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im a biohazard

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The mortifying ordeal of seeing ur fat ass face in the reflection of ur phone screen

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One of my least favorite mental illness things is "hungry but dont feel like eating" and its companions "hungry but all the food in the house is Illegal," "hungry but can't make anything," and "hungry, want to eat, but why bother"

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what is art? is it something gay people do to get back at their fathers? maybe

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me: feels an emotion and expresses it

abused brain: apologize 

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Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

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i don’t have classical ocd and do extremely have that tourettic ocd thing rob talked about one time

i often get confused around this bc i EXTREMELY HAVE a thing that is similar to ocd but do not relate to descriptions of classical ocd

i’ve occasioanly said “i have obsessions and compulsions but not at the same time”, and occasionally “my obsessions are super abstract”, and occasionally “i don’t have the unpleasant parts of ocd bc i just live inside it”

my thing is like:

there’s a right way for everything to be down to the angle i hold my hands and i always know what the right way is for most stuff and i can just do the right thing and it’s okay, but sometimes i don’t know and that’s hard. the right way can evolve and that’s fine.

there’s a right way for objects to be arranged relative to each other. sometimes things are arranged wrong and i will be always looking at the wrong places and drawing geometric shapes over them in my mind until i’ve drawn enough lines for the whole thing together to no longer be Wrong, and then that only lasts for like a second and i draw the lines again. like i can make these lamps okay by drawing a circle through them so something explains them

i have strong body-level tic-like compulsions, particularly for twitching but also for stretching and cracking my joints, and similar feeling ... sensory compulsions .... for ways for things to touch me (symmetrically, plus a bunch of places where there’s a line or point that’s special and if you touch near it you have to touch it too) and stuff like that. the touch stuff blends into fibro smoothly enough that i don’t really know where the boundary is.

i think a lot about which foods are evil and how to be a good person and which dance moves are evil and so forth but i just kind of decide which ones and then i’m pretty sure i’m right and don’t like obsess over whether a dance move i decided was okay is secretly evil, i might consider the possibility but it’s not upsetting or captivating.

i have a class of things like plans where if i reify a plan and it gets broken that’s super upsetting and i don’t really know how to process that kind of wrongness, doing structured ritualistic things like drawing patterns or playing minesweeper or making stuff be more patterns in general helps but it feels like i would need a specific ritual to be the magic “make it okay for this plan to fall through” ritual and i don’t assign those much. or like if a Bad Noise happens it’ll just have floating unremovable wrongness floating for a while until it gets processed. i think other ppl who have stuff like this will often just have rituals for everything but it’s like kind of impure to me to make rituals that aren’t “justified”

this description is missing a lot of things that i’m just forgetting about right now. in social interactions there’s lots of things that aren’t Allowed to me that it’s not really that i think other people will punish me, just that i’m not Allowed. using certain stock phrases, sexy dancing, stuff like that.

but generally it’s like there’s rules about everything and i just follow them and obsessively work on refining them to be the bestest rules that are the most correct and pure, and as long as i do that it’s fine. and it feels really good and euphoric to follow the rules well.

i have some religious stuff but the rules don’t come from god, they either come from me or Just Are The Rules as like, fundamental physical laws (but not in a god way?). usually when i work on them i feel like i’m “discovering” as opposed to “inventing”. but it’s like is math discovered or invented? math actually feels like a good analogy here

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All I do is act incorrectly in response to stimuli

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not to toot me own horn but the fact that i didn’t kill myself in the 2010s? big dick energy idk how i pulled that one off

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I hate to break it to you guys but that is NOT sasha

edit: Please click for higher quality! I worked really hard on this

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Ma No Kakera by Junji Itou

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For my next trick I’ll go through 9 different emotions within two minutes

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