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cowboyjunkiesz

Fühlt sich an wie der Himmel

kon | 25 | sagittarius

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cowboyjunkiesz · 5 days

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___________________________

I would have imagined a much nicer day to do this on, or impulsively on a particularly depression winter day. I simply am not made for this world. As dramatic as this may sound, it has always been against me in some form or another. I have made it 25 total years with half of them feeling miserable and undeserving. I don’t know what I did to have the cards stacked against me so badly but I am finally at my limit. I want it known despite multiple - serious or not - various self harming acts that I have still tried to persevere despite it all. Sometimes it has been lovely and happy and fun, but whatever rotten part inside of me is in there would always find a way to ruin in and make it terrible. I know I could continue on, and things would maybe feel happy and fun again at a point, but the horrible cycle would still inevitably repeat itself. I will admit I am scared to do this act. I know if it succeeds there won’t just be another 3 days stay in the hospital with an IV bag. But someone who feels things as heavily and intensely as I do, this is the only way to have it stop for good. I don’t want to continue to ruin things and push people away because I cannot figure out how to get the rotten evil part out of me fast enough. Even if it was out, it wouldn’t matter. It would still be too late for it to matter.

I want it clear this is no one’s fault but my own. I am the only one to blame for this. It’s better this way in the long run anyways. For everyone.

I don’t have really anything to leave to anyone. My mom can have my Stevie nicks items, my dad can have all my music related items, the rest can be divided up and chosen by anyone who wants whatever I guess.

For funeral requests:

Probably closed casket. I don’t think I would like the angle I’m at in there. I never really did ever pick if I wanted to be cremated or not, I think I like the idea of just being in the ground with the earth. I would like to have my blue eyeshadow on and lip liner how I usually do, and I would like to be buried with my Stevie nicks barbie. For any music, a quiet version of crocketts theme on repeat would be calming and relaxing. It always was for me.

I don’t want anyone to miss me, as at this point as I write this, I don’t think I would miss anyone. Not to be mean, I just cannot feel any other emotion other than void. Tv static.

It can be a small funeral. Nothing flashy and nothing special. Just whatever you feel needs to be done. I would also like the news of this to be quiet, it doesn’t need to be anything big. It does not matter that much I promise.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading it all. I cannot think of anything else to say right now other than I am so sorry to whoever finds me. Genuinely I am sorry, I hope it isn’t too bad.

From, Emi/Kon (whichever you knew me as)

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cowboyjunkiesz · 15 days

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The child version of myself would be so sad and disappointed at the current version of myself

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cowboyjunkiesz · 1 month

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