cravingsweetescape

[cravingsweetescape]

TWENTY ONE PILOTS LIVESTREAM EXPERIENCE SETLIST

[cravingsweetescape]

January 9, 2025

Ohhhh girly pop. I wish I can talk to myself from 10 years ago, because unfortunately enough, I was so profound and my intuition was right on the mark. Yes, your grandmother did die. No, your dad did not walk you down the aisle and that sucks. But you are married and have two nephews and a niece now that Mandy gave you. You tried a semester of college again for your bachelor's but it sent you into your most depressive state that you've ever experienced and it nearly killed you. So soon you are going to try for a family.

You're still trying to find your purpose. You listen to Twenty One Pilots A LOT and you only recently had gotten into their music. You saw them live 14 times you little psycho.

You currently have 8 cats, 1 dog (Sox died RIP :(), a bearded dragon and a conure. You're back at working at Fleischer, Fleischer & Suglia and it makes me feel like I regressed. Now that I'm not going to do law school, what am I going to do? I wish I could go back in time and pursued teaching. My mom always said I would be a great teacher and she's so right. I'm just not at a point in my life where I can go back to school.

In ten years time, I hope to be still married and hopefully happy in that marriage. I hope to be a mother. It's weird to think I don't know about my future children, but I think of them all the time. I don't know them but I feel like I do know them. My intuition is stronger than I realize. Are TOP still making music? They better be. They're approaching 50 at this point which is… a crazy thought. At this point, I'll be approaching 40 so who am I kidding. I'll be old too.

I think a lot and I think that means something. Does that make sense? Sometimes I think I'm close to having some sort of revelation, or I've already had one and I'm in denial. These are cryptic, I know this. They have to be for my own sanity. I really am beginning to care about things that have meaning. The thought and the vision behind these meaningful things are eye opening. I feel like my purpose was meant for something along those lines, but I just don't know what. Tyler always says to create something and it may help you find your purpose, but not everybody is talented like Tyler. I don't have skills or talent like that. I think I had potential and I wasted it. A flightless bird who had beautiful wings but instead chose to walk on the ground. I was really smart. I loved school. I did want to go back, but I couldn't at the time because I couldn't afford it. Could I have done things differently? I think life was supposed to turn out this way but WHY? What does it mean? What is it leading me to? What is my purpose? I feel as though a lot of women find their purpose in being a mom. But there are so many mothers in the world. There's no way that is everyone's purpose. I feel like I should have started thinking about my purpose a long time ago, but I thought I had time. I thought it would just happen. I listened to these songs but I didn't LISTEN, and now I am and I feel like it's too late. Tyler had these thoughts so young, which is incredibly profound but it gave him so much time to think and find his purpose. I feel like it's too late for me and I'm only 28.

I do have to pat myself on tbe back though. With all the emotional turmoil I have always felt, I have never turned to drugs or alcohol as a vice. It's actually made me want to stay away from it more. I'm having a difficult time right now with something so stupid. I really enjoy Twenty One Pilots music, because I relate to it so much and I feel like I relate to a lot of the things Tyler is trying to say or portray. However, I've recently become aware that some of his songs may or may not be about addiction, particularly around substance abuse. I don't know why that effects me but it does. One, it makes me terribly sad for him. The shame and alluding to disappointing people makes a lot more sense in this context. But it also makes me feel like I may not know what he's thinking after all. Maybe I do not relate to him after all. And that makes me feel alone. It's weird but I took pride in thinking that both Tyler and I related on the fact that despite how bad the depression and anxiety got, intoxication was not on the table. But it seems like MAYBE it was for him. And now I'm looking at all these songs that I had my own interpretation of, and seeing it now in a different perspective feels like it's taking that comfort away from me. Now, I really don't know anything. idk i am UNWELL. I have gotten no work done at work today and it's 11 AM because I've been so fixated and stressed about this.

[cravingsweetescape]

April 4, 2015

So, Easter���s Eve is just about to finish. I spent my day watching Smallville. And then I went to WalMart and my mom mentioned that nobody is getting a basket this year. I’m not upset because I’m not getting candy. I’m upset that Mandy has been getting a basket for twenty something years and I only get 18 years. Figures. Everyone gets to grow up slowly but I have to grow up fast. And I’m just upset because everything is changing. My mom just doesn’t care anymore. Nobody does. Easter used to be my favorite holiday but not anymore. I have to work tomorrow too so I’m missing everything. And I just feel left out of everything and I feel so fat. I don’t know how I have a boyfriend. I’m so fat I can barely stand myself. Nick called to see what was wrong but I said nothing. It’s hard to explain it in a way someone would understand. I’ll just be acting either childish or ungrateful. I feel like my mom hates me sometimes or just doesn’t care. She has no motivation for anything regarding me. And now I’m crying. I want to just be alone and cry. I wanna disappear and not exist. I haven’t seen Nick in a week now. He won’t miss me. Nobody will. I just need to sleep this off. Goodnight and Happy Easter I guess.

[cravingsweetescape]

January 9, 2015

So I haven't been keeping up with this. Whoops. Well, the year is now 2015, I finished my first semester of college and i have a boyfriend named Nick who I've been officially dating for two months. Classes start for me January 20th so I'm enjoying my break now while i have it. I work at Petsmart now and I really like it there and everyone who works there is great. Juliana just came over to visit for a week and she just went through a break up with Pablo. And the last season premiere of Glee comes on tonight and I'm making Nick watch it. I'm starting to become more comfortable with my body which is really weird for me to say. I'm still not 100% but I'm a little better than what I was. Progress has been made lol.

And here's another thing that I thought I would never say: I actually don't mind One Direction. Although this is mostly because Zayn is hot af and Harry ain't too bad on the eyes either. idk what else to write but yeah, things are going swell.

[cravingsweetescape]

September 14, 2014

It's 3:13 AM and I thought now would be the perfect time for an update. Well, I just started my first semester in college about a week and a half ago and it sure is different than high school. But I'm really happy because every Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, I get to see Nick. I've only started texting him but he's really sweet. He convinced me to do MMA which will be interesting. BUT, considering now I have someone to impress, I want to get in shape.

So, I started zumba yesterday. And I want to stick with it. By the end of the semester, i will be soooo ripped and if it doesn't work out with Nick, I can find someone else that will distract me from the sorrow lmao. No, but really, Nick is so generous and he's cute and has an amazing body so that definitely helps. He basically shared with me his life story which was interesting. He's an interesting guy. I'm just nervous because we don't have much in common. Opposites do not attract. But hey, it might work.

Lmao because I'm talking as if we're already together. We may never be together but I hope that we eventually do get together. 

[cravingsweetescape]

August 16, 2014

Okay, I'm gonna say it. I want a boyfriend. Well, I guess just maybe a boy as a friend. Or well, no. I want a boyfriend. I want someone who will compliment me and say I'm adorable and just someone to talk to and cuddle with and comfort and be comforted. I want that. However, I do not want the sexual part. Just because I feel like having myself be that vulnerable to someone will be fucking terrifying. And I don't want my body to gross them out. I don't want to lose something just because of sex. Of course I want the experience of sex but it's scary. I want the pleasure and the trust but I feel like I'll never achieve that with someone? Ten years from now, I'm gonna look at this post and I'm either gonna laugh at it or cry about it.

I'll laugh at it because I found someone who I love, who I have sex with, who I have all these things with, and hey, maybe I'll even be engaged or married by that time. It's a crazy thought to think about but that's because I'm eighteen, about to start college and don't really know what it's like to be 'grown up'.

I'll cry at it because maybe I won't have anyone. I'd still be single and shy. Perhaps not a virgin, but perhaps one. I don't know what my life will be like. I want it to be happy and good but how can I be so sure it will turn out that way? In ten years time, Landon will be turning 11, Mandy will be in her thirties, Bobby will be turning 17 and Billy will be turning 13. My mom and dad are hopefully still alive and healthy by then. I just hope that in ten years time that my grandmom is still alive. She would be in her eighties. It's a scary thought, knowing that time is all you have until the inevitable happens. It's terrifying knowing that this time in ten years, the people close to you could be dead.

What I really fear is them not being around when I'm getting married or when I have a baby or just those important life goals that everyone has. I want my dad to walk me down the isle.

We have no idea where life is gonna take us. It's our decisions that lead the way but it's scary because you know that every decision has an impact. Which one is the right one? Which one will make me the happiest? It's a scary thought and I'm not sure if I'm ready. I got so off topic but good thing nobody can read this.

[cravingsweetescape]

August 8, 2014.

So, I just came home from a movie night with the girls. Chelsea, Skylar, Christina, Celina, Andie, Noelle, Renee, Rachael, Adrianna, Lexi, Lexi Stouch and.... I think that covers it all that was there. Becky wasn't there of course. I'm not surprised. She's too busy with dumb ass Collin. They're only going to break up. How has Becky had several boyfriends and I've had none? I don't understand. I know it's really egotistical to say but I genuinely try and Becky doesn't. I'm losing hope. I mean, I start college in a month and maybe that will be when someone finds interest in me. Hopefully. I hate Gabe now because he has his girlfriend now and dropped me like I was nothing. But I guess it's whatever. I tried to show my interest but I think I scared him away somehow. I shouldn't be mad but I am.

It makes me mad that I'm mad in the first place. But whatever. I still have college. I want a boyfriend but then again, I'd be putting a lot of trust in them to be myself. I feel like I would be too nervous to be myself. I would need to get to know them first before I got to that point. They need to know my sense of humor, my limits and my experience (well lack of experience). I want intimacy. I want sex. My hormones are crazy. But I don't think I'm ready to trust someone and let them see me naked. I want a better body. My hips are most of the problem. I don't know how to get rid of them. I think once I get a boyfriend, I'll be motivated then to lose weight. But I can't be sure. I told myself I would lose weight this summer, but here I am sitting on my bed doing nothing. Plus, I feel like sex is just awkward. I just want to get past all of the first awkwardness, skip to the future where I'm married and confident in our relationship. I guess I just want something safe. But that's me. I always play it safe.

What else can I talk about? I'm watching Smallville. It's making me really like Superman which I never thought I would say. And Wes (Callie) is a little bitch who ignores me. And even after all this time, I kinda miss Solomon. I think I only miss it because it was someone who was putting effort into our rp. I just didn't like the awkward RL lovin' stuff. I wish I could find a guy on RP that I could like. I mean, there's Mark who lives near me but I feel like he hates me and I see him more of a brother. Seth is probably a girl in RL considering I know NOTHING about Seth. I'll always have that mystery.

I'm really nervous about college though. Not so much about the social aspect because everyone is new and desperate to make friends. I'm more nervous about the work load. And I'm commuting so I don't have to worry about needing to like the people there. I won't be living there so the pressure is off that way.

I applied for jobs but I haven't heard back from anyone yet. I hope to hear from one eventually. I need money. I spent a lot. Whoops. But anyways, I think I'm gonna go to bed and listen to a sad song on repeat to soak up my failure.

[cravingsweetescape]

My Grandmom called me fat and thinks that I won't be offended by her comment. I really do not feel comfortable with my body like im in somebody else's skin. I don't feel like myself. I'm not confident. I want to starve myself but I know I never will. I want to be thin. Life just seems easier if I'm thin. I want to go away. I want silence. I want someone to love me. I want a lot of things and I'm asking for way too much. I just want silence, slimness and love. All three of them are impossible and there's no way I'll be able to achieve any of that.

[cravingsweetescape]

I'm so tired. I want to sleep but Alexis is loud and she's gonna yell at me as soon as I go to fall asleep. I want to be away from her. But then there's also Linda who is in the living room, drunk and repeating herself over and over and I'm not sure what I can't stand more.

[cravingsweetescape]

I need to get away from Alexis. She's driving me insane. I don't know how long I can keep this up without finally snapping. I'm mad all the time because of her. Plus, I've been really upset/mad because I obviously scared Gabe away somehow, some way. So I stepped back a lot to make sure I don't annoy him but I just want to talk to him. But maybe I'm just latching onto someone because I think I'm never going to find someone. Which I probably won't. I don't have a good track record with these things.