corruptangel214

[corruptangel214]

Sometimes I wonder if I’m the problem

[corruptangel214]

Sometimes I just want someone to talk too. I mean really talk to and feel understood.

[corruptangel214]

As I lay awake at 3:19 am on February 19, 2023 alone my brain just thinks about so much. So much has happened in such a short period of time that I don’t really have time to process one thing before something else happens. I want to be around people so that my brain doesn’t have time to think about everything.

My husband left me

My wound is at a standstill with no surgery date in sight

I got asked to participate in Ms. Wheelchair USA and I can’t because of my wound 

I’m lonely

My hand’s stopped working apparently bc of my spinal cord injury just gets worse over time

I don’t feel important

I can’t keep my house clean

I can’t sit properly in my chair

It hurts to sit in my chair

I can’t get my clothes to fit right

Financial strains

Everything is taking forever

I’m tired of being in this bed

Being in the bed has messed with my posture so now it hurts to be in my chair

I can’t do schoolwork

I miss Tanner and he doesn’t even care or miss me

I miss Betty and Mike, and all of the other Goudeau’s

Jacob died, someone that I had become kind of close to

Chris 😘 doesn’t want to talk to me Because he’s going through his own depression. He told me he fucking loves me and I think I can honestly say I love him too but that’s never going to go anywhere. 

I have so much I want to do, but no one cares enough to help me get it done And I can’t do it by myself 

I need to get everything ready for my surgery so when I’m in the hospital, everything is set up and ready to go 

[corruptangel214]

I fucking love how I’m the One on the bottom of everybody’s list. I’m not important to anybody. I wasn’t important to my husband so he left me. What I want to do and what I need to do never gets taken into consideration. I don’t need to be in my chair yet. I’ve been in my chair for two days and I’m probably gonna spend the third night by myself . My birthday is Tuesday and nobody’s made plans for me. 

[corruptangel214]

I should be used to this by now.. I’m always the odd one out

[corruptangel214]

It use to be second nature so why is this so awkward now?

I was your second in command, your best friend and now I feel like I’m out of the loop…

I really just want to cry.

On top of losing my husband I’ve lost my best friend

[corruptangel214]

So I gonna text him tomorrow. He’s already mad at me and I’m pretty sure you’re seeing someone else already. All I’m doing is setting myself up for more heartbreak but right now I need to reach out to him for my own mental sanity. I’m depressed and struggling emotionally and physically.

[corruptangel214]

Ten years of blogs down the drain… I want to cry

[corruptangel214]

You said that this wasn’t a bad goodbye and that you’d still check on me but you haven’t. I’ve been the only one to text and when you text back it’s 2 word answers. I send a venting Snapchat to one I thought you didn’t use and apparently I’m pissing you off. I’m sorry. Do you remember when you said even if we aren’t together you’d be stuck like glue and I’d never get rid of you? I do and you said it multiple times over the last two years. Guess that wasn’t true.

[corruptangel214]

He told me he only wanted to be friends a month ago.. I’m no longer married. I made him move out because I couldn’t stop crying. Now I want to cry because he’s gone and he’s the only person I want to know me and love me like that. I see his fault’s and know I’m most likely going to be okay. It just hurts so bad. How can someone go from loving someone unconditionally to barely texting back. I’m heartbroken and just want my husband to love me and want me only. I’m too hard to love. He even packed up the rest of his things on my momma’s birthday.

[corruptangel214]

Today’s the day your trailer gets moved off my land. It honestly feels like it end to a lot of things and I’m not sure how I feel about that. I kind of feel like I’m never going to see you, you’re busy. I’m not your priority anymore and that goes for everyone that I used to see. I’m not going to see them anymore because they only came to see you and not me. I see your truck sitting up there and I honestly just want to cry because here I am on my porch alone. Of course he will never be the man I need him to be and I’m stuck lying in the bed that I made. He’s going to make money to buy a boat that he doesn’t need. After that he’s most likely not coming home because he’s going to visit some of his friends. I’ve only been asking for my pond to be done for over two months, the lawn needs to be mowed desperately, there’s so many places that need to be weeded, things that I need done for other people, and so many other things that could be done but of course he’s going to visit friends. I asked him to clean the bedroom last night and of course he got mad and said he will, he leaves this morning in the bedroom is still not clean. I can’t keep doing this I’m not asking for a whole lot, I’m only asking for the bare minimum and I’m not getting it. 

[corruptangel214]

I just want to be taken into consideration.

[corruptangel214]

You didn’t get up until noon today and immediately wanted to go to Walmart and spent three hours in Walmart and can’t even get one thing done at the house. I’m fucking over this

[corruptangel214]

I regret a lot of things.

I can’t change those things now.

There’s no going back. I’m alone now and that’s okay. I’ll get use to the silence and myself.

The pain can’t last forever.

Do I really want to live this way forever?

Will things get better?

Can I mold this into a positive outcome?

This is what I wanted remember… well not exactly…

[corruptangel214]

I’m struggling and depressed.

I can’t see my way out of this.

No one understands

I get frustrated because I can’t just show you and I’m detailed oriented.

I just want to look half ass decent but those days are long gone

[corruptangel214]

I am alone now.

I can’t even get my clothes put on correctly

I can’t get my hair done right

I can’t get my animals taken care of the way I need

My needs don’t matter anyway

I just want my momma

[corruptangel214]

I’m so tired of this body. It’s deteriorating at such a fast rate and I have so much I want to do in life. My emotions are everywhere about so much. I’m questioning decisions I’ve made and the reasons why God chose me to handle such a heavy load.

I miss my momma

I want friends to actually do things with me

I just want to feel appreciated and wanted for who I am

I want my hand back

I want to feel like I’m not alone

I want this to be over