creatingjaemi - Tumblr blog

[creatingjaemi]

Hey guys welcome back

Walmart delivered my medicine, finally. I was sick for a few days. I was scared and I panicked. I broke down and I'm sorry about that. My only excuse is when I get sick, the virus makes me yell. I scream. Too loud. Friends don't lie but I have secrets. My car hit another guy. I had back surgery. Peeing was not easy ever again. I don't know why. I don't wear a bag around my leg anymore but I take a lot of medicine. I get stressed and overwhelmed without it.

[creatingjaemi]

An insidious example of emotional and sexual abuse:

The abuser gave the victim an STD, then emotionally abused the victim by telling them nobody would like them because of it. In this example, the abuser was trying to destroy the victim's self esteem in hopes of being able to prevent the victim from leaving.

*inspired by true events

[creatingjaemi]

Today Sell came back... Sell is a sociopath and like most sociopaths, he wears a mask and never lets anybody close enough to remove the mask. If anybody gets too close, he immediately pulls away. I heard once that you won't 'know' a sociopath when you see one, you'll 'feel' them before you see them and that couldn't be more true for Sell. I showed the same video to about 15 people but the minute Sell heard about it, I hated the video and wanted to end it immediately. That's when I knew, Sell has issues. Not me. I guess I always knew, but after I could see all the viewers reactions, I knew that Sell was creepy. Obviously, he looks like that Nickelodeon guy who's all over the news right now, but sociopaths don't look at you like a person, they look at you like an extension of themselves. They know their frauds and so by extension, you're also a fraud to them. If you aren't a fraud, and like you're what they're pretending to be, and if you have the misfortune of being in their path, that's when they start to abuse you. Frauds are insane. They're all over the business world. That's what I go to school for. I'm one class away from my second business degree and I was so sick of the frauds, I went into the nonprofit space. I know frauds pretty well by now, but I guess I didn't expect it in the nonprofit space. In competitive for-profit worlds, you could find two sociopaths having coffee... it gets annoying and old. They're like chameleons, always changing with the next deal their making and it was exhausting, and it isn't just men - women use their wiles to get everything, and the word 'frenemy' is very popular in the for-profit world, but in the social sphere and in the small hokey town of Stuart Virginia, literally theirs less people here than my social media following, but it almost makes it easier for the sociopaths and narcissists to control people. If they can keep up appearances with a few big fish, then that pretty much controls the masses here... but I know that by comparison to where I was, surrounded by socialites, politicians, and business leaders... these guys are just big fish in a small pond and in my space, even though I know it would be different, I'm still emotionally on a string when I'm around these energies. It's also annoying. Sociopaths can make themselves seem important to the important people and suddenly everyone just trusts them... that's how it was in the courtroom... insane... I spent hours fighting that case every single day but I was abused to tears at every continuance until the final hearing I was numb... the decision was deafening... I fell asleep in my living room chair on the phone with my brother... exhausted... six months of sleepless nights... just to be faced with people who think they're above the law... I'm innocent... they didn't care... it was the worst... but it's the reason I was saved. Jesus saved me and I believe he's going to save a lot of people through me and my story. I don't know how other people deal with sociopaths but for me, I just pray to Jesus and ever since I started doing that, I notice miracles in my everyday life again. I noticed I was able to connect with strangers again. That was really hard to do, but I humbled myself, and now I know it isn't me... I can't really make those connections on my own... what I mean by that is it's easy when you're in love or you have money or status... but me, alone, by myself, without any of that, I can't really find a common ground with most people... I'm just an outsider, a loner, and that's how it's always been. Only after I left my abuser, I started opening up the concept of really living. Having something to do, someone to love, and something to look forward too. I still think that sounds nice and so maybe I can have that one day. Who knows. I do believe that with Jesus, things can only get better. That contradicts everything I said in an earlier post but I promise I'll explain later. Until than; stay safe in this hell hole and I'll see you soon.

[creatingjaemi]

[creatingjaemi]

Sobriety

Today I am grasping the concept of sobriety at Just Jaemi. Sobriety was my first introduction to the nonprofit space. I lived in a halfway house and I got sober that way. I also lived in a full-time business and I got to see first-hand what running a faith-based sobriety driven nonprofit looked like. I also got insights into all the ways it could be ran better too. Our counselor held something called 'round table' once a month for people that had problems with the staff and for the staff that had complaints about the residents.

At the time, me and my best friend in the house were talking about this concept of a recovery center. Hers was going to help youth victims and mine was going to help traffic victims. It was like a college experience maybe over seas? No there weren't toga parties and hazing but we had our own version like 'Hawley house 15' which is all about the first thirty days in the house, you probably going to gain at least 15 pounds from being away from your drug addict friends and family for the first time. We had the same drama I think and a lot of us were actually in college so it was cool... but the reason why I left, well I remember my best friend in the house, let's call her Cor; Cor was basically like taking her court order as an opportunity to make things right with God in all aspects and so when she moved into the house, she pretty much immediately told everyone, she was LGBT and being faith-based they tried to change her and the sad part is, it worked. It also drove me away and when I moved away because the drama was too much, me and Cor were talking about this gift of discernment from the Lord. What the hell does that word even mean? Well, at the time, I didn't care, I lost a lot of my memories being away from my immigrant family for almost ten years at the time and especially after all the drugs and alcohol, things that were already confusing in childhood, just got more confusing after that and so I knew I needed answers from my past, or I wouldn't have gone back to live with family. North side. I never lived on the North side before. It's a strange place. You have Wake Forest University on one end and other end is like the ghetto, maybe it's the Walmart version of HPU? High Point is like that too. Anyway, North side was great, I remember being happy there, even without my memories, but I was living with my sister. She's an addict and alcoholic, but at the time, I would've never been convinced of that - and trust me people tried. Women and men in my network told me it was bad news to move in with my sister but I didn't believe them. In my world, I was the black sheep, everyone else was better by comparison, even when she got me in trouble at school, all over one xanax, I still wasn't convinced. Today, I do know I have the gift of discernment because I know my sister is an alcoholic, an addict, and the truth is, my sister knew about the five guys who raped me and she was most persistent telling me I should go back to them. She's a rapist to me now. It's been that way for a while, but I guess it's just the first time I'm actually writing it down. Tickling... tickling my child's feet while I'm trying to tell her that her opinion and her voice matters, all in a phone call visitation that shouldn't even be happening. Chad... it pisses me off; it's so easy to take advantage of gays... predators love to take advantage of gays, men or women, if their the same gender, it's easier to make them feel guilty, and if they feel guilty it's easier to make them stay quiet about the abuse... Chad got caught bc he's a male and I was a female... but I've been 'tickled' by women too... it's disgusting... I've tried to talk to my child about it. She knows about consent, it's still been stolen from her. She knows about LGBT, it too has been stolen from her... and I don't expect her at seven years old to know the right words and the right time to say 'stop'. I always say, her voice is going to be the most difficult thing to learn because I know what she needs without her saying anything... I know what she means by just looking at her... that's a blessing, but it is also a great responsibility when communicating with others who don't have that gift. I'm mad about Nickelodeon, the whole feet thing really bothers me... thinking of how many hours we went 'shoe shopping' just to walk down a runway for one audition. It's disgusting. I don't like feet, but how often she would abuse my brothers and sisters through my modeling and exploiting it... it's disgusting... I hate it... and then I am just as lost as her about how to talk about it.

[creatingjaemi]

I had this dream where every time I went somewhere with tattoos, gauges, gays, and legal marijuana - a literal sonic boom happened pulling me away from everything that makes me who I am. In the dream I felt like there was a leash around my ankle and someone was physically pulling me back but at the beginning of the dream I was in plane and the door flew off the plane and I almost got pulled outside from the pressure and throughout the dream, that kind of same pressure pulled me back every time I tried to go to those places. *Look at me* I have short hair, gauges, tattoos, and I have a medical marijuana card. It was literally a war-like force and I'm always brought back to Shakira because Shakira is the most like me. She has the industry pressure and the familial pressure of being an Arabic American and I feel like I'm used as this pawn in this war scheme that has nothing to do with me and me being myself should have nothing to do with a political scheme when we already have the added pressure of being Arabic Americans. It's no question Arabs have some of the strictest cultural and religious laws against homosexuality and at the same time, I am an Arabic American, I am Christian. I am American and me being an alternative is my freedom of speech and being myself, shouldn't impact their agenda. I should only have to deal with my family and coming out to them but I know the devil is a liar and being a homosexual Christian is probably the worst news for the devil. I can't find any content on gay Christians, and I know that while the politics and religious karma's are real, the devil likes to twist things so that you don't go to Jesus and me being a beacon of hope for queers who would otherwise be suicidal or oppressed, and the fact they could follow me and be saved by Jesus too - that scares the devil. The forgiveness from Jesus combined with sexual or gender freedom is going to save so many people and to these forces beyond all comprehension that are literally pulling me away from my identity, I don't care if it's war or religion or the devil, this is who I am and I'm not going to keep pretending like any other way will work. I'm me *just looking at me* there's literally no one else in here but me and I'm tired of pretending to be something else to fit someone else's scheme. It has nothing to do with me. My sexuality, my gender, has nothing to do with that. If I'm a brick in the wall, I go in a place in a rainbow wall that was specifically made for me but they literally broke my brick into a thousand pieces trying to make it fit into this other wall that I just don't belong in and now it's like I'm picking up the pieces and it's not even my mess to clean up. I just don't belong in that place. I don't fit in and the fact there is a wall over there just in another place that has a spot made for me, a Christian queer person, and the fact, these forces are determined to pull me back into their wall to use me as a pawn in their war scheme, it's just not okay.

[creatingjaemi]

new memory alert!

New memory alert is something I started after I left my abuser, and the town where five guys raped me. After, that I got my memories back, and things just started make sense again. The thing is, I have no way of predicting when a new memory will come back or how much of the memory will be fragmented and I know there's another lady doing some shallow version of this but, it's clearly nothing of substance, so just pay attention to mine, because it's better. So here it goes, after the collision, there was a time between March and May that is probably what people are asking about. Obviously seeing Anna get assaulted in January would scare anyone and that's when I decided to go. It wasn't until February, I switched up the taxes, and all that but in March the collision happened. So we are left with April as a big question mark before the inevitable report in May. A couple of factors about April: my cat, the video is probably deleted by now, but let's just say that happened in April, along with the doorbell stalking, I'm starting to ask myself about John C. What about him, back then, gave me anxiety. Obviously, hour long round trip car rides after being in a collision, would trigger anyone's PTSD, but it was more than that. JD's 'talk dirty to me' comes to mind. I guess he always talked like that, but after he continued in front of my child, I was triggered. Thinking of how he talks to his own child like that, but it was something more. Like Wesley and Rob, he constantly put hints out there, 'just in case you ever want to be more than friends'. A precursor to the notion: if I wasn't available, would he still be helping me? The obvious answer is no, but then him and 'the man' became the same character, both sudden impact, a very dramatic exit, so I consider them the same in that way, Like Wesley, 'the man' asked if we could be intimate in the same hotel room as my child, I said no, this made him mad, just like saying no to the other guys, he was pushy, moving too fast for me. I'd say none of them actually ever took no for an answer but I had to find a way to stop that conversation from ever existing in the first place, and my haircut was born. As far as April goes, it would probably be when the cat got sick but I will keep you posted about any new memories that come up. I'm still not convinced, there isn't more to the John C. thing and connecting him to 'the man' is helping but there is more to this memory and I'll be back when I got it! Until then, stay safe in this hell hole and I'll see ya soon. xxx

[creatingjaemi]

Health Problems

I have tinnitus and my ears keep clicking when I focus on my finances. I can't help but think it's because of how my accounting professor molested me. My abuser is also a teacher and would tutor me in math. It causes such an aggressive feeling. When my ears click, crackle, or ring, it gets so annoying. I am praying I can get hearing aids that help with tinnitus because I literally don't think it's a joke. So many things in my past that were literally just aggressive illnesses were distorted and twisted by sociopaths. Today I cried about it but honestly crying doesn't do anything but make me feel bad so I stopped crying almost immediately. I know the physical illnesses were real. Jesus knows they were real and no matter what people say, Jesus and God know what happened. My memories fade, but God and Jesus never forget. That's another reason why I don't cry as much anymore. I know that they 'hate' what happened to me, if they can even hate I don't know, but I know they hate what happened to me even more than I do, and that's... not only is that real, but it's a legitimate 'hatred' because I was tortured, humiliated, and degraded. The holy spirit is the enemy of that. A spirit, like a loving spirit can't fathom people could be so evil because they could never be that evil but God and Jesus aren't like spirits, they can completely accept the evil in others without letting it consume them. That's why I know they hate what happened to me, and I give it to them and trust they're going to make things right. Only when I'm reminded of the physical vulnerabilities of exactly how sick I was, am I consumed by a indigestible sadness and anger toward humanity. I think there's a level of envy... I always say they don't know how blessed they are, they don't know what that hurt feels like. They're so blessed in their ignorance, they don't know the fear that consumes you when the doctors don't have answers for what's wrong with your body, it's pure hell. Screaming in agony and being blamed for it... as I get healthier, I forget just how inhuman that is. I was ridiculed for calling them out. So many times, but if I had to go through it all over again, I wouldn't change what I said. They are blessed in this country and I did feel like I was living in a war zone and being tortured like a prisoner. They act like I was insane but today, all I can see is that I was abused beyond comprehension and I won't stop until everybody knows what they do to people. I'm not the only one. An alcoholic doesn't just wake up and decide to only knock over a liquor store. He has a trail of alcoholic disorganized and illegal chaotic choices before that and they don't just wake up without a conscience either. That's the difference between addicts and sociopaths. Addicts feel bad about what they do until the drug numbs them, a sociopath is just numb all the time until you disagree with them. But my original subject about the ears is getting lost again now and I don't want that to get lost. I challenged my abuser to get hearing aids, then I got bullied by them for having whiplash, my hearing was affected pretty bad, and I was called so many names, my being balanced and oriented was in question, all things that hearing affects. So when my ears click or crackle or ring, I just feel like they're abusing me without even being here. Me and my volunteer were talking about it this week. Abusers go to insane means to be the center of attention - silent treatment, harassment, to rape and all of these things have physical implications, and we were talking about how the psychological abuse is actually worse. It's easy to diagnose a black eye, but it's not as easy to diagnose emotional abuse, and they affect victims for more years than just being hit or punched. PTSD. Health problems. That's what I go through, that's what my child goes through, and I made a promise when I got pregnant to protect that child, and I haven't been able to sleep at night but I can't sleep until she's safe here with me and believed by our peers about what she originally tried to tell me years ago.

[creatingjaemi]

Chips

Today I am definitely making a creating Jaemi blog. From literally starving to receiving urgent messages about my apartment to being degraded to levels I didn't think people could watch before there eyes and somehow make worse... I definitely lost my faith in humanity a couple times and I don't know when it will stop. Looking at how far I've come since taking that leap of faith four years ago (or w/e), I can see a visual representation of my growth and how things have only gotten better. I still feel sad for the only person I'm doing this for - my child, who is being abused right now 24/7. She's always starving in some way, always feeling degraded in some manor, and I hate to think about how this will shape her view on humanity after having gone through all of this. She thinks it's normal... no kid should ever think what she went through is normal... from the start, they always wanted to separate me and her. A child should never be forced to be apart from a parent they want to live with. When she lives with me. She get's basically the whole apartment to herself. People say it wasn't fair to me, working in a corner of the apartment for most of the day while she was in school and then also giving her the living room to watch anything on the kids Roku channel. She has two game systems, both age appropriate. The one with the chipmunks on the island, Yoshi, Mario. The only questionable one is Roblox but I don't want her to feel left out at school, we're already poor, at least give her something to feel cool around her friends. She probably has forgotten those days now. Where she's at, it's all rules, expectations, and people... lots and lots of people... there's no room to breathe. It's totally the opposite of what living with me is like but to a kid, it makes no difference. An adult is an adult. You listen to them and when things change, you don't dwell on the past, you just keep going until one day you wake up and it's too late, your childhood was stolen from you because of abuse and control issues and you can't get those years back. She doesn't know that. I do so it's my responsibility to do something about it. Creating Jaemi, I've sat in major mental anguish from this thought process. That she's been stolen from in a way nobody can comprehend until much later in life. It doesn't matter because I can never stop fighting for what I believe is right. I've been reporting and defaming bad men since I was seven years old. This black kid in our neighborhood, today someone compared me to a small Kris Jenner and I think that might be accurate, like slim shady but... white? I don't know, all I know is whether my daughter were hurting or not, I would be doing this because it's what I do. I see someone being taken advantage of, and I do something about it. I see someone taking advantage of another and I say something about it. It's no surprise, but people have amnesia, they think because things have been great for a few years, they get bawlsy, and forget the dark side of the night will come again for them too eventually. I guess that's how it goes, I don't know... it seems like these days, I can't rely on anything but order. If everything is in order, then it can't go wrong... at least when it does go wrong, there's no question - you know you did everything you could. Nobody can tell you nothing because order doesn't lie. People lie all the fuckin time, people are always fuckin up but if you follow the order of things, those people end up telling on themselves, some people are like satanic I think, they hate order, they thrive off of chaos. I guess I can remember being that way. After I was raped in high school, but not really any other time. Maybe when my brothers moved here and I lost my best friend, I probably enjoyed chaos then because it reminded me of what I felt like on the inside when nobody was paying attention to me, but I prayed and I got saved and after that, I didn't really want chaos anymore. I can't believe people twice my age never got to this point. Srsly guys stay safe in this hell hole and I'll see ya soon <3

[creatingjaemi]

YT social justice video prompt

Ignorance is...

the lack of knowledge, education, or awareness

An example of ignorance is...

'we've always done things this way so we should continue to always do it that way'

This head space excludes groups with newly given rights like LGBT groups who have only had their rights for 50 years. People could attack them and get away with it back then; but now people can go to jail for attacking LGBT people.

The person making the above statement is ignorant or lacks awareness about the new consequences for doing things in the old way.

The reason why is it important to talk about ignorance is...

because when we as a society begin to talk about ignorance, we encourage people to have an open mind about the differences between others and we develop more patience for outside world as well. That's how we evolve and if we didn't evolve, we wouldn't have the freedoms we have today and don't think being white excludes you from this. If we didn't evolve, white people would still be somewhere in Europe looking for a new world. That means no declaration and no rights for them either.

Stalking is...

a repeated pattern of behavior that includes following, watching or harassing a specific person.

An example of stalking is...

An example of stalking is approaching one's workplace, home, or school or by contacting them by phone, mail, email, text, or social networking sites, after they told you to stop.

The reason why is it important to talk about stalking is...

because most of the time, it's linked to other, life-threatening crimes. When friends, family, neighbors, and colleagues know how to identify stalking, we can help create a safer environment for all.

What hacking is

when someone who tries to get into another person's computer using computer viruses that can hurt other people computers.

An example of hacking is...

'I hacked into my ex-girlfriend's computer but I used her mom's phone number so she won't know it's me'

The reason why is it important to talk about hacking is...

because hacking, like stalking, can be linked to other crimes like hacking into someone's bank account and stealing their money.

Bullying is...

when someone purposely tries to hurt another person by simply making them feel uncomfortable or actually hurting them by kicking, hitting, pushing, or tripping.

An example of bullying is...

'I noticed you were working hard in class, but I bet you still forgot the answers to the quiz'

The reason why is it important to talk about bullying is...

because bullying can make others feel isolated and alone, and these negative feelings can impact the way they eat, sleep, and perform in school

The difference between bullying and discrimination is...

bullying can happen to anyone but discrimination happens when a person is bullied because of some aspect of their identity. Like the LGBT groups mentioned earlier.

Let's look at the earlier example of bullying...

'I noticed you were working hard in class, but I bet you still forgot the answers to the quiz'

Now let's look at an example of discrimination...

'I noticed you were working hard in class, but I bet you still forgot the answers to the quiz because your immigrant dad doesn't know the language'

See the difference?

The reason why is it important to talk about the difference is...

Unfortunately, bullying, does not inherently refer to illegal behaviors. So it's important to talk to someone you trust to help remedy the situation.

On the flip side, discrimination does refer to illegal behaviors. So it's important to talk to a professional like a school guidance counselor or the principal.

[creatingjaemi]

[creatingjaemi]

Q: what is your real name?

A: Amira

Q: what name do you go by ?

A: Aemi or Jaemi

Q: why do you go by that name?

A: i changed my name after i came out as nonbinary.

Q: how did you get in the situation you're in (at-risk homeless for 4 years)?

A: i reported my mom and her husband for abuse

Q: what was the pivotal moment that brought you out here?

A: they kicked me out

Q: so you come from a lot of money?

A: no, we were always really poor growing up

Q: did you have money before being at-risk homeless?

A: i had my apartment. furniture. baby crib. everything. i was making some good money but slowly... my daughter's father stopped paying child support, it was paycheck-to-paycheck then, i was like it’s either go with them or I’m on the streets.

Q: you say you were making good money. was it legal money? or Illegal money?

A: i was making videos on instagram. I was a poshmark reseller, i drove for uber, and i was a cater waiter for a wedding venue but... i did make some shady money on the side that nobody knows about. i had a sugar daddy.

Q: what year did you get homeless?

A: 2021

Q: did you not have a fall back plan or any work experience?

A: i was going to do whatever I had to do for my baby. i quit Instagram. i dropped out of school. got two jobs bar tending but it wasn't enough.

Q: do you have any family at the moment?

A: my family hates the people who kicked me out. they hurt my family pretty bad.

Q: where are they based out of?

A: they're about an hour away.

Q: how did you lose your physical home? you had all this furniture, you had these great jobs. what made you get out and say 'it’s this or I’m on the streets'?

A: my daughter's father, he's $30,000 behind on child support, and my sugar daddy, he helped me for a while but he was kind of flexing, like he didn't really have as much as he was saying and so out of the blue, he just ghosted me.

Q: did you relocate to a different spot?

A: my employer helped me relocate to the state of Virginia

Q: what year?

A: 2022

Q: so you ran out of money paying for the rent until you were at-risk again?

A: her family was asking me to sign a debt contract. i was like nah this is shady. they took it personally; like I was offending them. that made it hell for me to get better.

Q: what year did the funds run out?

A: i was living off of my student loans until just last month

Q: do you know about itunes / spotify?

A: i do have a music album on sound cloud

Q: were you ever on any type of medication?

A: i currently take two non-narcotic medications for panic attacks

Q: no substances, no drug abuse, nothing? Alcohol?

A: i've been clean for 10 years and I have been sober for 4 years.

Q: when's the last time you got observed by a health clinic?

A: they're really weird here, like I have videos where they're avoiding me at the doctor

Q: teeth?

A: my gums are bleeding but i don't have money for surgery or anything so I'm like why go through the trouble of getting them looked at...

Q: health?

A: i have three STD's from where I was sexually abused

Q: Have you stayed at any shelters or anything?

A: i stayed at the salvation army for ninety days

Q: what’s up with that, no good or what?

A: i just felt like some of the men, they got off on torturing women.like they would watch people in the showers then yell at them for hours because the toilets weren't clean.

Q: what kind of work were you getting paid for? working for your meal?

A: i was a store clerk at a salon, but the shelter scared me straight (my attempt at humor), i didn't want to ever put myself in a position where I might end up back there, i stopped all the shady shit, relied solely on food stamps, stuff like that... but there's shady shit in these agencies too...i opted out because I didn't want to get blamed for it and I did have to sell x-rated pictures a couple times after that. i guess i'm writing to you because i don't want to have to do that anymore.

[creatingjaemi]

Limitations

Creating Jaemi today, I just feel limited to convey my vision and translating this concept into words, it's like, I know 'why' or 'who' took my voice... but the more I think about it, it freaks me out. Learning better ways to speak for two years... still, I find that limited people are connecting with me... and I was saved recently, spiritually... I rely on prayer but in the past, relying on people, I was only cutting my losses... what I was left with, terror. That is, I was being terrorized, blackmail, debt contracts, left alone in agony for hours - because I didn't sign. Now, no matter what happens, I pray to Jesus and I feel at peace. I wish I could connect with people again. My brother is the only person I can connect with now, well I call him my brother, his name is Fousey, an Arab YouTuber, and as mentioned in previous blogs, I believe Jesus will give you a friend in the times when there appears to be no one... I feel blessed to even have volunteers who care about a social cause. Makes me feel like I'm on the other side of the worst of it now, It was so... emotionless, where I was... Cold stares in responses to, well, torture. I recently decided if Jesus could rise from the dead, he could help me do the same. Life and death to me, was forcefully redefined in a way most people never have to face. Life isn't just being 'alive', to me, life is waking up with energy in the morning, having plans for the future, and memories your fond of. Friends, family you don't have to hide from (iykyk). The YouTubers I follow, I taught my daughter to watch them as role models for how to quote unquote 'live'. I gave up on life long ago. Slowly, forcefully, and after I was saved, I became open to the concept of existing in life... not just 'reality'.