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I wonder why I do the things I do.

I wonder what keeps you here too.

My body aches daily,

my heart drips in pain and still..

my brain doesn’t stop thinking.

I fight it off, I yell at myself and I yell at the demons.

I yell out all the positive, good, and happy things

that are happening through out my life.

Every. Time.

Because if I don’t, then I’m stuck in my head and I’m really sad and really about to freak out because I can’t handle keeping things inside when I’m that upset.

Ugh.. yeah.

I smile even though I’m praying every night,

I laugh even when I’m burning down inside...

wondering if you even feel me how I feel you still.

I ain’t fooling anyone.

I love you hard and deeply, everyone in this world will know that and I don’t give a damn who judges me.

People make mistakes. I have made plenty of em and so have you, and so have they. Who is anyone to say who is for someone? Because no one can judge another. It’s not right to judge.

Time, just time, now time is just all I’m waiting on.

And, for you. I will wait for you.

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gay💦irl

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Have you ever looked at someone while they’re doing something small like driving or laughing or eating and just smile bc you like them so much

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A quality guy will never make you wonder where you two stand. He'll chase you and he'll let you know. He'll want you and he'll let it openly show.

source: withthoseangeleyes

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i wanna get drunk and kiss a lot and not think for a while

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pay attention to who actually takes your feelings into consideration

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"3 Words, 8 Letters Say.

It & I'm yours."

"I love you. Saying it was hard, but I did and I've never looked back."

-Chuck and Blair, Gossip Girl ❤

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Suck it

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Part 2.

I don’t know what made me want to do that there. This rush came over me. I felt safe there. These people... they were very weird. Definitely all I’m awkward positions of human life and finding their true selves. I’m sure I even looked weird. I just.. I don’t know. I know I had conversations with my ex-friend about being transgender and what it means and what happens... etc. but never did I ever admit to him that I was trans, never did I think I was. I went to that meeting and I came out to that entire group, and to the love of my life, and to my sister. I felt good. I felt like I had answers. I felt confirmed and I felt safe and not judged and I felt like the people around me due to their lives- they would understand and help me feel better about coming out and being trans. I wasn’t thinking about anyone else except for what the hell was going on with me. Why the hell I felt the way I did. I admit... I was so terrified to even talk to my girlfriend about it. I know I said little things and maybe during sex I would try to be more manly, in reality I would try to be more manly too - I know I dressed manly and I tried to be “mocho” lol but I wasn’t. I tried to be more but I just never felt like I could talk about my true insides bc I was truly full of anxiety and stress and nonsense of negativity because I just felt so ashamed of myself. I didn’t want to give her any reasons to want to leave me. I didn’t want to add to why she would want to leave. I felt like she and I already had so many downfalls and i just didn’t wanna keep adding to them. Little did I know I was going about things all wrong. I know better now. But aside from that - I still did what I did and she still accepted me and she stayed by my side through it all. She is an angel. She’s truly amazing and I’m so fucking thankful for her. She helped me with my shots, my appointments, my bullshit, all my stress and chaos. She really went through so much with me. We both have. Changing mentally and physically... trying to change the way you think as well to be healthier and to be positive about yourself throughout a transition - it’s so difficult. To know it takes so much patience and time to get to that specific time period where I wanna be... for myself to be that person for her, the love of my life, to be able to be what I have always envisioned myself as... it is so hard. It was so hard. I did not go about anything the right way. I know a lot of baggage that I always just pushed away and hid under the rug - oh throughout my transition that baggage came out and it was no longer hidden. Haha truly changed, for the better. I am still changing. I am learning how to be the man I want to be. I’m changing my negative mindset to be positive and to remind myself that it will be what it is supposed to be. Everything happens for a reason. Truly... and I am so blessed to be able to have what I have. I know many people don’t have the ability to start their process, or to continue their process. Everything will get better. I am finally have my top surgery, three years later... August 13th, 2020. That day will change everything for me. That day is everything. The most important person I want there by my side is the love of my life. I wouldn’t be who I am today without her. I wouldn’t even be able to imagine my life without her. Whether we are together or not, I am absolutely crazy about that woman and I wouldn’t ever change my story. I am so blessed and I am so thankful for everything in my life. I know I have gone through some shit with my transition... like some shit. But I have learned. I am better. I am a better man now and I will be a even better man tomorrow! I am honored to be where I am today. I am proud of my past. I am proud of my now. And I am aiming for a bright successful future. Happy Trans Day Of Visibility. I am trans, I may not announce that often (only because I wanna be known as a man) and as my days go on and on... through my three years - I am becoming more and more me and more comfortable with stating I am a proud trans man. I am proud of what I have done!

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Part 1.

Today marks three years since I came out as Transgender. Growing up, all I wanted was to be the person I felt I was on the inside.. but the outside was this beautiful girl that everyone felt was so happy. I was never happy. As a child I was one of the rougher looking kids who played in dirt, road bikes in the mud and up ramps, skateboarded, played all the boy sports and tried to fit in with the boys. I remember always playing and asking to get the boy Barbies it Bratz dolls. None of that ever seemed to phase anyone though. Growing up into my late teenage years was rough. Technology was more involved and I became involved with Catfishing people through the internet and disguising myself as a guy. As I was doing that I was also trying to live my life as a girl. What I felt like I should be doing. I was living a double life. One life through my cell phone and computer, and another in the real world. I tried to date guys. I tried to wear dresses, tight shirts, I tried to make my boobs look good and to make myself feel pretty... I tried to get my nails done and enjoy doing hair.. I even always did my makeup. But one day I said fuck it and I dropped my “second life” and I finally began just experimenting with clothes and dressing more masculine. Then through my beginning years of college I met more and more people who opened my eyes up to new things. I had quite a bit of friends in the beginning of my college experience. I was likeable and I always wanted everyone to be friends with the people who I knew. So I was always networking through people and keeping myself busy. Was I happy with my own body and skin? No. Did I tell people? Lol no. I wasn’t even sure how I could even ever be a man, especially since my body is just a woman.. I felt that everything about me screamed woman. My body, my voice, my posture, my walk. So I began to feel myself more - dress different, buy clothes in the men sections, wear hats, I wore less make up but did it differently and made it look me, I wore cologne and used men body products, and I even began to change my walk.. and the way I spoke. I tried to be more myself instead of living my life for other people’s comfort. I just wanted to be more comfortable with who I was. Once I did that... I finally felt okay but I still felt awkward and out of place still. I had lots of girls who liked me and I was about it. I love any type of attention (just like any other person in the world) and that attention at the time just made me feel more and more confident and it built up my ego. After some time passed by, I finally was with the girl of my dreams. Still not truly understanding my own body or head (I felt there wasn’t any answers to that and I just had to live the way I was living). I was head over heels for this girl and she was finally mine and actually wanted to be with me and it felt so right. She made all my worries go away. She truly made me so happy. After some countless headaches with finding who I was, cutting off my hair was something I felt I should do considering it was alwayssss something I hated... my girlfriend did the honor and I had her unconditional love and support all by my side. I did it. My hair was off and I did not know how to feel about it, at all... I felt like once I would chop off this hair omg all my wishes will come true haha and well no I looked in the mirror and I saw how skinny my face looked, how womanly I was, how pale and how weird my hairline was and how I would never be fit or strong looking... how I would never be this peels on I want to be, who I want to be for myself and for the woman I’m so in love with. I always took my anger out in the wrong ways because I was just so frustrated with myself and how I didn’t know what I wanted or how to be what I wanted. Through time I did it, I came out... with countless talks with my old-ex-friend. They helped me. They were transgender themselves. Most definitely did not come out in a positive way though... I came out at a transgender LGBTQ meeting that my ex-friend was apart of. I don’t know why I came out there.

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the most beautiful views in the world:

1.you

2.city ​​at night

3.sunsets

4.oceans

5.starry sky

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“He’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if he can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and if he admits to being human and making mistakes, hold onto him and give him the most you can. He isn’t going to quote poetry, he’s not thinking about you every moment, but he will give you a part of him that he knows you could break. Don’t hurt him, don’t change him, and don’t expect for more than he can give. Don’t analyze. Smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, and miss him when he’s not there. Love hard when there is love to be had. Because perfect guys don’t exist, but there’s always one guy that is perfect for you.”

— Bob Marley (via permeate)

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Always horny lol