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we are not meant to be

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down and under

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i don’t know how to phrase this, so i guess i’ll just say it based on what i think at the top of my head, so it’s authentic 

this whole week has been so taxing on me...... i don’t know what i’m doing anymore. i seriously don’t know the objective of my campaign... people are telling me what to do left and right and it’s not that i don’t want to hear their advice, i’m just afraid that their advice will outweigh my own opinions... i don’t want to ever be anything that’s not me... i’ve been me for so long and for some reason, this election more than ever has stripped that from me. 

i don’t have the energy to keep up with the constant distractions and problems that keep arising. it seems that at every corner, there’s always nothing left. i know i shouldn’t give up this easily but it’s hard to stay motivated when it seems like nobody wants you to win. 

the problem is, my closest friends are all jake’s closest friends as well. he’s an incredibly good candidate and he knows when to keep his mouth shut, but sometimes i feel that he doesn’t speak up when he has to. i know he wants this job, but so do i and i know i should feel so bad for saying that about somebody who would die for me but i know that i’ve spent so much time and effort on this organization and all it’s really led to is frustation. i talk about how this organization has changed my life so often and how it helps me to be a better person but deep down, the past few months have been nothing but resentment towards the organization for me. scratch that, the past few years. i hate that i spend so much of my energy into this organization and now i want to lead it because i think i can really change it but i know my vision isn’t as good as jake’s because he’s more calm and collected and smart and kind and he has actual other friends that will vote for him that i don’t have connections to. i quit everything i loved so that i could spend more time into this organization and now i want to quit it. that’s so stupid i’m so stupid i’m so stupid i’m so stupid, i’ll say it over and over again until it’s drilled into my head. 

he wants asb to be a happy family and he knows how to be the bridge between administration and the students but the fact of the matter is, asb sucks right now and nobody is brave enough to say anything but me, shouts out to zeana and mariam and ashley and natalie and caitlyn for teaching me to never fucking stop complaining if you know the student body hates it, but i don’t know why the rest of asb never says anything whenever i make a valid point. people always look the other way when i talk because they don’t want to really agree with me, they want to agree with the advisors so that they are seen better. i can’t believe that this is happening, i have so much self doubt that my self esteem has plummeted beyond any point i’ve ever reached. i can’t believe it. it’s all just wild to me and i know that i can speak up and i can speak for the people at school but what good does that belief serve when i don’t even have an equal opportunity to campaign. it’s incredibly unfair and it shouldn’t have played out this way. 

i know the advisors hate me i know they hate me i know they hate me and they’ve probably spoken between themselves that they don’t want me to be president. i didn’t want to believe that they were trying to purposefully pit against me but now there are just so many factors that i can’t help but believe it. there are so many things that are wrong and it’s all because this shitty fucking advisor didn’t submit her remarks to me on time and now i don’t know what to do. fuck asb fuck asb i’;m so fucking tired of this shitty organization even though i’ve spent hours and hours working towards the better of the campus and i’ve gotten no recognition for anything, i never get the same rewards as the other asb members, they get shout outs because their actions are recognized, my actions are not publically shown, i don’t have any of my own events but i help with each and every single one as much as i can, yet this shitty advisor’s fucking bias against me has brought me down every single time and i’m not recognized. i’m not asking to be heralded as a hero or to have my own throne, i just want to be recognized for the hard work that i’ve put in every once in a while because i put in so much work that i’m almost addicted to the grind, is this not ok? i just want to be accepted for what i’ve done, i want an advisor to tell me that they’re proud of me instead of that they’re disappointed. i want to be happy i want to be happy i want to be proud of what i’ve done, i can’t get it done i’m so sorry to all of the people that were supposed to support me. i don’t think i can continue... maybe i am better off solo. maybe i was never meant to be that much of a leader. maybe i don’t really have any worth.. maybe i’m not a hero and i’m just comic relief. fuck all of these shitty insecurities i’m so tired tonight and none of this is helping my health. i give up... i don’t want to publicize myself anymore... i accept the fact that i lost. i give up. i give up. i give up. i’m sorry mom and dad i’m sorry my brother who even tho he claims he hates me, probably looks up to me, i’m sorry close friends who can’t admit that they support me because they’re close to jake too... i’m sorry God for wasting this life that you tried to give into this world because he’s a little bit too emotional and a little bit too idiosyncratic, because he thinks a little bit differently so he never gets his english analysis right or his apush synthesis right... sorry for not being as smart as jake or as powerful as brisa... let’s be fucking honest brisa would be a terrible asb president, the shit her friends are saying about her being hardworking is making me want to throw up... i’;m sorry i’m sorry i’m sorry i’m so sad right now and i don’t know what’s going to happen..... all of my self doubt comes together... why is that i feel like every single time i walk into the asb room, there’s a red dot on my back and the advisors are fighting over who gets to take the shot...... please help me God.... i can’t do it anymore... i’;m sorry i’m so sorry i worked this hard for nothing. 

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feeling incredibly under the weather. it’s funny how everything can all just come crashing at once. call me overdramatic, call me a million things. but i know what i really am 

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i don’t playyyyyyyyyyy i don’t make time 

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Did you miss us?

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If there is any substitute for love, it is memory.

Joseph Brodsky (via quotemadness)

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Fire at the abandoned Schenuit Rubber factory

Union Ave, Woodberry, Baltimore, Md

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in the end of time

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being rich would be so much fun, like aside from the obvious stuff, can you imagine going to a restaurant and being able to give your waiter/waitress a $500 tip for like a $40 meal? you could make people’s months without even trying

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