cremedela07-blog

[cremedela07-blog]

The choice to be free

I am going through with my choice to decide how I want to move forward. I am excited to journey into reality and I know I will be coddled into this new strange world as I have been gently guided into my decision. Of course it always had to be my choice. I had been given this choice many times and have had it sabotaged by those who wanted to control me and my ways of living, but when that control wasn’t there and I was ready I held myself back as I wanted to experience a spiritual emotion that was integral to my soul. I have experienced that spiritual emotion, I have felt that within and seen it outside of my current self. 

It was a long journey to get to this point and I have finally decided that it was my time, truly, to allow myself to face reality without fear. After understanding what has been done for me by those I didn’t realize cherished me in the past I have decided to trust in them fully as it all became clear how much they have helped me when I needed someone the most. They still do. When I came to that point I understood how sick I was for fighting so hard for no true result as I was always stuck in the middle of a war I did not start and I did not care about. I then gave it up and declared that no one is going to harass me in my choices and life any longer. I had to be strong in knowing what I wanted without question and to face myself after a long existence of struggle. I stopped caring and started acknowledging myself, to do for myself, to live for myself, to do more to enhance myself. 

From that point I have felt detached from things that I know I should be and that was hard to do in the past because of the war I’ve been unknowingly fighting for so long. It feels good to be how I was when I was younger in this life. To feel comfortable and sure in me as a person and how I truly feel about things before mental health pills ruined my reality and took away what was all of me. I am finally able to go back to that time of clarity and stillness. I am able to shift through nonsense without batting an eye and I can gather my information quickly that is relevant to my cause. An ability I have missed, feelings I have missed, an existence that is truly me. I am further embolden to make this choice by how easy it was and is now. I would usually cave much earlier than this, the sensations would drive me into despair and I would force myself into a controlled choice rather than one made through my souls conscious doing. This time, like when I was younger, when I set my foot down that was the end of it. I crave for nothing and I don’t think about it obsessively as per usual. My body has responded in kind to such a peaceful albeit overly aware state of being. My soul responds by feeling at ease and finally comfortable as if it was holding its breath for years and now it is letting go of that pent up uncomfortable feeling into a quiet emptiness that it’s been holding out for but had to work so hard to achieve. All that breath holding is over and now I can be truly tired and rest without the paranoia of needing to be fulfilled because my soul was not fully connected with the rest of my being. 

I am awaiting the time of seeing the reality of things and being lulled into the transition with love and care. I wont be alone for much longer and I can soon connect to those that cared about me the most during my ordeals of the past  and present. Now that that issue of the present doesn’t matter my whole viewpoint has opened up. It took so long and I welcome my soul back home as I find that familiar feeling of being whole again. Of purging the useless and no longer responding to it and to be very comfortably numb. To know it will not be long till I get to explore reality itself and that I have chosen on my own terms to do so is freeing.

[cremedela07-blog]

To who will this reach?

This is to help me. A journal that shows some parts but not every part, just enough to see who comes calling. It’s been quite a few years since I have decided to reach into the darkness and bare what I have for the sake of myself or someone who cares about it. I generally do not speak to others and my current situation makes it difficult to do so but I have decided to attempt to take more control over my unstable day to day. I’ve always been particular about who I try to reach out to after my run with attempting to fit in and take pills because others who do not live my truth think who I am as a person may actually be flawed. 

This is my introduction to bare myself and to comfort myself that even if I don’t have anyone to speak to I can release my emotions in a healthy way. 

I have burdens to bare but I have learned to sink them within myself so that I can go on for a bit longer. I have attempted to seek others to speak to about these burdens so that I can find a companion to confide in. Unfortunately where I live closed minds, negative mindsets, and poor respect in my generation that has grown in my area from middle school to high school has kept me from trying any longer to connect. 

I am permanently disabled from the traumas that I was forced to endure from a child to this point in my lifetime. I have gone in and out of mental stability hospitals to rehabilitate from the shocks that have broken me down in my state of vulnerability. Others and family, in the lose sense of the word, have imposed their poor life choices upon me and expected me to bend to the idea that what they feel is how I should always feel. Being controlled emotionally, physically, mentally, sexually. I have been mentally disabled for many years left with PTSD, depression, and anxiety. I have borderline personality disorder but I am on the spectrum of being docile rather than the other extreme who tend to abuse others emotionally and manipulate others. I am insecure so I pigeon toe to keep from being in trouble for something, anything, so I am quite introverted and sensitive. 

I have ovarian cysts which have given me troubles since I was a child. Unnatural weight gain, undulating intestines due to them being squished by bumps upon my ovaries, having a distended stomach at times because they grow bigger before they explode leaving me in pain. I do not go to get the problem cared for because I have as a child and no one in my area is either smart enough, care enough, or are skilled enough to asses my needs when it comes to cysts which are often misunderstood and ignored until one gets cancer from them and even then you can and often will be ignored. I live with it one day at a time and until I have any reason to trust the privatized care in the area I live, until they can prove that the degree they earned is worth my time to travel and be given real care, until they can show they are not immature about topics they have no idea about I will not go. I have had true care in a different state and I am not ashamed to say it was because the state was affluent and better educated on average than the one I am currently in that is simply the way of things. One is better off not wasting time for 5 - 15 minutes of the stinginess of giving a test because they think they know better than you but are trying to push a product or make you feel a certain way about yourself because they feel they have authority over your body and feelings due to their job status. 

I have misanthropic tendencies that have grown from the constant observation of others. How they treat me, treat themselves, treat each other and the disrespect and lack of self awareness that bothers me and boggles my mind. Therefore I am picky of who I think can be worth putting effort, love, and time into. If I can speak to them on a deep level and they can not shed the shallow outside of showing off to not be ashamed to connect to someone who understands and wants to listen to them they are not worthy of speaking to. I have had my share of trying with and without the aid of mind altering medication due to my mental illnesses and in all of my sacrificing to the people I thought were close to me and who I held close they showed me as a spectacle to be gawked at and to use when needed and shove away when they are done being entertained. Because of my experiences with others I have learned to fear and hide away. I don’t want to hurt anyone for speaking my truths and living my truths and I don’t want to be hurt for such. Going through as much as I have has made me understand the nature of people and things and to grow spiritually as a person. To grow for me was to be within myself and keep away from mixing energies with anyone else who will taint the positivity I can muster. 

I am not ashamed of being picky. I will not apologize for being myself and feeling the way that I feel. It is better to be all of yourself rather than pick and choose what and who you are to everyone especially yourself. That is an easy way to lose your sense of self. Wouldn’t one be tired of lying?