ever could have imagined. I guess that's what new beginnings are for. I'm trying to put my faith into god and know that he is leading me somewhere beautiful. For now, I'll just give Noodle some snuggles and drift off to sleep. Goodnight Moon.

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Before I even knew.

I'm going to take you through my journey of Chronic pain due to Endometriosis, Adenomyosis, Intersital Cystistis, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, and other conditions that are currently undiagnosed. When I was a little girl in grade four or five, I would wake up every morning with horrible stomach aches. I would cry to my mom and tell her I wasn't well enough to go to school those days. It would happen for days or weeks at a time. Every morning - I'd wake up with this awful belly ache that I couldn't get rid of. This continued on until I turned 15 and had my first period. My first six periods were normal, light, nothing heavy, and little to no cramps. Along came month seven. I remember it like yesterday, we had some family in from out of town so I was made to sleep on the floor of our spare room to accommodate our guests. I was laying on the floor propped up against the wall in more pain that I ever imagined was possible. I cried and cried. I took Advil after Advil. Eventually - this became my normal. I could go through boxes on boxes of tampons and pads during my periods. Because I was in high school, I never really knew it wasn't normal. All my friends complained about their periods and cramps. My mother and sister had heavy and uncomfortable periods so I never felt like it was out of the ordinary. We knew both of my moms sisters had Endometriosis, cysts polyps etc. I spent almost ten years trying to convince a doctor that I might have Endo. I would go to the ER every month in horrible pain, crying not knowing what was going on in my body. I would be told - it's just your period. It's this, it's that. Nothing's wrong with you. Years of pain. Years of crying and wondering why I feel this way. Finally I got in to see a doctor that wasn't someone Id seen before. She referred me to the best specialist in town and told me right then and there that my endo seemed So bad - that she could with some certainty that I would never have children.

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Movie night with my sister. Endo bloat is making me look 5 months pregnant.