countingstarschasingcars

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Turns out everyone else Didn’t try to kill themselves at 12 years old.

So that’s

fun

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my friends are my twins friends and the only reason they hangout with me is cause they have known me for so long but they really just like her more. she is the main friend in the group and by extension I am a main friend because we go places together. they don't think of me when they aren't with me. on our birthday they will always wish her a happy birthday first, when they invite us places they will text her. i am just a bonus friend for them. but I don't get talked shit about because everyone outside my friend group says I am one of the nicest in the group and my twin will say shit about me (as I will her) but won't let others. its nice having a constant best friend in my twin but I always wish I was someone else's first choice for a friend

[countingstarschasingcars]

Hot girl movies

Movies i’d usually gate-keep about addiction, growing up, being a teenage girl, music, the 2000s and late 90s, femininity, mental illness, etc. (you might actually not have heard about some of these.) (some of these r pretty popular I know!!)

Blue Car (2002)

White Oleandor (2002)

Speak (2004)

Firefox (1996)

Kids (1995)

Palo Alto (2013)

Heathers (1989)

Augusta Gone (2006)

Hard Candy (2005)

American Beauty (1999)

Lords of Dogtown (2005)

Ghost world (2001)

Trainspotting (1996)

Juno (2007)

Thirteen (2003)

The Virgin suicides (1999)

Buffalo ‘66 (1998)

Gone Girl (2014)

Girl interrupted (1999)

Black Swan (2010)

Mid90s (2018)

Whip It (2009)

Lady bird (2017)

The Perks Of Being A Wallflower (2012)

Normal Adolescent Behaviour (2007)

Blue Valentine (2010)

Crazy Beautiful (2001)

Its a funny kind of story (2010)

Slums Of Beverly Hills (1998)

Anywhere But Here (1999)

Adventure Land (2009)

Save The Last Dance (2001)

Garden State (2004)

Rules Of Attraction (2002)

Promising Young Woman (2020)

Requiem Of A Dream (2000)

Gia (1998)

Candy (2006)

Beautiful Boy (2018)

Almost Famous (2000)

The Basketball Diaries (1995)

The Craft (1996)

The Diary Of A Teenage Girl (2015)

But I’m A Cheerleader (1999)

Boyhood (2014)

Spun (2002)

Red Road (2006)

The Piano Teacher (2001)

Bulbbul (2020)

Sucker Punch (2011)

Ginger Snaps (2000)

Helter-Skelter (2012)

Cruel Intentions (1999)

I, TONYA (2018)

Amelie (2001)

Daisies (1966)

Perfect Blue (1997)

Prozac Nation (2001)

Whatever Happened To Baby Jane? (1962)

Leon (1994)

Valley Of The Dolls (1967)

The Crush (1993)

Carrie (1976)

10 Things I Hate About You (1999)

If anyone actually sees this and likes it I’d be more than happy to make a part 2. This took me awhile lol. I know some of these are a little basic but I tried to have a strong mix of well-known and lesser plus romance, comedy, psychological thrillers, cheesy etc. Its very broad so there’s something for everyone and hopefully something new for someone.

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i have no object permanence about myself. if i’m not in anyones eye sight i assume i have ceased to be. finding out people remember i exist, think about me, and even talk about me when i’m not actively in front of them is startling news every time it is brought to my attention

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no thinspo will ever beat my family making fat 'jokes'

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Vent poetry I wrote earlier. Sums up my mood pretty succinctly. TW for mentions of abuse, rape, dissociation, unreality, and suicide/homicide. If Moon Knight is a trigger for you, I do mention it here. Not nicely either, so be aware of that. I know tumblr is going to yoink the quality of the image, so click for better quality. Image ID will be below.

[Image ID: Black text over a white background. It is a poem. /.END ID]

[Text ID:

walking freak show.

I woke up last night and felt a heart that wasn’t mine. Beating out of my chest. Blood circulating through veins I don’t recognize. Recovery is horror. The process of healing tends to reveal previously unknown levels of damage. They tell me that I need to do shadow work, I need to heal my inner child. I want to give my inner children a gun. To fully heal, someone would have to die. I’m not specifying who. I try to lay back down but my mind only fixates on the fact that I’m more comfortable being used than I am being loved.

I AM AMAZING. I HATE MYSELF. I AM NOT REAL. I AM AMAZING. I HATE MYSELF. I AM NOT REAL. I AM AMAZING. I HATE MYSELF. I AM NOT REAL. I AM AMAZING. I HATE MYSELF. I AM NOT REAL. I AM AMAZING. I HATE MYSELF. I AM NOT REAL. I AM AMAZING. I HATE MYSELF. I AM NOT REAL.

I grew claws and fangs to keep myself safe. Now that I am safe they won’t go away. I keep cutting myself on their sharp edges. I don’t need these defenses anymore but my brain doesn’t know how to shut them off. I close my eyes and I’m paralyzed. A flash of white and I feel sick. The true DID experience is never living your life at any moment. So many witnesses but I barely know what they look like. I saw my reflection and I knew it wasn’t me. I posted to my friends about my trauma and someone told me to get raped to death.

TELL ME WHERE TO PUT THE ANGER. TELL ME WHERE TO PUT THE ANGER. TELL ME WHERE TO PUT THE ANGER. TELL ME WHERE TO PUT THE ANGER. TELL ME WHERE TO PUT THE ANGER. TELL ME WHERE TO PUT THE ANGER.

If there is a god, he will have to beg for my forgiveness.

I draw gore so I don’t hurt myself. Do my unhealthy coping mechanisms turn you on? Wait, am I supposed to feel something? Cut open my sternum and pull. Maybe you’ll finally see my heart. You know, it takes a monster to destroy a monster. You made me this way, why are you so surprised?

I CAN’T REMEMBER. I CAN’T FORGET. I CAN’T REMEMBER. I CAN’T FORGET. I CAN’T REMEMBER. I CAN’T FORGET. I CAN’T REMEMBER. I CAN’T FORGET. I CAN’T REMEMBER. I CAN’T FORGET. I CAN’T REMEMBER. I CAN’T FORGET. I CAN’T REMEMBER. I CAN’T FORGET. I CAN’T REMEMBER. I CAN’T FORGET.

My name changes daily, I don’t know who I am. Sometimes I know how to drive and sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I wanna die and sometimes I don’t. I see my wife and I don’t love her anymore. Oh wait, now I do. I am so many and yet I am one, a wolf pack, a team. What is most dangerous to wolves? Humans.

DON’T CRY. DON’T CRY. DON’T FUCKING CRY.

I can’t sleep most nights and all I can think about is you. I fucking hate you. I want to kill myself when I remember your face. Your laugh. Your bare-toothed grin. I say I’m getting better, but am I really? Or am I just blind to my pain every time I go into therapy? I am scared I’m making this up, but how can I be? I’m just a walking freakshow. When people find out I’m more than one they smile and nod. “Like in Split?” they ask. “What’s your trauma?” they ask. “Is it like Moon Knight? I love that show! DID is like a superpower then?” they say. I sigh. I am hurting and feeling like I’m sitting on death row daily, and it’s a game to them. A funny quirk. I’m so tired of it. So so tired.

I DON’T WANT TO BE A FUCKING TRAGEDY.

/.END ID]

That was probably not how to write an image or text ID description but I tried.

If there’s a TW I missed just lmk and I’ll add it. Thanks. Reblogs okay and encouraged.

-Jules & James

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It’s not even my weight that’s what I worry about. I know weight fluctuates and I also don’t really trust the scales at home cause they are old. It’s the presentation of my body. The way others can view it. No one can look at me and see my weight, but they can look at me and see my stomach or thighs. Reducing my weight is just a bonus on my goal of physically become smaller.

[countingstarschasingcars]

they’re minor inconveniences to you, to me they’re world-ending tragedies

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Being popular on tumblr is like being popular in the psychiatric

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God I’ve never been so happy before that my family isn’t really into Easter and getting chocolates and big dinners. Besides hot cross buns, only have to deal with a family dinner tonight and takeaway at basketball tomorrow.

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Thought my mum was getting suspicious about my ed cause she kept mentioning that I haven’t been eating much etc, then I realised she thinks my lack of eating is cause of my mental health issues. So win for me I guess

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No offence but almost every “trans boy” or ”non-binary” female I’ve ever known has just been blatantly anorexic and presented their symptoms in the exact same way anorexic teenage girls always have. Binding isn’t new, teenage girls saying they want to “have a body like a boy” when they’re struggling with adapting to their pubescent body’s new wider hips and weight gain etc. is not new, it’s been a thing among anorexics and those with body image issues forever so why are we suddenly diagnosing girls who have obvious eating disorders as being hecking valid trans boys wit gender dysphoria instead of helping them with their obvious body image and eating issues. Me and my friends all used to say we wanted a boy’s body all the time and what we actually meant is that we wanted to be thin and shapeless. There has been a 4000% increase in girls being referred to gender identity clinics in the UK where they’re all being given “gender affirming care” instead of dealing with the roots of the issues. We’re failing teenage girls so much n it rly upsets me

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waking up to stars on the ceiling and bruises on pale skin and battered feet on & off the scale and almonds in ziploc baggies and bite marks on fingers and hair down the drain and measuring crunches by the spots left on the spine and enough water to drown organs and eating an apple with a knife and fork and battered feet on & off the scale and desperate hands clutching ribs and standing up & the world goes dark and carrying an emergency rice cake in a purse for weak spells and enough green tea to drown organs and how many calories in toothpaste and whatever nail polish color covers yellow and battered feet on & off the scale and is today the day my heart gives out and how many calories do you burn when you sneeze and pillows squeezed between thighs and waking up in a new body everyday and fingers clasped around wrists and notebooks filled with numbers and purple crescents below the eyes and accidentally knocking your elbow on your hip bone and being afraid of your own reflection and i’m not hungry and i already ate and oxygen that tastes like splenda and battered feet on & off the scale

[countingstarschasingcars]

TW: SH

When I first told my sister I was cutting she said it was bad thing to do and she felt sad now and that I should tell mum. My mums first words to me after I told her I was cutting myself was that I was breaking her heart. My dad came to talk to me that night and told me that he doesn’t want to have to worry about me like that, so if i need help I should tell people. Neither of them mentioned cutting or self harm like it was a taboo word. The first person who said the words to me my doctor who asked it it was cutting that I was doing. It’s very invalidating that until I saw a doctor the only things I was getting told was, indirectly but that doesn’t matter, that my cutting myself was affecting others negatively. It was my fault I made my sister sad, my fault I was breaking my mums heart, my fault for making my dad have to worry about me. 

I know they don’t mean to place the blame on me, but it’s a difficult thing to admit to doing and the last feeling I needed to feel about it was ashamed and guilty. I regretted telling them, felt I should have kept it secret and honestly I probably still would but I forget they know. It’s never mentioned, it’s been months since they found out and no one has said a word about it or even implying towards it, besides the occasional doctor visits about mental health. Ive been told that mum was suspecting it, and asked twice if ‘I need anything because there is nothing we cant fix’. I was already seeing a phycologist due to my penchant for panic attacks which was also a hard thing to admit to my mum and something we don’t mention.

I have an older brother who mum and dad are ready to have out of the house, often involving screaming fights and swearing. It is very uncomfortable to be in that environment and then go to those people to admit that I struggle with mental health even though I know they love me, I cannot help but resent them a lot of the time, and admittedly view them as a bit like a bank, someone who just pays for my stuff.

I have told two friends of my cutting, one of them saying they also struggled with it, but i refuse to tell my other friend group as one has made comments about self harm cuts on my arms year ago asking if they were cuts that people do for attention, and I know her views have not changed. A few different people know I have seen a doctor and psychiatrist for mental health but I am terrified of what two specific friends would do. One would make stupid comments and view me as weird and make fun of it or tell random people, the other would get really personal and try to hug me, cry and be the type to ask me to stop for them.

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I know this is kinda rude(insensitive?) but

Just because I’m skinner than you does not mean I feel comfortable in my own body or see myself as thin.

And just because I feel fat does not mean I see you as fat if you’re bigger than me

I love everyone and everyone should feel happy in their own skin even if I don’t get to

I said what I said

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A part of suicidal ideation or self harm no one talks about is the numbness to the subject that comes with it. I sit and scroll through pages and pages of cries for help, suicide notes and plans and feel nothing. No worry, no concern, no crushing feeling in my chest. Nothing. Those familiar feelings are now replaced with a strange familiarity, a kind of comfort that it’s not just me.

Fuck. When did it get to this