countdownto65 - Tumblr blog

[countdownto65]

Every love story is beautiful but ours is my favorite

You don't want to hear mushy love stuff keep scrolling. Coming from someone who questions almost every decision I make, I have never been more certain of anything in my whole life. I have found the love of my life. He is the chill to my spaz. The positive outlook when I am being negative. The follow through to all the times others have let me down. We existed fine independently of one another, which makes our relationship out of choice instead of need. No codependent clingy bullshit. I loved him almost a decade ago but was still involved in my constant questioning of what was the right move. Then when I lost him I knew I made the wrong move. I remember the first time I saw him after almost 4 years. At a Saturday morning meeting, the first Saturday meeting I ever went to on the recommendation from a friend that it wasn't terrible. "And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it" (The Alchemist) When I saw him he stepped out of the car and said "you go to this meeting?" I thought "well I do now". I knew I was in trouble. I loved him immediately. I had a current rocky relationship and I knew instantly it would not withstand this. I tried to convince myself for a few months that it was not love but I coincidently saw him all over town. One day as I tried to explain why we couldn't date right now bc of the other guy he said "it's ok. I can wait. I can see the future and your gonna marry me." "It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting." (Again... The Alchemist) We don't always have the same opinion on things but we are best friends and always respect the others viewpoint. Never argument or disrespect. I still think about him when I wake up and can't wait to see him in the evening. He still sends me good morning texts and holds my hand in public and in the car. No matter how much time passes I feel the same. My soulmate, my best friend, and at last, my man. I feel so lucky to finally have him. I will do everything to be a good woman, to try not be a control freak, to keep him around me forever. I would marry this man today if it wouldn't screw with my student loans. Anyway. I love you Mr. Denny Pond. Bigger then the sun. "One is loved because one is loved. No reason is needed for loving" (you guessed it...The Alchemist)

[countdownto65]

True Love

Been thinking hard and long about this now that we have been together for several months and the newness has worn off. I am 100%sure that Denny is my true love. Like I have never been so sure of anything in my life. But the long hard thoughts are more like why? I find him attractive but not the most attractive guy I've dated. Him being considerably older then me makes me have to accept some things. A lower sex drive, he works hard so I don't see him much during the week and sometimes he just comes home and sleeps. This is only a slight irritation bc I want to come home and sleep some days but the way my life is set up it's not an option. I worry about his health. I would like him to loose weight, exercise and get this neck surgery but only bc I really want him to last long. I fucked off almost a decade that I could have had with him. If our time gets cut short I will feel guilty. I guess this is just to say that I've always thought men with fat women or ugly women or older women that seem so in love and proud were settling. But now I know it's not in the looks or the body but in the connection and partnership. And that connection makes them the most beautiful person in the world. I always said I will never get married. If I didn't need to be poor to finish school I would marry him. I sometimes fantasize about what our wedding would be. Small and informal with a decent sized reception. Our first dance as a couple would be God Bless the Broken Road by Rascall Flats and I would get that dance with my dad that my sister had that I was so envious of. (Not jealous bc jealousy would imply I was not wildly happy for her.) It's just an experience I never thought I'd have. One thing I know is true about Denny..."God blessed the broken road that led me straight to you."

[countdownto65]

Under The Moon And Stars

Tonight was the first night it was clear and not freezing cold. I am struggling so hard with patience. I was at my wits end tonight so I decided to sit in my side yard where it was as dark as it gets in suburbia, and meditate. There was a chilly breeze, a sliver moon and bright stars. Many "stars" move very slowly if you watch them long enough. Not planes. They are different. It makes me wonder what really is out there and how are we all connected. I prayed. I meditated for 15 minutes sitting on the grass, trying to connect to the universe. I often make up my own meditations as to be able to keep focus and concentration. Sitting on the ground and staring at the moon I pictured myself breathing in the patience from the universe above and sending the frustration through my butt to the center of the earth. It was in the top 3 best meditation experiences I have had since I started practice.

I have all the Buddhist information about being mindfully above anger and frustration but I just have been failing horribly. And I feel guilty because my kids and the puppy and the kids at school deserve me at my kindest. But I am struggling with kindness. For a while I was doing well at finding things to be greatful for and not being so reactive. But I was smoking weed. At that time I wanted nothing more to overcome the addiction but when I did I became back to being my asshole, reactionary self. I even got on new medication (that has done nothing but give me headaches and make me hungry) to try to combat the irritability.

The puppy gets the worst of it and I really want to have more patience. I feel like I will make her mean if I don't. But she is so infuriating. She is ruining my house with her non potty training. My carpet is ruined upstairs. She is sucking money out of me. I spent 5 hours this evening shampooing my 2 carpets I have left in the house. Literally as I was pouring 30 dollar urine out on the carpet she came upstairs and peed right in front of me on the carpet. This is after me taking her out on the leash 7 times with only 1 pee. The rest of the times she chased leaves or tried to dig holes or barked at the neighbors or played tug of war with her leash. All of these things I should have had the mindfulness to say she is just a puppy. But instead I'm barking orders at her to go in a shitty tone and I wonder why she doesn't go? I have never beat her. I usually flip her on her back and yell at her. If she is biting or chewing I have hit her in the nose. But for example, earlier I was trying to sit on the floor and love on her and she jumped and hit me in the bottom of the chin so hard it is now swollen and black and blue. I guess I just suck at dog training. I am too overwhelmed by the rest of my life.

Then Leah is the nicest little girl I know but I get frustrated with life and am explosive in front of her or my tone with her is shittier then it needs to be. She still somehow loves me unconditionally and constantly tells me. I wonder sometimes if she is trying to earn love that she feels is missing bc of my temper.

I want to be kinder. I want to be more aware of my reactions and change them. If you follow me you know I struggle with God. I was going balls deep into meditation and calling that my prayer time but something was missing. It wasn't God I had a problem with. It is Christianity. I believe in all Buddhist principals except reincarnation. I believe that God dishes out your karma in your own life and that he is "the universe" that opens or closes doors in the quest to fulfill your personal legend.

I want to have more kindness, better intention, better karma. Maybe things would be or at least seem less difficult. I want my kids to remember me as a loving, kind mother. I am getting better with Olivia. Picking my battles and trying to listen more. She in turn is more receptive and not spreading misery around the house. Not near as good as I could be but better. She will not remember the mother of her childhood being kind or patient. I hope she can remember the mother of her teenage years as at least trying.

Right now I feel like I'm failing at not be reactive and patient. But the meditation and prayer under the moon made me feel like maybe I can start and try again tomorrow.

[countdownto65]

An old poem I wrote in 2010

[countdownto65]

The Plant.

Someone gave me this fern over 4 years ago right after I left Jason in January of 2014. It had been ate by a cat and was only a half inch green toothpick with one thin, short root. Much like myself at the time, I was broken and barely making it. My "roots" were weak from years of emotional and physical abuse, I lost my job due to the stress, I was going to loose my house after only 2 years and my sense of self was small and easily broken...just like the fern.

I used my good potting soil and replanted it. I cared for it. It stayed alive but just as a green stick for many months. Finally by the end of summer one tiny leaf sprouted and opened. Just like the fern I was beginning to grow ever so slowly. I started to substitute teach. It wasn't a steady job but it was something. My tiny leaf was sprouting.

As time went on over the course of the next 3 years the fern began to grow slowly bigger and taller, with increasingly more sprouts and bigger leaves. I replanted it into a bigger pot that my youngest made me for mothers day. During this time I made huge personal gains. I learned to choose a man that showed me that love was more then anxiety (One sprout) I got hired into a teacher aide job. (Two sprouts) I remortgaged and saved the house. (Three sprouts) I got sober. (Four sprouts). I went back to school toward a bachelors degree. (Five sprouts).

By the summer of 2017 the fern hadn't sprouted since early spring. At this same time, without noticing the plant, I began to question my spirituality, my relationship, my ability to succeed. My relationship with my teenage daughter was crumbling as she faces her own mental illness. I relapsed with marijuana. But all was not lost. I was knocked down but I was not at square one either. I continued to work and go to school. I began looking into less traditional forms of spirituality. I made an effort to change my parenting style to help my daughter. All the while the ferns growth slowed but never died.

By early 2018 I had not seen a new sprout for many months. I had picked up many pieces from my manic episode. I began a new relationship. I increased my therapy. I explored Buddhism. But the relationship with my daughter was getting worse as her mental health declined until a psychiatric hold was placed on her at the hospital. Before this I had smoked a few times but the stay pushed me back into daily use. Coincidentally the tips of some of my ferns leaves got brown and dry. I thought it was getting a plant disease.

After 20 failed attempts at requiting I finally have had some success...and the plant sprouted again for the first time in almost a year and it was a huge, healthy one. (Six sprouts). You can see in the picture that it is still spreading out bigger and greener. Now the other tips are still brown but it never got worse.

Recently the first and littlest sprout turned all brown and is dried out and about to fall off. What does this mean for me? What is the symbolism? Maybe that I have to let go of things that were once so special to me to make room for bigger better growth, even if letting go is hard, because I was proud of that leaf.

I will continue to view my plant as a symbol of my rebuilding. From a place where I was so far in over my head. I was a green stick. To now entering my BSW program. I am a healthy green fern that continues to grow to 6 sprouts big. The brown tips serve as a reminder that bumps in the road don't have to kill you. Even if everyone can see the imperfection, they can also see the beauty and growth. The dying first leaf is a symbol of letting go of old beliefs and relationships that I have out grown. As do I, the fern will continue to grow, slowly but consistently as long as I remember to care for it and treat it gently.

#Namaste

[countdownto65]

I'm Reinstituting The Count Down

The title is count down to 65 because I had a long held belief that I will kill myself at 65. Old enough for my kids to be solid in their adult lives and my parents to be dead. My intention is not out of sadness but rather relief.

A few basic reasons for review. I can't keep struggling with a brain that goes haywire (a "manic episode") and makes me self distruct. I have such terrible self blame that when I get too worked up I get stuck on hurting myself (not killing). And although I do actually fear for my safety in said situations, I am reluctant to call it an emergency bc it has happened so many times I know if I can just settle down and feel love from someone the feeling will usually pass. This makes me feel crazy and makes me feel like I have compromised my integrity to anyone that knew I was struggling with a mental health crisis. September was bad, yesterday was worse. I will fight as long as I have kids to raise but I don't have another 50 years of fight in me.

I don't want to live to get too old. Body and mind breaking down, not being able to safely walk or wash my own ass, being a burden to my adult kids...I have already been a tremendous burden on them bc of my mood disorder. I won't do that to them.

I don't want to fight my addiction cycle anymore. Even with long periods of abstinence I have intense cravings often, then shame for giving into the craving. Addiction cycle to pot, sleeping pills, attention, control, food. I will battle these demons my whole life. Again I don't have 50 more years in me.

I had a time that maybe I would give up on this. I would just be an old lady that smoked weed everyday and owns cats. But last 6 months has me thinking more like damn that was a good plan. I have some flexablity with the exact age. But def between 60 and 70. And factors such as having a spouse, being in better or worse health, psych medication advancement, money for retirement, grandkids, could change my mind or adjust my age.

And I know how Ill do it too. I will go to one certain park that is always empty while I can still drive and take an ass load of sleeping pills and back the exhaust up into the car. Pretty peaceful death. Then no messy cleanup. My kids could still inhabit my house without bad energy.

As of today I will reinstitute the countdown. 29 years 12 days aaaaannnnnddddd go.🏁

1/9/2018

[countdownto65]

I Refuse to Die a Hungry Ghost

In Buddhism there are 6 realms that a person can born into. As I understand it they are less about parallel universes and more about perpetual mind states. For instance there is a human and an animal realm that plainly coexist. These are the realms as I understand them from my limited knowledge.

1. Heaven: the people with the best karma. Not heaven like a place in the sky, more like the happy people who seem to have all the luck.

2. Human: considered a good place to be. There is both suffering and pleasure, but they are metathinkers and therefore their human minds give them a chance at finding happiness or enlightenment.

3. Angry Gods: they live in and act on anger and thrive on war.

4. Hungry Ghosts: insatiable craving. Stuck in a place where they can never get "enough" of whatever IT is. This is the cause of much suffering. Often depicted as having large bellys but tiny mouths and necks. Although food is plentiful, they are starving.

5. Animal: they are exploited by humans, act on impulse and lack self awareness for happiness or enlightenment. Humans can be here.

6.Hell: the most suffering but you are only stuck here until you build enough good karma to get out.

My whole life has been a hungry ghost. Never good enough, never consume enough, always waiting on the tomorrow that will be so much better. Never enough approval, attention, perfection, money, junk food, drugs. Always counting on it being better "in a few years when I..." (Fill in the blank). For me, and probably others, much of this comes from trauma and constantly looking to make it better. Although I remember some of these problems being pervasive as a young child. I heard a quote that says "you can never get enough of something that almost works". Ain't that the truth?

The last few years I have been working to climb out of this realm. To let go of that which controls me. But changing the realm you were born in takes a total change in mindset and a huge amount of work, self awareness and self discipline. It requires sitting in, living in, and working through the uncomfortablity of life that I have been running away from.

I was doing well for a while but I was lacking spirituality and self awareness. I fell a few steps back in September and landed back with my old friends, the hungry ghosts. Never enough (male) attention, never enough junk food, never enough mind altering substances (namely pot and sleeping pills). I didn't slip back to square one but I slipped nonetheless.

I needed some sense of self awareness and to believe in something bigger then myself. I have a problem with the general hipocrisy of Christianity and a monotheistic judge and jury. But I know there is something bigger then myself nonetheless. This is where Buddhism really appeals to me. Greatfulness, kindness, impermanence. The ability to rebel against my unhelpful thoughts and emotions by bringing my attention to the present moment, giving me a second to pause and then approaching with compassion because after all we are all made of the same stuff, we share our energy.

Anyway I refuse to die a hungry ghost, wasting my time and energy on things that ALMOST work...but not quite. I'm not big on new years resolutions but I decided I will really buckle down in 2018 and fight the hungry ghost spirit. To let go of that which controls me. I am focusing on my big 3, pot, binge eating and resentments (which in turn gives me a negative and judgemental view on the world). I aspire to live in this human realm and persue happiness. Maybe happiness isn't the right word bc I know I will experience pain and uncomfortable emotions. Maybe satisfaction is more accurate. I feel like I am walking a tight rope between the two realms where anything could push me over to one side or the other. In 2018 I will get at least one foot solidly in the human realm.

1-2-2018

[countdownto65]

When you are sexually abused...

When you are sexually abused as a child or teen it effects your brain processes forever.

When you are sexually abused you learn to swallow that little part of your conscience that says this isn't right. This has implications of poor boundary setting and poor choices at least until you can get that voice back. I would argue that once it is so far gone it doesn't come back .

When you are sexually abused you disconnect sex from love. I have sex. I am in love. But the two are rarely intertwined.

When you are sexually abused you loose your modesty. Private parts are no longer private. This is why so many victims become strippers or prostitutes.

When you are groomed to be sexually abused you equate a mans sexual interest in you as part of your self worth. So you seek the wrong kind of attention earning you a bad reputation.

When you are sexually abused you have a hard time believing anyone loves you unconditionally. You always look for the motive. This is huge in self worth. You question your parents love, you never are able to dive into a relationship fully without huge insecurity.

When you are sexually abused by a married couple your view of healthy relationships becomes skewed.

When you are sexually abused by a rich couple you learn that letting it happen becomes a power move as they buy you things and they know that you know you could tell and ruin them.

When you are sexually abused you build shame for not taking a stand and saying no. Guilt and shame that last a lifetime. You spend your whole life believing you are a whore for letting it continue for years.

When you are sexually abused your fight or flight becomes overused and deregulated, leaving you anxious and irritable all the time.

When you are sexually abused and it finally ends your body may have escaped but your mind has not.

When you are sexually abused it effects your decisions and relationships well into adulthood.

When you are sexually abused it leads you to substance abuse to zone out and forget what is going on. My abusers regularly got me drunk and high. I was 15. Leading me to a long road of substance problems.

I just as an adult want to feel confident in loving myself, bring back the this ain't right part of my brain so I can be confident about my decisions, I want to feel confident that when my partner/family members say they love me that it will be unconditionally. My lack of confidence sends me out on a journey to seek others approval and get overly hurt or jump into fight or flight if someone has a bad opinion of me. I just want a reset button so my kids, my boyfriend and myself can have a less turbulent life because of me.

https://youtu.be/w_9VHjgfgjo

12-15-17

[countdownto65]

Building a Spirituality

Along the lines of my other entry I have been looking into some eastern forms of spirituality. I have begun to make a very small practice of listening and learning some Buddhist stuff while I get ready in the morning and a short meditation every night that I keep as my prayer. I will eventually look at then other takes on similar religions the 4 agreements is toltic or something. And then the chakras so like I said I am just a baby into building my own spiritual base. And honestly why can’t my personal spirituality be an ala cart version of what I believe in? For instance I believe in a God, I believe in heaven, but I also believe in karma in this lifetime. Idk if I can buy the reincarnation thing. I know I need some Buddhist principles. But they want you to give up desire and passion and that is where I have a speed bump. Def believe that suffering is caused by desire and we need to be more inner connected and happy. Give up on our desire to always know. But it seems to fall short on goal setting for your self or your kids. Or getting feel good brain chemicals from passions. Passion drives humans forward. Why can’t I work toward the 8 fold path but come up short and set goals so our modest material needs are met? Basically I am just trying to find out what works for me. I have been working on right speech. I would like to not talk for a whole day. As a hard practice of thinking before I speak. That is nearly impossible with my job.

[countdownto65]

If At First You Don't Succeed...

I have been basicly relapsed on weed since my last mental health departure. I tried to control it for a while with moderate success...I could string together a few days or a work week but my aggregate money spent is now officially a problem. So tomorrow I am committed to quiting and putting more effort into my recovery. Going to try to get to 4 recovery appointments next week. One today, my therapist tomorrow, meditation on Wednesday, the gym on Thursday and meeting on Friday. I am nervous. I know the week will be tough but the weekend I am really trying to prepare for. My brain will create thoughts and excuses to drive me back to the feel good state ellictied by the weed. My problem list is greater then my benefit list. A rational person would give it up. Go back to being a person who is able to let go of what controls them. Let go of seeking out sense pleasure. It will never be enough or last long enough. Plus I eat like an overweight person. Like if I continue to smoke and eat like I have been I will be over weight by spring and I've worked hard at weight and fitness. Will keep up on this blog to see successes and struggles.

[countdownto65]

Anicca

I said I would write about this in more detail. I have begun to listen, read and practice some Buddhist principles. The first one is that of impermanence or anicca. Nothing in life is truly permanent. It may change or leave fast or slowly but nothing and no one is permanent. Being in my 30’s is not permanent. Raising children is not permanent. Olivia at 14 and Leah at 8 is such a short block of time before they grow and change. My parents are not permanent. The weather, my car, my house, this job, not permanent. My romantic relationships even in a best case scenerio if they lasted until one of us dies are not permanent. I think that this is a key step in my process of enlightenment. Entangled in this is that life is suffering or dukka. And that suffering is caused by desire. I am such a planner and I often project negatively into the future. When my plan falls off or when I am let down by someone or myself it has in the past sent me into a mental health tailspin. The one speaker says if you look for certainty in things that are uncertain you will bring on suffering. But the anicca more or less says nothing is certain except the present moment.

“Yesterday is a memory, tomorrow is speculation, only the present is certain”.

This leads me to think I need to be more thankful for things in the present. Of course this is a work in the very beginning of progress. But I think this is a huge first step to being more balanced and being more vulnerable and open to connection. If I know it can all be gone tomorrow, and if waiting for some uncertian perfect timing why am I depriving myself of connection today? Of course I am still an emotional being. If something big ended tomorrow I would be sad. But how wonderful a feeling to say it sucks that it is gone but I did everything I could to cherish that time.

This goes with romantic relationships, family, my kids. I did not cherish Olivia enough from ages 6 to 12. I regret that. I try to do better with Leah but I get short tempered with her. I am working on remembering day to day to cherish my kids time. I am giving up on my “I can do it myself forever” attitude and invite connection with Denny. And if shit falls apart I can say I really enjoyed the time we got to spend together.

I think that here I need a line about just bc things are impermanent doesn’t mean I don’t still have goals and plan to better myself. That is where the accept the things you can not change and change the things you can come in. I will still take part in bettering my future. After all the concept of impermanence come with the concept of becoming. My plans for the future are part of my becoming. So impermanence can lead to bigger and better things when possible.

I will do my meditation now and will think on this some more.

10-20-17

[countdownto65]

I love you to love me...

After almost a decade I finally get to be with the man who I have loved but the timing has never been right. But even in the time we didn't speak I dreamed of him. His ex girlfriend is (aside from Jason and my abusers) the only person I have hated in my adult life, mostly bc she is a shitty person but partially bc I knew it should have been me. We have a long history that I don't need to get into . If you care read the older posts in this blog. https://www.blogger.com/blogger.g?blogID=1848132635388750508#allposts

But to finally have the timing be right. To really call him my man and be proud to be in public or to sleep next to him or to cook him dinner, to be a real couple, feels like the most right decision I have made in a long time. Granted I got a lot of people hating, my family namely, or men who thought they had a chance. I also told Mikey I had went on a few dates with him and I thought it could lead to more. So when it sinks in that I am with him it will hurt his feelings and that makes me feel yucky inside. But I deserve to be happy and in love. And if "in love" is something that fades then why have I consistently been in love with Denny for 8 years? He called me a few times from rehab and I looked forward to talking to him but bc of his addiction I had counted him out as good as dead. I knew the first time I saw him in the summer when he got home from rehab that I was in trouble. I instantly wanted to sit next to him and hold his hand. I instantly felt what I felt the last time I saw him. I can't explain it but to say he is my soul mate.

Now will me typing this backfire in my face? Maybe. But in order to be open to connection you need to be open to vulnerability. He has some loose ends to tie up legally from his year of using and if he relapsed I would be devastated. But he is doing so well. Working, staying sober, jumping through all his legal hoops. And he says he loves me the same. I believe he does. He called me occasionally over the last few years bc he loved me. I wouldn't take him bc his life was a mess but nonetheless he never let go of the idea of us. There has to be something there. So the point is could this blow up in my face? It could but I need to take a chance.

Also been really thinking on the concept of impermanence. I will write another post about this but nothing is really permanent so take chances and enjoy the good times and the good feelings. If something happens I will be let down but I will chalk it up to the concept of anicca. I will enjoy the feeling of in love while it is present.

For now I just feel like I can exhale and enjoy the feeling of passionately in love.

10/18/2017

[countdownto65]

Spirituality

If you've known me lately you have known I have struggled with the concept of God, religion and spirituality. I like my world rationalized and able to be measured by the world of acedemia. I have a bad taste in my mouth toward religion as I feel shame was forced upon me, I was not accepted as myself, I just could not believe the dogma and not to mention many of the good practicing Catholics were pretty shitty people (case in point my abusers). Also I feel the bible has been in the hands of far too many powerful people in history who had motive to twist it toward their agenda, to herd the people like sheep. But I never really doubted the presence of God, just the motive of religion. As I go forward on my journey in life and discovering self I do feel to live a balanced life I need to find spirituality. Since my mental health crisis I have looked into it more closely. More into Eastern outlooks. I have been reading up on Buddhism, listening to Buddhist podcast and beginning to insert a small meditation into my nightly routine. If you know me you know I need to slow down. In mind body and spirit. I have always said I was "bad" at meditation. I couldn't do it. But that is exactly why I need to do it. In listening to these podcast the speaker says lets just take 2 mins for mindfulness. I thought Buddhist sure waste a lot of time...lol. Then I thought, this is why I need this. I need to learn to be present and appreciative. I feel this is where my spiritual path begins. Not the path of my parents or ancestors and not a preplanned path for me. This is a place that I can buy into deep in my chest. I also have heard of a spiritual center with a service I want to attend. I am actually excited as I may have found what I am needing to be whole and wholly successful in finding myself and in living a balanced life

10-10-17

[countdownto65]

Acceptance

So had to step down from leading my SMART recovery meeting and become a participant. That means admitting my defeat to all the people I was once teaching how to not become defeated. This is vulnerability at its finest. But Brene Brown says vulnerability spawns connection. I feel this is true. Who in the recovery community is my friend? Well def Jerry and Bob and even Newell. But maybe some of my participants in recovery will feel or be more connected now that I am one of them.

I think my thing I need to grasp is acceptance. Acceptance that I will always WANT to smoke. It will be a battle for the rest of my non smoking career. Also acceptance that I have my wired my brain in such a way that when it comes to marijuana my usage pattern will be problematic. It will cause problems for my kids and my career. So if I ever decide to make the choice to give up the fight I will be smoking all day everyday, obsessively and expensively. Also to tie the two concepts together. I need acceptance that I will need to fight the cravings until my kids are grown and my career is solid.

Another thing I feel stupid that WEED is such a problem for me. I mean the fact that it is not dangerous and that most people can use with no problems. Even less people have problem with weed then with alcohol. But I need more acceptance. It is a huge problem for me. I could do one beer, one line, or one Vicodin (not saying I am...) but not one joint. Shitty deal but it is true.

Just acceptance that this will be a struggle forever for me, but a necessary struggle for me to be a mother and a professional.

[countdownto65]

Empathy for Self

What is the nemesis of shame? Empathy.

What is the root of most of your shame? Attention seeking, codependentcy and sexual misconduct.

Empathy. You were the oldest in the family fighting for parental attention against two babies.

You hit puberty early. This was a 2 fold problem. You started getting attention furthering the tight shirts but in turn Everyone in 4th grade started calling you a ho. You had never even kissed a boy. You were not a ho and kids are fucking mean.

But you know who else’s attention you got by having boobs, dressing in body suits and seeking attention at 11 years old? A fucking pedophile. While your behavior made you an easy target, NO ONE DESERVES TO BE SEXUALLY EXPLOITED AT 12, 13, 14, OR 15 YEARS OLD. Did you fuckin get that? No matter what your actions it was not your fault they targeted you. Even if you agreed to it at 13, 14, 15 you can leave that self blame right here bc that was their bad NOT YOURS. This is where you learned sex = attention, power, control. They would buy you stuff, get you high and drunk, make you feel like the best person they know all (not explicitly stated) for sexual behavior. I learned a skewed view on relationships and appropriate sexual behavior in adult married behavior. I learned to emotionally detach from sex. I learned to over ride the “this shit ain’t right” feeling you get in your chest when you are uncomfortable in a situation. All of these things are what set your boundaries and your very left field view of what kind of attention makes you feel worthwild. This was not your fault and sometimes life has shitty things happen that effect our outlook forever.

So it sure was easy to sleep with boyfriends, I mean you “loved” them, they were always older, sex was something that didn’t come from everybody so with my sexual skills I learned from the pedophiles I was the best gf a 16 year old could have. And bc I could so easily separate sex from emotion (as a conditioned response to molestation) and it was a way to get boys I liked to notice me, I gave it up easily. Not necessarily sex, but sexual acts. It was one way I felt power and control. Boys treated me special on the surface bc I was pretty with tight clothes…but I failed to realize the power was momentary at the cost of respect. Both self respect and respect of everyone else. This was when my first experience with the fuck and run type of dude came in. The first time I cared. After that I didn’t at least I told myself I didn't but This was when I began codependency. They didn’t always fuck and run. I was good at getting boys to stick around for a while. I was a serial dater. I had to have a significant other to feel worth so I had too many boyfriends. Always one on hand one on the backburner. This was you reaching out for real connection, something you felt had been missing both with your parents, your abusers and your random sexual encounters. When I had a bf I was faithful. I know that sounds fucked up bc I just said I had a backburner but I was never sleeping with this other guy. I just friend zoned him knowing he liked me so I could establish my safety net. So one day at 17 Ieft home, went to a house party, hooked up with the guy who’s house it was (Matt) and that was the start of my first adult relationship. I loved him from the bottom of my toes but he often cheated on me and I never left him for it. It was at this time that I severed my relationship with my abusers. I was old enough to at least have an inkling something wasn’t right, plus now I considered it cheating and I didn’t cheat on him. He started selling drugs. We both got into cocaine. It was easy bc I dated the dopeman.

Then he went to prison. I continued the relationship with him but continued to date/sleep with men while he was away. This was when I caught an std and began stripping on weekends. This is still caused by poor boundaries and a skewed idea of sex and power… Set in motion by sexual abuse. By now I had slowed way down on cocaine but had a huge weed and alcohol habit. I worked at a catholic preschool during the week but stripped to pay for my substances on Sat nights. This set off a little bit of the uncomfortable double life feeling but I pushed it down. I also hustled people for substances. Although I never slept with anyone for money or drugs. But I def made them think I might so they would get me high. Never felt bad either bc if your a dude willing to be got you deserved to get hustled…that was my mindset. I also saw stripping as a hustle. Hustle to me means fuck with a lame walk with a limp. I mean if your gonna be thirsty I’ll take your money. This is probably when I acquired my mindset that most dudes were creeps and out to get me. I realize now that by appearing easy I was literally attracting creeps but at the time I enjoyed the attention and the feeling of superiority and has a huge sample of men to confirm my bias.

Every now and then though I got tricked out of my hard exterior and caught feelings. This is my deep emotional need for connection, to feel worth while. This is where I met my daughters father. He was a giant red flag but problem with bad boundaries and emotional regulation is if I liked you I would ignore red flags and become overly obsessed with you. This has continued to be a problem throughout adulthood.

Anyways I dated Tony until He went to prison, then Matt got out of prison until we broke up, then Tony got out of prison and we has Olivia. Then Tony went back to prison and I met Jason, I left Jason when Tony got out of prison but when Tony and I broke up I went back to Jason and we had Leah. Are you seeing the boomerang effect of codependentcy and back burner relationships. One stable relationship was not enough.

I wanted Jason to be different. To be a family but unfortunately Jason turned out to be very abusive mentally, physically and emotionally. He was an alcoholic and a mean one. But for some reason I loved him and let him stomp on me over and over. He took my confidence. He took my pride. He took my soul. I tried to break up with him 30 times he would say no and just wouldn’t leave. I was faithful to him until I moved out into subsidised housing. But even then I didn’t have multiple men just one man that to this day I love. This guy put up with being #2 for 2 years on and off. Maybe he knew I loved him, maybe he knew that I was stuck with Jason, maybe he knew I needed to feel wanted and worthy. During this I felt guilty and shameful. I eventually bought a house and moved Jason in. That is when this other guy got a new gf and left me alone. It was like mourning a breakup that I couldn’t tell anyone. Eventually I legally evicted Jason and this left me with a self worth and connection black hole.

I acted out for a minute on my usual single m.o.. Then an old friend from middle school came in. He was different then others in that he was genuinely nice and cared for my well being. Unfortunately he also came with a huge dose of depression leading to at the time an inability to keep a job or help with housework. But I stayed with him on and off for the next few years bc I loved him for his emotional support and that he made me feel worthy. Plus it was safe. As a woman in her 30s, I am at the point that if I’m in a relationship I don’t cheat or scope out new guys or have a backburner. It kept me emotionally reeled in. But bc of my trust issues, bc of my lack of feeling worthy, bc of my resentment for him watching me struggle, and bc of my need for excitement or passion (see drama) I couldn’t be with him forever. Even after he got better and held a job and helped my brain short circuits and told me that our lack of connection was insurmountable. I broke his heart and he did nothing wrong. I am just still searching for that lasting “in love” connection that I am not sure exists. I harbor huge guilt here. Both for his feelings and for what could be wrong with me that I left what I said I wanted. That maybe my brain will never let me really love. My only empathy here is that I am working on my shit and all I can do is that.

Every time in my adult life when I have been unhappy in a relationship I’ve left instead of fixing. I have searched out attention through suggestive facebook posts or selfies or sexting. I have been emotionally raw towards men. I had a shitty attitude toward relationships. Anytime that I was single or had freedom I either had a fuck buddy that I didn’t feel anything for or sometimes I would make a strong connection and go all in. I would rush it sexually (again not necessarily full sex but messing around for sure) and more times then not I get played. Within 2 weeks after they no longer answer my texts or calls. This is the shit adult shame is built from. How can you be so blind and stupid? Why can’t you be stable and happy? But here is where I need an empathy piece. Your sexuality was already not healthy then Jason stripped you of any self worth. He often told you no one could ever love me bc I was such a low down terrible person, a piece of shit mother, a whore. Six years of that and you begin to believe it. So if a man comes along and sells you a dream of being loveable its hard not to want with all your heart to believe them. And sexuality is my only tool I know for reeling them in. But when things get too serious I start getting scared of being broken or having to work on things that historically haven’t worked or old scars become obsessions.

I am at a point in my life now that I want to change but Tbh I don’t know how. I want to regain respect for myself and I would like to change peoples opinion of me or better yet not care. This has sent me into a major mental health crisis. I want to know how to reel it in and gain respect while still being true to myself. I still yearn for spark, sex and connection but I want to do it healthily. I want to take the emotional polarization and shame out of sex. Instead of not caring at all or being a crazy obsessive smothering weirdo and throwing myself at someone then feeling like an idiot for falling so hard. So maybe dates in public, counting actions over words and putting time in between the spark and the sex.

I am still struggling with what to do about social media. I mean I need to chill on the provocative selfies, attention seeking posts, and entertaining anyone that messages me… but I still like to be noticed. I want to post selfies and I think dirty memes are funny. Anyway this is long. I am still figuring shit out. And I can’t just look at empathy without taking inventory of what I could have done differently. But this post is empathy and it did help take off a small piece of that shame.

(*when I say act out sexually I don't mean I've had hundreds of partners but rather I have been quick to sexually experiment but I have also developed a "stop point". Don't get it too twisted.)

[countdownto65]

Crazy

Man it sucks so bad to be a smart, rational person who's brain short circuits from time to time. Still trying to pull myself up. I am determined not to let my life fall apart.

It starts with obsessive thoughts. That is the beginning but often I can stop it there after a few days before I get totally knocked off my square. But lets say I fall for someone and get played or I feel guilty about breaking someone's heart for my own selfishness. Then I start to add shame in there and racing thoughts of how to numb it. Then that shit starts to run through my head, usually until I do it (sex, weed, over eating, self harm, stealing). Then I have dual thoughts of how doing it or thinking this way is illogical or bad and how I am going to ruin my life and the simultaneous thoughts to keep doing it. Thoughts that will not stop.

This is the bitch now. You try to stop yourself from thinking thoughts which you can't stop thinking so in turn you feel crazy. Then I worry that it won't stop ever.

At least because I am aware I am doing things to try to stop it. Called my psychiatrist to up my meds. Its been 4 days and no success yet. I am here at my therapist appointment now. I will talk about what my next step is with her. No more pot. Period. Even if it does give me brain chill it has many problematic effects on my life. I chain smoke till its gone, I spend money, I make bad choices to attain it when I'm out, it makes me lazy, it makes me eat a bunch of bullshit, it is a poor example to my kids, it will effect my future career. I will set up better boundaries with men. Dates only in public, no sexting, limiting provocative selfies or selfies at all, no men that smoke pot, no second chance on red flags, don't fall for words only actions and sustained action, recognize spark as different then in love and let that emotion fade before you make any sexual decision.

These are plans to forward myself but today I would be happy to just let my thoughts stop racing. I'm tired of feeling crazy.

[countdownto65]

What Have You Learned?

Trying to recognize that I am/was spiraling into a mental black hole and pull myself out of it. I have noticed that not only do I leave men after we have been together around the 3 year mark. I also often fall into a mental health black hole and loose what good I have going for me. My job, my respect, my sobriety, my future career, sometimes my stability in housing.

I am not going to let it take me that far this time. I need to reevaluate my motivation and rise above my racing thoughts and impulsive behaviors. At this point I have had a 2 week relapse. But it doesn't have to mean I give up and go back out. It means that I will work hard with my therapist. The next few weeks will be tough not to search out any pot but after that I will be back to the regular struggle of recovery. It took me exactly one dime bag to turn back into a weed crackhead. To make poor decisions and smoke all day. If it is here I have no control over moderation I smoke it till its gone. If I don't have it I need to work harder then I have had to in two years to not go get it or hang with people I know will smoke with me. That means severing one relationship that I kind of don't want to. Bc even though we haven't smoked together me associating with Mr. Wiz Kalifa himself spawned my great idea of moderation. Yes I wish I could smoke socially with a date or keep some on hand for a stress emergency but these are things are not a reality for me. I have already put weed smoking into the deep compulsive areas of my brain. What I have done for brain shaping is once in compulsive area in your brain you will never use socially again. My prefrontal cortex is literally turned off when I come into contact with weed. I am not able to rationalize it bc my rationality part of the brain is turned off. Not because of a disease but rather my fault as doing it so repeatedly it forever altered my ability to go back and unwire it. My choice does come in to not do it in the first place or abstain. And have acceptance that I will always have to abstain if I am part of the grown up world and workforce. I still stand by using in retirement but I will have to know it will be all day every day. Hannah can't smoke a joint at a party, or a little when I'm stressed, or only on weekends, or only at night. REMEMBER IT TOOK YOU ONE GRAM TO START ACTING CRACKHEAD-ISH TOWARD WEED. YOUR MODERATION CENTER OF YOUR BRAIN IS FUCKED. But this isn't necessarily true for other substances. I can drink in moderation, I can exercise in moderation, I can diet in moderation, I could go to the casino. As long as I am cognisent about not letting it become compulsive. I don't believe an addict has to stay away from everything, just drug/drugs of choice. I just think we need to be very cautious when that is sliding into compulsive behavior or simply when your doing it too much or mindlessly. Idk how to address it at SMART recovery. Or even to address it at all at least at this time. As long as I can stop now and pick up the pieces.

The other piece of my life that is fucked up is men, my boundaries, my attention seeking behaviors, my need to do self work but still longing to get a connection. And while we're on this how to I stay happy after the new wears off. How do I feel pride in my interactions with men as a single woman?

I see my therapist tomorrow. I have set 5 clear boundaries that is my start toward loving myself.

1. No weed. No weed friends for a while. Accepting that I can not use occasionally and that yes it is only weed but it instantly become problematic in my life.

2. Less Selfies/No provocative selfies/No booty pictures to anyone that's not a committed boyfriend. ... This is about having respect for myself, being proud of my decisions and attracting the right kind of man.

3. All dates in public for the first several dates..have to make me a priority before we date seriously. Not ignoring red flags. My time is limited if our schedules never cross then I guess your not making time. Yes you better offer to at least pay for yours. Picking me up is a nice perk. We aren't hiding from anyone. No you can't come back to my house and chill. No secret dating. Better be making an effort on the messenger or calls. I will not be the one hitting you up first every time.

4. No new sex partners until I am ready to commit to a serious relationship.

5. Less disclosure to less people. Chill on the facebook stuff. Back to attention seeking which I need to chill on while I work on myself.

Anyway. That is my path to bring myself back to reality.